I’ve been reading “The Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord” by T.D. Jakes. It’s pretty interesting. There is a paragraph in there that says,
“The lady is a fertile field. Her tender heart is softly turned soil that awaits the seed. She carries the potential of massive reproduction. Her mind is the incubator of dreams and the womb of greatness. She is irrigated when in love and dehydrated when hurt. She is enriched by those who lover her and stripped by those who abuse her. Those whom she touches will dine on her harvest. She will be the end of someone’s famine. She is a garden. She is the place where hunger is sated. She is the place where hungers will be quenched. She is the place where rich soil will produce fertile food and lives are richer because of her. She is a garden. She is the focal point of those who love her and the absolute envy of those who don’t.”
This paragraph described me to a T. And hopefully you found traces of yourself in it. We as women are wonderful, strong, beautiful beings that God created. Our hearts are indeed tender. We feel things that men don’t feel. We see things that men don’t see. We have discernment in areas that men don’t. We are helpers. We are counselors. We are mothers, sisters, and friends. We are ladies. We are precious.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve lost sight of what we are and what God created us to be. And because we’ve lost sight of that, we allow ourselves to be demeaned. Abused. Mistreated. Cheated. Degraded. We have become merely objects. We don’t help anymore. We don’t stand strong as women of God. We parade around in hopes of winning a man’s heart with our skimpy clothing, weave, slick talk, sexy dance moves, and tricks in the bed.
Don’t you see that you’re more than this? What I just described was a prostitute!! They stand on the street wearing next to nothing with over done hair and make-up making lewd sexual statements while moving their bodies in ways that attract a lustful man. Why act like a prostitute? We are prized possessions. A man should feel like he has the rarest gem when he finds us. He won’t want to let us go. He’ll treat us with respect and only want the best for us. Of course, you have to learn who to say yes to and who to say no to. But that’s another topic.
All in all, we need to get back to God’s intended purpose for our lives. We weren’t created to be on T.V. shaking what our mommas gave us for the world to see. We weren’t created to fight over some no good man. We weren’t created to sleep around with anything and everyone. We weren't created to be hard, cold women who have been hurt by the world.
With God, you can release the demons from your past. You can move on. You can realize your purpose and full potential. But you have to want it. Study your Bible. Meditate on His word. Develop a relationship with God. And that’s all I really have to say! :)
11.01.2007
10.19.2007
Sex and Kids???
I am absolutely horrified at the direction our society is going. It's all going DOWN HILL. CHILDREN are having sex and as a result are prone to HIV, AIDS, and other STDS. CHILDREN are having babies. Money, sex, partying, alcohol, and the degradation of women are being glorified. Middle schools are giving out birth control pills!!! What is that?!? Does NO ONE see a problem here?? I do. And it scares me. I look at my little brother and sisters and I am scared for them. It makes me want to lock them in their rooms until they're 25. But we all know that isn't the answer.
People put Bill Cosby on a stick and fried his behind for saying it. But I'm going to. Parents aren't doing their jobs. MTV, VH1, NBC, ABC, pookie n’ them, and the streets are raising our children today. It's horrible. I didn't stop playing with Barbies until my freshman year in high school! My first real kiss was at the end of my freshman year. A kiss. A KISS!!!! 8th graders today are having BABIES!!! My mother put FEAR in me. I was afraid to earn anything less than a B in school. I was afraid to lie to her. I was afraid to sneak out of the house. I was afraid to listen to certain music. And it wasn't because my mom was a monster. It was because that's how I was raised. I grew up in Montgomery, AL. I had an extremely tight-nit family. We kids were raised by everyone. I spent the majority of my childhood playing on the neighborhood streets at Grandma's house. And grandma's house wasn't in the best part of town. All around me were gangs, drugs, sex, and violence. I know this because I saw it first hand. My friends were experimenting with things. Of course, I was curious. I'm no angel. But the knowledge that my family instilled in me went with me.
I grew up in a black, single parent home in Montgomery, AL. We weren't rich. At one time, my mom worked 4 jobs. Statistically, I should have 5 kids by now. But I was surrounded by a mother, grandmother, and aunts who wanted to see me succeed. They didn't want to see me pregnant by 15. Parenting. That's what kept me on the right path.
I realize that times are harder. I realize that today, children are growing up with more influences. They can flip on the TV and catch a woman half naked, in a red bikini, barbequing while some artist feels on her and sings about how, “Shorty is a 10!” They can turn on the TV and listen to artists glorify "doubling up" with women after the club or celebrating coming home from prison by doing a "two-step" and sipping on Patron.
But what can have a counter affect on all of this? Parents. Family. Church. There is no foundation anymore. Proverbs 22:6 says, Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
There are no excuses for an 8th grader being on birth control. And to top it off, legally, the 8th grader has a right to do it without disclosing any information to their parents. A 13 year old is a CHILD! And a parent should be INVOLVED in EVERY aspect of THEIR Child’s LIFE! What sense does that make? We're making the problem worse. We're pacifying it. Instead of getting to the root of it, we go along with it. Be a part of your child's life! Say no! Ask questions! What business does an 8th grader have being left alone long enough to have sex? (I'm so heated right now.) I'm 24 and my momma still to this day asks me where I'm going or why I was out over night.
To those of you who have children, siblings, friends with children: Be involved. Be a role model. Children are not going to find it anywhere else. You don't want R Kelly singing about threesomes with random girls after a night out at the club being his role model. You don't want New York from "I Love New York" who is portrayed in the show kissing on anything, sleeping around, and cursing worse than my drunken uncle at a family reunion to be her role model. You don't want Cassidy celebrating his BLESSING of surviving a near fatal car accident and getting out of jail alive by dancing and getting drunk to be your child's role model. So, you be it. Forget being cool. Forget being a friend. Be a parent. Children learn from what you do just as much as they learn from what you say. Be a positive role model for the little ones around you so that when they are exposed to society, they know what is right and what is wrong. They'll know what to walk away from.
And yes, I realize that there are the stereotypical, "preacher's children" who are supposedly the worse in the bunch; who rebel, etc. There are going to be children who receive the best parenting and love in the world who still rebel. But I believe in the Word. And if the Word says to train up a child in the way they should go so that they never part from it, then it is so. The important thing is that they have something to come back to. They have that voice in them that says, “Maybe I shouldn't be doing this.”
Let's pray for our children. Let's pray for our parents and those in positions that are critical to the development of our children. Let’s pray for our society. Let's take some of the blame for what is going on. We can't continue to place all of the blame on Hip-Hop. We can't continue to place all of the blame on TV. We need to start doing more parenting and less blaming. While we're debating about who is to blame, our children are out doing more crap and being exposed to more nonsense. Be the positive in your child's life. Be the anti-drug, the anti-degrader of women, the anti-premarital sex, and the anti-partygoer. Be nosey. So what, your child is upset with you. I was angry at my mom my whole high school career! But I thank her now for her tough, snoopy love.
