The Real Thing: Track 14.

He adores everything about me
From the naps on my head to the lisp in my talk
From the mole above my ear to the chipped polish on my toes
He adores me
I am his queen
He whispers in my ear how beautiful I am to him
And how he wants no one else
He holds me close
So close that our hearts beat in time
I look up at him
And without hesitancy, without any expectations
I tell him I love him
He smiles
And holds me even closer

I adore everything about him
From the gap in his teeth to the freckles on his face
From the way that he walks to the pucker of that top lip
I adore him
He is my king
I walk up behind him and embrace his strong back
I squeeze him tight and he squeezes me back
I tell him how I’m so blessed to have him in my life
And that I’ll love him even through the strife
He turns around and kisses me
A kiss that isn’t about sex
A kiss that isn’t about lust
A kiss full of emotion
Love

Tears fall from my eyes
I look up at him

And then…..

I wake up.

Have You Seen Me?

Somewhere along the way I lost myself

I'm not sure how and I can't tell you when

But somewhere along the way

I lost myself

$80 jeans, stiletto pumps, a bag to match each fit

That was never me

I was cute in my overalls, flip flops, and a baby Tee

Worrying about my hair, eyeshadow on my lids?

A ponytail and some chapstick was all that I'd give

And with this simplicity I was confident and care free

You get what you got, love me or hate me

But somewhere along the way

I lost myself

BCBG, Nine West, Baker's, Steve Madden

Where did all of this come from?

Louis Vitton, Coach, Prada

MAC eyeshadow and lipgloss

Just a whole lot of

junk

Junk that was suffocating me

Junk that was blinding me

Junk that was turning me into

someone else

Somewhere along the way

I lost myself

Chemical fire cream every 12 weeks

Roller wraps, flat irons

hair so sleek

I did all of this

just for you

to not even acknowledge

the pain that I went through

to become someone else

to become her

just to have you love me less

deeper and deeper

i was drowning

in this sea

suicide

slowly murdering the real me

I'm not sure how i survived

don't know who came to my rescue

but I'm glad i was revived

my life brand new

Somewhere along the way I lost myself
I remember now and can tell you when

But I'm happy to say

that it'll never happen again

Commencement

I hold on tight with all my might
My heart is in my hand
So hard to let go

I kick, fight, and scream to hold on to this piece of me
The inner parts, the secret places
I'm reluctant to let you to see

This fear that I have stems from deep inside
Insecurities and experiences mixed with pride
I've gone on this long, just getting by
At the end of failed relationships
I sit and cry

I ask God to help me
Show me my self
Get rid of the junk
Clean off the shelf

My first love will be You
No one will block my view
Seeking your face
I know there is a place
Where all that I've ever imagined
will be added unto me
My life a living testimony for this world to see

You want me healthy and happy
I can't be that way without You

So continue to work on me
I'm checking in for surgery

Show me my wrongs
Cleanse my soul
Give me a new life
I want to reach that goal

Our foundation must be You
Plant our feet on solid ground
On Your solid rock I'll stand
Because all other ground is
sinking sand

And from this firm foundation
Our lives will blossom
We'll be pleasant in Your site
Oh how awesome!

As I let down my guard to give my heart away
Even more of me will be given to You
This I do pray

You are the fount of my existence
The source of my life
The peace in my storm
The victory in strife

I love you Lord because you first loved me
I will make you proud
This you'll see

You Want Control- 8.16.05

Oldie but goodie:

You Want Control
You just have to have the upper hand
You gotta be the bigger man
Even if it costs hurting me
Your lies are more important than the pain and grief
That you cause me when you play with my head
Tell me one thing and do another instead
You cant handle the fact that Ive moved on
Don't want me to call you on the phone
And ask for something that has nothing to do with you
Maybe assistance or a little help with the move
Is that the only reason you called? you ask
Why else should I be calling? I don't hide behind masks
Like you do, its so plain to see
Your youth, denial, and mediocrity
I don't have time for the games, though I did in the past
I wanna see you hurt, want it to happen fast
You reap what you sew is what they say
What goes around comes around, it'll happen one day
But I want what hes sewn to reap right now
I want the come around to come and don't know how
I can let go of this desire that I have of you
To see you down on your knees crawling in plain view
Of the world to see the agony that you caused me
Want you to beg for mercy, cry like a child
Give me praying hands while I laugh out loud
But knowing me, Ill only forgive
Give you one more chance and a day to live
And change the things you did to me
Make right the wrongs and erase the grief.

Enough

On the phone
We can talk about anything
So easy, so comfortable
That’s how I feel with you
I could lie in your arms
And listen to your heartbeat
I could kiss you for hours
No need for air
The breath you breathed
Was enough for me
But I was in too deep
That shouldn’t have been enough
Another man longed for that spot
And eventually I gave in
I left you alone
And now that the smoke has cleared
I see you
And I smile
I hear your voice
And I smile
I hear your laugh
And I smile
But it’s not enough
Can’t be enough
Obviously isn’t enough
Because if it was
You would be mine

It's Not Fair

It's not fair.
With the click of a mouse
You can see into my mind.

