Annoyed.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a bitter person. I just choose to write when something is bothering me. I had to give that disclaimer before I went on my tangent about certain people. Now that we have that all cleared up.....

Why do people insist on keeping in contact with one another when all they do is piss each other off. Well, in my case, I continue to call and answer phone calls from a certain someone in my past. And EVERYTIME I talk to him, he pisses me off! It's like I am allergic to him or something. Sometimes I try so hard to have a nice pleasant conversation with him. But he always says some stupid outlandish shyt and its over from there. I think I'm a pretty patient person. And I have a great sense of humor. But this one person just pushes my buttons.

And lets not get on his lies! This boy can lie his tail off. That was one of the biggest problems when we were together. Of course, that was a long time ago. So, I figured that maybe he had grown up by now. My mistake. They don't grow out of the lies. The lies just grow with them. I just don't have the patience. I deleted his number out of my phone for like the 18th time. I don't know it by heart. So he shouldn't expect to hear from me at all. And I'm sure his nosey tail is gonna read this. And you'll know I'm talking to you. Yes, I'm serious. I'ma do you like I did 'Fat Fuck'. Stop CALLING ME!

And it may just be me. Maybe I'm just a mean person. I dunno. But there are some people who just shouldn't be friends. It just doesn't work. And you and me don't work.

Man. I'm gonna look around one day and not have a friend left in the world! ha! Sike!

You Blowin it B!

OK. I love B. Who doesn't? Well, I just love the fact that she is trying to break out of that goody-goody image. The songs on her album talk about things that you wouldn't expect to hear come from her. She went from catering to him to throwing the 'kitty kat' around like its a piece of candy.

However, is she taking a bit too far? Now, I am a firm believer in living your life to the fullest without giving a damn about what everyone else thinks of you. HOWEVER, her career is built around her image and of what we see of her. She is making comments about how she makes black music and sings how she talks. What does that mean? Hopefully someone miscontstrued her words. Because quietly, I don't want to be thought of like that when one of her records is played. Some of that stuff sounds plain stupid to be honest. Not all black people WANT to be hood. And not all black people go around talking about their sex lives and how he don't want it no more or how he can't put it down. So please, don't refer to your music as 'black' music. PLEASE!!!!

And yes! The drunk pictures. Lawd Have Mercy.... LOL! I laughed so HARD when I saw them. I think I laughed so hard because they reminded me of my friends. We know how to party and there have plenty of times when we've left the house leaning. HOWEVER, we are not STARS! And our careers don't depend on what statement was made, what dress we wore, or how drunk we got at a party. Wow B. You slipping.....

THE. FAT FUCK. FOR REAL

SO. The way I feel right now is a bit indescribable. A varied series of events have occurred in the past week. They've left my heart so heavy that I haven't been able to write at all. Usually, when something happens, I'm quick to vent. I haven't written in my journal or blogged about anything. That is highly unlike me. I finally feel a bit lighter. Not much though. I'm a big bag of mixed of emotions right now. So bare with me as I try to sort them out....

I went to AL. Blah. I can't get into all of it. I want to. But it’s SO MUCH! I did enjoy myself. Visiting Alabama left me feeling all mixed up. I want more, I'm confused, I'm scared. Surprisingly though, I'm not angry. I used to try to keep people anonymous for the sake of their privacy. And I was also a bit ashamed to let the world know that I was still dealing with some 'issues'. But screw that. This issue brought himself into the picture. So, I shall vent about it.

The last real thing that he said to me was, "I don't give a damn about you or what you do." Cool. You don't care? Then you don't care. Don't bother to contact me again. Don't bother thinking about even FORMING your lips to say my name again. A couple of days later, I find out he has a girlfriend. Mind you, I was in his bed two weeks prior. But that’s a WHOLE other story that’s not important. See, my issue with him is not the fact that he was obviously lying to me and obviously her for a long ass time. I'm over that. Shit happens. My issue is the fact that after he said those hateful words to me, he still tried to contact me. The nigga called three times after I moved to VA. He then trusts to send me a message on the Lamebook. (facebook). Why? Don't you remember? You don't give a damn about me. Well, this is where (as Toni likes to refer to him) Fat Fuck reappears in my life:

I went to Alabama to see someone. He flew me down there. We had a party and of course he finds out. And of course he makes his way to the venue. He then tries to TALK TO ME!!!! WTF?!? He calls my name. Wait, he yells my name. I look at him and keep walking. You don't want to talk to me. Remember? The nigga STILL tries to talk. "Oh you can't speak? I thought we were adults." Fuck that. I am an adult. I don't have to like you. And I don't HAVE TO SPEAK TO YOU. I gave in. And I gave him dry yes/no responses to his questions. I finally got aggravated and exploded. I told him to "muthafuckin leave me alone". And I meant it. You don't tell someone that you don't give a damn about them. Especially when you know how much they care (cared) about you and expect everything to be ok when you feel like talking. I swear he has some control issues........... That’s my vent on that.

Now... Onto the real thing that’s been bothering me. The. We go way back. We go back further than any of your brothers. We go back further than any boyfriend that I've had. I know that you care about me. And I care about you. You know that the situation with 'Fat Fuck' has left me a bit 'dry'. I don't want to feel again. I guess I'm scared too. And that is no excuse. (Just like there are no excuses for what happened last Saturday) When I first saw you at the airport, the feeling that I got STARTLED me. And when you hugged me, (I don't know if you noticed or not) I pulled away because I didn't understand what I was feeling. When we were on your couch watching TV on Friday- the little break we took before we went to the mall- and I had my legs on your lap and you were kinda holding them.... I was uncomfortable because I felt so comfortable. It's almost like I was fighting it. I'm scared to feel again. I'm afraid to fall for you in any shape, form, or fashion because I don't want to go through it again. At least not now. I'm not mentally ready for that. I don't think I can handle it. There are so many things going on in my head right now. You think you know, but you have no idea. My days used to be filled with thoughts of him here and there. Now I find myself thinking about you and what you're doing. I don't know what it means. And please don't take it for more than it is- or less. I probably shouldn't be saying this because I KNOW how you feel about me and all this is going to do is confuse you. But its how I feel.

I may lose something good because of my own insecurities, resentment, and fear. But I CAN'T give you what you want from me. I just can't do it. And it’s not fair to you for me to not respond to you when you open up. It's not fair for you to allow your feelings to grow while I fight mine. You're gonna get a girl and I'm gonna kick myself and probably be real upset. But that’s life, right? Whatever is meant to be, in fact, will be.