Rambling

This is a random post that you will not understand. So, don't even try to.


Last night I had a dream. In the dream, I got a phone call from someone from my past. I missed the phone call. When I went to call this person back, my phone died. So, I borrowed the phone from a friend of mine who happened to be visiting me from Texas. So, I called the person from my past and someone else answers the phone. The someone else is extremely rude to me. Then, the someone else gives the phone to the person from my past. What do we do? We argue. Go figure.

My Refuge

Art by Fred Matthews

Today is one of those days when I wish I had a man. I'm feeling extremely emotional, tired, frustrated, and vulnerable. All I want to do is crawl in my imaginary boyfriend's arms, cry, and feel all of the craziness lift away. He would hug me tightly and let me know that everything is going to be OK. He would kiss my forehead and then each tear that fell from my eye. He would tell me how beautiful I am to him and how much he loves me. I would look up at him and tell him that I love him too. Then we'd both smile, knowing that no matter how hectic the world got, we could find refuge in one another's arms.

But that is a dream. And as I type this, I hear the Lord saying that He wants to be my refuge. He wants to take away the pain.

But I ain't gonna lie.

It's hard.

Last Night...

... was an extremely peaceful night for me. I came home from work looked at some jobs online, and then went upstairs, showered, ate, and twisted my hair back. I had "The Original Quiet Storm on 96.3" playing in the background. My lights were dim, but not too dark for me to function. It was really nice.

Listening to all of those songs got me to thinking about love and how easy it used to be. When did it become hard? When did it become about what other people thought? When did it become about everyone else's feelings? What about the feelings of the two people involved? It used to be so easy....

Anywho... I have to make me a CD. Those songs hit the spot! Some were oldies and some I had never heard before. But of course, today, if you're not talking about money, sex, or women with Lil Wayne and T-Pain on the track, then your music will never get heard by the mainstream. You have to wait patiently for "The Original Quiet Storm on 96.3" (And you have to say it with a deep sensual voice like the guy does. hehe....) to come on.

India Arie has this song called "Good Mourning". It woke me up out of my sleep. (Yes, I fell asleep with the radio on). Her voice, the music- it was so beautiful! And on top of that, it seemed as though she was snooping in on my life when she wrote it. Why have I been sleeping on India?

And then "If Only For One Night" by Charles Earland & Najee. I love me some Najee. And that song- OH!!! I love it! I didn't know the song was 6 freaking years old?!?

And "No Rhyme, No Reason" by George Duke featuring Rachell Ferrell. That is a classic! Please, if you have never heard this song, go find it.

Bobby Caldwell- "What You Wont Do For Love" I've loved this song since I was a baby!

Frankie Beverly & Maze!! I could go on and on...

Anywho... It's cloudy outside. Just the way I like it. I'm still in my lazy, chilled out, mode. I wish I was at home, curled up on the couch doing absolutely nothing but listening to my smooth jazz/r&b and watching the candle's flicker.

*sigh*


"No Rhyme, No Reason"

Dreams... NOOOO!!!!!!!

If you were to take a gander at my blogs of the past-somewhere in between 06 and 07, you would see that I am a huge dreamer. My dreams are like an outlet for me. I used to be extremely emotional, letting the whole world know when something was bothering me. If I was heart broken or missing someone, everyone in my vicinity would know about it. I've grown out of that. But now I suppress it. This isn't healthy either. And I know that this is happening when I start dreaming about the person or situation.

In college, I was dangerously in love with my ex. And I say dangerously because it wasn't even love. It was some unhealthy, addictive, cycle that I was caught up in. It completely consumed me. I couldn't see anything past him. It was crazy. Satan is good. He tried to take me out during that situation. My friends don't even like to talk about him or that period. They tell me that I was like a completely different person. I even lost a friend (for a few years) because of it. But anywho, the point of saying all of this is that after I ran away from the whole state and tried to start a new life, I dreamed about him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for an entire year!!! It was crazy. It was like he haunted me in my sleep. And in the beginning, I would always see him, but he would never see me. As the year went on and I started to get over him, we would interact in the dreams. It was crazy. But anywho...