This page holds my thoughts.
Its my own diary.
I've never shied away from
sharing myself.

You never know what someone
else is going through.
So I continued to share my stories,
encouraged by the
comments of women and men
who were going through
the same thing.

But its not fair.
With the click of a mouse
You can know my thoughts.

I have no idea whats going on
in your world.

Do you still think about me?
Do you hate me?
Do I still care?
Am I being true to myself?

All of the questions
above
I want to express
right here, right now.

But I can't.
And I wont.

Because

It's not fair.

Twilight

How does something so right
Turn ill
in a matter of days

I want to ask questions
Tell me if you still care
about me

But fear of your reaction
keeps me at bay

Mom tells me that we
pick and choose our battles:
Are you going to be able to deal with
the way he handle's things?

You are very head strong
Stubborn to say the least
And what matters the most
is getting your point across
Instead of focusing
on the important
facts

You told me you cared
You told me that your
future
could involve me
You opened the door to
your world

And now
How do you feel?
Has all of that been erased
And if so, how could any of it
have been real
if you're so quick to throw it away
over an incident that was never real?

Will the old you conquer?
Will you not care how
you do me?
Or will you pray for God
to help you get through this

I don't know

You say that you're done
Is it because you're tired of fighting
yet the feelings are still there?
Or is it because you want to move on
and continue on this journey

I'm not superwoman
I have feelings and emotions too
But if having certain feelings
causes this type of commotion
then I don't want to deal
with
you

Breakout

I'm trying to contain the battle within me
If I don't breakout soon
I wont be able to contain it

There is a ball of frustration

anger
fear
confusion and
helplessness
brewing in me

I don't know how to express it
How do I exercise these feelings
in a
healthy way?

I understand you
I get it
But you have to move on

I'm taking steps to get over this bridge
You're standing there steadily
staring down at
the problem

Look up
Grab my hand and let me
lead you to the
other side of this
situation

Clarity
Calmness
Peace
Love
Happiness

Why won't you just look up?
Why are you staring at the problem?

I can't hold my hand out much longer

Give me something

Tell me more than how it
made
you feel

Let me know that you
want to get through this
that
you still care

What is there not to understand?
Take my hand
Trust me

Let's get
over this bridge

Daydream

the phone rings
and i ignore it

emails flood my inbox
all unread

deadlines approaching
tons of commotion


yet and still
i sit and look out my window

daydreaming
of
something

better

Continuation

To ease the pain she went to see an old flame
The incident reminded her all too well of her past
Lies, deceit, and rejection
all in her face

Feeling empty inside and no place to hide
she picked up her phone and dialed his home.
"You've reached the voicemail box of...."
Dang.

So she called a friend. In the middle of her ranting
those familiar 10 digits pop up on her phone.
Frantic.
She immediately answers.

Within two seconds, she's telling him that she wants to see him.
She turns her car around and makes her way
back to the Bridge.
It's 11:45 at night. But who cares.
The thought of being alone right now scares her.
Being left alone with all of those emotions sends chills through her body.
She makes it to his place.
They talk. They laugh. They reminisce. They kiss.
All night long.
No time for sleep.
She gets home just in time to jump in the shower and start a new day.
No one will ever know the pain she feels inside:
The war that is going on within her.
She paints on her happy face, walks out the door, and cries on the way to work.
But the tears shed will never be seen by those close to her.
They will never know the pain that she feels inside.
They will never know the burden that she hides.
They will never understand the root of her problem.
Of a girl who is crying out for help.
Who is crying out to feel loved.
Who is crying out for someone to understand
and not judge her.

There's much to do.

So she'll tuck this incident in the back of her mind,
never to be revisited again
She'll keep pushing forward and repent of her sins
Until something happens and reminds her of then.
But there wont be a next time because she is through
Tired of being hurt and mistreated
Tired of reinventing herself
Being brand new

She'll take this as a lesson learned.
"The root of the problem" a loved one once said.
So maybe now she can go on with her life
No more pretending
No more hiding

What happened in her past was no small thing
She's left to put the pieces back together
The fragments of her being that he shattered.
These fragments that find themselves reappearing in her life

She doesn't want to face the pain.
But she knows that its the only way to get over.
To heal.

False Start

How could a relationship conceived from betrayal
birth truth?
How can something done in the dark sustain itself
in the light?
How can blessings be poured upon a lie?

She tried to do things her way
Only to see it crumble in her face
Secret rendezvous
Smiles when no one is looking
Late night texts
All day emails

She was quick to put out
And even though sex wasn't involved
this time
The result is still the same

Quick to put out
her time
her trust
her thoughts
her heart

Now it seems that the same has been done
to her
She can't be upset
She can't be mad
You reap what you sew

This relationship conceived from betrayal
birthed a world of pain and confusion
for herself only.

Life Line

My mind is going in so many different directions.
If I'm all over the place, I can't focus on You.
If I'm worried about situation A and B,
If I'm wrapped up in work,
If I'm busy emailing,
If I'm busy gossiping,
I can't focus on You.

My life is in You.
My being is in You.
My dreams are in You.
My everything is You.

