In My Mind

It's Wednesday. And I'm so tired. Well, not really tired. Sleepy is more the word. My phone rang at 6am. It was my sorhors calling for our morning prayer. So, I in turn call my other sorhor. So, the four of us are on the phone, having prayer. As soon as one of them said, "yall have a good day" I was knocked out again. I don't even think I pushed the end button. I just rolled over and went to sleep. My alarm goes off at 6:30. UGH!!! 10 more minutes is what I tell myself. I end up waking up 20 minutes later. So, now I'm rushing.

No make-up today. No funky styles with my hair. No contacts. I am roughing it! Thank God I live 10 minutes away from my job. And thank God that we can dress casually every day of the week. If not, I would be messed up today.

I don't know why I like to think I'm grown and try to stay up late. But staying up late is fun... You learn a lot about yourself when you stay up late. Ok, maybe not learn, but you remember a lot. I know me pretty well. And I know how I operate. And when I have to operate in new situations, with new people, I tend to put up a wall. And I didn't realize that I was doing it until it was brought to my attention. I was like, ahhh yes. You're on point with that one.

Sometimes I wish that I could just let go of all my reservations and just let it all out from jump. But that is foolish. It would be foolish of me to jump to conclusions. It would be foolish of me to assume. So I remain quiet and "blog" about it until there is some clarity in the situation.

Pride. That is one area that my Daddy is working on me with. I keep being put in these situations where I have to deal with it. Case in point: I come second to no one. Are you interested in me? Were you interested before? If you were, how are you gonna try to talk to two women who have to work so closely with one another? Had she wanted to develop something more with you, would we still be friends? Did I jump to conclusions in the beginning? What was really going on?

Pride will not allow me to move in any direction until I understand the beginning. The beginning boggles my mind. And its because I didn't understand you. Of course, women talk. So, I know things. I know what was said to whom. I know answers to questions that were asked about me. I know that you genuinely liked her. So, even though nothing was going on between us, we were communicating. And communicating like that could have led to something more. It could have led to curious minds: could this become something more? So, to stop that entire process from happening in my mind, I fell back. Pride. I come second to no one.

To my surprise, he understands me. To my surprise, he reads me better than he thinks he does. To my surprise, I don't mind it when he "tells me about myself." I don't know what's going on. I do know that I enjoy talking to him. I enjoy getting to know him. And if all we're meant to be is friends, that is OK too. I guess time truly will tell.