God, Oklahoma City, and a Cab

I'm sitting in the airport in Oklahoma city. It has been an interesting four days. I really can't say that I am ready to go home. It's not that there is so much to do here in Oklahoma; because there isn't. It's the fact that I'm away. Oklahoma city is eerily quiet. When my coworker and I were walking to the building in which our training was held, I was taken aback at the fact that I could actually hear birds. I looked up and saw a group of birds flying amongst the branches, chirping. The sky was so blue and the air smelled so fresh. It's totally different from the DC area. I would love to wake up to that every morning. It was different not hearing car horns honking, seeing people running to catch trains, smelling the burning of the metro trains as they pulled off, or having to fight to push my way through the crowd just to walk across the street. It reminded me of Alabama. Half of me was weirded out by the quietness and the other half was comfortable with it.

I will miss the serenity and friendliness of Oklahoma. Everyone, and I am not exaggerating, smiled and spoke. I didn't run into one person who didn't acknowledge my presence. People in DC think you're crazy if you're too friendly. Even the homeless (well, I'm not so sure they were homeless. But the only other word I can think of to describe them is bum. That's not nice) were friendly! One guy told us that we were "beautiful, in the name of Jesus." LOL!

I had awesome food at Toby Keith's restaurant, watched Black Swan (this movie deserves a blog post by itself. It was CRAZY!!!), and visited the memorial for the Oklahoma City Bombing. But the best part of this trip was the last day.

On my way to the airport, God spoke to me through a cab driver. He gave me direction and instructions regarding two things that I have been in prayer about. I was sitting in the back of that cab in pure awe. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was one of those things where you know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is speaking to you. And to top it off, in order to give me confirmation that it was Him, this cab driver's daughter's name was ALMOST the exact same as mine. The only difference was our middle names. However, they both start with D. :) 

God is so awesome. He shows up when you least expect Him to and in the most unconventional ways. This is why it's important that we live. Go out and live your life. Talk to the Lord about everything and watch Him move. It's the only way. I used to believe that God would drop everything I needed into my life simply because I was a "good" Christian and went to church every other day of the week. But faith without works is dead. We can have all of the faith in the world. But how can God bless if He has nothing to work with? Would you invest in someone who sat on their butt all day only talking about what he wanted to do? Neither would I. 

Another thing that I'm learning is that God loves in spite of ______________. Fill in the blank. He loves you in spite of that mistake you made yesterday. He loves you in spite of that habit that you're trying desperately to break. He loves. He is love. The last thing I expected God to do was speak to me about my concerns. I hadn't even taken time out to talk to Him this morning. Yet in still, He loved me enough to use that opportunity to speak to me. 

I encourage you to never give up on God. It sounds cliche, but He NEVER gives up on us. He is always there, showering us with undeserved grace, mercy, blessings, and love. This path gets hard. This way of life sometimes feels impossible. But I've found that the easiest way to get through it is to simply walk. Mary Mary was on to something when they made that song. I'm walking, trusting, and believing. 

That's all we can do.

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Surgery

I open my eyes and I'm laying on an operating table. The bright white from the lamp blinds me as I try to look around to see where I am. I look to my right and see a man standing in full scrub gear with knife in hand, ready to cut on me.


I immediately tense up and try to run. But something is holding me down.


"This is what you wanted, isn't it?"


Yeah, it's what I wanted. But no one told me it would hurt like this.


"I tried to protect you. I offered you plenty of anesthesia. But every time the opportunity to take it was given, you ignored it. You chose pain instead."


Tears begin to run down my face. I lay there in my puddle of tears realizing that there is no other way to go through this. I've been given plenty of chances. Now, I just have to trust.


"You're going to have pain. But the sufferings that you feel now will not be comparable to the joy that you will have when I'm done with you."


I cry even more. I cry at the fact that my purpose of rejecting the anesthesia was to keep me from this inevitable pain that I'm still going to end up experiencing. There is no need to think back. There is no sense of dwelling. What is done is done.


"Look at Me. Look forward and focus on Me......."


I look up. But things begin to become unclear.... I can't control it. The tears continue to flow. Just before I loose consciousness, I hear the words again,


"Look forward and focus on Me...."


to be continued.......

More to Come

Wow! This test is ALREADY becoming my testimony. This is crazy..... I'll explain later.


I knew that Sunday was a setup for what was about to happen. How can one hear without a preacher? I received that word and it is already manifesting: 

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy

Praise Break!

Don't have time to write what I want to write! But I just had to give glory to God real quick! He is truly awesome! He keeps on blessing me. He is faithful, full of mercy and grace. And He is sooo worthy to be praised. He is my best friend. He is my redeemer. He is my provider. He is my father. He is my healer! I LOVE HIM!!!

