In My Mind...

Have you ever had a myriad of contradistinctive emotions flooding your mind? I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I asked God today, "why me?" I know that, in a way, this could've been avoided had I just stayed put. But even still, dang. I'm so tired of this. How do I get through one battle just to go right into another one?

Here are the emotions that I went through on this Sunday:

Remember Kelis' first single, "Caught Out There"? If not, let me refresh your memory: "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! AHHHHH! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!" (Side note, I love her hair and can't wait for mine to get that long =p )

I'm a Christian, but I'm also human, made of flesh. This means that I have to FIGHT to do what is right. My flesh wants to be angry. My flesh wants to floor her upon first sight. My flesh wants to curse him out and throw things. However, my spirit knows that these things are wrong. No good can come from it and I will only be condemning myself. So, when these feelings rise up, I cry out to God like Kevin Levar:

"I want a heart that forgives 

A heart full of love 
One with compassion just like Yours above 
One that overcomes evil with goodness and love 
Like it never happened, never holding a grudge 
I want a heart that forgives that lives and lets live 
One that keeps loving over and over again 
One that men can’t offend 
Because Your Word is within 
One that loves without price, like You Lord Jesus Christ 
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies 
I want to love like You, be like You, just like You did 
I want a heart that forgives"

Then, the raw emotion of genuine hurt sets in. I want to believe in you. But I've been here with you before. I wish I could find the scene in Baby Boy where Jody goes to Yvette's house. However, she wont let him in. He then begins to pound on the locked door, shouting that he is going to do right by her. Then, you see Yvette's hand slowly move towards the door knob, ready to unlock it and let him back in. But then she remembers that he ALWAYS says the same stuff and nothing has changed. That about sums it up for me.




This morning, I talked to God and asked Him to help me forgive. He promptly responded and told  me that I can't hold onto it. I can't judge and I can't condemn. :( But it's so hard. I have so much going on. I know that forgiveness is more of an act of obedience than a feeling. I've made a conscious decision to forgive. However, the pain is still there. What happened is still there. 


A part of me believes him and I do believe that this is the one event that has finally knocked him on his behind. However, when is enough enough? The comment form to this particular post is closed on purpose.


Be blessed.

Rambling

This is a random post that you will not understand. So, don't even try to.


Last night I had a dream. In the dream, I got a phone call from someone from my past. I missed the phone call. When I went to call this person back, my phone died. So, I borrowed the phone from a friend of mine who happened to be visiting me from Texas. So, I called the person from my past and someone else answers the phone. The someone else is extremely rude to me. Then, the someone else gives the phone to the person from my past. What do we do? We argue. Go figure.

Not by My Power

I see God's undeniable presence in my life. I see Him working. It's crazy (in a good way). It's really kind of freaky actually. When I think about it, I become a ball of gratefulness because I've done nothing to deserve it and I most definitely do not understand it. But I'm pressing on throughout the confusion and thanking Him in the process. I see the open door, I just don't know what's through it. Testimony on the way. Stay tuned....

In the meantime, enjoy my favorite song at the moment: "Already Here" by Brian C. Wilson. Jacks me up every time.

Directionally Challenged

Directionally Challenged

The Weekly Walk

'Why have we fasted, and you see it not? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?' Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure, and oppress all your workers. Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight and to hit with a wicked fist. Isaiah 58:3-4

Sometimes Christians are directionally challenged. They focus either on their horizontal or their vertical relationships, not connecting on how these relate to each other. Maybe you have some horizontal stuff (with people) that you need to deal with before you can get the vertical thing with God right. Isaiah 58:3-4 says, "Behold, you fast" (you seek God in a worshipful way) "for contention and strife and to strike with a wicked fist." In other words, you fight and fume with people all week and then you come to worship. Instead of leaving church determined to get right with people and be an instrument of reconciliation in this world, you walk out and before you get 100 yards, you pound the steering wheel over a traffic jam in the parking lot. You fuss at the kids all of the way home. In the middle of all of that, you try to fold in some genuine, personal relationship with God. God is like, "You're kidding, right? You want Me to be part of that?" God doesn't meet with us when our lives are filled with strife.

