Confessions of a 25 Year Old Brat

I'm a brat. I know I'm a brat because my father told me all my life. And as I got older and began to date, my boyfriends would tell me. Today, at 25, I have once again been deemed brat.

I'm spoiled.

The tricky part is figuring out where this adjective that I so greatly possess stems from. Let's take it back to the beginning:
* My mom was a single parent up until I was about 9 or 10. However, aunts, uncles, and grandparents raised me.
* Mommy wasn't rich. She worked 3 jobs (no lie) to support us. So, I didn't get everything I wanted.
* But then again, I don't remember going without. Even when the bills weren't paid and we had to get dressed in front of the stove because it was freezing in the house, I thought that was fun and adventurous!!

So, where does this bratty behavior come from?

Case in point: Last night, I got into a discussion with a beau. We had separate views on the situation. I disagreed with him and he with I. Now in the midst of the conversation, I make the comment: "We might as well stop talking about it cuz we're not going to agree."

I didn't really want to stop talking about it! I was just commenting on the fact that we were going to go back and forth all night. So what does beau do? He stops talking. What do I do? I go and curl up on the couch and get into my feelings.

Now, I will admit that I can get boisterous. But when I feel a certain way about something, I FEEL it. I don't talk much. And I don't have strong opinions about much. But when something comes up that I have my mind 100% set on, I defend it to the end. I'm passionate about it. Intense if you will. And that can come off as me getting mad or as said beau so elegantly put it, tripping.

I've always been this way. Should I change it?
(independent, prideful female steps in) No! I don't change for NO ONE!!
(reality steps in) But then again, altering it a bit wouldn't hurt, huh? I need to learn how to disagree without getting so worked up. I get it from my mother. That's why me and her used to bump heads so much. We're just alike.

How does this tie into me being a brat, you ask? See, because I am a brat and like to have my way, I got worked up because he didn't see eye to eye with me. I wasn't mad at him. I just wanted him to see that I was right! lol... And being a brat, when he tried to "break it down" to me, it made me even more strident because I felt that he wasn't listening to me at all.

Sounds like a temper tantrum.

OK. Maybe I'm reading too much into our conversation last night. I'm not as bad as it sounds. Serious. But nonetheless...

Said beau, forgive me for being so intense about the matter. And I will work on my brattitious, spoilicious, unfabulous behavior.

This Can't Be Life

I feel drained. I feel like the world is going on and I am remaining stagnant. I feel like I'm drowning and I need someone to grab my arm. Pull me up. Give me a hand. But this is life. And in life, you don't always get a hand. You don't always get help. You have to make your way on your own.

I feel lost. I feel like I am in a twilight zone. OK God. I'm where I'm supposed to be. But am I really? Something isn't right. This isn't how I pictured my life at 25. But then again, a few years ago, I couldn't see my life past that day. I didn't want to see my life past that day.

I want so bad to just gather everything and move. But even that will be a headache. And once again, I'll be running from my life. I'm good at that. I'm the master at reinventing myself. I'm the master at uprooting my life when things go haywire. I feel like its time to move again.

Is this the result of being a military brat? I just don't know about anything. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I had so many plans for my life. But how do I go about obtaining them? How do I get out of this hell that I'm in at the moment?

How do I activate what is on the inside of me? I can give out advice all day. Words of encouragement. But how do I swallow the pill myself?

It's so easy to spruce up a resume, send it out, go on an interview and get a job. But I don't want to be miserable for more money. But hey, it's America. Who said happiness was important when it came to survival? Just do it. Just go out there, find a job that pays more money. Spend another year working for someone else only to find out that you really aren't making more money. You really haven't climbed up the ladder.

I must be PMSing. I'm in a terrible mood.

Daydream

the phone rings
and i ignore it

emails flood my inbox
all unread

deadlines approaching
tons of commotion


yet and still
i sit and look out my window

daydreaming
of
something

better

This is It!

I'm sitting in my office looking at asset provider statements, listening to Israel & New Breed (thanks for the CD! ;p) when my co-worker comes and says, "You wanna hear something crazy?" So, of course I say, yes. He always has some wacky, crazy story to tell me early in the AM. His response was scarier than any story that he's ever told me. He said,

"It's almost August."

OMG! Are you kidding me?

Where did this year go?? And what did I do with it? This is the year of new beginnings. What do I have to show for it? What new beginnings have arisen in my life? We are over the half way mark in 2008. In a little over 4 months, this year will be over with. Done. Complete. Finished. Gone. Forever.

