Just a lil bit

Where do I begin? Well, Brandy and Montre's death really got to me. I found myself thinking about the people who I have cut off. I then told myself that I was gonna email all of them. So, I started this mass email about how I wanted to just say hi and see if they were ok and blah blah blah because tomorrow is not promised. Well, it quickly turned personal. If you've been keeping up, then you know to whom the email turned out going. Yeah. I sent it. And I didn't feel dumb about doing either. I just hope he doesn't think its about him. Cuz its not. It's about me. I just needed to do it for myself, ya know?

I had a phone interview today. Please pray that I get this job!! I want to leave my current employer SOOO bad!!!!

That's all I have to say.

My DP, my soRHOr, my Kim is moving to the area! I'm excited as hell. I can't wait!!!!! :p

Death. Questions. Please, no answers....

I've never been happier to NOT be in TUSCALOOSA, AL than I am now. There is just too much going on down there. Barely a month ago, we lost Nikki. I wake up Saturday afternoon, turn on my phone, and receive a text that says, "Life is SO precious... Montre' Walker passed this morning." WTF?!? I immediately call my friend to find out what the hell was going on. He was shot, by accident. I'm so tired of hearing bad news come out of that place. And he was such a kind hearted person. Everyone is in shambles. I couldn't bear to be around it all. I don't even want to go on the LameBook. Everyone has his picture up. It's so damn sad. I'm tired of being sad. I wanna be happy. I will pray for his family and those truly grieving over him. I sound selfish, I know, but I'm glad that I didn't know him that well. I couldn't bear it. My heart goes out to all of you who were close to him or were touched by him in one way or another.....

Every time something like this happens, I'm always reminded of how truly blessed me and my friends are. We do DUMB shit all the time!! And I say this because, as the story goes, Montre' was with some frat and I guess they were doing something with guns. I don't know how, but the gun went off and he was killed.

I can count 2 occasions where a certain person (who was in my life at the time) would point his rifle at me, in a playful manner. Accidents happen. I've driven drunk. I've walked around outside with my friends intoxicated, high, you name it. Yeah, we were off the chain. And I'm not proud of it. Only by God's grace did we not end up in jail, kidnapped, or in a ditch some where. *sigh* I don't want to dwell on it. We're still here. And I thank God for that. I don't understand death. I don't understand everything that God does. And I'm not going to try to figure it out. It's too much for my psyche to grasp. I'm not going to ask why I'm still here and Nikki, Leisha, and Montre aren't. That goes into something that is far beyond me. We're all so young. We have so much more living to do. *sigh* I can't write anymore.....

Random Rants

I'm a music freak. I like all types of music and am always down to expand my range when it comes to genres. I'm no where near where I'd like to be as far as music is concerned... But that's not my point. My friend Damian told me MONTHS ago to cop Corinne Bailey Rae's album. I would always go in Target and look at it. I've even picked it up and walked around Target with it a few times, only to put it back on the shelf. Well, the other day, something told me to go ahead and get it. Wow. I absolutely love it. I was scared because of her debut song, you know, "Girl put your records on..." was sooo freaking happy, bubbly and kinda cheesy. I don't do any of thee above. But man, her voice is beautiful. And the songs are anything but the forbidden three, except for that one.... I love breathless. That song makes me smile. And "Till It Happens To You". That one is hot. I actually have that one on my Myspace. I can't wait to hear more from this lady.....

I'm excited about Dreamgirls. However my obsession with B is slowly AND surely fading away. Hm, the humble act is starting to crumble to me......

Ok. Why is it that everyone in the world seems to see these qualities in you, but the person that you actually WANT to see those qualities doesn't? When it comes out that I am single, I get a look of shock and terror and, "You don't have a boyfriend?!?!!? But you're so pretty and smart!" I promise if I hear that one more time, I'm gonna scream. That makes me feel worse. And its been happening a lot lately. I dunno...
I'm not complaining about being single. Not at all. I've met some really cool people that I probably would have never gone out with if I was in a relationship. But still. I dunno......

I've been in VA for over 6 months now. In May, I thought that I would be back in Alabama by now. I'm getting too comfortable here. This could be a problem...

Hastiness Cost me $200

I haven't written in a minute. I haven't been inspired to write anything. Perhaps something will come from me sitting down at the computer and just typing. Well, I did do something STUPID as HELL this weekend.

I got this habit from my friend (shout out to Toni) of talking on my cell in the shower. I guess I'm more impatient than I thought. When I want to do something, I want to do it then and there. So, my phone rang and I picked it up and talked on it while I was in the shower. Not the smartest move in the world. This I know. I've done it before without a problem. So, I get off the phone and get out of the shower. I pick up my phone and it has turned off. I try to turn it back on, and it won't. I finally get it back on, but the key pad doesn't work. This goes on the rest of the night. I finally realize that my phone is dead.

I wake up the next morning and go straight to T-mobile. I can't go without my phone. I have no insurance on my phone, am not eligible for an upgrade, and don't want to get another two year contract, so the guy walks me down to this little cell phone booth place to buy an unlocked phone. I do. I get a Motorola L6.
I hate it. I'm sitting in the house sick to my stomach about spending money on this phone. I then realize that my phone is not a year old yet and call T-Mobile. They tell me that they can send me a new one. CRAP! What am I gonna do with this L6 that I just bought? So I go back to the mall to take it back... no refunds. Shit.

I go home, mad as hell. So I put the phone on EBay to try and sell it. Later on that night, I go upstairs. I go in my room and the phone that is supposedly dead says, "insert SIM card". I do, and the bitch turns the fcuk on!!!! Now I have three freaking phones and am out 200 bucks!! WTF?!?!?
Moral to the story: Don't be hasty.

Celebrity Look-Alikes...

this is obviously ALL WRONG!

http://www.myheritage.com

Kramer Calls Us Niggers.... but he's not racist.... And OJ is Psycho

In keeping with men doing dumb-ass things: The dude who played Kramer on Seinfeld, Michael Richards, apparently got mad during a stand up show because two guys were talking during his skit and began to scream out racial slurs. He called them niggers and then went on to say that 50 years ago, we would have had you f**** bent over with a fork up your ass...."

WTF?!? There is ABSOLUTELY NO justification for what was said by him. Those men could have gotten up and began to sing the damn theme from the Titanic in the middle of his act. That gives him no right to disrespect those men and the rest of us the way he did.

Watch the clip:




He then later apologizes and says that he was just mad that they were talking. He said he got frustrated and that he is not a racist. That's some bullshit. If it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, then it must be a duck. If you're not racist, why would words like that come out of your mouth just because you got frustrated?? Hell, ask them to leave. Jank on them like other comedians do. But you don't go and say some shit like that.