People put Bill Cosby on a stick and fried his behind for saying it. But I'm going to. Parents aren't doing their jobs. MTV, VH1, NBC, ABC, pookie n’ them, and the streets are raising our children today. It's horrible. I didn't stop playing with Barbies until my freshman year in high school! My first real kiss was at the end of my freshman year. A kiss. A KISS!!!! 8th graders today are having BABIES!!! My mother put FEAR in me. I was afraid to earn anything less than a B in school. I was afraid to lie to her. I was afraid to sneak out of the house. I was afraid to listen to certain music. And it wasn't because my mom was a monster. It was because that's how I was raised. I grew up in Montgomery, AL. I had an extremely tight-nit family. We kids were raised by everyone. I spent the majority of my childhood playing on the neighborhood streets at Grandma's house. And grandma's house wasn't in the best part of town. All around me were gangs, drugs, sex, and violence. I know this because I saw it first hand. My friends were experimenting with things. Of course, I was curious. I'm no angel. But the knowledge that my family instilled in me went with me.
I grew up in a black, single parent home in Montgomery, AL. We weren't rich. At one time, my mom worked 4 jobs. Statistically, I should have 5 kids by now. But I was surrounded by a mother, grandmother, and aunts who wanted to see me succeed. They didn't want to see me pregnant by 15. Parenting. That's what kept me on the right path.
I realize that times are harder. I realize that today, children are growing up with more influences. They can flip on the TV and catch a woman half naked, in a red bikini, barbequing while some artist feels on her and sings about how, “Shorty is a 10!” They can turn on the TV and listen to artists glorify "doubling up" with women after the club or celebrating coming home from prison by doing a "two-step" and sipping on Patron.
But what can have a counter affect on all of this? Parents. Family. Church. There is no foundation anymore. Proverbs 22:6 says, Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
There are no excuses for an 8th grader being on birth control. And to top it off, legally, the 8th grader has a right to do it without disclosing any information to their parents. A 13 year old is a CHILD! And a parent should be INVOLVED in EVERY aspect of THEIR Child’s LIFE! What sense does that make? We're making the problem worse. We're pacifying it. Instead of getting to the root of it, we go along with it. Be a part of your child's life! Say no! Ask questions! What business does an 8th grader have being left alone long enough to have sex? (I'm so heated right now.) I'm 24 and my momma still to this day asks me where I'm going or why I was out over night.
To those of you who have children, siblings, friends with children: Be involved. Be a role model. Children are not going to find it anywhere else. You don't want R Kelly singing about threesomes with random girls after a night out at the club being his role model. You don't want New York from "I Love New York" who is portrayed in the show kissing on anything, sleeping around, and cursing worse than my drunken uncle at a family reunion to be her role model. You don't want Cassidy celebrating his BLESSING of surviving a near fatal car accident and getting out of jail alive by dancing and getting drunk to be your child's role model. So, you be it. Forget being cool. Forget being a friend. Be a parent. Children learn from what you do just as much as they learn from what you say. Be a positive role model for the little ones around you so that when they are exposed to society, they know what is right and what is wrong. They'll know what to walk away from.
And yes, I realize that there are the stereotypical, "preacher's children" who are supposedly the worse in the bunch; who rebel, etc. There are going to be children who receive the best parenting and love in the world who still rebel. But I believe in the Word. And if the Word says to train up a child in the way they should go so that they never part from it, then it is so. The important thing is that they have something to come back to. They have that voice in them that says, “Maybe I shouldn't be doing this.”
Let's pray for our children. Let's pray for our parents and those in positions that are critical to the development of our children. Let’s pray for our society. Let's take some of the blame for what is going on. We can't continue to place all of the blame on Hip-Hop. We can't continue to place all of the blame on TV. We need to start doing more parenting and less blaming. While we're debating about who is to blame, our children are out doing more crap and being exposed to more nonsense. Be the positive in your child's life. Be the anti-drug, the anti-degrader of women, the anti-premarital sex, and the anti-partygoer. Be nosey. So what, your child is upset with you. I was angry at my mom my whole high school career! But I thank her now for her tough, snoopy love.
10.18.2007
Purpose
So, I was waiting on the elevator this morning with a fellow co-worker and we were conversing about how we both woke up late this morning. We laughed and joked about being tired and then reassured ourselves with the fact that tomorrow is Friday. And then, I said, "yeah, and we get to do it all over again on Monday." He then replied, "That's life." I looked straight ahead and thought to myself, "That's your life. Not mine."
I've realized that this is not what I want to do. Sure, I am happy that God blessed me with the opportunity and with a job so that I can eat, pay bills, etc. However, when I look at the broad scope of things, I don't see myself doing this forever. I love to write. I love to express myself. I love to sing. I love music. I see myself writing. I've always been a writer. Even when I was younger, I was forever writing short stories, poems. And somewhere along my journey, I lost touch with it. I began to listen to others. I let fear paralyze me. I think I can do it. I know I can do it. The first step is actually doing it.
I look at other people and I find myself almost envious of the fact that they are doing what they want to do. They're going after what is in their hearts because they WANT to. It's what makes them happy. Sadly, I'm sitting at work right now- writing. And I'm so content. I think it's my calling. God placed this in me. And it's up to me to work on it and use it to glorify Him. I can reach so many- help so many people. I already do it on a daily basis with my simple Myspace page. Just imagine the multitude of people I could reach if I really put effort into this gift that God has given me.
We constantly find ourselves looking for ourselves. "What's my purspose?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "What's my gift?" I'm not one to preach because I'm not a preacher. But I know that when you pray to the Lord to reveal something about yourself to yourself, good or bad, He will do it.
If you're struggling trying to figure out what it is that God has for you, continue to pray about it. But hopefully you're constantly building a relationship with God. You're seeking Him. I want to be close to Him. There is so much joy and peace in being near to Him.
Matthew 6:33 tells us to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." It is because of Him that we live. It is because of His grace that we woke up this morning. It is because of His mercy that you are even able to read this message. So, how can we go about life trying to find our purpose and reason for being if we don't first seek the One who created us? If we don't give Him all of the glory, honor, and praise? If we don't live our lives according to His word? How will we ever become not lost?
I hope this all makes sense. Sometimes I tend to go off on tangents. Bottom line is this:
God knows your needs. He knows your wants. He knows the desires of your heart. If God said it is so, then it is so. Don't fret. Don't worry. You continue to walk your Chrisitian walk. You continue to walk and grow in faith. Remember every day that it is because of Him that you live and He will keep you. He will guide you to your purpose. God is a loving God and only wants the best for us.