I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I've been lolly gagging, kicking my feet, playing around. I can't do it ANOTHER DAY. I declare and decree that today is the LAST DAY that I don't live this life on purpose. Today is the LAST DAY that I don't wake up and seek God's face and realize that my life really does depend on Him.

This is a serious matter. God has a bounty of blessings for me. But I have to tap into Him. I have to seek Him. I have to ask. I have to live right. And I don't mean by not having sex, no drinking, smoking, cursing... I already have that down. But my prayer life and my relationship with Him have to be better. I need to get rid of the distractions in my life that stop me from meditating on the Word. Don't just read it. Meditate on it. Study it until it becomes real to me.

I'm going to get my new beginning and all that in entails. I don't want just a piece of it. I've noticed bits and pieces. My relationships have shifted and transitioned. And I truly believe that it is all God. Work on me Lord. Work on me so that I can be used to bless others around me.

Declaration. This is it.

Heartbroken!!!

Pharrell has a baby on the way. Are you freaking kidding me????


10 years!! Down the drain. Love don't live here anymore.





lol... I crack myself up.

Randoms...

• "If we had a daughter, guess what I would call her? Brooklyn Carter" I love that name. My daughter will be Brooklyn ________. Josie is my other name of choice. That's my grandmother's name.
• Speaking of Brooklyn, I love that freaking song. I would pop in my American Gangster CD, skip to #3, turn it up really loud, and ride out. I think its the beat. And the dude in the back screaming, "HELLOOO BROOKLYYNNN!!!" And of course Jay's flow. And Lil Wayne singing, "Hello Brooklyn, how you doing?" hehe....
• I love songs that are an ode to home. Kanye's "Homecoming" is one of my favorite songs on his album. At first, I really thought he was talking about a chick. Obviously, I paid no attention to the title of the song. "Georgia" by Luda. That was a fav. And who can forget "Sweet Home Alabama"? Ok. I'm partial to that one. ROLL TIDE!!!! =D
• I spent over an hour in the mall yesterday sniffing perfumes. I then decided I didn't want to buy any of them. So, I go to M.A.C., Express, and a few other stores. I do some window shopping and then decide that I do want a smell good. So, I bought it. And I don't think I like it!!!! :(
• I'm such a worrier. L Boogy told me I need to get a back bone. She's right. When did I become this wuss? I used to not care about anything! I think I want to go back to being that person.
• I talked to my friend on the phone last night. It was good to hear from him. I miss his conversation. It's funny how so much can change in a matter of weeks. The construct of our friendship may have changed, but we still love each other. And that makes the bond stronger.
• I'm 25 years old. What I look like running around like a kid? Get your own business. I have mine. Stay out of it. K, thanks!
• I feel like J and B. Form your own opinions. Saints are the paparazzi. Eyes are the flashing lights. Tongues are the mags.
• You never know how many people are watching you until you start to notice them taking down their facades. It's OK to be yourself.
• Has church turned into a social gathering? Get your mind right.
• N-----. I can say it. You can't. Get over it.
• You say that Obama isn't going to change a thing? Think outside of the box. That man has already changed a lot. He single-handedly made it easier for my little brother, and his children, and his children's children to do what he did. That is change. He represents hope. Even if he doesn't make it, he's done so much more than he could have ever imagined.
• What does it really mean to be black in America? I think its funny that all of a sudden, the media, the news, and America is so fascinated with black people. It's like they are in awe that a black man legitimately won the democratic nomination. So, now, they want to explore black people.... I think its funny. It's a bunch of malarkey if you ask me.

Photo Op!

This picture just about sums up me and my friends. Random as ALL get out!!! Gotta love it.






This is us playing Scrabble on the 4th of July. We are concentrating soooo hard!! I lost. G is the champ!!







AW! This is almost everyone. Kim was taking the pic.








This pic is for my hater friend who didn't believe me about the chicken....

There are no Krystals up here!!! I took this pic in Kentucky. This used to be our place to dine after long nights out.

This is me and my Pooh. He is my heart. I can't say no to him. I hope I have a son. We're at some river in KY.

The sexy lady below is my grandma. She is my heart also. Aw! Two of my fav. people in the world.

The Real Thing

I could sit here and write a poem. I could write in "code" just enough to excuse myself from really talking about it. I could bash. I could name call. I could do all kinds of things. But when I think about doing that, it reminds me of how I used to be. I used to retaliate. I used to get even. I was the most vindictive little girl. I knew where to punch you and make it really hurt. I knew how to push those buttons, to the point where you wanted to fight me.