Praise the Lord today. And thank Him for His goodness.
My reasonable response is that I will praise you!

"I live to praise. I praise to live!"

Not by My Power

I see God's undeniable presence in my life. I see Him working. It's crazy (in a good way). It's really kind of freaky actually. When I think about it, I become a ball of gratefulness because I've done nothing to deserve it and I most definitely do not understand it. But I'm pressing on throughout the confusion and thanking Him in the process. I see the open door, I just don't know what's through it. Testimony on the way. Stay tuned....

In the meantime, enjoy my favorite song at the moment: "Already Here" by Brian C. Wilson. Jacks me up every time.

Closed Doors

You know how you hear stories about the things that others are going through and you feel bad for them? But you really don't understand it until it happens to you?

Well, in the matter of 48 hours, I have lost a relationship and my job. Talk about your idea of security being taken from you.

My job laid off people and I was one of them. I was never really worried about that happening to me. Dang. And I'm too calm about it. I dunno. There is this weird peace.

I really think God is telling me that I can not depend on anyone but him. I couldn't depend on my boyfriend to love me unconditionally. I couldn't depend on my job to be the constant source for my life. Sadly, that's what I was doing.

Slowly but surely, all of my faith was in what was seen. It was in my job, my friendships, my relationship, and myself. And all of thee above have let me down.

So, now, painfully, I have to re-direct, reflect, and get back into the perfect will of God because I can't do this by myself. And I KNOW for a fact that God is a merciful God. That's why Jesus died, ya know?

On Sunday, a member of my church was sharing her story with me regarding her past and she told me to, "count it all joy." And that is what I intend to do.

The door that you slammed in my face, the feelings that you threw out the door, I count it all joy because I know that ALL things are working together for my good. And my God's will for me is joy, peace, and love. And I had NONE of those things with you. So, I count it all joy that I now know what I want and do not want in a man and can look forward to having all that I want and more in a relationship.

The door that my job politely closed in my face is a blessing in disguise. I know that God will supply ALL of my needs.

And I know that these closed doors are only set-ups to bring me closer to God. And God knows that this is a longing that I've had. He knows my heart. And He knows how to get my attention. I could be angry and upset. I could wonder why God allowed this to happen. But I know that through my heartaches and pain, I will only draw closer to you Lord. So, thank you. Because all that I need is in you.

So, I thank you for the past 48 hours. I thank you for the closed doors. And I praise your name for the unconditional love that you have for me. The love that NO MAN, not even my momma, can have for me. I love you. And I thank you.

Get Down Girl, Gone 'head!

I've been taking these long pauses in between posts. I was in a funk. I don't want to dwell on it because I am out of it now. I've been delivered! The hard part is staying that way. It's so easy for us to walk back into something after God has redirected our paths and moved the junk. It's like we're attracted to the madness. God knows what's best and says, "No." But we say, "please! yes!" We're like toddlers. You can tell them to stop touching something until you're blue in the face. They will continue to go after what they want until it hurts them or you hurt them first. So, I'm not going to go back. And I know it's not going to be a piece of cake. I have to continually- like every morning- renew my mind. Pray without ceasing, even when I don't feel like it.

I have some awesome news!! Mystery has named me an "Honest Blogger"!! Whoo hoo! Thanks love!!! That really touches me because I really do put myself out on a limb in this here cyber space. If you were to ever take a gander at my posts from the past, you will see all of the ups and downs, heartaches, joy, and pains that I've gone through. And I'm so glad that my pain can be used to help someone else. So thank you, Mystery.

I'm supposed to nominate 7 other blogs that I think are worthy of this award. Click the link to check them out:

Muze:: I love this girl. I promise you, it's like I know her. She is transparent when she writes. Everything about her is beautiful.
Myowne:: She is as honest as it gets. The way she expresses herself, so clearly and effortlessly, draws me in every time. I love her spirit, the fact that she is a woman of God, trying to live this life the right way.
Talulazoeapple:: She always has interesting posts about everything from movies to men to politics to God. And she gives some good advice. =)
Coffee Rhetoric:: She is real and isn't afraid to say what the deal is. I love reading her posts. They're engaging and funny too.
Mystery:: She is very inspirational. And I can feel what she's going through. When she writes about love and being... well, go read it for yourself. ;)
Don:: This guy is something talented. His poetry is awesome. And his posts are always thought provoking. I miss you Don. Where the heck are you?!?
UrbanCurlz:: I read her daily. She is my hair/fashion/everything else dose for the day! I love reading it!!! My roomie and I come home and share tips that we learned only to find out that we both got them from UrbanCurlz. =)
Eb the Celeb:: OK. So this makes 8. Well, I love her too. She says all the things that I want to say. =)

