I'm so jealous. That's the first topic at hand.
I'm here in VA. I have a bachelor's degree from the best University in the world. I have a family that loves me to death. I have friends that are closer to me than any sister could be. But I'm jealous.
Last night I dreamed that I cried on my mom's shoulder's because I didn't have my girls. I know that we all have to grow up. But I need my girls. They are seriously like life support to me. They are the only people I can truly talk to and relate to. And the jealousy comes in when I hear news about the lives of other people I went to school with who are still in Alabama. They are all going on with their lives just as I am, but they are doing it together. They are all getting fabulous jobs and houses together. Everyone needs a support system. And I want mine back. I'm living my adult life, my adult job alone.
The other thing that is bothering me is the fact that I am fighting with whether to feel bad for wanting someone to want only me. I've been dating this guy for a minute now. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He cheers me up when I'm down. I love to be around him. I can lay in his arms and listen to him talk for hours. I can sit on his bed and watch him watch the game and be content. He has a good heart. He is genuine. He cares about me.
But there is one problem.
He doesn't know what the hell he wants. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore because I needed some stability in my life. I was partly joking. But on the other hand, I wasn't.
Technically, no. We are not an official couple. No, I can't introduce him to people as my "man". However, all of my friends here and in Alabama know of him. My co-workers know of him. His fam knows of me. His friends know me. The people on his job know me. If we're not together, we're on the phone. If we're not on the phone, chances are, we're together.
And I know how men are. Relationships are a responsibility. And he isn't ready to deal with all that comes along with it. But if I'm not mistaken, we are already 60% there. I'm not asking him to jump in the water and "be" with me. But I am asking for some reassurance. I need to know that I'm not wasting my time. I need to know that I am spending my time and energy on someone who does see me as someone he cares about and wants to continue to let that grow. I need him to be content, because I am content.
I already did this... WHEN I WAS 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are men so difficult? I know that we are not "official". I know that I can talk to other men if I wanted to. But I am content.
Is he content? Why do men have to entertain 10 women at the same time? Or is it that, no, he isn't a man. He is just immature. And I need to keep it moving before things get any deeper.
A part of me wants to scream at him that he is 26 years old - not 17!!!!! Yeah, I'm still young. I have the rest of my life to live and blah, blah, blah. But I'm also not 16. I'm tired of dating people just for fun. I want to eventually meet a MAN. A MAN who is ready to stop whoring around. A MAN who can handle a relationship. A MAN who can take the good with the bad. A MAN who is mature enough to understand that no one is perfect. Everyone has their quirks. A MAN to grow with.
I've come to a crossroad in our relationship. Which way do I go?
looks like i answered my own question a year ago:
http://fullcomplexity.blogspot.com/2006/07/i-love-to-laugh-i-can-stay-on-youtube.html
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