I still do. I still can.

But I won't.

What is the point? All that matters to me is that I am pleasing my God. Blogging about it is still talking/gossiping about it. Telling your best friend is still gossiping. And then, when it has nothing to do with you, why worry about it? It's not your business. It's not your place to speak on it. It's not about you.

See, if we stop getting so wrapped up in other people's lives, our relationships would go a lot more smooth. She did this and he said that. Stop and look at yourself. Have you forgotten about all the times that you fell short. Who made you Jesus? Think about that before you open your mouth to slander someone elses name, email, or blog about someone else's business.

I digress on that note...

LOL! Yes! I am about to talk about myself. After all of that preaching, I'm about to talk about myself. (I'm talking to you. You know who you are. ;p) It took me 3 hours last night to do my hair!!! 3!! And it is still not perfect! I finally gave up and was like, screw it. But I think I did a good job, for the most part. I couldn't take it anymore. The curly fro had to go!!! Maybe I'll only unleash it on the weekends?? Or maybe I'll come up off of $200 and get it braided up.

Be still. It's not as hard to do as I thought. It's not hard to wait on God. It's not hard to be content until he tells me to move. It's not hard because I know that He is almighty. He is all knowing. He has my life in his hands. So, I'll gladly sit like his good little girl. I'm being still.

Family Reunion

I just got back from KY for a family reunion. I miss my family!!!!!! It was so good seeing everyone. There is nothing like fam. No matter where you go or what you do, family will ALWAYS love you. We love one another unconditionally.

That Girl

So, I'm a huge Pharrell Fan. And I used to love this song. So sue me.....

Through the Fire

I got curious to see what was going on in my life exactly two years ago today. I found this post from July 10, 2006:

7.10.2006

I Love to laugh!!!! I can stay on YouTube for hours laughing at stuff. It feels so good to laugh. Ok.. Just felt like sharing that...When the "one" comes along, he and I will both know. He will have no doubts about me. There will be no reason to choose between me and another woman. I never want to end up with a man who is torn between two women or who is entertaining more than one woman and then "chooses" one. I'll be his one and his only. There will be no reason for me to have to ask any questions about his character or the way he lives his life. We will both know. And in that knowing, we will accept one another, full of flaws. I will be 'perfectly flawed' to him and he to I. Some recent observing of other people's situations really had me thinking about this. 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us what love is. I want that. There will be no doubt in my mind that he is the one. He will not put me aside until he is ready. He will not give up on us. He will be in it for the long haul because he loves me and believes in our love. I'm in no rush to find "him." I'm chillin right now- enjoying Tash. But best believe when he comes along, I will know!

Having a blog is one of the best things I could've done. I like being able to go back to a particular time in my life with the click of a mouse. And it is so interesting that I wrote that EXACTLY two years ago. For the most part, I feel the same way. But I know that life doesn't work out the way we want it to. He probably isn't going to look at me and just instantly know. I know that our thoughts are not God's thoughts. Our ways are not His ways. And all too often we lean unto our own understanding. Sometimes we want things to just automatically happen. We want to be able to wave our magic wands and "poof!" the end is here. But, as Pastor Deborah so eloquently put it, we must go through a process.

I take every situation that I'm in as a learning experience. God shows me things about myself in these experiences. And from them, I gain wisdom and understanding. I look back at my life thus far, and most of my experiences involve relationships. What is God trying to get me ready for? And its not just rinky-dink puppy love. It's hard core, raw, junk. I've seen people go off of the deep end. I almost went off the deep end. Even now, I feel like God is dealing with me regarding the relationships that I have with people. And I know its God. He gave me confirmation last night at Bible Teaching. But I understand that I have to go through these experiences to get to where God needs me to be. I'm going to be a blessing to someone else because of them. One by one, they're making me wiser.

At the present moment, I feel like I'm in a situation that is forcing me to open up. It's forcing me to open my mouth and simply speak. It's forcing me to have confidence in the things that I say- not just the things that I write. Its forcing me to stop and take a look at me. Three years ago, I would've looked at it from a selfish/simple point of view- maybe he is going to be my man! But no. Help comes in all shapes, sizes, forms, and gender. Perhaps its as simple as me helping him grow in an area and vice versa.

I need to get some work done.... So I digress....

Don, I got your comment! And you're so right.