And as I stated previously, being dumb does not discriminate. OJ Simpson's dumb ass wrote a book called "If I Did It". WTF?!??!?! You got off for the murder of the mother of your children. That ish happened 12 years ago. Why would you write a book called, "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened". Are you serious?????? I wish I could sit him down and interview him. Cuz I just really don't understand. That is some sick shit. Why even think of something like that. And screw publicity stunt. Thats is just sick and psycho. Dumb MuthaFcuker......

Who the Hell Am I?

Yesterday I was upset. And I can't really pin point why. The day started off bad. I get to work, and the vibe is bad. Towards the end of the day, my boss pisses me off to the point that I am shaking. I ended up staying at work and extra hour and then when I do get off, I get outside and my car wont start because someone left my lights on. I say it was my friend. She says it was me. I had to get a jump. So the car starts working. I come home and have a message from someone on the Lamebook. (don't ask me who, cuz its not important.) Just know that it added to the madness. My heart felt so heavy. The many deaths that have occurred this year were also on my mind. All of this was mixed up in my mind. I called my friend and I told her how heavy my heart was.

And I then began to cry.

I sobbed on the phone. And she just listened. Like a friend is supposed to do. It was the next best thing to crying on her shoulders since we live 12 hours apart...

I then realized how much I'm beginning to learn about myself. Prior to moving up here, I thought that I was OK with change. I always thought that i was the type of person who accepted and needed change. I see now that I was wrong. The uncertainty of life scares the hell out of me. I remember saying (in between sobs) how I wanted to go back to college where everything was laid out.

Being out of Alabama and the element that I lived in for almost 5 years has really allowed me to focus on me. I react to stimuli. I react to the things that bother me or force me to stop and take a look at myself. Its a scary thing when you think you know yourself, and come to find out that you have no clue who that person was 2 years ago.

God is doing some major renovations within my life right now. I can't wait for the finished product.....

Crazy Dreams Again..........

I'm dreaming again. They had honestly stopped. I guess since I didn't have to go to work and got to sleep past 6, my mind started wondering in my sleep. All I remember right now is that my co worker got off of work at twelve and because I didn't have to work, I told her that I would go over to her place when she got off. So, she gets off and me and her are walking to her house. And its a hike too! I have on house shoes because I always wear my house shoes to her house. Well, when we get there, I realize that I don't have my car and that I walked!! So I tell her to call her boyfriend to come get me and take me back home because I don't want to walk all the way to get my car. He is at work, so I have to walk home.

So I begin my long journey home. On the way, I get a little lost. But the neighborhood that I am walking through is soo familiar. It's my grandmother's neighborhood in Montgomery, AL. It's dark so I just want to get home. I cut across this one yard, and there are people watching a movie or something. They are college students. I tried to cut across another, but it was full of boys from UA and I looked a HOT MESS (house shoes, scarf on my head) so I didn't want to go. So I find this other yard to cut across. It has BARB wire all around it and I try to climb over it. My shoe get stuck! I am HANGING from the fence. (by the way, all of a sudden I have on white sneakers.....) I finally get free from the barb wire and suck it up and walk through the house with all the guys from UA (my Alma mater). When I get in there, I tried to walk quickly and hold my head down so that no one would notice me. But sure enough I get noticed. This guy named Mario that I haven't seen in 2 YEARS grabs me. We start talking and I am elated to see him. I then look at his hat. He has random pictures of people on it and I see my ex. I started looking at his shirt crazy and he was like, "whats wrong with you?" And before I could say, I turn and my ex is there, in the flesh. He is trying to say hi. He wasn't fat. He didn't look all old. And I think he was taller. It was weird.

So, I turn to him and I give him a hug. This part is fuzzy. We're talking and then he kisses me. Then, this fast, ghetto looking black girl comes up, grabs him and says. "you ready? lets do this.." They then proceed to go into a room. I looked at him and say, "You ain't got no girlfriend?" He replies, "I have my dogs." They then disappear into the room. CRAZINESS!!!! I continue my journey.

All of a sudden, I am in this neighborhood. I guess I made it home. No, I'm at a hamburger place, with the Ex. He orders his food and then I order mine. I told him that I needed a shelf for my room and he was like, "I can make you a shelf." So, that's why we were together, cuz he was gonna make me a shelf.
We get to a house, and we walk in and my friends Tiandra and someone else, maybe Tracey, are sitting at a table. We had our arms around one another, or were flirting when we walked in. He then stopped because he saw them. (At least I thought that was why.) We say a few words to them, and they have that "ummmm hmmm" look on their faces- like, I know what yall were doing....

Then, at the second table, who is sitting there? His girlfriend's friends! I just kinda stood back because I thought they had broken up. Remember, when I asked him he said, "I have my dogs." So he had words with them. They were whispering stuff that I couldn't hear. And then he left.

Next thing I know, I'm in the house alone, replaying in my head all that happened. It was so weird. But the dream doesn't end here. I'm in my house, and I look out the window and see this sigma named Joel in the next house. It was the house that me and the ex walked into when we saw my friends and his girl friend's friends. Joel was getting out the shower. And I thought it was weird because he was living with the ex's girlfriend.

Next thing, I'm with my friends. I don't remember why they had come. But they are there. The last thing that I remember happening is that Marcia gave me this number to call. I called it and I just started talking to the girl. Turns out that the girl is another girl named Tasha (who I don't like too much). I got off the phone, and I asked her what the point of that was. She just thought it was funny.... We then pulled up to Quail Valley and I woke up....

WHAT THE HELL?!?!? Any dream interpreters out there?!?!?

To Nikki

I've been MIA for a minute. But I'm back in action. Man, so many things have happened to me over the past week. Its so crazy. And they are all lessons learned. I have so far to go. You can never stop learning about life.
Do you ever stop and realize how blessed you are? I don't do it as often as I should. It doesn't occur to me until something tragic happens that makes me stop and think.

A student that I attended school with died over the weekend. The news of death is always shocking. But this one hit hard. And its because she was such a beautiful, lively, joyful, optimistic, giving person. She was so sweet. And it hurts me to no end to know that her family and close friends have to go through such a loss. Me and her weren't that close, but I feel the impact. And she had such a huge impact on everyone that she met. I used to look in my phone at this picture that I took of us in January and wonder how she was doing. Now I look at that picture and wish that I could CALL and see how she's doing. Please. Don't take life for granted. Don't take friendships and family for granted. Please. They are so precious. Tell the people you love that you love them. Make time for family! Don't reschedule. We don't know when God will decide to take us home. So, cherish the time that you have now. 10 months ago, had you told any of us that we would loose her, man.......