Ok, next I must list (if I can and or dare) at least ten honest things about myself. Soooo here they are:

1. I LOVE kit kat bars. And I like them to be nice and melted so that the chocolate just rolls off of the scrumptious wafer. So, I'll stick it in my back pocket or sit on it before I eat it. ;)
2. I hate failure, which causes hindrances in other areas of my life.
3. I'm self-conscious and conceited all at the same time. lol! What a combination...
4. I'm no where near where I want to be in my relationship with God. But I'm so glad that He hasn't given up on me. Everyday He lets me know that He loves me.
5. I secretly want to get off of one my ministries at church. I know. I know.....
6. I'm defiant when it comes to dealing with authority that isn't job related or family. You do the math....
7. I love my hair! =)

New America

pic by Patrick Moberg

On my way to work this morning, I listened to people discuss ignorant comments that have been made to them and their children. It's only been 2 days! My goodness. After discussing the results of the election with her class, one teacher stood up and politely informed her class that, "Barack is more white than black." Huh?? Another woman called into the show and recounted about how a co-worker came up to her and asked, "Are you happy now?"

Are you serious? People are hilarious. If you encounter any ignorance, simply ignore it. Don't snap back. Don't add fuel to the fire. Just smile and walk away. Let them say whatever. It's not going to change a thing. He's in baby! For the next 4 years!

And this brings me to my next mind spill:

How can anyone NOT see the hand of God in all of this?

Look at his background. He was a little black boy who came from a single family home. They weren't rich at all. His grandparents raised him. Statistically, well, you know what statistics say. He shouldn't be where he is. Yet, he managed to come out on top. This guy attended and completed Occidental College, Columbia University, and Harvard Law School. It's like his entire life has been covered up until and for this time.

This man had the WORLD rallying behind him. Who does that? Who has that kind of power? That kind of swagger? That kind of ability to ignite hope in nations near and far? France, Italy, Japan, Africa, Israel.... You'd think that Mr. Barack Obama was running for President of the world! That is nothing but God.

And I say its nothing but God because we don't have the power or ability to accomplish anything on our own. It is in Him that we have our being. Whether you realize it or not. Whether you believe it or not. And if you didn't know, now you know.

I'm excited to see what's in store. I'm excited about change. I'm excited about my generation becoming involved in this America. It's ours also. We should care. We should know what's going on. We need to be a part of every aspect because this is our Nation. This is our America.

As a black woman, I'm excited that we have such a positive, influential black man leading our country. He loves his wife. He takes care of his family. He is educated. He is articulate. He wears a belt! He defied the odds and did something with his life. This makes me so happy because my siblings have the example right there in their faces. There are no excuses. You can succeed. You are someone. You do matter.

Ok. I think I'm done with my Mr. President posts.... for now.

(pics courtesy of The Huffington Post, Nov 4, 2008)

America

Yes, we did.

The significance of what occurred last night is so great that I still can't quite put my psyche around it. We, America, voted a black man into office. We did it. We actually came together and made a change. Obama represents change. He has inspired so many people. He has given hope to those who never thought that their vote counted. They didn't think that they mattered. But last night, all of that changed.


I had a get together at my house. When the announcement was made, we were happy. We were half asleep though, so the joy didn't quite come out. But we understood the significance. I didn't cry. I didn't leap for joy. I sat there in utter awe.


This morning I picked up the phone and called my grandparents. My grandmother's words will always stick with me. She told me that she literally fell to her knees. Can you imagine how big this is for her? My grandmother was born in 1939 in Montgomery, AL. You do the math. She grew up in one of the most raw, racist, and rural states during that time. She lived through it all. She watched Dr. King march through Alabama. She stood by and watched as her brothers and sisters were abused, oppressed and murdered. She knows what it feels like to go to the back of the bus. She knows how it feels to have to use filthy bathrooms that aren't fit for any human being- simply because of the color of her skin. She cleaned up after people, took care of their children. My grandmother lived through it all and I'm so happy that she is alive today to see Barack Obama become our next President.


But you know something? This isn't about black or white. It's not about rich or poor. It's not about Republican or Democrat. And it's not about Obama or McCain. This is about God. And all glory must go to Him. He is the one who appointed Barack for such a time as this. He is the one that opened those doors. He is the one who is going to deliver us from not only the past 8 years, but from years of oppression and captivity of even our minds. We must remain humble and realize who really did this. We don't want to stay in this wilderness.