God has taught me the hard way that you can't have the vertical thing right with Him if you haven't at least done your part to make the horizontal relationships right. Romans 12:18 says, "As much as it is possible, as much as it lies within you, be at peace with all men."

Jesus said in Matthew 5:23 that if you come to worship God and, while you're at the altar, you remember that you have a problem with somebody, you should leave your sacrifice and go make the relationship right. Just get up and walk out and get on the phone or write the letter or get in your car and get over to that house and humble yourself before that person and say, "I'm just so sorry for what's happened. Please forgive me." Or "I want to tell you that I forgive you." "As much as it lies within you, be at peace with all men."

Sometimes you can't control it. I've learned that, too. But if you haven't done your best to be right with people, don't come and expect to be right with God. God doesn't involve Himself in that kind of worship.

This is taken from James MacDonald's book, "Gripped by the Greatness of God"
Check him out here: Walk in The Word

Obedience

OMG I WANNA BLOG SOOOO BAD!!! LOLOL!!!! AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!! But I can't and I won't!!!!!

Not until I figure out what my true motives are for posting it......

So instead I'll just kiss those thoughts goodbye! hehe... i just wanted to post this pic. Me likey.

Nappy... Curly....WHATEVER!!

The latest craze these days seems to be black women embracing their own hair. We're ditching the relaxers, blow dryers, and pressing combs for afros, twist outs, and wash n gos. All of that is great. It's spectacular! But I have a huge problem.

We're going natural and still not embracing our own self.

What's the point of "going natural" if all you're going to do is obsess over trying to get something that you don't have? If your hair isn't curly, chances are, it's not going to ever be. If you hair isn't thick and doesn't give you that big chunky fro look, chances are, it will never be.

I'm all for styling. Sometimes you do want more curl definition- meaning that you want to rock your hair this way for a style. But becoming obsessed with getting your hair to curl urks the crap out of me.

I have a tight nit circle of friends at my church and all of us are either natural or transitioning. It's a beautiful thing. But lately, I've found that there is this obsession with having curly hair. And I really want to yell: "YOUR HAIR IS NOT CURLY!!" Wetting your hair and then putting all of this product on it just to give yourself the allusion that its curly is pretty pitiful to me.

To me, that tells me that 1. you don't like what you have, 2. you think there is something wrong with hair that doesn't turn into beautiful ringlets when its wet and dries, and 3. you are going around selling false hopes to all of the other people that you give advice to.

I just feel that if you have to go through this long hoop-la process to get your hair to hold a curl, then it wasn't meant to do it. So rock what you got and keep it moving.

One of my friends doesn't have curly hair. She has beautiful soft, almost cotton like hair with little curl definition. But the other friend who is curl obsessed keeps feeding her these stories about what products will "bring out the curl". NO! How about you tell her how to keep the hair that she has healthy so that she can grow out her own beautiful hair just the way that it is.

I walked up to another female in the church who was natural and asked her what she had done differently to her hair. She said, "My mom put a texturizer in it last night." Of course I asked her why and she replied, "I wanted to loosen my curl."

I was engaged in another conversation and I AGAIN heard, "I want to loosen my texture."

Now, don't get me wrong. Do you. If you aren't happy with what you got, then by all means, do you. But that doesn't mean that I agree with it. And I don't.

Even in our "natural" state, we still can not accept ourselves for who we are.

When will the cycle end?

This is so stupid...

ever feel like everything that you say makes things worse?
ever feel like you can't win for loosing?
ever feel like the situation that you're in is stupid and childish?
ever feel like grabbing the person in the situation by the neck, punching him/her in the face, and telling him/her to get the fcuk over it?
ever feel like screaming?
ever get so frustrated/angry/upset that you don't even want to pray about it?
ever have something end before it ever really started?
ever not realized how much you wanted things to work until it began to not work?
ever felt adrenaline run through your body while you're sitting at work and can't do anything about it?
ever not known what to do to make it right again?
ever wanted to cry, but couldn't?
ever realized that you prayed about this, that God is God, and that there is nothing that you can do about it but sit back and go for the ride?

God's will is perfect.

