Walk Away

It's been two months since I've written anything. And I think its because I was afraid of what came out of me when I sat down and began to type. I was reading over my last entry. I've actually made up with the friend that I called "my ace." She crossed my mind and I sent her a text message. We ended up on the phone the next day and talked for three hours straight. And it's funny how things work out, because she ended up being there for me when I made the decision to leave the guy that I was dating.

Read through my blog, and I'm sure you'll get plenty of background info on him. So, no need to go into all the details. But I did something that I've never had the strength or courage to do. I simply walked away.

Women. We tend to stay in situations, knowing that they're not good for us. They're actually unhealthy! But we want to stick it out. Things will change! It will get better! If I just do this, then he'll come around! If I give him what he wants.... blah blah blah

I am guilty of it. I'm guilty of putting myself in a situation where the man didn't respect me. He didn't want to be with me. He wasn't even over his ex. And I allowed him to treat me how he wanted to treat me. He was quick to tell me about myself, without stopping to look at himself. He was quick to compare me to other women- especially his ex. There was no satisfying him. And when I was told that I was a conflict of interest, I had to get out. That was the last straw.

Don't ever allow anyone to tell you that you are a conflict of interest in any type of way. Don't settle for BS. And definitely don't fret over what will happen once you put your foot down.

When I told my friends about what happened, some of them immediately began to ask me about other guys. They would say, "well, what about the guy you met last month?" or "what about the guy who lives up the street from you?" I don't have a problem with being single. And moving on to someone else isn't going to solve anything. My problem is the fact that the relationship that I had with this person did not work out. But I'll get over that small factor. I'm actually looking forward to my time alone. I think its needed. I'm never selfish. I always think about everyone else's feelings. So, its high time that I focus on me, not to mention my relationship with God. Yes, it seems to be an ongoing thing. I go back and forth.

I put God on the back burner when I was dating this guy. My Sundays ended up being spent with him. And its not the guy's fault. It's mine. I did it. And after all was said and done with the guy, I shamefully went to God with my head bowed and asked him for forgiveness, help, and peace. I felt like God was punishing me; like he wasn't listening. But you see, I wasn't listening. Last night I opened my Bible. And honestly, I did it full of doubt. I didn't think that I would get any answers by simply opening my Bible. But guess what I found?

Psalm 77- The person is in despair and calls on the Lord, feeling though that He is ignoring him. But he then begins to meditate on all of the wonderful things that the Lord has done for him and remembers that God's love is unfailing.

I then turned a few pages and landed on this: Philippians 4:4-7 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Now, if that's not God speaking to me, then I really don't know what is. He told me. Don't be troubled. Don't feel anxious about the outcome of the situation. I've got you. Give it all to me in prayer and I will give you peace beyond your understanding.

I questioned whether I did the right thing. Now I know.

Walk Away

It seems to me that this is the season for changes, whether they be good or bad. I've noticed that people around me, including myself, are going through situations in relationships. Not just between a man and a woman, but between friends. Is it something in the air?? Over the past year, I have fallen out with four people who are extremely dear to me. Four people in one year. That is a lot. One- an ex- just recently asked me to be his friend on the Lamebook. We exchanged a few messages. But our relationship will never be the way it was. My roll dog. My nigga. My ace. We stopped communicating all together last year. And I will take some fault in the situation. I did blow up and hang the phone up in her face. I gave it some weeks and called and apologized. But I guess the damage had been done because I never heard a word from her. Birthdays and holidays have since come and passed and the two of us have not uttered a hello over the phone or dared to send a text.

The situation at hand that caused this blog happened over Memorial Day Weekend. I won't go into all the specifics because I really don't feel like typing that much. But I will say that I hate that things had to come to that. And my friends know that I am an extremely open hearted, emotional, caring friend. I hate to have conflict. I hate to have ill feelings or any type of tension. But I felt like I had done all I could do. When you've done all you can and are still misunderstood, what do you do? I walked away. I was insulted in a way that I have never been insulted before. I was accused of putting them to the wayside. I was accused of not being there for my friend when they KNOW that the LAST thing in this world that I wanted was to NOT be there for her. If I could, I would go down there for every single event in their lives. But I can't. I'm not rich. I'm barely supporting myself up here. And when I see a chance for us to be together and you throw it in my face???? That is unacceptable. When I am trying to do all I can for both sides and you throw it in my face???? When I went back in forth in my mind trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get to her graduation party and ultimately had to come to the conclusion that I just couldn't do it- and you throw it in my face????

Then there is nothing else to say. There is nothing left to do. It's OK. When you've done all you can do and are still misunderstood, you just walk away. And that's just what I did.

Nonexistent

emotions.
i try not to be ruled by my emotions
these feelings that overcome me and send me
into an abyss of overwhelming thoughts

gut feelings.
my women's intuition kicks in and
i can't fight the feelings
i can't shake them
i want to ask questions
i want to know if what i'm sensing is
the truth

is my living in vain?
am i nonexistent to you
in the sense that i want to exist to you?
am i your scapegoat?
am i carrying you on my shoulder while you decide
what you really want

i'm not pressuring.
i am however a woman with
feelings. emotions. gut feelings.
i don't want to be hurt

the shit has hit the fan.
i don't want to jump into a relationship
but
a relationship is what we have
i want you to acknowledge what is in front of you
i want you to see
the present
and not
the past

and until you can do that
i am the one who is in fact
nonexistent