Aiight. That's my two cents. =)

A change has come.

I'm A Work in Progress...

I don't understand why the events that have occurred in my life happened. Right now, I don't understand how something that two people mutually wanted to work not work. Did I give up too soon? But things went sour before there was even an "us".

As I pray, worship, and read my Bible, I see now that God is telling me to simply trust Him. I keep coming across Psalms that talk about the security of the godly. I've been asking God if I made the right choice. I've been asking God for His will to be done. And I really believe that He is telling me to trust Him. Don't fret. I am God. God has me where he wants me. I am in complete surrender to Him because no one else can help me. No one has the answers. I don't have the answer. My friends don't have the answers. Only God. So, I'm going to continue to seek Him, praise Him, worship Him, and read His word.

I see now that I got side tracked. I'm not saying that God is the reason that things went haywire, but I do know that God is a jealous God. And when He gets replaced by other things, He can and will remove them.

I need to get to a place where no matter what, I make time for Him. He has to be first in my life. When everything crumbles in my face, I immediately run back to Him. So, why not just keep Him first??? It's so simple, yet so hard for me.

I want God to bless me and give me those things that He has promised me. But I know he can't do that if He doesn't trust me with them. God wants us to understand that all that we have is from Him. Everything that I have and will have is from the Lord.

In my relationships God will be number one. In my house, God will be number one.

God isn't done with me yet. I'm really a work in progress. I've seen the good, bad, and the ugly come out of me. The ugly shocked the heck outta me because I thought I had gotten through it. But since I've been living for God, I hadn't been tested. Boy, did the test come!!! And man did I flunk it! And I see now that I have a lot of crap in me. I have a temper. I don't listen. I get easily offended and immediately go into defense mode. I see the error in me now. Yes, I have some problems. But that's OK. The fact that God woke me up this morning lets me know that He isn't finished with me. And for that, I am truly thankful.

Black Enough?

What makes one person "blacker" than the next? What does it mean to be black? Who started this nonsense about being black enough?

I read an article by Vanessa Grigoriadis entitled, "Black & Blacker". Hmmmm.... Which immediately made me think about Dumb & Dumber. One was dumb. The other one was more dumb. Michelle and Barack. One is black. The other one is more black than the other?

First of all, why is it an issue? The truth of the matter is that Barack is the Democratic nominee for the President of the United States of America. Barack happens to be a black man. But one would argue that, no, he isn't black because his mother is white. It's funny how people's ideologies will completely change to pacify themselves. If he hadn't have actually won the nomination, he would be just another black man- no matter if his mother was white or not- because his father was a black man. An African.

But back to the topic at hand......

Why would you even think to compare the "blackness" of Michelle and Barack. Michelle grew up in the south side of Chicago. Her father struggled to provide for them. And even through his disability, he went to work so that his children could have better lives. She struggled. Barack on the other hand was raised by his mom and grandparents. They lived in Hawaii. Smooth sailing. So, does this makes Michelle more black because she struggled? Is Michelle more black because she grew up in a strong black neighborhood?

Why can't black represent achievement, intelligence, wealth, goals, accomplishments. I'll use myself. I grew up in Alabama. My mom married when I was in elementary school. My step father is in the military, so we moved around a bit. I was exposed to different cultures. I don't really remember struggling. I articulate my words. I say "totally" and "OMG!" Does this make me less "black"? Had I remained in Montgomery, AL, with my mom working three jobs to support us, adapting the slang of the streets, conceiving a child before the age of 17, and not gone to college, would this weigh more on my "black" card? And I use all of that because statistically, those things should have happened to me.

It pains me to see the ignorance of this country. Everyday it is something new. And it's not limited to one racial group. We're all guilty of it in some shape, form, or fashion.

Some of the comments made in that article made me wriggle my noise and scrunch my forehead in utter disbelief and awe. For example:

“The fact that, as a successful black male, Barack did not choose a lighter-skinned woman, as most of them do, sends a message to me,” says a black female supporter at the Pontiac rally.

What kind of message does that send????? So, because Michelle is darker skinned, she is more black? This makes Barack a better man? What does skin tone have to do with anything?? Ignorance.

"See, Barack is the son of an African immigrant, which I like since I adopted me
a country years back, but he’s a Harvard grad, with a white mom and white
grandma.” The lady reaches onto the dash for her purse, and forks over the cash.
“Black as this guy is,” he tells her, “he’s whiter than you!’

Do all white people go to Harvard? What does that mean? Ignorance. Why is it so astounding that this man went to Harvard? Why is it so astounding that someone NOT WHITE can articulate words and form a complete sentence? Ignorance.

