Let Me Explain

I just like this pic...

My open letter to my ex was out of the blue. I rarely openly talk about him on here. If I do talk about our relationship, it's in code, wrapped up in the things that God is doing and showing me in the process.

I must say that I was completely caught off guard by his unexpected appearance in my life.

I see the ex at least twice a week. We belong to the same church. However, there are no words spoken between us. We pass one another without uttering a single word. He is invisible to me and I to him. Well, it was that way until last Tuesday.

Tuesday morning, I was sitting at my desk enjoying a salmon and cream cheese bagel. I realized that I hadn't looked at my phone since I got to work. So, I grabbed my phone from my purse. I had email. I go to the email folder and see his name. My stomach immediately turned and I almost lost my salmon and cream cheese bagel. Chewing my delectable bagel turned into a chore in a matter of seconds. I had to concentrate to finish chewing the remainder of bagel that was in my mouth while trying to keep what I had swallowed from coming back up. I open the email to find that he is asking me if I want my heating pad back.

Really? 

I didn't respond right away. I actually let it sit for a couple of hours. I put my phone down and prayed.  God, is he serious? Around 1 or 2 pm, I respond. I told him that he could keep it. I'd just buy another one. He then replies and asks me if I want my half of the portraits that we'd taken in Williamsburg with his family.

You know I want those pictures. 

So, of course I reply that I do. He then responds, telling me that he would "get them to me." I figured he would give them to his sister, seeing as though me and her hang out. I then get an email asking me if I'm busy that night.

Long story short, he comes and drops off my pics and the heating pad. He hugs me. We squeezed each other for what felt like 5 minutes. He then left.

Okay. 

I go inside and open the envelope. Not only did he give me my half of the pictures, but he returned a picture that I gave to him, my college graduation picture. He also included a letter. I read the letter and am instantly pissed off. The letter lists all of the things that he did for me; all of the things that he feels I didn't notice. He goes on to say that he felt unappreciated so he decided to remove himself.

Blank stare.

Earlier that day, I prayed and asked God to open my eyes, to give me wisdom and true understanding of what was really going on. Instead of feeling remorseful or sad, I became angry. I calmly folded the letter back up and put it, along with the pictures from Williamsburg and my graduation picture in the envelope. I then sealed it and stuck it out of sight.

About an hour later, I receive a text message from him. This turns into a dialogue about how I didn't agree with how he chose to end our relationship based on a conclusion that he made off of MY feelings without discussing MY feelings with me. I felt that it was a cop out and a cowardly thing to do. If you're unhappy, just say so. But don't try to put it on me. This continues on to Wednesday. I finally told him that I really didn't care to understand his reasons because the type of conversation that he was trying to have is something that he should've done BEFORE he broke up with me. I told him that he made it clear to me on numerous occasions that it was over: gave me my graduation pic back, wrote that letter, and...um... broke up with me.

He then responds, explaining each reason- as if to say that his intentions were not to solidify our break up.

Honestly, I knew that if I carried the texting, him and I would've ended up meeting to talk. We would say that we understood one another, we would talk about how we could improve, and then we would give it another go. I know this because it's been that way for the past 2 years.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that our relationship has been an endless cycle. 

But I just can't do it anymore. It KILLED me to not respond to his last text. It KILLED me to keep moving forward with my life. Since last Tuesday, I have had to pray for strength to get through. This thing isn't easy. I love him. He is all I've known for the past two years. But it comes to a point when enough is enough.

I'm tired of him coming in and out of my life. I'm tired of him manipulating me. If he felt like he had made a mistake, or wanted to talk about what happened, then that's all he had to say. But instead, I get text messages about how beautiful I looked in the pictures, about how he wanted to grab me, kiss me, and hold me when he saw me. Do you know how confusing that is? I haven't heard from you in almost a month! And now, I get this? What am I supposed to do with that? My mind starts wondering: does he want me back? is he just lonely? is he just letting me know what's on his mind? are we going to get back together? You can't play with my emotions like that.

No more. I can't renig on all of the wonderful things that God has revealed to me since our break-up. I can't forget how God has spoken directly to me during this process. I can't ignore His presence in my life. One of my favorite songs says, " when my friend walked out, You stepped right in." And this is the case. As soon as the ex walked away, God boldly and blatantly stepped in.

To add to this, others have noticed God's glory in me. One person said that it looks like a weight has been lifted off of me. Wow.

I love that boy. If I had my way, he and I would be happy, in love, building the rest of our lives together. However, God has other plans for my life. He is doing it. I was so wrapped up in my ex. I was an add-on to his life. My plans were becoming contingent upon my ex's. God told me that He has plans for my own life. He has things for me to accomplish. I have Kingdom work to do. Guess what? I accept it whole heartedly. 

Does it hurt? Yes. Who said that doing the will of God would be easy? Do I fight the urge to text the ex, email the ex, and call the ex? Every day. Does thinking about him being with another woman make me want to throw up? Without a doubt.

But I trust God. I trust His process. When I asked for God's will to be done, I knew that my world would be turned upside down. But in the end, what's best for me is what will be. And because I trust in Him, I will not be ashamed. Psalm 25:20.