If Home is Where the Heart is, then I Need to be in Alabama....

I'm reading "Dreams From My Father" by Barack Obama. I've been reading it since last Christmas. I started it and then put it down. Now, I'm back on it. For some reason, its hard for me to get through it. I dunno if its because he talks about politics or what. I was good when he was talking about growing up. But when he moves to Chicago, he looses me. The paragraphs are soooo loooonnnggg. But then, it picks up again. And then I'm ok. I'm taking a break right now. I can only take so much of that book all at once. But for some reason, the book does make me think....

I am haunted by my past. I'm haunted by a world that I knew for almost 5 years. 5 years may not seem like a long time to someone who has lived in the same place their entire life. But it is to me. Those 5 years were the years in which I came into my own as me. You see what I'm saying? I am who I am because of that place. And I think I'm haunted by it because I uprooted myself so quickly. One day I was there, surrounded by all of the things that I had known. And literally, the next day all of it was gone. And I really think its had a toll on me. I'm a bit jealous of everyone who is still there. They're continuing their lives. They are happy. They are surrounded by the people who love them and those they love. And don't get me wrong. I love my family. I love my mom, dad and brother and sisters. But they weren't around for ANY of those five years. They never came to visit. My mom rarely called me. And I only went home for Christmas. And that time was miserable for me. (Not to mention that the rest of my fam is also back in AL.....)

My family became my girls. We grew together and took care of one another. If any of us needed a thing, we were there. And its not merely a 'wanting to go and hang with my friends' again type thing. Those people really became my family. And I know this because I have gone through so much and they were there. They've always been there. I hardly ever called home. I did fine without my "blood" family all that time, why should I have to come and be with them now? I'm sad. I'm lonely. They say that college is just a phase in your life. And that the chapter is closed and that its time to move on. But you don't move on from people who are closer to you than your own mom or dad. It sounds harsh, but its the truth. I can't fully explain it all. It would take mountains of paragraphs. All I can say is that I wanna go back to my family. Home is where the heart is. And mine is definitely not here....