I dreamed about seem last night. Lawd!! Please don't let this mess happen again! Well, I know I'm not in the condition I was in two years ago. I wasn't infatuated with seem or dangerously in love. But he popped up in my dream last night. I won't get into the whole thing. But, I woke up right after we stepped into my bedroom. *sigh* I need to go to a dream interpreter. I've always said that.

Please go away seemie.

Not Reality, yet

Lately I've had these feelings
Lately I've been having these dreams
Lately I've been thinking about you

In my dreams I'm in love
In my dreams you love me
In my dreams I'm so happy

Could it be that I'm lonely?
Could it be that I'm ready?
Could it be that he's coming?

Are you ready for me?

Do you dream about me?
Do you love me in your dreams?
Do you feel happy in your dreams?

I don't know who you are
I don't know when you're coming

But you are on your way

Feeling. The Invisible Man.

So..... lately I've been feeling, well, um... a bit, geez. How do I say this????

Hormonal???

That's the best word I can use to describe it.

Last night I had this dream. I was with a man. We were hugging and stuff. HE WAS MINE!!! But he didn't have a face!!!! My friend used to tell me that she had dreams like this, and I thought she was weird. But I had one!

I remember lookin down at him, (for some reason I was standing above him), and his shirt was HOLLOW!! It was just a shirt- but no man. It was like invisi-man!!!!

But I was so happy.

Could this mean that my hubby is on the way??? =D

Does this explain me feeling, um, well.... hormonal???

Sweet Memory. To Every Season.

I go through these cycles where I am fine with the way things are. And then I go through these cycles where I constantly think about things from the past. I guess I'm reminiscing. Well, its not actually that. Because I also dream about stuff. My mind is still detoxing. I thought it was over. But I guess not. It's like a drug addict. You think you're over the addiction and then it resurfaces and hits you dead in the face. This time wasn't that bad though. I think a series of events with this guy (presently) and some other stuff prompted the dream.

I was riding in the car with one of my exes. (I only have three.) And he was driving and I was sitting in the passenger's seat, looking out the window, as he explained to me why he didn't want to be with me. It started off as, "Yes, you're beautiful but there are just some things that you do....." In the dream, I guess I heard what he was saying, but to me, it just all started to be a mess of sounds and I remember looking just looking out the window and feeling awful. And as I began to open my mouth to reject or possibly defend why I did the things that I did, I was all of a sudden in front of this other guy. He was standing there in front of me. He was unusually shorter than me, his face really sad and solemn, his head hung low. And all I could do was say, "I'm sorry." I hugged him. And that was the dream.

I know exactly what this dream means. Its so scary. I try to keep a feeling repressed, but my dreams ALWAYS tell on me.

So, I was driving this morning and listening to my music. My guilty pleasure, Three Six Mafia, came on and I rocked out hard! That took my mind back to my sophomore year of college and this boyfriend that I had who LOVED Three Six. Then Common came on. That transported me back to the summer of 2005. Yuk. And then "Sweet Memory" by Vivian Green came on. It was all over! I feel the same as her. Sometimes I just want to know how he's doing. That's all. But of course my anger and frustrations and hot headed-ness as usual put an end to all communicative ties with him. Life does go on though. And in the future if it is meant for us to see each other again or become friends, we will. I know it.

It seems that 2007 is gonna be the year for me to clean out my closet and get rid of anything that is bad in my life. It's ONLY January and I have lost 3 people who were dear to me. Not physically- like death. But I have made a conscience decision to let them go. (LOL! If I could have done that with fat boy, I would have saved myself TWO years of heart ache....) But seriously. Not everyone is your friend. And not everyone is meant to be in your life. We all go through seasons. It's sad, but true. To every season there is a reason. That is in one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE songs by The Byrds. You might not know them. But look it up. They always play that song in was scenes in movies about Vietnam.