I think back to the times that she called to have lunch, and I was busy and would always reschedule. And now, I regret it. Life is crazy. Nikki, I'm so grateful to have had the chance to meet you. You touched me in January with your passion and compassion. I'll always remember that night you, me, eddie, and mike walked our dumb asses to that gas station and almost got arrested!!!! LOL! And the twister!! HAHA!! And "OBESE!!!!!!!"
We love you. And we will see you soon. Rest in Peace love.....

November 12, 1922

HAPPY FOUNDER'S DAY!

EEE-YIP!

TGIF!

It's FRIDAY!!!! I'm going to play!!!!!!!!!! :D

He Knocked ME Up Side My Head AGAIN!!! (maybe i'll listen this time)

So, just last night I wrote Romans 3:23. It just poured out. If you've been keeping up, then you know that I've been struggling with accepting the fact that this is where I'm supposed to be in my life right now. I'm angry because things aren't going MY way. I'm upset because I don't like the situation that I am in right now. I want to go back down south. I miss my friends. I miss my family. Blah Blah Blah. There is more, but I don't feel like putting myself out there like that tonight.

Anywho, I get on the LameBook and my old roomie had posted a note. She basically shared with us how the Lord came to her in a dream. She dreamed that she was with her boyfriend and some friends. Suddenly, vultures came and began to attack everyone. They then tried to attack her and her boyfriend shielded her body with his, trying to protect her. He then told her to go hide. She also mentioned that vultures only prey on "dead" things.

The next day, her boyfriend called her and told her that God told him that they couldn't be together. She was confused not only by this, but by her dream. She continued to ask God what her dream meant and He came to her and told her:

"So I continued to ask God about my dream. He said "D, how dare you!" "How dare you come to my door, knock, and it be opened. I give you all the desires of your heart and then you stop praising my name." "You asked me for an attractive, God-fearing man, who will understand you, accept you AND your son, love you unconditionally, etc and I give it to you and you get side tracked...how dare you." God is a jealous God! He told me what my dream meant. The vultures were preying on me not because I was dead but because my spirit was dead. Bobby was trying to protect me in my dream because that is what he was designed to do in the first place. He was directing me in the dream because that is what is supposed to happen. The man is the leader, and we must follow. Although that is a hard pill to swallow for some women, it MUST be done."

She goes on to say,

"Since God has given me a taste of what is for me, I will never make that mistake again. Nothing and no one can stop me from praising his name and walking in His light. When you don't know what to do, just stop, be still and listen. Ask God to come and get you from where you are, take you by the hand and show you what He wants you to do."

Although her situation is different, the message is the same. Don't put ANYTHING before God. He loves us so much and wants so much to provide for us. And when we don't praise Him like we should or get side tracked, He can and will take it all away. She also said,

"When God strips something out of you life, sometimes it is not permanent. Sometimes it is an eye opener to get you back on the right path towards Him. When things are not going according to YOUR plan, they are going according to God's plan."

God tells my hard headed self ALL THE TIME that He has this. He's constantly saying, "Tasha, I got this! Don't worry." But because I want my life to go the way I see it laid out in my head, I get discouraged. I'm listening Lord. I'm trying. Help me. I want to accept. I want to be patient. I want to go through whatever it is that I need to go through to get to where You are leading me.

Thank you Lord! And thanks D for that wonderful message.

ROMANS 3:23

I'm scared. Point blank.
I have no clue where my life is headed.
I need some direction.
I talk to God, but hear no response.
Am I listening too hard?
Maybe I'm not listening at all.
My faith is shattered. Sad, but true.
I was once protected by his grace
But now I feel abandoned and disgraced.
I know that I've done it all to myself.
Turning my back on Him is not gonna help.
I'm secluding myself from His word and His love.

Formed by my own tears, I drown in this sea.
It's deep, dark, and abysmal you see.
I've stopped asking for help.
Won't pray when I feel the need.
I'm living my life by my own terms.

I'm gonna die by this seed that I've planted in my heart.
It's growing in my body and overpowering my mind.
It causes me to hate life itself and all who aren't blind
To the realness of the Lord and what He can do.
I don't wanna die this way.
I want to kneel down and pray.
I want to be at peace.
I want this pain to cease.
There's a spiritual war going on within me.
I'm fighting God, myself, and the enemy.
I want God to win. I want Him to take control.
I want Him to hold me in His arms and bring peace to my soul.

These words do scare me.
Because they are true.
But I'm confessing to You now Lord.
I'm asking for your forgiveness.
Please shake the demons that haunt my mind.
With light flood the darkness that makes me blind.
Make me whole again.
Jesus!
Make me new.

Make me in the likeness of You.
-Fullcomplexity

If Home is Where the Heart is, then I Need to be in Alabama....

I'm reading "Dreams From My Father" by Barack Obama. I've been reading it since last Christmas. I started it and then put it down. Now, I'm back on it. For some reason, its hard for me to get through it. I dunno if its because he talks about politics or what. I was good when he was talking about growing up. But when he moves to Chicago, he looses me. The paragraphs are soooo loooonnnggg. But then, it picks up again. And then I'm ok. I'm taking a break right now. I can only take so much of that book all at once. But for some reason, the book does make me think....

I am haunted by my past. I'm haunted by a world that I knew for almost 5 years. 5 years may not seem like a long time to someone who has lived in the same place their entire life. But it is to me. Those 5 years were the years in which I came into my own as me. You see what I'm saying? I am who I am because of that place. And I think I'm haunted by it because I uprooted myself so quickly. One day I was there, surrounded by all of the things that I had known. And literally, the next day all of it was gone. And I really think its had a toll on me. I'm a bit jealous of everyone who is still there. They're continuing their lives. They are happy. They are surrounded by the people who love them and those they love. And don't get me wrong. I love my family. I love my mom, dad and brother and sisters. But they weren't around for ANY of those five years. They never came to visit. My mom rarely called me. And I only went home for Christmas. And that time was miserable for me. (Not to mention that the rest of my fam is also back in AL.....)

My family became my girls. We grew together and took care of one another. If any of us needed a thing, we were there. And its not merely a 'wanting to go and hang with my friends' again type thing. Those people really became my family. And I know this because I have gone through so much and they were there. They've always been there. I hardly ever called home. I did fine without my "blood" family all that time, why should I have to come and be with them now? I'm sad. I'm lonely. They say that college is just a phase in your life. And that the chapter is closed and that its time to move on. But you don't move on from people who are closer to you than your own mom or dad. It sounds harsh, but its the truth. I can't fully explain it all. It would take mountains of paragraphs. All I can say is that I wanna go back to my family. Home is where the heart is. And mine is definitely not here....

