I go through these cycles where I am fine with the way things are. And then I go through these cycles where I constantly think about things from the past. I guess I'm reminiscing. Well, its not actually that. Because I also dream about stuff. My mind is still detoxing. I thought it was over. But I guess not. It's like a drug addict. You think you're over the addiction and then it resurfaces and hits you dead in the face. This time wasn't that bad though. I think a series of events with this guy (presently) and some other stuff prompted the dream.
I was riding in the car with one of my exes. (I only have three.) And he was driving and I was sitting in the passenger's seat, looking out the window, as he explained to me why he didn't want to be with me. It started off as, "Yes, you're beautiful but there are just some things that you do....." In the dream, I guess I heard what he was saying, but to me, it just all started to be a mess of sounds and I remember looking just looking out the window and feeling awful. And as I began to open my mouth to reject or possibly defend why I did the things that I did, I was all of a sudden in front of this other guy. He was standing there in front of me. He was unusually shorter than me, his face really sad and solemn, his head hung low. And all I could do was say, "I'm sorry." I hugged him. And that was the dream.
I know exactly what this dream means. Its so scary. I try to keep a feeling repressed, but my dreams ALWAYS tell on me.
So, I was driving this morning and listening to my music. My guilty pleasure, Three Six Mafia, came on and I rocked out hard! That took my mind back to my sophomore year of college and this boyfriend that I had who LOVED Three Six. Then Common came on. That transported me back to the summer of 2005. Yuk. And then "Sweet Memory" by Vivian Green came on. It was all over! I feel the same as her. Sometimes I just want to know how he's doing. That's all. But of course my anger and frustrations and hot headed-ness as usual put an end to all communicative ties with him. Life does go on though. And in the future if it is meant for us to see each other again or become friends, we will. I know it.
It seems that 2007 is gonna be the year for me to clean out my closet and get rid of anything that is bad in my life. It's ONLY January and I have lost 3 people who were dear to me. Not physically- like death. But I have made a conscience decision to let them go. (LOL! If I could have done that with fat boy, I would have saved myself TWO years of heart ache....) But seriously. Not everyone is your friend. And not everyone is meant to be in your life. We all go through seasons. It's sad, but true. To every season there is a reason. That is in one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE songs by The Byrds. You might not know them. But look it up. They always play that song in was scenes in movies about Vietnam.
But the song uses a Bible verse from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
The song is really beautiful. But its all true. Some people are not meant to travel the road of life with you till the end. Some were put in your life to get you through something, to help you learn something, and vice versa.
I'll stop rambling now. I just pray that the friends I have now, my girls, my sisters, are not meant merely for a season in my life. I love those girls and couldn't imagine the next 50 years without them.
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