I've realized that this is not what I want to do. Sure, I am happy that God blessed me with the opportunity and with a job so that I can eat, pay bills, etc. However, when I look at the broad scope of things, I don't see myself doing this forever. I love to write. I love to express myself. I love to sing. I love music. I see myself writing. I've always been a writer. Even when I was younger, I was forever writing short stories, poems. And somewhere along my journey, I lost touch with it. I began to listen to others. I let fear paralyze me. I think I can do it. I know I can do it. The first step is actually doing it.
I look at other people and I find myself almost envious of the fact that they are doing what they want to do. They're going after what is in their hearts because they WANT to. It's what makes them happy. Sadly, I'm sitting at work right now- writing. And I'm so content. I think it's my calling. God placed this in me. And it's up to me to work on it and use it to glorify Him. I can reach so many- help so many people. I already do it on a daily basis with my simple Myspace page. Just imagine the multitude of people I could reach if I really put effort into this gift that God has given me.
We constantly find ourselves looking for ourselves. "What's my purspose?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "What's my gift?" I'm not one to preach because I'm not a preacher. But I know that when you pray to the Lord to reveal something about yourself to yourself, good or bad, He will do it.
If you're struggling trying to figure out what it is that God has for you, continue to pray about it. But hopefully you're constantly building a relationship with God. You're seeking Him. I want to be close to Him. There is so much joy and peace in being near to Him.
Matthew 6:33 tells us to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." It is because of Him that we live. It is because of His grace that we woke up this morning. It is because of His mercy that you are even able to read this message. So, how can we go about life trying to find our purpose and reason for being if we don't first seek the One who created us? If we don't give Him all of the glory, honor, and praise? If we don't live our lives according to His word? How will we ever become not lost?
I hope this all makes sense. Sometimes I tend to go off on tangents. Bottom line is this:
God knows your needs. He knows your wants. He knows the desires of your heart. If God said it is so, then it is so. Don't fret. Don't worry. You continue to walk your Chrisitian walk. You continue to walk and grow in faith. Remember every day that it is because of Him that you live and He will keep you. He will guide you to your purpose. God is a loving God and only wants the best for us.
7.29.2007
Walk Away
It's been two months since I've written anything. And I think its because I was afraid of what came out of me when I sat down and began to type. I was reading over my last entry. I've actually made up with the friend that I called "my ace." She crossed my mind and I sent her a text message. We ended up on the phone the next day and talked for three hours straight. And it's funny how things work out, because she ended up being there for me when I made the decision to leave the guy that I was dating.
Read through my blog, and I'm sure you'll get plenty of background info on him. So, no need to go into all the details. But I did something that I've never had the strength or courage to do. I simply walked away.
Women. We tend to stay in situations, knowing that they're not good for us. They're actually unhealthy! But we want to stick it out. Things will change! It will get better! If I just do this, then he'll come around! If I give him what he wants.... blah blah blah
I am guilty of it. I'm guilty of putting myself in a situation where the man didn't respect me. He didn't want to be with me. He wasn't even over his ex. And I allowed him to treat me how he wanted to treat me. He was quick to tell me about myself, without stopping to look at himself. He was quick to compare me to other women- especially his ex. There was no satisfying him. And when I was told that I was a conflict of interest, I had to get out. That was the last straw.
Don't ever allow anyone to tell you that you are a conflict of interest in any type of way. Don't settle for BS. And definitely don't fret over what will happen once you put your foot down.
When I told my friends about what happened, some of them immediately began to ask me about other guys. They would say, "well, what about the guy you met last month?" or "what about the guy who lives up the street from you?" I don't have a problem with being single. And moving on to someone else isn't going to solve anything. My problem is the fact that the relationship that I had with this person did not work out. But I'll get over that small factor. I'm actually looking forward to my time alone. I think its needed. I'm never selfish. I always think about everyone else's feelings. So, its high time that I focus on me, not to mention my relationship with God. Yes, it seems to be an ongoing thing. I go back and forth.
I put God on the back burner when I was dating this guy. My Sundays ended up being spent with him. And its not the guy's fault. It's mine. I did it. And after all was said and done with the guy, I shamefully went to God with my head bowed and asked him for forgiveness, help, and peace. I felt like God was punishing me; like he wasn't listening. But you see, I wasn't listening. Last night I opened my Bible. And honestly, I did it full of doubt. I didn't think that I would get any answers by simply opening my Bible. But guess what I found?
Psalm 77- The person is in despair and calls on the Lord, feeling though that He is ignoring him. But he then begins to meditate on all of the wonderful things that the Lord has done for him and remembers that God's love is unfailing.
I then turned a few pages and landed on this: Philippians 4:4-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Now, if that's not God speaking to me, then I really don't know what is. He told me. Don't be troubled. Don't feel anxious about the outcome of the situation. I've got you. Give it all to me in prayer and I will give you peace beyond your understanding.
I questioned whether I did the right thing. Now I know.
Read through my blog, and I'm sure you'll get plenty of background info on him. So, no need to go into all the details. But I did something that I've never had the strength or courage to do. I simply walked away.
Women. We tend to stay in situations, knowing that they're not good for us. They're actually unhealthy! But we want to stick it out. Things will change! It will get better! If I just do this, then he'll come around! If I give him what he wants.... blah blah blah
I am guilty of it. I'm guilty of putting myself in a situation where the man didn't respect me. He didn't want to be with me. He wasn't even over his ex. And I allowed him to treat me how he wanted to treat me. He was quick to tell me about myself, without stopping to look at himself. He was quick to compare me to other women- especially his ex. There was no satisfying him. And when I was told that I was a conflict of interest, I had to get out. That was the last straw.
Don't ever allow anyone to tell you that you are a conflict of interest in any type of way. Don't settle for BS. And definitely don't fret over what will happen once you put your foot down.
When I told my friends about what happened, some of them immediately began to ask me about other guys. They would say, "well, what about the guy you met last month?" or "what about the guy who lives up the street from you?" I don't have a problem with being single. And moving on to someone else isn't going to solve anything. My problem is the fact that the relationship that I had with this person did not work out. But I'll get over that small factor. I'm actually looking forward to my time alone. I think its needed. I'm never selfish. I always think about everyone else's feelings. So, its high time that I focus on me, not to mention my relationship with God. Yes, it seems to be an ongoing thing. I go back and forth.
I put God on the back burner when I was dating this guy. My Sundays ended up being spent with him. And its not the guy's fault. It's mine. I did it. And after all was said and done with the guy, I shamefully went to God with my head bowed and asked him for forgiveness, help, and peace. I felt like God was punishing me; like he wasn't listening. But you see, I wasn't listening. Last night I opened my Bible. And honestly, I did it full of doubt. I didn't think that I would get any answers by simply opening my Bible. But guess what I found?
Psalm 77- The person is in despair and calls on the Lord, feeling though that He is ignoring him. But he then begins to meditate on all of the wonderful things that the Lord has done for him and remembers that God's love is unfailing.