Call it what you want. But this nonsense about who is blacker is just that: nonsense. We have to stop it within our own conversations, communities, and culture.

Black doesn't equal poor. Black doesn't equal struggle. Black doesn't equal uneducated. Black doesn't equal unqualified. And until we get that, own that, and live it out, there will continue to be pointless articles written, ignorant comments made, and useless arguments over issues that should be a non-issue.

Confessions of a 25 Year Old Brat

I'm a brat. I know I'm a brat because my father told me all my life. And as I got older and began to date, my boyfriends would tell me. Today, at 25, I have once again been deemed brat.

I'm spoiled.

The tricky part is figuring out where this adjective that I so greatly possess stems from. Let's take it back to the beginning:
* My mom was a single parent up until I was about 9 or 10. However, aunts, uncles, and grandparents raised me.
* Mommy wasn't rich. She worked 3 jobs (no lie) to support us. So, I didn't get everything I wanted.
* But then again, I don't remember going without. Even when the bills weren't paid and we had to get dressed in front of the stove because it was freezing in the house, I thought that was fun and adventurous!!

So, where does this bratty behavior come from?

Case in point: Last night, I got into a discussion with a beau. We had separate views on the situation. I disagreed with him and he with I. Now in the midst of the conversation, I make the comment: "We might as well stop talking about it cuz we're not going to agree."

I didn't really want to stop talking about it! I was just commenting on the fact that we were going to go back and forth all night. So what does beau do? He stops talking. What do I do? I go and curl up on the couch and get into my feelings.

Now, I will admit that I can get boisterous. But when I feel a certain way about something, I FEEL it. I don't talk much. And I don't have strong opinions about much. But when something comes up that I have my mind 100% set on, I defend it to the end. I'm passionate about it. Intense if you will. And that can come off as me getting mad or as said beau so elegantly put it, tripping.

I've always been this way. Should I change it?
(independent, prideful female steps in) No! I don't change for NO ONE!!
(reality steps in) But then again, altering it a bit wouldn't hurt, huh? I need to learn how to disagree without getting so worked up. I get it from my mother. That's why me and her used to bump heads so much. We're just alike.

How does this tie into me being a brat, you ask? See, because I am a brat and like to have my way, I got worked up because he didn't see eye to eye with me. I wasn't mad at him. I just wanted him to see that I was right! lol... And being a brat, when he tried to "break it down" to me, it made me even more strident because I felt that he wasn't listening to me at all.

Sounds like a temper tantrum.

OK. Maybe I'm reading too much into our conversation last night. I'm not as bad as it sounds. Serious. But nonetheless...

Said beau, forgive me for being so intense about the matter. And I will work on my brattitious, spoilicious, unfabulous behavior.

This is It!

I'm sitting in my office looking at asset provider statements, listening to Israel & New Breed (thanks for the CD! ;p) when my co-worker comes and says, "You wanna hear something crazy?" So, of course I say, yes. He always has some wacky, crazy story to tell me early in the AM. His response was scarier than any story that he's ever told me. He said,

"It's almost August."

OMG! Are you kidding me?

Where did this year go?? And what did I do with it? This is the year of new beginnings. What do I have to show for it? What new beginnings have arisen in my life? We are over the half way mark in 2008. In a little over 4 months, this year will be over with. Done. Complete. Finished. Gone. Forever.

I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I've been lolly gagging, kicking my feet, playing around. I can't do it ANOTHER DAY. I declare and decree that today is the LAST DAY that I don't live this life on purpose. Today is the LAST DAY that I don't wake up and seek God's face and realize that my life really does depend on Him.

This is a serious matter. God has a bounty of blessings for me. But I have to tap into Him. I have to seek Him. I have to ask. I have to live right. And I don't mean by not having sex, no drinking, smoking, cursing... I already have that down. But my prayer life and my relationship with Him have to be better. I need to get rid of the distractions in my life that stop me from meditating on the Word. Don't just read it. Meditate on it. Study it until it becomes real to me.

I'm going to get my new beginning and all that in entails. I don't want just a piece of it. I've noticed bits and pieces. My relationships have shifted and transitioned. And I truly believe that it is all God. Work on me Lord. Work on me so that I can be used to bless others around me.

Declaration. This is it.

"Good Good"

As I was perusing blogs this morning, I came across a link to Ashanti's latest track: "Good Good". It is similar to Missy Elliot's ".... Don't Fail Me Now". I must admit, that was my jam in college. I was like 19 years old. I really just liked the beat. The music was hot. Missy's harmonies were on point. And Tweet's strong soprano added that extra umph that the song needed. Now, Ashanti's "Good Good" is no where near Missy's level when it comes to production and vocals. It's a simple song. It echoes the talentless, pointless, crap that runs ramped on radio and TV.