Stewie. Addictions.

The dreams had stopped for a minute. I'm thinking it was because I wasn't getting a lot of sleep. I've been staying up, trying to kick it, knowing that I have to be at work in the morning. I'm getting old. I can't hang like I used to.
Well, last night I went to sleep around 9:30. I tried to watch Grey's Anatomy. But that idea went right out the window..... Anywho- I dream that I am left with this baby. HOWEVER, the kid is like STEWIE!! There was this ghost hunting kit and he gets up, explains to me how it works, and then proceeds to use the kit. The lights were off. And when we turned on this special flash light, we could see the ghosts. It was freaky. I dunno.... Then I was in the car or something. A Sigma from my Alma Mater was in the dream. Along with a couple of other people. My friend Toni was in it too. The Sigmas were online and for some reason we(Greeks) were all there. We ended up at this house that was sitting on the cliff. And when you looked out the window, all you saw was, like, mountain. I dunno.. It was just all weird and random. Usually my dreams are extremely clear and they make sense. This one was just all over the place...

I'm so glad its Friday. Its been a long week. On a side note!!!! (random thought by me): I just tried to log into Facebook and they told me I couldn't get in! Ain't that some ish???? I don't need to be on the LameBook anyways....

People are being treated for Internet addictions. That is crazy. Well, quietly it isn't that crazy. My freshman year of college, I was ALWAYS on the computer. My friends used to call me a hacker. Seriously. I loved my computer. I treated her, yes its a her, like a pet. But thankfully I grew out of that. I still like to get online though. I just like web design and stuff. Thats all! But I can see how people can become addicted to it and use the Internet as an escape from the real world. Some people use drugs. Some people use alcohol. I use music and books. When things aren't going right, or I want to tune out everyone else, I grab my IPOD and a book and I go far, far away from here. Which is what I feel like doing right now. Time to go to "Tasha Land". Holla at ya later!

Heaven only KNOWs.....

So, Mr. Legend has his video out for "Heaven", the second song off of his highly anticipated album. I like the song. Its one of my favs. HOWEVER, I have some problems.
Number one. In the song, the sample drives me NUTS! The sample says, "Heaven only know. Heaven only know-oh." Its heaven only KNOWS!!!! That drives me crazy. Have you ever talked to someone who kept using incorrect grammar and you wanted to grab them by the shoulders, shake them, and scream at them that they are saying the wrong words??????
Ok. Maybe you haven't. But it drives me insane!!!! Say it out loud with me. "Heaven only know..." Now say it correctly, "Heaven only knows..." See the difference? That damned Chain Hang Low song drives me nuts to. It sounds like the Harlem Boys Choir singing in Ebonics... "Do yo chain hang low. Do it wobble to and fro...." Or whatever they say. I told my little brother I better not ever hear him singing that dumb song......

Number two. I have issues with this pose that Mr. Legend LOVES to do. At the end of the video, he does the LIP THING!!! LMAO?!?!?!? Make him stop!!! He looks like he's been caught mid sentence or like he is about to kiss you. I dunno. I just need him to PUH-LEASE find a new pose!!!! Where are his people? They are supposed to help him with this.....

See:




You're cute sweety! Smile sometimes!!!!! Anywho, here is the video....

Unknown Caller. Cussed out the Boss.

Just got off work. Blah. I did the most embarrassing thing today. I went to the back and ran into another employee. He could tell I was bothered, so he asked me what was wrong. I replied by telling him EXACTLY what was wrong, using cuss words and all. I referred to my boss as "that woman" and went slap off. I look up and she walks around the corner. I just turned around and walked out. I was angry, embarrassed, and frustrated all in one. I'm just glad to be home. I'm tired. And I miss my friends......

Homecoming weekend was last weekend. And I kept getting this random unknown phone call. I thought it was one of my friends who I gave my number to. But I figured he would've just left a voice mail telling me it was him. I was getting out the shower and I heard my phone ring. I ran to get it and saw that it was the unknown caller. I got to the phone. Pushed the talk button, and then dropped it on the ground like a dumb ass!!!! The freaking phone came a part!!!!! And that was the last I heard from the unknown caller. I was so mad!!!!! Now I'll never know who it was......

I have a headache... I'm through for now

Love. Jones.

I got the damn CD. Finally. I'm a freaking maniac. Honest! It's cool. I guess. You know how you gotta listen to a CD more than once to see if you really like it? Yeah. It's a lot more laid back than his first one though. Still throwbackish. The album is the soundtrack to a lot of people's relationships. Just like the first one. So far I love Save Room, of course... And Heaven. That's a hot one. Kudos to Mr. West. Of course I love "Again" and "Another Again". You usually like the stuff you can relate to.......... Well, the fact that you keep doing something after you said it would end. That's a mutha'.

I was watching Love Jones. Yes, I'm just seeing Love Jones. That was a good movie. I see what all the hype was about. Of course, that was almost 10 years ago and I wouldn't have really understood the movie at 13. It made me think. I'm always thinking. But that and now listening to John Legend's album really has me off in "Tasha land".

Love is so confusing and you CAN NOT explain it. And I really think that's how love is supposed to be. You just can't explain why. OK. Well, you can explain why you love someone or why they make you 'smile with your heart'. But when pure passion is involved, its so inexplicable. And I'm not babbling. I'm speaking from experience. Its like you can't explain why you keep coming back to this person. Why can't you let go? And often times the person is all wrong for you. And probably not what the good Lord wants for you. But you listen to that damned heart of yours. And those feelings. (which is why we should keep our pants up until we get married because you lose sight of what God wants and listen to what YOU want).... Anyway....
Its an addiction. And I know that I've written about this before. But I'm in pure awe of how much power love can have over a person. And then you get tricked into thinking that this must be real and it must be who you're supposed to be with because the feeling is so strong.

Why? I wish you only felt that way for the person you're supposed to be with. Ya know? I hate that.

And with that, I don't like just anyone. I'm picky and usually the person that I end up falling for has this strange power over me. I just get so weak thinking about them. I want to be around him all the time. I get weak thinking about being in his arms. I don't think that you should have to make yourself like a person. If you have to think twice about it, then its not meant to be. That's how I honestly feel. Now don't get me wrong. I did question the guy that I ended up falling head over heels for. My friends had to tell me to give the poor guy a chance. But I don't mean in that way. If you've been conversing with this person for a while and you still have to go back and forth in your head about whether you like him, or if you have to make yourself like him, then it just ain't meant to be.