Safe in His Arms

When the storms of life are raging
And the billows roll
Im glad
He
shall hide me
Safe in His arms

In My Mind

It's Wednesday. And I'm so tired. Well, not really tired. Sleepy is more the word. My phone rang at 6am. It was my sorhors calling for our morning prayer. So, I in turn call my other sorhor. So, the four of us are on the phone, having prayer. As soon as one of them said, "yall have a good day" I was knocked out again. I don't even think I pushed the end button. I just rolled over and went to sleep. My alarm goes off at 6:30. UGH!!! 10 more minutes is what I tell myself. I end up waking up 20 minutes later. So, now I'm rushing.

No make-up today. No funky styles with my hair. No contacts. I am roughing it! Thank God I live 10 minutes away from my job. And thank God that we can dress casually every day of the week. If not, I would be messed up today.

I don't know why I like to think I'm grown and try to stay up late. But staying up late is fun... You learn a lot about yourself when you stay up late. Ok, maybe not learn, but you remember a lot. I know me pretty well. And I know how I operate. And when I have to operate in new situations, with new people, I tend to put up a wall. And I didn't realize that I was doing it until it was brought to my attention. I was like, ahhh yes. You're on point with that one.

Sometimes I wish that I could just let go of all my reservations and just let it all out from jump. But that is foolish. It would be foolish of me to jump to conclusions. It would be foolish of me to assume. So I remain quiet and "blog" about it until there is some clarity in the situation.

Pride. That is one area that my Daddy is working on me with. I keep being put in these situations where I have to deal with it. Case in point: I come second to no one. Are you interested in me? Were you interested before? If you were, how are you gonna try to talk to two women who have to work so closely with one another? Had she wanted to develop something more with you, would we still be friends? Did I jump to conclusions in the beginning? What was really going on?

Pride will not allow me to move in any direction until I understand the beginning. The beginning boggles my mind. And its because I didn't understand you. Of course, women talk. So, I know things. I know what was said to whom. I know answers to questions that were asked about me. I know that you genuinely liked her. So, even though nothing was going on between us, we were communicating. And communicating like that could have led to something more. It could have led to curious minds: could this become something more? So, to stop that entire process from happening in my mind, I fell back. Pride. I come second to no one.

To my surprise, he understands me. To my surprise, he reads me better than he thinks he does. To my surprise, I don't mind it when he "tells me about myself." I don't know what's going on. I do know that I enjoy talking to him. I enjoy getting to know him. And if all we're meant to be is friends, that is OK too. I guess time truly will tell.

Still

I tell myself that I'm over you. In my mind we are through. To love you and serve my God in no way can be true.

We're on two different pages. We're traveling down different paths. But I miss your conversation. How you made me laugh.

Stary skies, in your truck, you told me how you felt. I listened, though already there, you made my heart melt.

Months go by. Cycle after cycle. Continuous. Never an end. My soul in desperation. Living in this venemous sin.

New beginnings mark one year. You're still all in my ear. In my soul you've made a tie. I still held you dear.

I know what is best. I want to pass this test. God use me as you will. And our lives you shall forgive.

To You he gives his heart. Declares you as his Lord. But baby steps is what he tells me. Still filling his own void.

I cry out to you in pity and in pride. The other side of me no longer can I hide.

Still one month later. Still one year later. I lay here and tell myself that I'm over you.In my mind we are through. To love you and serve my God in no way can be true.

Sticky Fingers. Unmotivated. Emails

I went to Whole Foods, my version of "Sally's", to get some glycerin. I've been reading a lot about using glycerin to keep napptural hair moisturized. So, I made my spray. I think I made it too thick though. When I touch my hair, my fingers feel slightly coated. But my hair doesn't feel sticky. And I know that napptural hair isn't going to shine like relaxed hair. But I sure do wish I could find something to make it shine. Maybe I'll try the placenta. Or possibly some color? But color scares me. Chemicals scare me. Period.

If you kept sending me forwards that in the past I would respond to and now I never respond, what would your reaction be? Would you keep on sending me the stuff???

I'm tired. I just want to go home and get in the bed. I'm tired of trying to figure my way through all these numbers, terms, and figures that I have yet to be fully trained on. I almost want to have the attitude of, "if they don't care, why should I?"

Jesus. I need you now more than ever.