In My Mind

It's Wednesday. And I'm so tired. Well, not really tired. Sleepy is more the word. My phone rang at 6am. It was my sorhors calling for our morning prayer. So, I in turn call my other sorhor. So, the four of us are on the phone, having prayer. As soon as one of them said, "yall have a good day" I was knocked out again. I don't even think I pushed the end button. I just rolled over and went to sleep. My alarm goes off at 6:30. UGH!!! 10 more minutes is what I tell myself. I end up waking up 20 minutes later. So, now I'm rushing.

No make-up today. No funky styles with my hair. No contacts. I am roughing it! Thank God I live 10 minutes away from my job. And thank God that we can dress casually every day of the week. If not, I would be messed up today.

I don't know why I like to think I'm grown and try to stay up late. But staying up late is fun... You learn a lot about yourself when you stay up late. Ok, maybe not learn, but you remember a lot. I know me pretty well. And I know how I operate. And when I have to operate in new situations, with new people, I tend to put up a wall. And I didn't realize that I was doing it until it was brought to my attention. I was like, ahhh yes. You're on point with that one.

Sometimes I wish that I could just let go of all my reservations and just let it all out from jump. But that is foolish. It would be foolish of me to jump to conclusions. It would be foolish of me to assume. So I remain quiet and "blog" about it until there is some clarity in the situation.

Pride. That is one area that my Daddy is working on me with. I keep being put in these situations where I have to deal with it. Case in point: I come second to no one. Are you interested in me? Were you interested before? If you were, how are you gonna try to talk to two women who have to work so closely with one another? Had she wanted to develop something more with you, would we still be friends? Did I jump to conclusions in the beginning? What was really going on?

Pride will not allow me to move in any direction until I understand the beginning. The beginning boggles my mind. And its because I didn't understand you. Of course, women talk. So, I know things. I know what was said to whom. I know answers to questions that were asked about me. I know that you genuinely liked her. So, even though nothing was going on between us, we were communicating. And communicating like that could have led to something more. It could have led to curious minds: could this become something more? So, to stop that entire process from happening in my mind, I fell back. Pride. I come second to no one.

To my surprise, he understands me. To my surprise, he reads me better than he thinks he does. To my surprise, I don't mind it when he "tells me about myself." I don't know what's going on. I do know that I enjoy talking to him. I enjoy getting to know him. And if all we're meant to be is friends, that is OK too. I guess time truly will tell.

Get Your Mind Right!

As I grow in the Lord, I notice more challenges. Lately, I've noticed that the people close to me are under attack. The enemy is hitting us from all sides. And its up to us to look past one another. We are not each others enemies. Its deeper than that. And once you realize that, I truly believe you can overcome it. This isn't about flesh and blood. It's not about feelings. It is spiritual warfare. And I pray that we can keep that in mind. We have work to do. This is not about us. And the enemy knows how to get in the middle of that work.

I thank God for my growth because I understand this. I don't let petty things get to me anymore. My purpose is to please God. And He is showing me things every day. He is stripping me of my pride and my selfishness.

But back to the point at hand: I've allowed my praise to be silenced. I did something that I felt bad about. And on Sunday, the incident replayed in my mind. And because I was dwelling on the past, dwelling on something that I repented about, something that God has forgiven me for, I couldn't praise Him. That is a tactic of the enemy. If he can block our praise, he blocks our life line. And all this week, I've noticed that God has been showing me that when I humbled myself and repented, He forgave me. This morning my devotional was about forgetting the things that are behind. I open up my Bible and the scriptures that I happen to read are about pushing forward.

I thank God for his unconditional love every day!!! And I will continue to push forward. I will continue to keep a Kingdom mind and realize that this life is not about me. It's not about you. Don't let your surroundings, what you can physically see, distract you or worry you. God has this. And that is the most reassuring thing in the world!

Get your mind right!!

Side note: I'm having a GREAT hair day!!! =)

My Husband

I've been waiting 10 years for him to realize it.....

"Good Good"

As I was perusing blogs this morning, I came across a link to Ashanti's latest track: "Good Good". It is similar to Missy Elliot's ".... Don't Fail Me Now". I must admit, that was my jam in college. I was like 19 years old. I really just liked the beat. The music was hot. Missy's harmonies were on point. And Tweet's strong soprano added that extra umph that the song needed. Now, Ashanti's "Good Good" is no where near Missy's level when it comes to production and vocals. It's a simple song. It echoes the talentless, pointless, crap that runs ramped on radio and TV.