Love. And when you feel so strongly for someone and there is all this passion, what happens when in the end the other person never felt all of that. I think that's cruel. And crushing. Yeah, sometimes you get orgasms mixed up with real love. But dang. Sometimes you do truly love that person. And I think you know this because after all is said and done, they still linger in your head. You wonder how they're doing. You wonder if your paths will ever cross again. You picture in your mind what it will be like when you do run into one another. And secretly wish that it ends up the way it did in Love Jones.

Love is a mutha'. Ain't it?

A&M. Dreams. Legend

I've officially been accepted to the Graduate School at Alabama A&M. Ain't that something. I honestly had forgotten about it. Its the Education program. Of course, I have to go through interviews and takes these tests on top of it. For a profession that is so under paid, they sure do make it hard for you to get started! Is this what I'm supposed to do? The letter happened to come at a point where I was (am) seriously questioning/doubting what the hell I am supposed to do. We shall see.....

John Legend's CD hits stores tomorrow. I'm so excited. My best friend thinks I've gone absolutely nuts. And she's probably right. I can't get enough of him. He's been visiting radio stations up here and when he sings I get so weak inside. That voice does it for me. Man, I think I'm gonna buy his live albums too. I love it. His voice is so raw. And I had no clue that he is only 27. He was a CHILD when he did that first CD. No wonder he was talking crazy on some of the tracks. He kinds reminds me of.... never mind....

I'm having DREAMS AGAIN!!!!! Well, they never stop. But this person popped up again. When is this cycle going to end? What happens if I'm with my man and fall asleep or something and have one of those crazy dreams and start mumbling names? That would be bad..... I think its my mind's way of disposing of all the garbage. I dream about it to let it out. Cuz I certainly don't talk about it and I definitely don't think about it consciously.

God. Identity.......

Do you ever get mad at God? Well, I do. And I'm not proud of it. Sometimes I get real impatient. I start to compare my life to other people's lives. I get discouraged. And I know I shouldn't. And I really do cry and tell Him how mad I am and how I don't understand. I sit in my room, or in my car, and I openly- OUT LOUD- go off. You'd think I was crazy if you were walking by.... I then calm down and I talk to Him calmly and ask Him to please forgive me. I'm like a little kid. I have fits when things don't go my way. And I know its a part of life. And I KNOW that God has me. I know all of this. I still get discouraged sometimes.....

I'm so glad that I have an identity outside of other things. I went to someone's myspace page today and oh my gosh. First of all, you are 26. Second of all, well, I'm not even gonna go there. Maybe some people really did have to pay to have friends.........

Ugh. I'll write more later. I just got real disgusted......

John Legend. Stress. Job.

I am itching to get my hands on John Legend's new CD. What is this madness???? I used to despise this dude. Honest!! It comes out October 24th. Like Lupe said, I'm in the mood for something real. And I think that this is going to be it. I need some real good soothing soul in my life. Its imperative and way overdue....

I know how to stress. If you have any questions about stress, I'm your girl. When I went to orientation for college, I was so nervouse about getting on the plane, going to AL, and going to college that I broke out in hives. Well, I've done it yet another time. But this time its in the form of psoriasis. Its an extremely MILD case. It's nothing like the disgusting pictures that I saw on the internet. Ohmygoodness!!!! Those things were scary. I broke out when I was in High School. My poor boyfriend at the time. LOL! He didn't know what was going on. But he loved me anyway.... I have to learn to handle my stress better. This is getting out of hand.

I hate my job.
Thats my randomness for today.

What is going on?

They (whoever they are) were so right when they said that you can't run from your problems. They will eventually catch up with you or continue to haunt you. Well, I ran the hell away from one state after I graduated. It may not have seemed this way on the outside, but to me and the people in my circle, they knew that the place was slowly and surely killing me. I graduated and was on my way to a different state in less than 24 hours. No jokes! I really thought that if I removed myself from the situation, that I could get over everything. And I'm so tired of going over what everything is, so I'll pretend that you know.

Well, the current situation doesn't even have to do with why I ran away. But of course, it stems from Alabama. Me and him got extremely close over the summer. Like, talking everyday close. Planning trips to see one another close. Feeling weird if I didn't talk to him close. I went down there to see him. The problems that I ran away from showed their faces and we both let it interfere with "our" trip. We fell out. I left. I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks. I finally called him about two days ago. Everything was going well. We're both on the Lamebook and he left this off the wall funny message on my wall. So I responded back on his and told him "this means war!" You know, just playing around.

Well, I get online this morning and I have this message from him talking about how he wasn't happy to hear from me and how he was going to end it now before he starts leaving really mean vicious comments. He also said that some comments that I made didn't sit with him well.
It was OUT THE BLUE!!!!

I'm through. It's too much. I feel that this is turning into another cycle. I did this cycle thing for two years with someone. I'm not falling into it again.......

Dreams. WaWa

I dream a lot. If something is going on in my life, I will more than likely dream about it. I went through a phase where I dreamed about this one person EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! They were literally hunting me in my dreams. It was crazy. And I swear that every single dream meant something. Well, you know how women PMS? I think I have an emotional cycle also. Every month my emotions go haywire. And its not connected to my cycle. Anywho.. I think I'm going through my emotional cycle right now. Last night I dreamed about water. And this isn't the first time that I did it. Each time that I dreamed about water, I was going through something. So, last night I dreamed that something was over flowing and the water was just flowing through the house. So, today I went and looked up the meaning of water in dreams. It means that you are going through something emotional or sexually. Well, it aint the latter! lol!!!!! Isn't it crazy how whats going on in your everyday life can come out in your dreams like that? I have such an over active mind.......

I am obsessed with Wawa!!! If you don't know, Wawa is a gas station. But its like the Wal-Mart of gas stations!! It has this cool sandwich shop in there with touch screen computers. You use these to make your order! And they have the best Cappuccino! I go there almost EVERY DAY! I have to have a French Vanilla Cappuccino every day. I like it more than Starbucks. And its cheaper too!

Completely RANDOM!

I like Rhianna. She's a cool chick..... What is the plural form of penis? ...... I'm back to having weird dreams again. I promise I think I need to go talk to a psychologist. Or maybe a psychiatrist. I'm sure either would do. I have a very over- active mind. I'm constantly thinking about things. This has its ups and downs. Especially when something is bothering me......

Ok. So if you delete someone as your friend on something, let's say, the LameBook for instance. That means you don't want to be their friend, right? Thought so. Let's see how long it takes for him to ask me for the THIRD time! Get a clue sweety.

I was talking to my worker buddies at work today and we got on the subject of hysterectomies. She said that you loose all "feeling" down there after you have one. I don't think that's true. That can't be true! There would be a whole lot of unhappy women walking around if that were the case......

Yall gotta hit up mediatakeout.com. That website is the funniest thing ever. All it is is a celebrity gossip site. Well, for the most part, its true. They just put it all out there for you. Please check it out. I promise you will get a good laugh.....