Under paid + low benefits + no motivation + terrible management= unhappy me who would would rather blog and look at fotki's than work

An Emotional Wreck

Am I PMSing? For the 11 years that I have had a cycle, I have been the WORST PMSer ever. I get extremely moody and emotional. However over the years, the symptoms have decreased. Lately, I'm just peachy before, during, and after my cycle.

The reason why I ask this question is because for the past two days, I have been one emotional wreck. Ok, really since Sunday. And today was the worst day. I was ANGRY and FRUSTRATED at work. I ended up storming out at lunch time. I drove to Wendy's and sat in my car and ate. That calmed me down a little. I didn't feel like hearing Gospel- well the cheesy songs that were playing- so I turned to see what was playing on 95.7Jamz. They were playing old songs from back in the day. That was cool.

I then decided to read my daily devotional and read my Bible. That was nice- (besides the fact that my heart was beating like it wanted to jump out of my chest. I was anxious for some reason.) I sat and enjoyed the sun and the warmth of my car for a good 30 minutes before I decided to drive back to work.

I'm still feeling frustrated. I turn to see what's playing on 104.1 (Gospel channel). Still cheesy. And let me clarify. Just because a song is praising the Lord does not mean I'm going to sit through it if it sounds like crap. So sue me. Or better yet, stop reading my blogs if you disagree.
(see what I mean?? I'm CRANKY!!!!) I turn back to the R&B station and that darned Usher song is playing. "Love in the Club". That has to be the DUMBEST song I've ever heard in my life.

This is what our youth are listening to. This is what makes them happy. This is what they relate to now. And it PISSES ME OFF. Anywho, back to the story...

I begin to tear up. And it gets worse. I pulled around the back of my office building where no one was and sobbed.

Confession.

I know its not PMS. It's the resurfacing of someone whom I thought I was done with. I thought I was over him. But the thing is, I feel like I am. Maybe its the "situation" that I'm not over? I really can't put my finger on it. But thinking about him makes me upset.

Every since he came to church on Sunday and got saved, I have been an absolute wreck. I'm happy for him. I praise God for it. But I've been a wreck.

I don't understand it. Maybe it all just happened around the time my cycle is supposed to start. So, that's why I'm all emotional. Too much stimuli.

I'm frustrated.

With my Job- I thank you Lord for blessing me with this job. I know the economy and the job market is looking shaky. So, thank you for what I do have. But I am not content anymore. And didn't you tell us to never become content? To keep pushing and striving?

With my hair- I'll be so happy when this is over. I'm starting to have doubts. Some serious doubts. I'm talking about braiding it up until the "three plus" inches that I chopped off grow back- and then slapping a relaxer in it.

With my self- Why can't I just let go and let God. I don't want to half-heartedly do it. I want to let go and BE CARE FREE!!!!

With men- ugh. Need I say more?

Finances- Thinking about it just makes me shake my head.

Virginia: Northern VA to be exact- I don't want to live here the rest of my life. Not like this.

I feel stuck. I feel stuck. I feel stuck. There is no better way to put it. I know what I need to do. Pray. I know this. I feel like I'm being broken all over again.

Be still and know I am God.

He is the potter and I am the clay.

But IN THE END, I am victorious. It is written. It is promised. It's already done.

I just have to believe it, have faith, and go through it.

Sigh.

I am Not My Hair....

I had a slight freak out this morning. Last weekend, I cut off a good three inches of hair. I did it to make my transition easier and also because I haven't had a trim in a minute. I figured I'd do it myself because I won't be wearing my hair straight ever again. I don't plan on it. I don't want to do any damage to my new growth. So anywho, I 've worn my hair in flat twists all week. I love that look. But on Fridays, I usually undo them and wear a twist out.

I undid my twist out this morning and was not pleased with the results. I freaked out. It just didn't look right. Is it because it's shorter? But I can't be freaking out over that! I want to chop ALL of my relaxed ends off this summer. So, how in the world am I going to rock a TWA (teeny weeny afro) if I'm freaking out over a couple inches of hair?

And last night I dreamed about my hair. I dreamed I had a fro. A lot of transitioners did this prior to their chop. Who woulda thought that something as simple as hair would cause all of this psychological mumbo jumbo in our heads????