My problem with the song is the message. See, the problem with our youth and young adults today is that we don't know our worth. We don't realize that we are worth more than sex. We don't realize that we are worth more than being someone's "Bust it Baby". We don't realize that skimpy clothes and weave DO NOT make us beautiful. But see, that is what we see on TV every day. That is what we hear on the radio every day. So, teenagers strive to look like the video girls that their favorite artists are lusting after.

And I know this because I used to look at videos and compare myself. I'll never forget how hurt I was when my boyfriend and I were watching the video for "Say My Name". Beyonce did this thing with her hips and he FELL OUT! Up until that point, I was never insecure about myself. I never compared myself to anyone else. I thought I was the ISH! I could never understand why women got mad about their men looking at untouchable celebrities on TV. But my perfect little world came to an end that day. All of a sudden, I noticed the things that they had that I didn't have. And I wanted it.

So, imagine what young ladies are thinking now. Now they must have that GOOD GOOD to keep a man. Sex will make him stay. Sex will make him want me. Sex will make him want to marry me. Are you serious???? Sex is sex. And everything that she says in that song is all wrong! There is always someone better- no matter what the circumstance is. So, saying that your good loving is going to keep him is naive and stupid. And you would think she would grasp this concept- being a grown woman and all.

Let's also talk about how this is promoting sex before marriage. No, I'm no virgin. Yes, I did some things in my day. But thank God that I'm still here to know that everything that glitters isn't gold. There is a problem with our youth and songs like "Good Good" and "Bust it Baby" are contributing factors. Why can't we "Wait Awhile" anymore? And how you gonna take a song about waiting to have sex and turn it into NASTY, DEGRADING, GARBAGE????? And then have the nerve to say (on BET) that God put you in a position to do what you're doing. Nah, son. SATAN put you in that position. Why in the world would God put someone in a position to promote the opposite of His word?? These artists kill me with that.

Anywho... the point of the matter is- Ashanti, your audience ranges from children to adults. You need to be more mindful of the things that you put out. No, you can't control who buys your albums. But you can control the impact that you have. Realize how much influence you actually have and OWN IT. Do something with it. Make a song about empowering young females. Show them that they don't NEED a man. And they definitely don't need sex to keep one. Show them that they are special and that they shouldn't cast their pearls to swine. Teach them to move on when they've been hurt. Not to kill the dude.

Sigh... I digress.

Means of Escape

Men never cease to amaze me. I have natural hair. That means no relaxer. No hot comb. No flat iron. Growing out of my head is the beautiful hair that God so graciously blessed me with. And I rock it proudly. But I've been busy. Extremely busy. And I haven't had time to nurture it like i should. And it's mad. I didn't get in until 3am. And I had to get up in order to be at work at 8am. So, doing my hair was out of the question. I slapped on my trusty wig.

I decided to go to McDonald's. It's Friday. Being a few minutes late won't hurt. So, all in the name of food, I made a sudden left turn into the crowded McDonald's parking lot. The drive-thru was off the chain. Alas, I shall go in. Cool. The inside isn't crowded at all. I'm standing there waiting patiently when I feel the eyes of a man on me. I turn and see a tall, dark, ball headed beautiful thing looking at me. I automatically ignore him.

"What's wrong with you?!?" you ask? Yeah, yeah. Sure, I want Mr. Right to come along. Yes, I enjoy attention from the opposite sex. Who doesn't? But really??? I have this fake wig on top of my head. It didn't even cost me $30. It looks cheap. And any man that is attracted to that can keep on stepping. I could just tell that had I had my nappy hair out in all its glory, that he wouldn't have even noticed me. I don't want a man to like me for something I'm not. Like me for everything that I am.

So, as I'm waiting for my food, I'm looking around McDonald's planning my means of escape. I don't want to walk by this guy. Avoid him at all cost! I finally get my food. LOL! And instead of walking straight out the door that was behind him, I walked through the dining area and around just to get to the same door. There was a woman sitting there watching me like I was nuts. Maybe I am nuts.

If that was Mr. Right, which I highly doubt, we'll run into one another again. And I'll most likely be rocking my own hair. And if he still gives me googly eyes, maybe we can work something out. ;)

America the Racist

CNN has an article entitled: Behind the Scenes: Is Obama black or biracial?

