Walk Away

It seems to me that this is the season for changes, whether they be good or bad. I've noticed that people around me, including myself, are going through situations in relationships. Not just between a man and a woman, but between friends. Is it something in the air?? Over the past year, I have fallen out with four people who are extremely dear to me. Four people in one year. That is a lot. One- an ex- just recently asked me to be his friend on the Lamebook. We exchanged a few messages. But our relationship will never be the way it was. My roll dog. My nigga. My ace. We stopped communicating all together last year. And I will take some fault in the situation. I did blow up and hang the phone up in her face. I gave it some weeks and called and apologized. But I guess the damage had been done because I never heard a word from her. Birthdays and holidays have since come and passed and the two of us have not uttered a hello over the phone or dared to send a text.

The situation at hand that caused this blog happened over Memorial Day Weekend. I won't go into all the specifics because I really don't feel like typing that much. But I will say that I hate that things had to come to that. And my friends know that I am an extremely open hearted, emotional, caring friend. I hate to have conflict. I hate to have ill feelings or any type of tension. But I felt like I had done all I could do. When you've done all you can and are still misunderstood, what do you do? I walked away. I was insulted in a way that I have never been insulted before. I was accused of putting them to the wayside. I was accused of not being there for my friend when they KNOW that the LAST thing in this world that I wanted was to NOT be there for her. If I could, I would go down there for every single event in their lives. But I can't. I'm not rich. I'm barely supporting myself up here. And when I see a chance for us to be together and you throw it in my face???? That is unacceptable. When I am trying to do all I can for both sides and you throw it in my face???? When I went back in forth in my mind trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get to her graduation party and ultimately had to come to the conclusion that I just couldn't do it- and you throw it in my face????

Then there is nothing else to say. There is nothing left to do. It's OK. When you've done all you can do and are still misunderstood, you just walk away. And that's just what I did.

Nonexistent

emotions.
i try not to be ruled by my emotions
these feelings that overcome me and send me
into an abyss of overwhelming thoughts

gut feelings.
my women's intuition kicks in and
i can't fight the feelings
i can't shake them
i want to ask questions
i want to know if what i'm sensing is
the truth

is my living in vain?
am i nonexistent to you
in the sense that i want to exist to you?
am i your scapegoat?
am i carrying you on my shoulder while you decide
what you really want

i'm not pressuring.
i am however a woman with
feelings. emotions. gut feelings.
i don't want to be hurt

the shit has hit the fan.
i don't want to jump into a relationship
but
a relationship is what we have
i want you to acknowledge what is in front of you
i want you to see
the present
and not
the past

and until you can do that
i am the one who is in fact
nonexistent

End of Discussion

ok. im just going to stop. i like the man. and thats that.