Anywho- I'm afraid my head isn't the right shape for a TWA. But, I rocked SUPER short hair in high school. Wearing my hair long for so many years has really altered my confidence in myself.

I am beautiful, darnit, with or without hair going down my back. Besides, it'll grow back.

And as far as a man is concerned, I haven't had a successful relationship with long, relaxed hair. So, what difference will it make if I chop it all off. Hey, this might do the trick! I might attract the right guy... ha!

But You Don't Know My Name

My last two posts were kind of serious. Blah. I'm feeling a bit light hearted today.

Last night I'm sitting in church, soaking up what my pastors are teaching us. Everything is going well. Pastor does altar call. We're praying and praising God.

And then it happens.

He appears right before my eyes.

I kid you not, my heart skipped about three beats, my hands got sweaty, and I felt all hot and bothered.

I say to myself, "Satan, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus!" lol! I know the women standing on either side of me thought I was crazy. But the feeling wouldn't go away.

Pastor's words went from, "And we thank God for these souls who have decided" to "wamp wamp wamp, wamp wamp, wamp wamp wamp...."

I began praying out loud- "God please! Help me! I don't want to feel like this!"

It was horrible!

Now some background info.

I was sitting in church one Sunday when I spotted him. It was his first time there. I know because when we welcomed the first time visitors, he raised his hand to receive a guest package.
I then saw him about two weeks later. I was sitting with my friend. I was trying to point him out to her. And as I'm staring and smiling dreamily, he turns and looks dead at us.

CAUGHT! Ugh... I felt so ashamed. I don't want this guy to think that I come to church to man hunt. That's NOT the case. For some reason, I'm just really attracted to him.

And see, the thing about me is that I'm extremely picky. I'm not tooting my own horn. I'm just telling the facts. I've had two very nice men at the church ask me out within the past week. And its so annoying because I'm not interested.

But back to last night...

So, after benediction, I'm standing around talking to one of my guy friends and one of the guys i mentioned above. The whole time that the two of them are talking to me, I'm looking past them, trying to find out where cutie went.

I lost him.

So, guy mentioned above proceeds to walk me out of the church and declare his like for me.

Frustration.

I agree to go out to lunch with him after service some time in the future.

So, I get to my car, get inside, put the key in the ignition and drive off. As soon as I'm off of church grounds, I go at it.

"WHHYYY?!?!?!??!!??!?! Why Lord???? I know that I should trust you. I know that you got me! But why is everyone that I'm NOT interested in want to talk to me???"

This goes on for about a good seven minutes. I then come to my senses and realize that God is God. And that ultimately He is in control. I trust Him with my life. So, if its meant to be- it's going to be. If cutie wants to get to know me, he will make it known. He has to know that I'm curious. I've made a conscious effort to make eye contact with him twice. And the second time he was sitting ACROSS the sanctuary from me.

So, I'm letting it go and I'm letting God.

Geez.... Another thing keeping me from not approaching this guy is my track record. I seem to have bad "good guy" radar. So, I'm going to leave this one to my God.

Who the Hell Am I?

Yesterday I was upset. And I can't really pin point why. The day started off bad. I get to work, and the vibe is bad. Towards the end of the day, my boss pisses me off to the point that I am shaking. I ended up staying at work and extra hour and then when I do get off, I get outside and my car wont start because someone left my lights on. I say it was my friend. She says it was me. I had to get a jump. So the car starts working. I come home and have a message from someone on the Lamebook. (don't ask me who, cuz its not important.) Just know that it added to the madness. My heart felt so heavy. The many deaths that have occurred this year were also on my mind. All of this was mixed up in my mind. I called my friend and I told her how heavy my heart was.

And I then began to cry.

I sobbed on the phone. And she just listened. Like a friend is supposed to do. It was the next best thing to crying on her shoulders since we live 12 hours apart...

I then realized how much I'm beginning to learn about myself. Prior to moving up here, I thought that I was OK with change. I always thought that i was the type of person who accepted and needed change. I see now that I was wrong. The uncertainty of life scares the hell out of me. I remember saying (in between sobs) how I wanted to go back to college where everything was laid out.