Are they serious? First of all:

Why does it matter? It amazes me how people will find any way to justify to their own ignorant minds that a BLACK man may be the 44th president. The article is debating whether Barack is "mixed" or indeed "black". Clearly, Barack refers to himself as a black man. So, he is a black man. How are you going to have a debate over a grown man's identity? Who is the author of this madness???

If this were 40 years ago, Barack would be labeled as a nigger. Back then, if your great great great grandfather was black, and everyone else was white, you were black. No question about it. One drop of black equaled black. And now that a black man has a strong chance of becoming our next President of the wonderful USA, all of that is thrown out the window.

The article even went on to say that, "He may be the nation's first black president, but he would also be the nation's 44th white president." In what world??????? I just find it laughable that we actually thought there was progress in America.

To me, it has all been a cover up. We are still a bunch of niggers, just better educated now with better laws to help us out. And there are still a bunch of racist, ignorant people out there who can't accept the fact that anyone not "white" can accomplish great things.

(Please click on the underlined link above and read it.)

And the beat goes on...

Friday night was choir rehearsal. Nothing interesting happened. We learned "The Light" by Ricky Dillard. Nice song. I always turned away from it when it came on the radio. But never the less, the song's an awesome song. After practice we went to "The Waffle House". I love that place. Breakfast food is one of my favorites: grits, eggs, bacon, waffles, yum!!!!! And don't forget the coffee. I love that stuff.

I wake up Saturday around 8:45 am. I immediately began cleaning up because I knew my girls were coming over. Plus, my room was a disaster. It's hard keeping your crib clean when you come home late every night. All I do is sleep in my house. I spend my days at work and doing ministry. Wow. I can't believe I just typed that. Last year this time, I was worried about a boy. My life semi-revolved around a selfish, egotistical male. Praise God for a new life!!! Anywho, back to Saturday...

After everyone arrived, we went to Q'dobas. It's just like Chipotle- without the chipotle. Two of us are naturals. I live in a white suburbia area. So, the four of us walk in and these two little girls of the Caucasian persuasion were gawking. It was obvious. G saw them gawking through the window before we walked in. When we finally walked through the door, they had completely turned and were just looking with these smirks on their faces. I gave them a, "is there something on my face?" look. So, we order and sit down. We are enjoying our food when the two children walk by. One of the girls looks at me, then says to her friend, "b*tch". Now, being that I am clearly at least 10 years older than them, and supposed to be letting my light shine, I should have just brushed it off. But this feeling came from the pit of my soul and "whore" escaped from my lips. WOAH! Where did that come from? I felt HORRIBLE!! Clearly I have a lot of growing to do. But I needed that to happen. We can't grow unless we make mistakes and learn from them. Retaliating was not the way to handle the situation. I acted like a child. Shame on me.

So, after we left Q'doba, we went back to the crib and watched my home videos from college. Insert musical cue: "He brought me from a mighty long way!" I cursed worse than my drunken uncle at a family cook out. I couldn't make a simple declarative sentence without $h*t or the MF word. I was so embarrassed. *sigh* We then watched "The Notebook". That movie is so awesome. I want love like "The Notebook".

Allie: "Do you think in another life, I could have been a bird?"
Noah: "What do you mean?"
Allie: "Like reincarnation."
Noah:"I don't know."
Allie: "I think I could. Caw! Caw! Say I'm a bird."
Noah: "No."
Allie: "Say I'm a bird!"
Noah: "You're a bird."
Allie: "Now say you're a bird too."
Noah: "If you're a bird, I'm a bird."

That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard!!!

After the movie, a friend put together the cutest outfit for me to wear to church. I don't know why this girl isn't in the fashion industry. In .5 seconds, she put an outfit together- using MY clothes. That's a huge feat. I've had those same clothes for years and never thought to put them together like that. She's a G.

Sunday was filled with the word, praise, and great music. We have the greatest pastors in the world. Honestly. They are so anointed and blessed. It's awesome. I ended the weekend sitting in the most disgusting place ever: China Buffet. Yuk! The buffet is over priced (which is why I didn't eat). The bathrooms are horrific. I was uncomfortable. But, spending quality time with friends made up for it.

And that's about it.

I'm Not A Racist, However

I'm sick. And I'm mad. I'm disgusted. I'm naive.

I'm sick of ignorant people. I'm mad that people even think like this. I'm disgusted at their thought process. I'm naive because I really thought that we've made progress.

Yesterday I was playing the "Not Working" game. I was on the internet reading blogs and came across this video. The little white woman was on South Beach on Memorial Day weekend. And because of the black kids who were out partying, living it up, drinking, wearing bikini's, and using foul language, she stated that Barack had lost her vote. Watch it for your self....