My problem with the song is the message. See, the problem with our youth and young adults today is that we don't know our worth. We don't realize that we are worth more than sex. We don't realize that we are worth more than being someone's "Bust it Baby". We don't realize that skimpy clothes and weave DO NOT make us beautiful. But see, that is what we see on TV every day. That is what we hear on the radio every day. So, teenagers strive to look like the video girls that their favorite artists are lusting after.

And I know this because I used to look at videos and compare myself. I'll never forget how hurt I was when my boyfriend and I were watching the video for "Say My Name". Beyonce did this thing with her hips and he FELL OUT! Up until that point, I was never insecure about myself. I never compared myself to anyone else. I thought I was the ISH! I could never understand why women got mad about their men looking at untouchable celebrities on TV. But my perfect little world came to an end that day. All of a sudden, I noticed the things that they had that I didn't have. And I wanted it.

So, imagine what young ladies are thinking now. Now they must have that GOOD GOOD to keep a man. Sex will make him stay. Sex will make him want me. Sex will make him want to marry me. Are you serious???? Sex is sex. And everything that she says in that song is all wrong! There is always someone better- no matter what the circumstance is. So, saying that your good loving is going to keep him is naive and stupid. And you would think she would grasp this concept- being a grown woman and all.

Let's also talk about how this is promoting sex before marriage. No, I'm no virgin. Yes, I did some things in my day. But thank God that I'm still here to know that everything that glitters isn't gold. There is a problem with our youth and songs like "Good Good" and "Bust it Baby" are contributing factors. Why can't we "Wait Awhile" anymore? And how you gonna take a song about waiting to have sex and turn it into NASTY, DEGRADING, GARBAGE????? And then have the nerve to say (on BET) that God put you in a position to do what you're doing. Nah, son. SATAN put you in that position. Why in the world would God put someone in a position to promote the opposite of His word?? These artists kill me with that.

Anywho... the point of the matter is- Ashanti, your audience ranges from children to adults. You need to be more mindful of the things that you put out. No, you can't control who buys your albums. But you can control the impact that you have. Realize how much influence you actually have and OWN IT. Do something with it. Make a song about empowering young females. Show them that they don't NEED a man. And they definitely don't need sex to keep one. Show them that they are special and that they shouldn't cast their pearls to swine. Teach them to move on when they've been hurt. Not to kill the dude.

Sigh... I digress.

Yeah Me!

I'm in such a good mood right now! It's weird. Even though gas prices are high, the economy is on the brink of a meltdown, there are issues within my circle of friends, and I'm on medication that makes me want to throw up my insides, I FEEL GREAT!!!!!

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your
hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:7

Keep Pushing

OK. I do want to share.

My eyes have been opened. Everything that I did in the dark has come to light. I was blind. The eyes that I saw the world through were flawed- blocked by selfish views, naive dreams, lustful desires, and hasty thinking.

I had two doors in front of me. I chose the door that led to the hard route. The route encompassed with tears, confusion, frustration, lies, and loneliness. It was lonely because I ignored God. I heard Him plain as day when he said not to turn the car around. I heard him plain as day when he said to leave a certain situation alone. I heard him plain as day when he said to let it go. I heard him plain as day when he said to give it to Him.

I chose the wrong door. But you know what? I still came out on top. Yes, I'm bruised. Yeah, I'm a little broken. Yes, I am suffering the consequences of my actions. But I learned so much. My eyes are wide open. And I see. I truly see. I see now that the life that God delivered me from is not where I want to be. I see now that nothing good can come from that situation. I praise God for loving me enough to grab me by my hair, kicking and screaming, to whisper, "no." I praise God that He STILL loved me even after I found myself back in hell.

I thank God that He showed me what I don't want. I thank God that I now have a clearer understanding of what a man of God is. I thank God that I now have a clearer understanding of what a woman of God is. In all my wrong, I learned. I was rebuked- am still being rebuked. But I take my punishment as love from my Father. Deuteronomy 8:5 says, "Thou shalt also consider in thine heart, that, as a man chasteneth his son, so the LORD thy God chasteneth thee." It's because I am his child that he disciplines me, wipes my tears, kisses me, and tells me that it will be OK. And because of that, I "press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:14)

Mute

This is one of those rare moments where I have nothing to say. I have nothing to vent about. I have nothing to share. I think I'm tired of sharing my world. Well, at least for the moment.

But I will say that God is so good to me. He is so gracious and merciful. He loves me. And I love him more. That's my daddy yall! And no weapon- words, actions, thoughts, plan- formed against me shall prosper. My father is almighty.

Can you say the same about yours?