I'm through being random. I thought a lighter, happier blog was well over due.

Annoyed.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a bitter person. I just choose to write when something is bothering me. I had to give that disclaimer before I went on my tangent about certain people. Now that we have that all cleared up.....

Why do people insist on keeping in contact with one another when all they do is piss each other off. Well, in my case, I continue to call and answer phone calls from a certain someone in my past. And EVERYTIME I talk to him, he pisses me off! It's like I am allergic to him or something. Sometimes I try so hard to have a nice pleasant conversation with him. But he always says some stupid outlandish shyt and its over from there. I think I'm a pretty patient person. And I have a great sense of humor. But this one person just pushes my buttons.

And lets not get on his lies! This boy can lie his tail off. That was one of the biggest problems when we were together. Of course, that was a long time ago. So, I figured that maybe he had grown up by now. My mistake. They don't grow out of the lies. The lies just grow with them. I just don't have the patience. I deleted his number out of my phone for like the 18th time. I don't know it by heart. So he shouldn't expect to hear from me at all. And I'm sure his nosey tail is gonna read this. And you'll know I'm talking to you. Yes, I'm serious. I'ma do you like I did 'Fat Fuck'. Stop CALLING ME!

And it may just be me. Maybe I'm just a mean person. I dunno. But there are some people who just shouldn't be friends. It just doesn't work. And you and me don't work.

Man. I'm gonna look around one day and not have a friend left in the world! ha! Sike!

You Blowin it B!

OK. I love B. Who doesn't? Well, I just love the fact that she is trying to break out of that goody-goody image. The songs on her album talk about things that you wouldn't expect to hear come from her. She went from catering to him to throwing the 'kitty kat' around like its a piece of candy.

However, is she taking a bit too far? Now, I am a firm believer in living your life to the fullest without giving a damn about what everyone else thinks of you. HOWEVER, her career is built around her image and of what we see of her. She is making comments about how she makes black music and sings how she talks. What does that mean? Hopefully someone miscontstrued her words. Because quietly, I don't want to be thought of like that when one of her records is played. Some of that stuff sounds plain stupid to be honest. Not all black people WANT to be hood. And not all black people go around talking about their sex lives and how he don't want it no more or how he can't put it down. So please, don't refer to your music as 'black' music. PLEASE!!!!

And yes! The drunk pictures. Lawd Have Mercy.... LOL! I laughed so HARD when I saw them. I think I laughed so hard because they reminded me of my friends. We know how to party and there have plenty of times when we've left the house leaning. HOWEVER, we are not STARS! And our careers don't depend on what statement was made, what dress we wore, or how drunk we got at a party. Wow B. You slipping.....

THE. FAT FUCK. FOR REAL

SO. The way I feel right now is a bit indescribable. A varied series of events have occurred in the past week. They've left my heart so heavy that I haven't been able to write at all. Usually, when something happens, I'm quick to vent. I haven't written in my journal or blogged about anything. That is highly unlike me. I finally feel a bit lighter. Not much though. I'm a big bag of mixed of emotions right now. So bare with me as I try to sort them out....

I went to AL. Blah. I can't get into all of it. I want to. But it’s SO MUCH! I did enjoy myself. Visiting Alabama left me feeling all mixed up. I want more, I'm confused, I'm scared. Surprisingly though, I'm not angry. I used to try to keep people anonymous for the sake of their privacy. And I was also a bit ashamed to let the world know that I was still dealing with some 'issues'. But screw that. This issue brought himself into the picture. So, I shall vent about it.

The last real thing that he said to me was, "I don't give a damn about you or what you do." Cool. You don't care? Then you don't care. Don't bother to contact me again. Don't bother thinking about even FORMING your lips to say my name again. A couple of days later, I find out he has a girlfriend. Mind you, I was in his bed two weeks prior. But that’s a WHOLE other story that’s not important. See, my issue with him is not the fact that he was obviously lying to me and obviously her for a long ass time. I'm over that. Shit happens. My issue is the fact that after he said those hateful words to me, he still tried to contact me. The nigga called three times after I moved to VA. He then trusts to send me a message on the Lamebook. (facebook). Why? Don't you remember? You don't give a damn about me. Well, this is where (as Toni likes to refer to him) Fat Fuck reappears in my life:

I went to Alabama to see someone. He flew me down there. We had a party and of course he finds out. And of course he makes his way to the venue. He then tries to TALK TO ME!!!! WTF?!? He calls my name. Wait, he yells my name. I look at him and keep walking. You don't want to talk to me. Remember? The nigga STILL tries to talk. "Oh you can't speak? I thought we were adults." Fuck that. I am an adult. I don't have to like you. And I don't HAVE TO SPEAK TO YOU. I gave in. And I gave him dry yes/no responses to his questions. I finally got aggravated and exploded. I told him to "muthafuckin leave me alone". And I meant it. You don't tell someone that you don't give a damn about them. Especially when you know how much they care (cared) about you and expect everything to be ok when you feel like talking. I swear he has some control issues........... That’s my vent on that.

Now... Onto the real thing that’s been bothering me. The. We go way back. We go back further than any of your brothers. We go back further than any boyfriend that I've had. I know that you care about me. And I care about you. You know that the situation with 'Fat Fuck' has left me a bit 'dry'. I don't want to feel again. I guess I'm scared too. And that is no excuse. (Just like there are no excuses for what happened last Saturday) When I first saw you at the airport, the feeling that I got STARTLED me. And when you hugged me, (I don't know if you noticed or not) I pulled away because I didn't understand what I was feeling. When we were on your couch watching TV on Friday- the little break we took before we went to the mall- and I had my legs on your lap and you were kinda holding them.... I was uncomfortable because I felt so comfortable. It's almost like I was fighting it. I'm scared to feel again. I'm afraid to fall for you in any shape, form, or fashion because I don't want to go through it again. At least not now. I'm not mentally ready for that. I don't think I can handle it. There are so many things going on in my head right now. You think you know, but you have no idea. My days used to be filled with thoughts of him here and there. Now I find myself thinking about you and what you're doing. I don't know what it means. And please don't take it for more than it is- or less. I probably shouldn't be saying this because I KNOW how you feel about me and all this is going to do is confuse you. But its how I feel.

I may lose something good because of my own insecurities, resentment, and fear. But I CAN'T give you what you want from me. I just can't do it. And it’s not fair to you for me to not respond to you when you open up. It's not fair for you to allow your feelings to grow while I fight mine. You're gonna get a girl and I'm gonna kick myself and probably be real upset. But that’s life, right? Whatever is meant to be, in fact, will be.