And then there is the fist bump. Dap. Why is everything that Obama does scrutinized? They are freaking out over a dap!!! WTH?!? They, and yes THEY as in ignorant people, find ANY reason not to vote for the black man. I can't believe I'm even writing this. But it is true. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this. I just had to get my 1 1/2 cents out.

Mysophobic

I suffer from Mysophobia. And its horrible!! Last night I was in church. And it always seems to happen in church on a Wednesday night!!!! So, I got there early. I like to be able to pick out a seat. I really wasn't thinking about the past 50 times that I've been squished and uncomfortable during Bible Study. I couldn't have been thinking because out of all of the available seats in the sanctuary, I pick a middle seat.

It never fails!! Someone either has really loud breath, a cold and is coughing all over me, gas, or a yawning problem!!! Bottom line is that I have a fear of catching germs from strangers.

Yes, I know. I'm a Christian. I'm in church to hear the Word and learn. Yeah, I know. But I still have a right to breathe easy!!!!!

So, last night I walk in running my mouth with a friend. She goes to her usual spot. I like to be up front and center. So, I choose a seat in the third row. Sigh. I get up to go and speak to another friend. I come back and find that I am sitting between two women who are slightly larger than me. Once again I'm squished. Not a problem, though. It's cool.

So, we stand up for praise and worship. And then it hits me. Someone's breath is foul!!! But, I just brush it off and continue praising the Lord. Then, someone lets one go!!!!!!!!!! I'm gagging and thinking, this CAN NOT be happening!!! Not again!

I'm wedged between two people, the air conditioner isn't working, it's hot, someone's breath stinks, the woman next to me kept yawning, and someone has gas. Can you imagine how miserable I was????

LOL!! Every time the person with the unfresh breath said something or every time the other one yawned, I fanned my fan. LOL!! I know its wrong. But I'm seriously a Mysophobic!! Cover your mouth!! Where are your manners?

And my pastor loves to tell you to turn to your neighbor and say stuff. AH!! I so wanted to just get up and sit in the back of the sanctuary. I was so glad when service was over. I just really needed a breath of fresh air. Seriously. I usually stay around and fellowship. I had to get up out of that place. I don't think I've ever gotten home from Bible Study so early. And next Wednesday, trust I will sit my little phobic tale on an end seat.

Man Qualifications:

So, I was watching the Flavor of Love 3 Reunion yesterday. I was truly disgusted. Flava Flav represents everything that I DETEST in a man. All of the qualities in a man that make me sick to my stomach, everything that I've dealt with, and all of the backwards ideologies and notions make up Flava Flav.

In my experiences with men, I've found that the majority of them have the same dumb, macho, stupid idea about how to treat a woman. They are backwards and hypocritical.

Men expect a woman to lay everything out on the line. She has to put her heart out there. She can't be involved with anyone else- at least 2 years prior to him talking to her. She has to be a 10! She can't ask questions that pry into his personal life or touch on the subject of what he is doing when he isn't with her. Everything that needs to be put out there is off limits. But if a woman acts this way, she is, well... you know.

So here is a list of qualities that my man MUST have:

1. No kids. Sounds harsh, I know. But I've had my experience with the guy with a child. Not happening EVER again. Especially if the child is under 10 years old.
2. No ex within the past year. Men like to act all hard. But they are the most sensitive and weak creatures when it comes to the ex. Especially if he loved her. If you still talk to your ex or have to communicate with her for some reason and you've only been a part for less than three years, you can walk on by. I'm not dealing with it.
3. Good credit report. I need to see a print out of your credit report. Seriously. And if you can't do that, you need to demonstrate to me that you can handle your finances in a responsible manner. If I have to help you get a cell phone, then walk on by. If you have a decent job, making more than me, and still can't make ends meet, then walk on by. And this would be for dumb reasons like: spending all your money on clubbing. Which brings me to my next topic:
4. No clubbing or drinking. The lifestyle that I live is an inebriated free, no clubbing lifestyle. As a man thinketh, so is he. If he spends his time in the club, chasing after half-naked women, then I don't want him. His world is different from mine. He finds comfort in that type of environment. I've been delivered from that and we definitely aren't going to see eye to eye on anything.
5. Devout Christian. This should have been number one. I know. Being a Christian and living for Christ is a decision that I make daily. I choose not to drink. I choose not to club. I choose not to have sex. I choose to pay my tithes. I choose to do ministry. I choose to spend my free time helping out the Kingdom of God. I choose to get up on Sundays and drive to church. I choose to go to choir rehearsal on a Friday night instead of who knows what. If he isn't in church, then he won't understand. And we will not work.

I'm hungry now... But I will add to this list later....