In Between the Promise and the Blessing

I don't know where to begin! It's been a couple of days since I posted something meaningful on here. The past few weeks have been hard for me. I'm growing more and more in the Lord. And with that comes pain. Growing pains are no joke. Who ever coined the phrase, "no pain, no gain" knew what they were talking about.

The latest principle that God is teaching me is the element of waiting. Remember how it felt when you asked your parents for something and their response was, "just wait"? Last Wednesday, I had a temper tantrum. I briefly touched on this in my "Thankful Friday."

The tantrum started with an email from my ex's mother. We are going on a trip this weekend and she wrote to ask me if I wanted to stay the night with her so that we could ride together. That email opened up the flood gates of emotions. Things that I thought I had dealt with surfaced. Issues that I had buried rose from their graves. By Wednesday night, I was two steps from losing it. I just wanted to get out of church. Friends were walking up to me to speak. I was smiling on the outside. But on the inside, I just wanted to scream. I was two seconds from bursting into tears. 

When church was over, I ran out of there. When I got in my car, the flood gates opened. I thought about calling my friend to vent. But it was too late. I just opened my mouth and begin to cry out to God. I screamed, waled, cried, and even banged on my steering wheel a few times.

I was tired. Weary. Frustrated. Confused. Angry.

When will all of this be over? God, I know what you told me! I know what you promised me! How long do I have to go through this? I'm tired of this! I'm tired of my life going this way! I'm almost 28 and I am in the same place I was 4 years ago! I'm tired of hurting! Where are you?

Those emotions hovered over me the rest of the week and up until this morning. As a result, I completely removed myself from the outside world. When I start to feel crazy, I usually detract myself and go into hiding. I just need time alone with my thoughts and the Lord.

My world has been turned completely upside down. I've stated before how I've lost friendships and a relationship. Every since I could remember, I've been surrounded by a group of friends. This year, my circle has eerily diminished to two. It's an awkward feeling to wake up one day and find that those that you called your friends saw you as the enemy. It's hard to blink your eyes and see the man that you considered marrying become a stranger.

Last night, I was listening to Dr. Charles Stanley and he talked about adversity. He talked about how adversity can either be a burden or a bridge. I had allowed adversity to be a burden. I was frustrated, questioning God, and not walking in faith. 

I felt like I was stuck in between the promise and the blessing. 

This morning as I was riding to work, I did my usual: read my daily devotional. I honestly don't remember what the devotional was about. It had nothing to do with adversity and it had nothing to do with what's been on my heart. Anywho, I began to look up scriptures in my Bible. As God does, He began to lead me through the Word. I stopped at Deuteronomy 31. In this chapter, Moses had told Joshua that he could no longer journey with Joshua and the children of Israel. He told Joshua that he would encounter enemies. However, the Lord would go over BEFORE Joshua and destroy those nations and Joshua would possess those nations. Moses told Joshua that: 

"the Lord shall give them (the enemy) up before your face"

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; He will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

You see, God's plan was to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt (bondage) to the promised land.  The journey wasn't easy. They were punished by Pharaoh before he finally let them go. Once they left Egypt, they were on the run because Pharaoh and his army were trying to kill them. They didn't have the same "luxuries" that they had when they were in Egypt. They were in between their promise and the blessing. To the children of Israel, it appeared that they were going through trial after trial. But God's plan from the beginning was to take them out of bondage to the promised land. He already knew that they would encounter these hardships. It was all necessary for God to show His glory and to get the children to their destination. Every battle that they came to, God led them to it. However, He went before them every single time, defeating the enemy. All they had to do was trust God.

This morning, God showed me that the adversity that I'm facing right now is on purpose. God has led me to this place. This "wilderness" that I'm experiencing is only to grow me up. It's meant to bring me into a closer relationship with Him. It's also necessary to get to where God is taking me. 

God is sovereign, in the good and the bad, and He is walking with me and before me. He has led me to this place and he will not forsake me. The plans that He has for me are GOOD (Jeremiah 29:11) in order to prosper me and to do His work.

This all seemed crazy to me. I now understand that it has to be this way. His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are higher than ours. (Isaiah 55: 8-9) I'm going to trust God. I'm going to stop doubting, stop questioning, and trust Him. Knowing that He has allowed all of this, in his perfect sovereignty, makes it easier to fall into his arms and allow Him to have His way. 

At the end of this journey are the promises that He has promised me.

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