Philophobia. John Legend. Alabama.

It's 10:00 in the morning- on a Saturday. My siblings woke me at freaking 8:30!! I love being home, seeing the family and all, but dang!!!! I wake up at the crack of dawn Monday-Friday. Can a girl sleep until at least 9 on the weekend? Anywho......

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Shoulder Lean?!? That song makes me so happy! And don't let me be driving and it come on the radio! It is SO OVER!!!!!! I wake up the entire neighborhood. I'm a hoodlum...."I can shoulder lean, I’ on know how to dance tho....." LOL! LUV IT!

I'm about to go back to the place that I call home in less than a week. I am SUPER excited. I feel like I've been gone for 10 years! Its gonna be so surreal. And its also gonna be sad cuz I'm going to have to leave everyone all over again. It may hurt worse the second time. I'm supposed to be making CDs and stuff. Different stuff. I gotta make a 2001 CD cuz that’s when we all came in. I'm afraid to start that one. You know that overwhelming feeling of nostalgia that you get when you hear a song that reminds you of the good times? That’s how I feel. I wonder what the weather is like down there.....

It's so BEAUTIFUL outside up here. Fall is my favorite time of the year. It's nice and cool. Just cool enough to snuggle up with someone, but not freezing. The sky has this overcast look and the leaves on the trees are starting to turn red, brown, and orange. I love it. It makes me feel warm inside.

If you know me, then you know that I DESPISE John Legend!!! ARRGGHH!!! He does this thing with his lips when he takes pictures. It's so gay. And then his lyrical content. Does he think that he is God's gift to woman? And yes, I meant woman. However, being the music whore that I am, I must commend his work on an artistic level. The dude has talent. He's got it. But the woman in me doesn't like him. Well, one morning I was making coffee, getting ready for work, and I was watching VH1 Soul. I see this dude lying in the bed caressing this dark woman. Then the music started. It's ol' John Legend. I listened. And I liked. The video was weird. The women kept changing. One minute she was black, the next white, then Asian... it was weird. But the song sparked my interest and I think I'm gonna check out his next album... or at least download it. ;)

This is on a totally different tangent.... We've all heard the stories about women (and men) who've been hurt or been in crazy relationships and as a result they block out the rest of the world. I never thought that I was this way. But lately, I've been experiencing the darndest thing! For some reason, men want to open up to me and tell me all this stuff, when I haven't given them ANY indication that I want them to or that I WANT to even hear it! I find myself feeling nauseous or getting uneasy when a man starts to open up or tell me something that he hasn't told others. It doesn't even have to be romantic or about the two of us. I just get real uneasy. I don't know if that is a result of some thing or some situation that I went through in the past. I dunno. But it’s weird. I get like a dude! Show one sign of emotion and I want to end the conversation...

Man, all of that was random as hell, huh?

You Have The Right To Be Stupid... ONCE!

I was at work today talking to Ms. Donna. I love that woman! She is the trillest Itallian I know! Anywho... We were talking about this woman who is married to an IDIOT. They've been married for 15 years, went to high school together... and for the past couple of years he's been acting out. Donna said that her husband sees the idiot coming in in the morning when he is leaving for work! The man is obviously cheating on her. They have 2 kids. But she will not do anything about it. And I was like, 'well- its her fault.' Not that she deserves that. But a man- or a woman for that matter- is gonna do what you let them do.

We then got into a conversation about how we both have been idiots and let a man run all over us. She dated a guy who dumped her over and over again and also got a woman pregnant while they were together. She said he was a DOG, but she was in love with him. I then told her my story. And in the end, the only reason we were hurt was because we allowed the crap to happen.

Me and Toni were talking about this one day. Every woman is allowed to have 1 stupid moment in her life. And by this, I mean you are completely oblivious to the obvious. You allow a man who probably doesn't want you for real to run all over you. He uses you for his own gain; whether it be sexual, financial, as a trophy, or just to feed his own psychotic ego. We've all done it. But one time is enough!

After I told Donna an extremely abbreviated version of my story, she asked me if I had learned anything from it. And I did. I learned a lot. I already knew this, but it really reinforced it. You have to go through things in life. If you don't, you'll never learn and you'll never grow. If I had it to do all over again, I would have never gone onto the balcony of the apartment below me. But since I can't go back in time, I'll use that experience to my advantage- and NEVER allow myself to allow my mind to get caught up like that again.

So, don't fret over things of the past. Whats done is done. I bet you're a lot smarter and a whole lot wiser because of it. And It used to kill me to know that he was merely a stepping stone in my life. He was my learning experience. I didn't want him to be my learning experience. I wanted him to be the one. I always thought that after I broke up with my first 'real' guy, that I would never love like that again. Then I met my second and forgot all about the first one! lol!!! The third time is a charm. He HAS to be FANTASTIC! LORD PLEASE!!! lol.... I don't want ANYMORE learning experiences in the love department.....

Retail. Justin. Beyonce

Don't ever work in retail. I hate it. If this were my career, I think I'd cry myself to sleep every night. This place is like manual labor! Thank God I'm going back to school. And I thank God for the job that he has in store for me... Anywho....

It's getting cold up here and I don't have any winter clothes. They are all in Alabama. I didn't plan on staying in VA this long. I need to get those babies shipped ASAP!

I bought Justin Timberlake's album yesterday. Um....I guess this is the year of "different" because every single album I bought this year has been totally the opposite of what I expected. It's like everyone is trying to change their sound or something. I dunno. It's not bad. But its completely different from Justified. Maybe its cuz when he did Justified, he was trying to solidify himself as an R&B artist. And when he was still put in a 'pop' category, I guess he said, 'hey- i'll just stick to pop." Well, thats what he said on MTV. Timbaland can make some good music. But too much of him is just a headache! And thats what Future Sex/Love Sounds is. There are some hot tracks though. There is this interlude that makes me wanna..um...well, let's just say its real sexy. And Three Six Mafia is on a track! It's alright. I can see me and my girls bumping that in the car on the way out. 'Until the End of Time' sounds like a Prince song. Very nice. His best songs are the ballad like ones. Oh yeah- Pharrell should've been on it. He would've broken up all those 'timbalandish" beats.....

Beyonce is another one who strayed from the formula. I'm already tired of listening to it. Its not that the CD isn't good. It's just too-um- hippity hoppity for me. Ya know? But when I'm in a nice "sunny" mood, I'll play it. Resentment, Kitty Kat, and Green Light are my favs.

