SO. The way I feel right now is a bit indescribable. A varied series of events have occurred in the past week. They've left my heart so heavy that I haven't been able to write at all. Usually, when something happens, I'm quick to vent. I haven't written in my journal or blogged about anything. That is highly unlike me. I finally feel a bit lighter. Not much though. I'm a big bag of mixed of emotions right now. So bare with me as I try to sort them out....
I went to AL. Blah. I can't get into all of it. I want to. But it’s SO MUCH! I did enjoy myself. Visiting Alabama left me feeling all mixed up. I want more, I'm confused, I'm scared. Surprisingly though, I'm not angry. I used to try to keep people anonymous for the sake of their privacy. And I was also a bit ashamed to let the world know that I was still dealing with some 'issues'. But screw that. This issue brought himself into the picture. So, I shall vent about it.
The last real thing that he said to me was, "I don't give a damn about you or what you do." Cool. You don't care? Then you don't care. Don't bother to contact me again. Don't bother thinking about even FORMING your lips to say my name again. A couple of days later, I find out he has a girlfriend. Mind you, I was in his bed two weeks prior. But that’s a WHOLE other story that’s not important. See, my issue with him is not the fact that he was obviously lying to me and obviously her for a long ass time. I'm over that. Shit happens. My issue is the fact that after he said those hateful words to me, he still tried to contact me. The nigga called three times after I moved to VA. He then trusts to send me a message on the Lamebook. (facebook). Why? Don't you remember? You don't give a damn about me. Well, this is where (as Toni likes to refer to him) Fat Fuck reappears in my life:
I went to Alabama to see someone. He flew me down there. We had a party and of course he finds out. And of course he makes his way to the venue. He then tries to TALK TO ME!!!! WTF?!? He calls my name. Wait, he yells my name. I look at him and keep walking. You don't want to talk to me. Remember? The nigga STILL tries to talk. "Oh you can't speak? I thought we were adults." Fuck that. I am an adult. I don't have to like you. And I don't HAVE TO SPEAK TO YOU. I gave in. And I gave him dry yes/no responses to his questions. I finally got aggravated and exploded. I told him to "muthafuckin leave me alone". And I meant it. You don't tell someone that you don't give a damn about them. Especially when you know how much they care (cared) about you and expect everything to be ok when you feel like talking. I swear he has some control issues........... That’s my vent on that.
Now... Onto the real thing that’s been bothering me. The. We go way back. We go back further than any of your brothers. We go back further than any boyfriend that I've had. I know that you care about me. And I care about you. You know that the situation with 'Fat Fuck' has left me a bit 'dry'. I don't want to feel again. I guess I'm scared too. And that is no excuse. (Just like there are no excuses for what happened last Saturday) When I first saw you at the airport, the feeling that I got STARTLED me. And when you hugged me, (I don't know if you noticed or not) I pulled away because I didn't understand what I was feeling. When we were on your couch watching TV on Friday- the little break we took before we went to the mall- and I had my legs on your lap and you were kinda holding them.... I was uncomfortable because I felt so comfortable. It's almost like I was fighting it. I'm scared to feel again. I'm afraid to fall for you in any shape, form, or fashion because I don't want to go through it again. At least not now. I'm not mentally ready for that. I don't think I can handle it. There are so many things going on in my head right now. You think you know, but you have no idea. My days used to be filled with thoughts of him here and there. Now I find myself thinking about you and what you're doing. I don't know what it means. And please don't take it for more than it is- or less. I probably shouldn't be saying this because I KNOW how you feel about me and all this is going to do is confuse you. But its how I feel.
I may lose something good because of my own insecurities, resentment, and fear. But I CAN'T give you what you want from me. I just can't do it. And it’s not fair to you for me to not respond to you when you open up. It's not fair for you to allow your feelings to grow while I fight mine. You're gonna get a girl and I'm gonna kick myself and probably be real upset. But that’s life, right? Whatever is meant to be, in fact, will be.
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