Being out of Alabama and the element that I lived in for almost 5 years has really allowed me to focus on me. I react to stimuli. I react to the things that bother me or force me to stop and take a look at myself. Its a scary thing when you think you know yourself, and come to find out that you have no clue who that person was 2 years ago.

God is doing some major renovations within my life right now. I can't wait for the finished product.....

THE. FAT FUCK. FOR REAL

SO. The way I feel right now is a bit indescribable. A varied series of events have occurred in the past week. They've left my heart so heavy that I haven't been able to write at all. Usually, when something happens, I'm quick to vent. I haven't written in my journal or blogged about anything. That is highly unlike me. I finally feel a bit lighter. Not much though. I'm a big bag of mixed of emotions right now. So bare with me as I try to sort them out....

I went to AL. Blah. I can't get into all of it. I want to. But it’s SO MUCH! I did enjoy myself. Visiting Alabama left me feeling all mixed up. I want more, I'm confused, I'm scared. Surprisingly though, I'm not angry. I used to try to keep people anonymous for the sake of their privacy. And I was also a bit ashamed to let the world know that I was still dealing with some 'issues'. But screw that. This issue brought himself into the picture. So, I shall vent about it.

The last real thing that he said to me was, "I don't give a damn about you or what you do." Cool. You don't care? Then you don't care. Don't bother to contact me again. Don't bother thinking about even FORMING your lips to say my name again. A couple of days later, I find out he has a girlfriend. Mind you, I was in his bed two weeks prior. But that’s a WHOLE other story that’s not important. See, my issue with him is not the fact that he was obviously lying to me and obviously her for a long ass time. I'm over that. Shit happens. My issue is the fact that after he said those hateful words to me, he still tried to contact me. The nigga called three times after I moved to VA. He then trusts to send me a message on the Lamebook. (facebook). Why? Don't you remember? You don't give a damn about me. Well, this is where (as Toni likes to refer to him) Fat Fuck reappears in my life:

I went to Alabama to see someone. He flew me down there. We had a party and of course he finds out. And of course he makes his way to the venue. He then tries to TALK TO ME!!!! WTF?!? He calls my name. Wait, he yells my name. I look at him and keep walking. You don't want to talk to me. Remember? The nigga STILL tries to talk. "Oh you can't speak? I thought we were adults." Fuck that. I am an adult. I don't have to like you. And I don't HAVE TO SPEAK TO YOU. I gave in. And I gave him dry yes/no responses to his questions. I finally got aggravated and exploded. I told him to "muthafuckin leave me alone". And I meant it. You don't tell someone that you don't give a damn about them. Especially when you know how much they care (cared) about you and expect everything to be ok when you feel like talking. I swear he has some control issues........... That’s my vent on that.

Now... Onto the real thing that’s been bothering me. The. We go way back. We go back further than any of your brothers. We go back further than any boyfriend that I've had. I know that you care about me. And I care about you. You know that the situation with 'Fat Fuck' has left me a bit 'dry'. I don't want to feel again. I guess I'm scared too. And that is no excuse. (Just like there are no excuses for what happened last Saturday) When I first saw you at the airport, the feeling that I got STARTLED me. And when you hugged me, (I don't know if you noticed or not) I pulled away because I didn't understand what I was feeling. When we were on your couch watching TV on Friday- the little break we took before we went to the mall- and I had my legs on your lap and you were kinda holding them.... I was uncomfortable because I felt so comfortable. It's almost like I was fighting it. I'm scared to feel again. I'm afraid to fall for you in any shape, form, or fashion because I don't want to go through it again. At least not now. I'm not mentally ready for that. I don't think I can handle it. There are so many things going on in my head right now. You think you know, but you have no idea. My days used to be filled with thoughts of him here and there. Now I find myself thinking about you and what you're doing. I don't know what it means. And please don't take it for more than it is- or less. I probably shouldn't be saying this because I KNOW how you feel about me and all this is going to do is confuse you. But its how I feel.

I may lose something good because of my own insecurities, resentment, and fear. But I CAN'T give you what you want from me. I just can't do it. And it’s not fair to you for me to not respond to you when you open up. It's not fair for you to allow your feelings to grow while I fight mine. You're gonna get a girl and I'm gonna kick myself and probably be real upset. But that’s life, right? Whatever is meant to be, in fact, will be.