I then turned a few pages and landed on this: Philippians 4:4-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Now, if that's not God speaking to me, then I really don't know what is. He told me. Don't be troubled. Don't feel anxious about the outcome of the situation. I've got you. Give it all to me in prayer and I will give you peace beyond your understanding.
I questioned whether I did the right thing. Now I know.
6.03.2007
Walk Away
It seems to me that this is the season for changes, whether they be good or bad. I've noticed that people around me, including myself, are going through situations in relationships. Not just between a man and a woman, but between friends. Is it something in the air?? Over the past year, I have fallen out with four people who are extremely dear to me. Four people in one year. That is a lot. One- an ex- just recently asked me to be his friend on the Lamebook. We exchanged a few messages. But our relationship will never be the way it was. My roll dog. My nigga. My ace. We stopped communicating all together last year. And I will take some fault in the situation. I did blow up and hang the phone up in her face. I gave it some weeks and called and apologized. But I guess the damage had been done because I never heard a word from her. Birthdays and holidays have since come and passed and the two of us have not uttered a hello over the phone or dared to send a text.
The situation at hand that caused this blog happened over Memorial Day Weekend. I won't go into all the specifics because I really don't feel like typing that much. But I will say that I hate that things had to come to that. And my friends know that I am an extremely open hearted, emotional, caring friend. I hate to have conflict. I hate to have ill feelings or any type of tension. But I felt like I had done all I could do. When you've done all you can and are still misunderstood, what do you do? I walked away. I was insulted in a way that I have never been insulted before. I was accused of putting them to the wayside. I was accused of not being there for my friend when they KNOW that the LAST thing in this world that I wanted was to NOT be there for her. If I could, I would go down there for every single event in their lives. But I can't. I'm not rich. I'm barely supporting myself up here. And when I see a chance for us to be together and you throw it in my face???? That is unacceptable. When I am trying to do all I can for both sides and you throw it in my face???? When I went back in forth in my mind trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get to her graduation party and ultimately had to come to the conclusion that I just couldn't do it- and you throw it in my face????
Then there is nothing else to say. There is nothing left to do. It's OK. When you've done all you can do and are still misunderstood, you just walk away. And that's just what I did.
The situation at hand that caused this blog happened over Memorial Day Weekend. I won't go into all the specifics because I really don't feel like typing that much. But I will say that I hate that things had to come to that. And my friends know that I am an extremely open hearted, emotional, caring friend. I hate to have conflict. I hate to have ill feelings or any type of tension. But I felt like I had done all I could do. When you've done all you can and are still misunderstood, what do you do? I walked away. I was insulted in a way that I have never been insulted before. I was accused of putting them to the wayside. I was accused of not being there for my friend when they KNOW that the LAST thing in this world that I wanted was to NOT be there for her. If I could, I would go down there for every single event in their lives. But I can't. I'm not rich. I'm barely supporting myself up here. And when I see a chance for us to be together and you throw it in my face???? That is unacceptable. When I am trying to do all I can for both sides and you throw it in my face???? When I went back in forth in my mind trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get to her graduation party and ultimately had to come to the conclusion that I just couldn't do it- and you throw it in my face????
Then there is nothing else to say. There is nothing left to do. It's OK. When you've done all you can do and are still misunderstood, you just walk away. And that's just what I did.
5.29.2007
Nonexistent
emotions.
i try not to be ruled by my emotions
these feelings that overcome me and send me
into an abyss of overwhelming thoughts
gut feelings.
my women's intuition kicks in and
i can't fight the feelings
i can't shake them
i want to ask questions
i want to know if what i'm sensing is
the truth
is my living in vain?
am i nonexistent to you
in the sense that i want to exist to you?
am i your scapegoat?
am i carrying you on my shoulder while you decide
what you really want
i'm not pressuring.
i am however a woman with
feelings. emotions. gut feelings.
i don't want to be hurt
the shit has hit the fan.
i don't want to jump into a relationship
but
a relationship is what we have
i want you to acknowledge what is in front of you
i want you to see
the present
and not
the past
and until you can do that
i am the one who is in fact
nonexistent
i try not to be ruled by my emotions
these feelings that overcome me and send me
into an abyss of overwhelming thoughts
gut feelings.
my women's intuition kicks in and
i can't fight the feelings
i can't shake them
i want to ask questions
i want to know if what i'm sensing is
the truth
is my living in vain?
am i nonexistent to you
in the sense that i want to exist to you?
am i your scapegoat?
am i carrying you on my shoulder while you decide
what you really want
i'm not pressuring.
i am however a woman with
feelings. emotions. gut feelings.
i don't want to be hurt
the shit has hit the fan.
i don't want to jump into a relationship
but
a relationship is what we have
i want you to acknowledge what is in front of you
i want you to see
the present
and not
the past
and until you can do that
i am the one who is in fact
nonexistent
4.30.2007
4.28.2007
Do I Stay or Do I Go?
I'm so jealous. That's the first topic at hand.
I'm here in VA. I have a bachelor's degree from the best University in the world. I have a family that loves me to death. I have friends that are closer to me than any sister could be. But I'm jealous.
Last night I dreamed that I cried on my mom's shoulder's because I didn't have my girls. I know that we all have to grow up. But I need my girls. They are seriously like life support to me. They are the only people I can truly talk to and relate to. And the jealousy comes in when I hear news about the lives of other people I went to school with who are still in Alabama. They are all going on with their lives just as I am, but they are doing it together. They are all getting fabulous jobs and houses together. Everyone needs a support system. And I want mine back. I'm living my adult life, my adult job alone.
The other thing that is bothering me is the fact that I am fighting with whether to feel bad for wanting someone to want only me. I've been dating this guy for a minute now. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He cheers me up when I'm down. I love to be around him. I can lay in his arms and listen to him talk for hours. I can sit on his bed and watch him watch the game and be content. He has a good heart. He is genuine. He cares about me.
But there is one problem.
He doesn't know what the hell he wants. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore because I needed some stability in my life. I was partly joking. But on the other hand, I wasn't.
Technically, no. We are not an official couple. No, I can't introduce him to people as my "man". However, all of my friends here and in Alabama know of him. My co-workers know of him. His fam knows of me. His friends know me. The people on his job know me. If we're not together, we're on the phone. If we're not on the phone, chances are, we're together.
And I know how men are. Relationships are a responsibility. And he isn't ready to deal with all that comes along with it. But if I'm not mistaken, we are already 60% there. I'm not asking him to jump in the water and "be" with me. But I am asking for some reassurance. I need to know that I'm not wasting my time. I need to know that I am spending my time and energy on someone who does see me as someone he cares about and wants to continue to let that grow. I need him to be content, because I am content.
