Last night as I was laying in bed, I had an epiphany. Or maybe it was this morning… I realized that I have an issue with not being first. I don’t mean, “first” as in winning or being the best dressed or being the top performer. I mean being first in the lives of people that I put first.
I think back to the major issues that I have had in past relationships and the bottom line in all of them was that I was never put first. I’ve always played second fiddle to someone or something. The only time that I felt like I was number one in my significant other’s life was in high school. Crazy, huh? He and I were each other’s best friends. It was literally just me and him. Yes, he had child hood friends. He had female friends and male friends that he had for nearly 10 years. But when him and I got together, it was him and I.
I miss that.
Let me break it down a little further. When it came down to spending time with me or spending time with the frat, the frat was always chosen. When it came down to hurting the feelings of the random chick that liked my man or hurting my feelings, my feelings were hurt. And then, after he was caught, he wanted to care about me. When it came down to my man expressing himself and being vulnerable with me versus being vulnerable with his ex, he chose her. What about me? Who are you in the relationship with?
I had a conversation with my ex, and he stated that he felt like I always compared him to my friend’s relationship. They are the light in one another’s eyes. Their relationship is all about the other person. She doesn’t have to worry about ex’s. She doesn’t have to worry about random female friends calling the phone. She doesn’t have to worry about him having a hard time letting go of the past. He has never given her a reason to worry or doubt. She has always been number one in his eyes. When they became serious, he didn’t see anyone but her.
No, I’m not in their relationship. No, I don’t know him the way that my friend knows him. But from just being around him, I can see that she is his everything. He isn’t concerned about the crowd. He isn’t concerned about pleasing the masses. He could care less. It’s just him and his woman.
I want that.
And it’s not that I was comparing our relationship to theirs or measuring my ex up to my friend’s fiancé. It was me seeing something that I want. It’s me seeing something that I’ve had. We all are entitled to our feelings. And we all have a right to expect certain things in a relationship. And that is something that I want and expect.
Why would I want to marry someone who is much more concerned with people who are not in our relationship? And why would I want to give you my all if you can’t even see past all of that?
Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to be locked away from the rest of the world. I have a life. I have friends that I love. I have a family that I love. But the bond that I want to share with my significant other will be one that is undeniable to myself and anyone who encounters us. There will be a respect that he has for me. He will know and understand boundaries. He will care about my feelings in all situations. He will know how to be my man.
Am I asking for too much?