Sexy Love. Valentino. Hell

Have I mentioned that I am obsessed with "Sexy Love" by Neyo? Everytime I hear that song, I grin from ear to ear like he is singing to me. It's something about the way the beat drops in the song and that cute little melody. I dunno. Not to mention, the words. He's a cool writer. I have his album. I still have yet to listen to all of it. I dunno. Some of the songs make me feel sick to my stomach. Literally. There are still certain situations that I can't listen to in songs. It makes my stomach turn.
I'm practically made of music. I have music on my computer from 2001. My computer is like a time line. If I want to go back to a certain time in my life, I just go to my computer, arrange the media by the date created, and go to the date. It's weird. I think I have a time machine. Well, occasionally, I like to test just how much I've gotten over certain situations in my life. It sounds weird, but its true. Music sparks so many emotions and feelings and memories. I have a song for everything. Well, last night I listened to Mr. Valentino. If only you knew what that album symbolizes for me. Don't expect me to tell you, cuz you'll never know... ;p But I listened to that album from start to finish. Surprisingly, I only felt like throwing up once. There was a time when I couldn't look at the name Bobby Valentino. Looks like I'm going on with life. Which is good.....
I'm leaving for a familiar place in about 2 weeks. I'm pretty excited. It should be interesting. I haven't been to this place in some months. Its basically like going to hell. On everything. But maybe the heat has been turned down and the flames extinguished.

I forgot to mention this: On a lighter note:
This has to be the funniest ish I heard today! In Australia, there is a backlash against the sting rays!!! LMAO!!! These people are going around killing the sting rays and..lol... cutting their tails off. I heard in on the Tom Joyner Morning Show this morning on my way to work. WTF?!? How are you gonna lash out at animal for an accident? LOL!!! I laughed for a good 20 minutes at work about it. People are weird. Seriously....

Randomness

So, I decided to do my random thoughts on here instead of on my myspace page. It's easier for me this way... Anywho....

I keep having these dreams! And all of them are so vivid and weird! A few nights ago I dreamed about a dead snake. Anyone know what that is supposed to mean? And last night I dreamed that I was 'intertwined' with a certain someone. But we were in school again and he had a girlfriend. And instead of him going to class, we went to a room, i put on some minnie ripperton, and we made love. What the hell does that mean?? Well, actually, I know exactly what it means. I just wish the dreams would go away. I wonder what its gonna take to make them stop.

Past

It is so amazing how people come back into your life! Of course, having things like Myspace helps. A certain someone from my past found me. I thought I would never talk to this person again! It's not that we fell out or anything. He was just a friend in High School. I graduated before him, moved to a different time zone, and began my life. It makes me wonder who I'm gonna run into 5 years from now......

I Love to laugh!!!! I can stay on YouTube for hours laughing at stuff. It feels so good to laugh. Ok.. Just felt like sharing that...

When the "one" comes along, he and I will both know. He will have no doubts about me. There will be no reason to choose between me and another woman. I never want to end up with a man who is torn between two women or who is entertaining more than one woman and then "chooses" one. I'll be his one and his only. There will be no reason for me to have to ask any questions about his character or the way he lives his life. We will both know. And in that knowing, we will accept one another, full of flaws. I will be 'perfectly flawed' to him and he to I. Some recent observing of other people's situations really had me thinking about this. 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us what love is. I want that. There will be no doubt in my mind that he is the one. He will not put me aside until he is ready. He will not give up on us. He will be in it for the long haul because he loves me and believes in our love. I'm in no rush to find "him." I'm chillin right now- enjoying Tash. But best believe when he comes along, I will know!

God. Tuscaloosa.

Ok. So. I am working on my relationship with God. I'm trying to do better and be a better person. I've given up some things. And I know its nothing but Satan himself bringing this one thing into my life!! I know I can be strong and stick to what I said I would/wouldn't do. *sigh* It's hard. But HE didn't say it would be easy.....

I really think Tuscaloosa has traumatized me! When I'm on myspace and come across a page of someone who graduated from UA that I knew but didn't really "care for", I get this weird, sick, vomit feeling in my stomach. Yuk!

God is so good to me. He continually blesses me, even when I know I don't deserve it. I'm not perfect. No where near it. I have a lot of growing to do and I do some DUMB stuff. But when I fall on my behind, all I have to do is cry out and He is there. What can be better than that? Man, I CAN NOT imagine my life without God. I would be dead somewhere. I know this for a fact. I love Him with every bone in my body. I really can't think of a moment when He has let me down. Of course me being human, I have questions and doubts in my mind. But I'm learning to be still. He is gonna work it out.

I'm A Grown Woman!!

Maybe its because I look a lot younger than 23. Maybe its because I'm so sweet. Maybe its because I play that "i'm innocent and fragile" role TOO WELL. I'm not a child. And for some reason, people think I am this fragile little girl who will just erupt if they say the wrong things to me. lol! For those who know me, yes. I am emotional. And can allow myself to become fragile when I get to that point. (And you'd know what that point was if you read my 'word vomit')But damn. Why is it that when I'm ok, the guys aren't? My ex- "hey, Tasha. Iim just calling to see how you doing. Holla at me when you get his." WTF for? I'm FINE! I'm not thinking about you! MOVE ON!!! And my most recent situation. You my boy and no one but you even knows this is directed at you but: I'm ok. Stop apologizing. And I say that because when you apologize, you say stuff that leads me to believe that you believe that I am loosing sleep over what happened. I'm a GROWN ASS WOMAN. I'm ok. Focus on whats important and what's been bothering you for the past few months....

Contentment

I'm at a point in my life where I am extremely content. It kinda scares me because I have never been this content before. I'm just calm. And I'm talking about my love life. I'm single. And I've NEVER been this content. For the past 5 years, if I was single, I was unhappy because I was single not by my own wishes. I was single because the guy didn't want me. I was unhappy and wishing that I wasn't single. Now, I'm so content. I feel this unusual peace. And it scares me because I feel like I may stay this way. I've turned down two guys. There is nothing wrong with them. I just don't want to get involved with anyone. I like being me. I like doing me. Maybe when the right one comes along, I'll know it and I'll allow him to join me. ;p

EX Won't LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

WHY DOES MY EX KEEP CALLING ME? Boys are so stupid..... If you fall out with someone, you don't call them out of the blue like everything is ok. My mom says that in some sick way, it's his way of apologizing. I don't buy it. If you can call and say mean and nasty things to me, then you can call and apologize. I've come to the conclusion that he is just crazy and confused. There are no other words for it. And I don't need crazy/confused people in my life. I have enough confusion already!

Random

Why are girls so catty? It is scientifically proven that girls get more attached after sex than men. Why? Is it just me or does Pharrell seem to think he is Michael Jackson in his new video? Whats the real reason why people have different dialects across the US? The DaVinci Code is a good book. What are my friends in Alabama doing?