I already did this... WHEN I WAS 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are men so difficult? I know that we are not "official". I know that I can talk to other men if I wanted to. But I am content.
Is he content? Why do men have to entertain 10 women at the same time? Or is it that, no, he isn't a man. He is just immature. And I need to keep it moving before things get any deeper.
A part of me wants to scream at him that he is 26 years old - not 17!!!!! Yeah, I'm still young. I have the rest of my life to live and blah, blah, blah. But I'm also not 16. I'm tired of dating people just for fun. I want to eventually meet a MAN. A MAN who is ready to stop whoring around. A MAN who can handle a relationship. A MAN who can take the good with the bad. A MAN who is mature enough to understand that no one is perfect. Everyone has their quirks. A MAN to grow with.
I've come to a crossroad in our relationship. Which way do I go?
looks like i answered my own question a year ago:
http://fullcomplexity.blogspot.com/2006/07/i-love-to-laugh-i-can-stay-on-youtube.html
I'm here in VA. I have a bachelor's degree from the best University in the world. I have a family that loves me to death. I have friends that are closer to me than any sister could be. But I'm jealous.
Last night I dreamed that I cried on my mom's shoulder's because I didn't have my girls. I know that we all have to grow up. But I need my girls. They are seriously like life support to me. They are the only people I can truly talk to and relate to. And the jealousy comes in when I hear news about the lives of other people I went to school with who are still in Alabama. They are all going on with their lives just as I am, but they are doing it together. They are all getting fabulous jobs and houses together. Everyone needs a support system. And I want mine back. I'm living my adult life, my adult job alone.
The other thing that is bothering me is the fact that I am fighting with whether to feel bad for wanting someone to want only me. I've been dating this guy for a minute now. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He cheers me up when I'm down. I love to be around him. I can lay in his arms and listen to him talk for hours. I can sit on his bed and watch him watch the game and be content. He has a good heart. He is genuine. He cares about me.
But there is one problem.
He doesn't know what the hell he wants. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore because I needed some stability in my life. I was partly joking. But on the other hand, I wasn't.
Technically, no. We are not an official couple. No, I can't introduce him to people as my "man". However, all of my friends here and in Alabama know of him. My co-workers know of him. His fam knows of me. His friends know me. The people on his job know me. If we're not together, we're on the phone. If we're not on the phone, chances are, we're together.
And I know how men are. Relationships are a responsibility. And he isn't ready to deal with all that comes along with it. But if I'm not mistaken, we are already 60% there. I'm not asking him to jump in the water and "be" with me. But I am asking for some reassurance. I need to know that I'm not wasting my time. I need to know that I am spending my time and energy on someone who does see me as someone he cares about and wants to continue to let that grow. I need him to be content, because I am content.
I already did this... WHEN I WAS 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are men so difficult? I know that we are not "official". I know that I can talk to other men if I wanted to. But I am content.
Is he content? Why do men have to entertain 10 women at the same time? Or is it that, no, he isn't a man. He is just immature. And I need to keep it moving before things get any deeper.
A part of me wants to scream at him that he is 26 years old - not 17!!!!! Yeah, I'm still young. I have the rest of my life to live and blah, blah, blah. But I'm also not 16. I'm tired of dating people just for fun. I want to eventually meet a MAN. A MAN who is ready to stop whoring around. A MAN who can handle a relationship. A MAN who can take the good with the bad. A MAN who is mature enough to understand that no one is perfect. Everyone has their quirks. A MAN to grow with.
I've come to a crossroad in our relationship. Which way do I go?
looks like i answered my own question a year ago:
http://fullcomplexity.blogspot.com/2006/07/i-love-to-laugh-i-can-stay-on-youtube.html
3.20.2007
Her Storm, My Desire
OK. So, it's been a MINUTE since I've written anything. I had to get over my fears of certain people knowing about whats going on in my life. But see, that's just it. It's MY life. And I don't live my life for any of the people who read this thing.
Life here in VA is strolling right along. The career is going well. I've made a few friends. Well, one that I can really call someone that I can count on. I've joined a church. And I've even met a guy. That's what's on my mind right now.
I've become her. I am an extremely empathetic person. I don't like to get involved in situations where I feel that I contribute to any one's unhappiness. I don't like drama. Well, here is my question of the day:
Life here in VA is strolling right along. The career is going well. I've made a few friends. Well, one that I can really call someone that I can count on. I've joined a church. And I've even met a guy. That's what's on my mind right now.
I've become her. I am an extremely empathetic person. I don't like to get involved in situations where I feel that I contribute to any one's unhappiness. I don't like drama. Well, here is my question of the day:
Why am I dealing with someone else's storm??
And I know for a fact that he is someone else's storm. He is the love of someone else's life. I am her B and he is my Ke. She is me, a year ago.
But I can't do it. Me and him are not together. However, we are seeing one another. We both acknowledge the fact that we enjoy being around one another and that there is a connection. There is a very strong connection between me and him. But when is enough enough? He talks to me about his situation with her. I listen. I occasionally get angry because sometimes, no, I don't want to hear about her. But this is only natural. How long can two people go on, nurturing a connection, without anything else happening? How long will I be ok with how things are?
At the moment, I am fine. Our strong connection, friendship, companionship hasn't been long. But it took off and never stopped. I don't want to be his girl because there are issues with his ex that aren't resolved. There is drama. DRAMA. But how and when do I know to really back off. He is a man. Men want their cake. And they want to wash it down with all the ice cream and soda that they can get their hands on. Do I remain his confidant, risking falling for him and getting hurt if things take a weird turn? Do I sit and continue to listen to his situation and be there for him, knowing that 45 minutes from me is a woman who is going through the same things that I dealt with barely a year ago?
That empathetic part of me wants to leave him alone and urge him to go to her, make it work. But the other part of me says, what if he was meant for you to get to know? I know that people can remain in relationships that aren't good for them. They can try and try to make it work, even adding an addition to the relationship, only to find that they still aren't for one another. I've been there.
Maybe I will just continue to sit and be his friend. His confidant. His companion. I'm not falling. Surprisingly. Maybe I won't. But I just can't swallow the idea of me becoming her, him becoming him, and she being me.
1.30.2007
Sweet Memory. To Every Season.
I go through these cycles where I am fine with the way things are. And then I go through these cycles where I constantly think about things from the past. I guess I'm reminiscing. Well, its not actually that. Because I also dream about stuff. My mind is still detoxing. I thought it was over. But I guess not. It's like a drug addict. You think you're over the addiction and then it resurfaces and hits you dead in the face. This time wasn't that bad though. I think a series of events with this guy (presently) and some other stuff prompted the dream.