But the song uses a Bible verse from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

The song is really beautiful. But its all true. Some people are not meant to travel the road of life with you till the end. Some were put in your life to get you through something, to help you learn something, and vice versa.

I'll stop rambling now. I just pray that the friends I have now, my girls, my sisters, are not meant merely for a season in my life. I love those girls and couldn't imagine the next 50 years without them.

Crazy Dreams Again..........

I'm dreaming again. They had honestly stopped. I guess since I didn't have to go to work and got to sleep past 6, my mind started wondering in my sleep. All I remember right now is that my co worker got off of work at twelve and because I didn't have to work, I told her that I would go over to her place when she got off. So, she gets off and me and her are walking to her house. And its a hike too! I have on house shoes because I always wear my house shoes to her house. Well, when we get there, I realize that I don't have my car and that I walked!! So I tell her to call her boyfriend to come get me and take me back home because I don't want to walk all the way to get my car. He is at work, so I have to walk home.

So I begin my long journey home. On the way, I get a little lost. But the neighborhood that I am walking through is soo familiar. It's my grandmother's neighborhood in Montgomery, AL. It's dark so I just want to get home. I cut across this one yard, and there are people watching a movie or something. They are college students. I tried to cut across another, but it was full of boys from UA and I looked a HOT MESS (house shoes, scarf on my head) so I didn't want to go. So I find this other yard to cut across. It has BARB wire all around it and I try to climb over it. My shoe get stuck! I am HANGING from the fence. (by the way, all of a sudden I have on white sneakers.....) I finally get free from the barb wire and suck it up and walk through the house with all the guys from UA (my Alma mater). When I get in there, I tried to walk quickly and hold my head down so that no one would notice me. But sure enough I get noticed. This guy named Mario that I haven't seen in 2 YEARS grabs me. We start talking and I am elated to see him. I then look at his hat. He has random pictures of people on it and I see my ex. I started looking at his shirt crazy and he was like, "whats wrong with you?" And before I could say, I turn and my ex is there, in the flesh. He is trying to say hi. He wasn't fat. He didn't look all old. And I think he was taller. It was weird.

So, I turn to him and I give him a hug. This part is fuzzy. We're talking and then he kisses me. Then, this fast, ghetto looking black girl comes up, grabs him and says. "you ready? lets do this.." They then proceed to go into a room. I looked at him and say, "You ain't got no girlfriend?" He replies, "I have my dogs." They then disappear into the room. CRAZINESS!!!! I continue my journey.

All of a sudden, I am in this neighborhood. I guess I made it home. No, I'm at a hamburger place, with the Ex. He orders his food and then I order mine. I told him that I needed a shelf for my room and he was like, "I can make you a shelf." So, that's why we were together, cuz he was gonna make me a shelf.
We get to a house, and we walk in and my friends Tiandra and someone else, maybe Tracey, are sitting at a table. We had our arms around one another, or were flirting when we walked in. He then stopped because he saw them. (At least I thought that was why.) We say a few words to them, and they have that "ummmm hmmm" look on their faces- like, I know what yall were doing....

Then, at the second table, who is sitting there? His girlfriend's friends! I just kinda stood back because I thought they had broken up. Remember, when I asked him he said, "I have my dogs." So he had words with them. They were whispering stuff that I couldn't hear. And then he left.

Next thing I know, I'm in the house alone, replaying in my head all that happened. It was so weird. But the dream doesn't end here. I'm in my house, and I look out the window and see this sigma named Joel in the next house. It was the house that me and the ex walked into when we saw my friends and his girl friend's friends. Joel was getting out the shower. And I thought it was weird because he was living with the ex's girlfriend.

Next thing, I'm with my friends. I don't remember why they had come. But they are there. The last thing that I remember happening is that Marcia gave me this number to call. I called it and I just started talking to the girl. Turns out that the girl is another girl named Tasha (who I don't like too much). I got off the phone, and I asked her what the point of that was. She just thought it was funny.... We then pulled up to Quail Valley and I woke up....

WHAT THE HELL?!?!? Any dream interpreters out there?!?!?