So
If You are my life
and
I focus all of my energy on my surroundings
I become disconnected from You
and
I die.

Eyes Wide Shut

Our eyes are extremely deceptive
Words are venomous
Thoughts play devil's advocate
And before you know it, there is a battle going on

We become blinded by what we want to see
Our reality is merely a pretty picture that we've concocted
But the truth of the matter
The scary realization
Is that
We don't know anything

Numb

My heart hurts.
Feelings. What is the point of having them?
We aren't supposed to react off of our feeligs.
Our praise is not predicated on the way we feel.
Feelings can get you into a lot of trouble.
I watch the news and I feel.
I see a child cry and I feel.
I see a friend in pain and I feel.
I hang out with loved ones and I feel.
I see tears of joy and I feel.
I hear a song and I feel.
But why feel?
Feelings are so powerful.
Sometimes I wish I could turn off my feelings.
Sometimes I wish I didn't feel.

Floating

God loves me, despite my flaws
He sees beyond my faults and sees my needs
This type of love is hard for me to comprehend
It’s greater than any love that I’ve experienced
I looked for this love in my parents
I looked for this love in my friendships
I looked for this love in my relationships
No matter how many times I mess up
No matter how many times I refuse to pray
No matter how many times I doubt
He loves me anyway
I want to feel his presence
I want to lock myself up in my room with Bible in hand
and not come out until I feel Him
I need guidance. I need assurance. I thirst for Him
I thirst for His touch. I thirst for His joy
I thirst for his peace. I thirst for His righteousness
My lips long to drink from the cup of holiness
That maybe one sip will change me forever
Holy Spirit
Fall down on me
And never leave
Never to sin again
Never to worry again
You are Holy
You are pure
You are righteousness
You are what I need
What I long for
I can’t fight it anymore

Cumulus Clouds

i love the rain
against my window
grey skies

cumulus clouds

the pitter pat of rain
echoing the beat
of my heart
against yours

melodies

your smile
lets me know
I'm yours
each kiss sweeter
drunk off of you

love

hazy eyed i drift
deeper and deeper
into this abyss

we are one

one beat
one breath
one voice
one fluid movement

i wake up

the sound of rain
against my window
grey skies
cumulus clouds

New Life?

I’m struggling with my sense of self
I’m struggling with me
How do I fit into this new life that has become mine?

I had no issues before
I am who I am
You either hate it or love it
But that now can’t be
How do I fit into this new life that has become mine?

Stressed out or burdened
Upset or broken
Idle or bored
I had a way to escape all of the above
How do I fit into this new life that has become mine?

R&B
Soul
Funk
Jazz
A sucker for
A beautiful melody
A crazy bass line
Harmonies out of this world
How do I fit into this new life that has become mine?

How I see myself
Young, sexy and free
How you dress
A representation of what’s on the inside
I agree to an extent

Mini skirt and tights
Cute top to match
Fierce hills
Hair free and wild
How do I fit into this new life that has become mine?

So afraid of letting Him down
Hearing the words of my leaders in my thoughts
Contradicting what I thought was right

I’m not talking about drinking
And I’m not talking about drugs
I’m not talking about clubbing
And its definitely not boys

I’m struggling with my sense of self
I’m struggling with me
How do I fit into this new life that has become mine?

Still

I tell myself that I'm over you. In my mind we are through. To love you and serve my God in no way can be true.

We're on two different pages. We're traveling down different paths. But I miss your conversation. How you made me laugh.

Stary skies, in your truck, you told me how you felt. I listened, though already there, you made my heart melt.

Months go by. Cycle after cycle. Continuous. Never an end. My soul in desperation. Living in this venemous sin.

New beginnings mark one year. You're still all in my ear. In my soul you've made a tie. I still held you dear.

I know what is best. I want to pass this test. God use me as you will. And our lives you shall forgive.

To You he gives his heart. Declares you as his Lord. But baby steps is what he tells me. Still filling his own void.

I cry out to you in pity and in pride. The other side of me no longer can I hide.

Still one month later. Still one year later. I lay here and tell myself that I'm over you.In my mind we are through. To love you and serve my God in no way can be true.

Not Reality, yet

Lately I've had these feelings
Lately I've been having these dreams
Lately I've been thinking about you

In my dreams I'm in love
In my dreams you love me
In my dreams I'm so happy

Could it be that I'm lonely?
Could it be that I'm ready?
Could it be that he's coming?

Are you ready for me?

Do you dream about me?
Do you love me in your dreams?
Do you feel happy in your dreams?

I don't know who you are
I don't know when you're coming

But you are on your way

Stop It

i came back into your life again
and still you blew it
i gave you another chance
and still you blew it
i opened up my heart to you
i told you that i loved you
i wanted to spend the rest of
my
life
with you

and still you blew it

you sat at that table
looked me in the eye
and asked me
what do you do
when you think
you've blown it
with the one who was
meant
for
you

i gave you the answer
and still you blew it

your time has come
and now its gone

my eyes have been opened
my arms have closed
there is no vacancy
for you
anymore

i wanted to spend the rest of
my
life
with you

and still you blew it