I was riding in the car with one of my exes. (I only have three.) And he was driving and I was sitting in the passenger's seat, looking out the window, as he explained to me why he didn't want to be with me. It started off as, "Yes, you're beautiful but there are just some things that you do....." In the dream, I guess I heard what he was saying, but to me, it just all started to be a mess of sounds and I remember looking just looking out the window and feeling awful. And as I began to open my mouth to reject or possibly defend why I did the things that I did, I was all of a sudden in front of this other guy. He was standing there in front of me. He was unusually shorter than me, his face really sad and solemn, his head hung low. And all I could do was say, "I'm sorry." I hugged him. And that was the dream.
I know exactly what this dream means. Its so scary. I try to keep a feeling repressed, but my dreams ALWAYS tell on me.
So, I was driving this morning and listening to my music. My guilty pleasure, Three Six Mafia, came on and I rocked out hard! That took my mind back to my sophomore year of college and this boyfriend that I had who LOVED Three Six. Then Common came on. That transported me back to the summer of 2005. Yuk. And then "Sweet Memory" by Vivian Green came on. It was all over! I feel the same as her. Sometimes I just want to know how he's doing. That's all. But of course my anger and frustrations and hot headed-ness as usual put an end to all communicative ties with him. Life does go on though. And in the future if it is meant for us to see each other again or become friends, we will. I know it.
It seems that 2007 is gonna be the year for me to clean out my closet and get rid of anything that is bad in my life. It's ONLY January and I have lost 3 people who were dear to me. Not physically- like death. But I have made a conscience decision to let them go. (LOL! If I could have done that with fat boy, I would have saved myself TWO years of heart ache....) But seriously. Not everyone is your friend. And not everyone is meant to be in your life. We all go through seasons. It's sad, but true. To every season there is a reason. That is in one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE songs by The Byrds. You might not know them. But look it up. They always play that song in was scenes in movies about Vietnam.
But the song uses a Bible verse from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
The song is really beautiful. But its all true. Some people are not meant to travel the road of life with you till the end. Some were put in your life to get you through something, to help you learn something, and vice versa.
I'll stop rambling now. I just pray that the friends I have now, my girls, my sisters, are not meant merely for a season in my life. I love those girls and couldn't imagine the next 50 years without them.
I was riding in the car with one of my exes. (I only have three.) And he was driving and I was sitting in the passenger's seat, looking out the window, as he explained to me why he didn't want to be with me. It started off as, "Yes, you're beautiful but there are just some things that you do....." In the dream, I guess I heard what he was saying, but to me, it just all started to be a mess of sounds and I remember looking just looking out the window and feeling awful. And as I began to open my mouth to reject or possibly defend why I did the things that I did, I was all of a sudden in front of this other guy. He was standing there in front of me. He was unusually shorter than me, his face really sad and solemn, his head hung low. And all I could do was say, "I'm sorry." I hugged him. And that was the dream.
I know exactly what this dream means. Its so scary. I try to keep a feeling repressed, but my dreams ALWAYS tell on me.
So, I was driving this morning and listening to my music. My guilty pleasure, Three Six Mafia, came on and I rocked out hard! That took my mind back to my sophomore year of college and this boyfriend that I had who LOVED Three Six. Then Common came on. That transported me back to the summer of 2005. Yuk. And then "Sweet Memory" by Vivian Green came on. It was all over! I feel the same as her. Sometimes I just want to know how he's doing. That's all. But of course my anger and frustrations and hot headed-ness as usual put an end to all communicative ties with him. Life does go on though. And in the future if it is meant for us to see each other again or become friends, we will. I know it.
It seems that 2007 is gonna be the year for me to clean out my closet and get rid of anything that is bad in my life. It's ONLY January and I have lost 3 people who were dear to me. Not physically- like death. But I have made a conscience decision to let them go. (LOL! If I could have done that with fat boy, I would have saved myself TWO years of heart ache....) But seriously. Not everyone is your friend. And not everyone is meant to be in your life. We all go through seasons. It's sad, but true. To every season there is a reason. That is in one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE songs by The Byrds. You might not know them. But look it up. They always play that song in was scenes in movies about Vietnam.
But the song uses a Bible verse from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
The song is really beautiful. But its all true. Some people are not meant to travel the road of life with you till the end. Some were put in your life to get you through something, to help you learn something, and vice versa.
I'll stop rambling now. I just pray that the friends I have now, my girls, my sisters, are not meant merely for a season in my life. I love those girls and couldn't imagine the next 50 years without them.
1.26.2007
Jinxed. Lame-o's.
I'm sick. I jinxed myself actually. I was thinking to myself about how I've gone so long without getting sick. And now look. I have a sore throat that is making my whole respiratory system feel like crap. Blah. I went to work yesterday, but there is no way I'm going to walk around for 8 hours straight, smile, and be polite to random rude women who come in the store looking for dumb stuff like ice picks.... Plus, I can't start my new job sick. So, I have to stay at home and recuperate for my first day next week.
Now. I may be a bit partial to this feeling because I dated one. But what is the deal with men who pledge Alpha? I get these friend requests on Myspace from these "Super Alphas". Every picture that they have up is of them throwing up the phi. It's quite annoying. And every captions is like, "Never leave home without Alpha" or "Alpha goes everywhere I go". WTF?!? Yes, I am very PROUD to be a Sigma Gamma Rho. Yes, I have quite a few picks of myself holding up my sign. But dang. It's one thing to repRHOsent. <----- like I just did. But its another thing to be totally and utterly consumed by it to the point that you come off as being boring and lame. And let's not forget the fact that some of these men are in their thirties!! But that's my opinion on the matter. And I only use Alpha because it seems as if those are the only ones who send me stuff. Yuk. That has to be in my TOP FIVE Pet Peeves. Get a life outside of your org....
But! For the record!! I know some WONDERFUL men who are Alphas. I love them to death.
And that's my rant for today.
Now. I may be a bit partial to this feeling because I dated one. But what is the deal with men who pledge Alpha? I get these friend requests on Myspace from these "Super Alphas". Every picture that they have up is of them throwing up the phi. It's quite annoying. And every captions is like, "Never leave home without Alpha" or "Alpha goes everywhere I go". WTF?!? Yes, I am very PROUD to be a Sigma Gamma Rho. Yes, I have quite a few picks of myself holding up my sign. But dang. It's one thing to repRHOsent. <----- like I just did. But its another thing to be totally and utterly consumed by it to the point that you come off as being boring and lame. And let's not forget the fact that some of these men are in their thirties!! But that's my opinion on the matter. And I only use Alpha because it seems as if those are the only ones who send me stuff. Yuk. That has to be in my TOP FIVE Pet Peeves. Get a life outside of your org....
But! For the record!! I know some WONDERFUL men who are Alphas. I love them to death.
And that's my rant for today.
1.25.2007
Almost Doesn't Count
Shrimp. I absolutely love shrimp! The reason that I say this is because I am eating some Chinese food that I got the other day. Chinese food always tastes better reheated. So does Thanksgiving day dinner... But anywho....
I wasn't gonna say anything or touch on this subject. But I want to. I have nothing better to do. A friend of mine who decided to fall out with me on his own wrote some disturbing things about me and my friends in his blog. It's one thing to write about me. But when you involve my friends, you're playing with fire. The things he said were SO off the mark. And they verify the things that people have said about him that I always denied. People always called him cocky and self absorbed. But I never saw that. Well, the truth showed its ugly face. I went home for my b-day and of course, him being cocky and living in his own little world in his head, thought that I was mad at him and thought that I was bad mouthing him. He went on to say in his blog how me and my friends sat up and talked about him ALL weekend and called him all kinds of names and did this to help us sleep better. It's funny. But it angers me because I can't believe how stuck on himself he is. If he only knew that I didn't think twice about him. If he only knew that my heart wouldn't have skipped a beat if he never came over. If he only knew that the only time his name was mentioned was when HE texted me....
And a part of me thinks that he WANTS me to hate him. He WANTS me to be mad. Because that's what I do. When I care a lot about you and I let you in my corner, if you hurt me, I WILL talk about you and I WILL bad mouth you to my friends. But that's only because I allowed you to get to a spot that only one or two have truly gotten to.
Well, I love you. I care about you deeply. I'm not and was never mad at you. I never "fell out" with you. I guess you did with me. I have no hard feelings. But as far as getting in my corner, you never made it that far. And looking back on your actions, you never will.
I wasn't gonna say anything or touch on this subject. But I want to. I have nothing better to do. A friend of mine who decided to fall out with me on his own wrote some disturbing things about me and my friends in his blog. It's one thing to write about me. But when you involve my friends, you're playing with fire. The things he said were SO off the mark. And they verify the things that people have said about him that I always denied. People always called him cocky and self absorbed. But I never saw that. Well, the truth showed its ugly face. I went home for my b-day and of course, him being cocky and living in his own little world in his head, thought that I was mad at him and thought that I was bad mouthing him. He went on to say in his blog how me and my friends sat up and talked about him ALL weekend and called him all kinds of names and did this to help us sleep better. It's funny. But it angers me because I can't believe how stuck on himself he is. If he only knew that I didn't think twice about him. If he only knew that my heart wouldn't have skipped a beat if he never came over. If he only knew that the only time his name was mentioned was when HE texted me....
And a part of me thinks that he WANTS me to hate him. He WANTS me to be mad. Because that's what I do. When I care a lot about you and I let you in my corner, if you hurt me, I WILL talk about you and I WILL bad mouth you to my friends. But that's only because I allowed you to get to a spot that only one or two have truly gotten to.
Well, I love you. I care about you deeply. I'm not and was never mad at you. I never "fell out" with you. I guess you did with me. I have no hard feelings. But as far as getting in my corner, you never made it that far. And looking back on your actions, you never will.
1.18.2007
Nothing for real....
What's new with me?
I went to AL to celebrate my 24th. I had an absolute BLAST!!!! I honestly thought that I would be ok going down there. But I teased myself. When I came back, I was a complete mess. I was Alabama sick all over again. I feel so WHOLE when I'm with my girls. They are my sisters. They are closer to me than ANYONE is. It just feels so right when we are all together. I don't know whats going to happen in the future. But we have to be near one another. It's imperative.
So, we're chilling, doing what we do. We're dancing around to Beyonce and wanted to hear number 10. Well, if you have B's album, then you know that there is an extended version that plays after "Resentment" and "Listen". So, we decided to listen to the two and just let the CD play until the extended version came on. Me, being me, decided to perform "Resentment". I was in my own little world. And as I'm singing, it became real. I was crying- in tears!- by the end of the song. When the song was over, I opened my eyes and my friends were looking at me like, "what the hell???" And then, I notice that my other friend was taping the whole thing. It's interesting. Either I know how to feel songs really well or I have some issues that aren't really solved. Well, not issues. But feelings that are repressed. Who knows.
I might just post the video.....
I went to AL to celebrate my 24th. I had an absolute BLAST!!!! I honestly thought that I would be ok going down there. But I teased myself. When I came back, I was a complete mess. I was Alabama sick all over again. I feel so WHOLE when I'm with my girls. They are my sisters. They are closer to me than ANYONE is. It just feels so right when we are all together. I don't know whats going to happen in the future. But we have to be near one another. It's imperative.
So, we're chilling, doing what we do. We're dancing around to Beyonce and wanted to hear number 10. Well, if you have B's album, then you know that there is an extended version that plays after "Resentment" and "Listen". So, we decided to listen to the two and just let the CD play until the extended version came on. Me, being me, decided to perform "Resentment". I was in my own little world. And as I'm singing, it became real. I was crying- in tears!- by the end of the song. When the song was over, I opened my eyes and my friends were looking at me like, "what the hell???" And then, I notice that my other friend was taping the whole thing. It's interesting. Either I know how to feel songs really well or I have some issues that aren't really solved. Well, not issues. But feelings that are repressed. Who knows.
I might just post the video.....
1.11.2007
Lessons Learned
I'm off work today. I get to be lazy and lay around in my sweats and hair scarf all day. Its great. I got a job. I'm super excited. I was so ready to leave my current employer. That place is hell. Seriously. And its more the management than anything. But as the saying goes, you go through everything for a reason. Man, those were some rough 7 months. I can't believe I stayed there that long. But you know what, I've made some friends that I adore. And I have learned some lessons. Some were lessons that were already learned, but perhaps reiterated. I really think I've met some people who are going to be a part of my life for a very long time. They're already like a second family to me. I love them. And one is about to bring a new life into this world and I'm so excited for her. It's such a blessing......
Men. Ha ha! Another lesson learned. So, yeah, I kinda entertained this guy that I used to work with. And when I say entertained, I mean just talking on the phone, texting, movies, stuff like that. And as picky and stubborn as I am when it comes to men, I started to like him. But of course if I like you, there is something terribly wrong with you. He didn't want a girlfriend. And I didn't want a boyfriend, so it was cool. But of course he wanted to sleep with me. That's always the story though. And he's not to blame for that. But I'm not gonna air my dirty laundry on here for everyone to read. What it came down to though was the fact that I was the one making the most effort. To even just chill. It was weird. No woman should have to chase behind a man, not for a relationship or friendship! So, I stopped calling. I stopped texting. And of course that was the last I heard of him. I think I was supposed to learn that I don't have to chase after anyone. If a man wants to be a part of your life, he'll do just that. He will make every effort to be a part of your life. And I call this a reiteration because my butt got over 2 years of that crap. You would think I'd take a clue....
Keeping on with the subject of men, I learned another lesson while being up here. Yes. There was someone who made it clear to me everyday that he WANTED to be a part of my life. And I knew that. But I shouldn't of had to make myself see things his way. I shouldn't have had to question anything. I shouldn't have had to set aside my feelings about situations that were still plaguing me just because he was ready to love me. OK, maybe not love me. But you get the picture. I've learned to follow MY heart and MY intuition about things. I don't have to make myself want anything. I don't have to MAKE myself get over anything. And I don't OWE anyone anything. That's not how it works. You like me, yes. You chose to put effort into me. You chose to put yourself out there. I never once asked you to do that and you CAN'T hold that against me. And I'm not saying that I didn't like you or that I didn't care about you. But you can't just force your feelings on someone and expect them to respond when and how you want them to.
Another lesson learned is to hold on. God will take care of you. And I almost feel bad for writing this and feel like I don't deserve to because I was ANGRY at Him. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be working at the place I was working. I felt like I was being punished. I was jealous of my friends who are all together down there. I was jealous of the people who found great jobs right out of college. I was miserable. But apparently God knows exactly what He is doing. And He is showing that to me.
I've learned that you can't judge people and you can't treat people the way that they treat you. Some really awful things have happened at my current employer. And I fed into the madness. I have been disrespectful to my boss. I've been short. I've had an attitude. And its not right. But shoot! You try going through the things that I went through. I'm just thankful its over.
Hm. Apparently the growing pains don't end as you get older. You continue to learn more. And that's a good thing. I'm a lot wiser.
Men. Ha ha! Another lesson learned. So, yeah, I kinda entertained this guy that I used to work with. And when I say entertained, I mean just talking on the phone, texting, movies, stuff like that. And as picky and stubborn as I am when it comes to men, I started to like him. But of course if I like you, there is something terribly wrong with you. He didn't want a girlfriend. And I didn't want a boyfriend, so it was cool. But of course he wanted to sleep with me. That's always the story though. And he's not to blame for that. But I'm not gonna air my dirty laundry on here for everyone to read. What it came down to though was the fact that I was the one making the most effort. To even just chill. It was weird. No woman should have to chase behind a man, not for a relationship or friendship! So, I stopped calling. I stopped texting. And of course that was the last I heard of him. I think I was supposed to learn that I don't have to chase after anyone. If a man wants to be a part of your life, he'll do just that. He will make every effort to be a part of your life. And I call this a reiteration because my butt got over 2 years of that crap. You would think I'd take a clue....
Keeping on with the subject of men, I learned another lesson while being up here. Yes. There was someone who made it clear to me everyday that he WANTED to be a part of my life. And I knew that. But I shouldn't of had to make myself see things his way. I shouldn't have had to question anything. I shouldn't have had to set aside my feelings about situations that were still plaguing me just because he was ready to love me. OK, maybe not love me. But you get the picture. I've learned to follow MY heart and MY intuition about things. I don't have to make myself want anything. I don't have to MAKE myself get over anything. And I don't OWE anyone anything. That's not how it works. You like me, yes. You chose to put effort into me. You chose to put yourself out there. I never once asked you to do that and you CAN'T hold that against me. And I'm not saying that I didn't like you or that I didn't care about you. But you can't just force your feelings on someone and expect them to respond when and how you want them to.
Another lesson learned is to hold on. God will take care of you. And I almost feel bad for writing this and feel like I don't deserve to because I was ANGRY at Him. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be working at the place I was working. I felt like I was being punished. I was jealous of my friends who are all together down there. I was jealous of the people who found great jobs right out of college. I was miserable. But apparently God knows exactly what He is doing. And He is showing that to me.
I've learned that you can't judge people and you can't treat people the way that they treat you. Some really awful things have happened at my current employer. And I fed into the madness. I have been disrespectful to my boss. I've been short. I've had an attitude. And its not right. But shoot! You try going through the things that I went through. I'm just thankful its over.
Hm. Apparently the growing pains don't end as you get older. You continue to learn more. And that's a good thing. I'm a lot wiser.
1.04.2007
2007. Self Love. I Love It.
It's been a hot minute since I've updated this here thingy. I've been so busy. I finally have a second to sit and write. And its literally a second. I have to be in DC by 6:30 and its 4:56.
It's 2007! Woo yeah! Thank you Jesus! I made it through 2006. I usually go through this whole thing where I look back on the past year and reflect on the craziness. But I'm not doing that this year. 2006 is over. The past is the past and I've finally learned to leave it there. I think 2006 was my year to grow. (look, I'm doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do....) But seriously. I have done a lot of growing up. And I know that 2007 is the year for me to shine, as adult Tasha. I'm getting my life together so that I can do me and only depend on God and myself. I don't have any resolutions, but I want to have my own everything by the fall of this year.
I'm so happy with myself right now. I don't mean physically or anything superficial like that. I mean within myself. I'm at a place where I am enjoying me. I haven't done that in forever. I don't think I've ever done that. I've always crowded my mind with men and the needs of others. I'm so happy being Natasha. I'm happy that I can wake up without heart ache. I'm happy that I can go to sleep at night without thinking about if someone else was thinking of me, or what they are doing and who they're with. I'm so happy with not worrying about anyone else's feelings but mine. Vivian Green said it best-"You may think I'm selfish, sorry but I can't help it. Gotta do this for me. Please don't beg and plead." And its the truth. I've never tried being selfish, but I think I like it. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just loving living my life for me and only me. I gotta get myself together and that is what this year is all about. Then, maybe, I'll find time for the "one". (laughs out loud at the notion of "the one")...
Well, I guess I'll cut this short. I gotta run.
It's 2007! Woo yeah! Thank you Jesus! I made it through 2006. I usually go through this whole thing where I look back on the past year and reflect on the craziness. But I'm not doing that this year. 2006 is over. The past is the past and I've finally learned to leave it there. I think 2006 was my year to grow. (look, I'm doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do....) But seriously. I have done a lot of growing up. And I know that 2007 is the year for me to shine, as adult Tasha. I'm getting my life together so that I can do me and only depend on God and myself. I don't have any resolutions, but I want to have my own everything by the fall of this year.
I'm so happy with myself right now. I don't mean physically or anything superficial like that. I mean within myself. I'm at a place where I am enjoying me. I haven't done that in forever. I don't think I've ever done that. I've always crowded my mind with men and the needs of others. I'm so happy being Natasha. I'm happy that I can wake up without heart ache. I'm happy that I can go to sleep at night without thinking about if someone else was thinking of me, or what they are doing and who they're with. I'm so happy with not worrying about anyone else's feelings but mine. Vivian Green said it best-"You may think I'm selfish, sorry but I can't help it. Gotta do this for me. Please don't beg and plead." And its the truth. I've never tried being selfish, but I think I like it. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just loving living my life for me and only me. I gotta get myself together and that is what this year is all about. Then, maybe, I'll find time for the "one". (laughs out loud at the notion of "the one")...
Well, I guess I'll cut this short. I gotta run.
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