Heaven only KNOWs.....

So, Mr. Legend has his video out for "Heaven", the second song off of his highly anticipated album. I like the song. Its one of my favs. HOWEVER, I have some problems.
Number one. In the song, the sample drives me NUTS! The sample says, "Heaven only know. Heaven only know-oh." Its heaven only KNOWS!!!! That drives me crazy. Have you ever talked to someone who kept using incorrect grammar and you wanted to grab them by the shoulders, shake them, and scream at them that they are saying the wrong words??????
Ok. Maybe you haven't. But it drives me insane!!!! Say it out loud with me. "Heaven only know..." Now say it correctly, "Heaven only knows..." See the difference? That damned Chain Hang Low song drives me nuts to. It sounds like the Harlem Boys Choir singing in Ebonics... "Do yo chain hang low. Do it wobble to and fro...." Or whatever they say. I told my little brother I better not ever hear him singing that dumb song......

Number two. I have issues with this pose that Mr. Legend LOVES to do. At the end of the video, he does the LIP THING!!! LMAO?!?!?!? Make him stop!!! He looks like he's been caught mid sentence or like he is about to kiss you. I dunno. I just need him to PUH-LEASE find a new pose!!!! Where are his people? They are supposed to help him with this.....

See:




You're cute sweety! Smile sometimes!!!!! Anywho, here is the video....

Unknown Caller. Cussed out the Boss.

Just got off work. Blah. I did the most embarrassing thing today. I went to the back and ran into another employee. He could tell I was bothered, so he asked me what was wrong. I replied by telling him EXACTLY what was wrong, using cuss words and all. I referred to my boss as "that woman" and went slap off. I look up and she walks around the corner. I just turned around and walked out. I was angry, embarrassed, and frustrated all in one. I'm just glad to be home. I'm tired. And I miss my friends......

Homecoming weekend was last weekend. And I kept getting this random unknown phone call. I thought it was one of my friends who I gave my number to. But I figured he would've just left a voice mail telling me it was him. I was getting out the shower and I heard my phone ring. I ran to get it and saw that it was the unknown caller. I got to the phone. Pushed the talk button, and then dropped it on the ground like a dumb ass!!!! The freaking phone came a part!!!!! And that was the last I heard from the unknown caller. I was so mad!!!!! Now I'll never know who it was......

I have a headache... I'm through for now

Love. Jones.

I got the damn CD. Finally. I'm a freaking maniac. Honest! It's cool. I guess. You know how you gotta listen to a CD more than once to see if you really like it? Yeah. It's a lot more laid back than his first one though. Still throwbackish. The album is the soundtrack to a lot of people's relationships. Just like the first one. So far I love Save Room, of course... And Heaven. That's a hot one. Kudos to Mr. West. Of course I love "Again" and "Another Again". You usually like the stuff you can relate to.......... Well, the fact that you keep doing something after you said it would end. That's a mutha'.

I was watching Love Jones. Yes, I'm just seeing Love Jones. That was a good movie. I see what all the hype was about. Of course, that was almost 10 years ago and I wouldn't have really understood the movie at 13. It made me think. I'm always thinking. But that and now listening to John Legend's album really has me off in "Tasha land".

Love is so confusing and you CAN NOT explain it. And I really think that's how love is supposed to be. You just can't explain why. OK. Well, you can explain why you love someone or why they make you 'smile with your heart'. But when pure passion is involved, its so inexplicable. And I'm not babbling. I'm speaking from experience. Its like you can't explain why you keep coming back to this person. Why can't you let go? And often times the person is all wrong for you. And probably not what the good Lord wants for you. But you listen to that damned heart of yours. And those feelings. (which is why we should keep our pants up until we get married because you lose sight of what God wants and listen to what YOU want).... Anyway....
Its an addiction. And I know that I've written about this before. But I'm in pure awe of how much power love can have over a person. And then you get tricked into thinking that this must be real and it must be who you're supposed to be with because the feeling is so strong.

Why? I wish you only felt that way for the person you're supposed to be with. Ya know? I hate that.

And with that, I don't like just anyone. I'm picky and usually the person that I end up falling for has this strange power over me. I just get so weak thinking about them. I want to be around him all the time. I get weak thinking about being in his arms. I don't think that you should have to make yourself like a person. If you have to think twice about it, then its not meant to be. That's how I honestly feel. Now don't get me wrong. I did question the guy that I ended up falling head over heels for. My friends had to tell me to give the poor guy a chance. But I don't mean in that way. If you've been conversing with this person for a while and you still have to go back and forth in your head about whether you like him, or if you have to make yourself like him, then it just ain't meant to be.

Love. And when you feel so strongly for someone and there is all this passion, what happens when in the end the other person never felt all of that. I think that's cruel. And crushing. Yeah, sometimes you get orgasms mixed up with real love. But dang. Sometimes you do truly love that person. And I think you know this because after all is said and done, they still linger in your head. You wonder how they're doing. You wonder if your paths will ever cross again. You picture in your mind what it will be like when you do run into one another. And secretly wish that it ends up the way it did in Love Jones.

Love is a mutha'. Ain't it?

A&M. Dreams. Legend

I've officially been accepted to the Graduate School at Alabama A&M. Ain't that something. I honestly had forgotten about it. Its the Education program. Of course, I have to go through interviews and takes these tests on top of it. For a profession that is so under paid, they sure do make it hard for you to get started! Is this what I'm supposed to do? The letter happened to come at a point where I was (am) seriously questioning/doubting what the hell I am supposed to do. We shall see.....

John Legend's CD hits stores tomorrow. I'm so excited. My best friend thinks I've gone absolutely nuts. And she's probably right. I can't get enough of him. He's been visiting radio stations up here and when he sings I get so weak inside. That voice does it for me. Man, I think I'm gonna buy his live albums too. I love it. His voice is so raw. And I had no clue that he is only 27. He was a CHILD when he did that first CD. No wonder he was talking crazy on some of the tracks. He kinds reminds me of.... never mind....

I'm having DREAMS AGAIN!!!!! Well, they never stop. But this person popped up again. When is this cycle going to end? What happens if I'm with my man and fall asleep or something and have one of those crazy dreams and start mumbling names? That would be bad..... I think its my mind's way of disposing of all the garbage. I dream about it to let it out. Cuz I certainly don't talk about it and I definitely don't think about it consciously.

God. Identity.......

Do you ever get mad at God? Well, I do. And I'm not proud of it. Sometimes I get real impatient. I start to compare my life to other people's lives. I get discouraged. And I know I shouldn't. And I really do cry and tell Him how mad I am and how I don't understand. I sit in my room, or in my car, and I openly- OUT LOUD- go off. You'd think I was crazy if you were walking by.... I then calm down and I talk to Him calmly and ask Him to please forgive me. I'm like a little kid. I have fits when things don't go my way. And I know its a part of life. And I KNOW that God has me. I know all of this. I still get discouraged sometimes.....

I'm so glad that I have an identity outside of other things. I went to someone's myspace page today and oh my gosh. First of all, you are 26. Second of all, well, I'm not even gonna go there. Maybe some people really did have to pay to have friends.........

Ugh. I'll write more later. I just got real disgusted......

John Legend. Stress. Job.

I am itching to get my hands on John Legend's new CD. What is this madness???? I used to despise this dude. Honest!! It comes out October 24th. Like Lupe said, I'm in the mood for something real. And I think that this is going to be it. I need some real good soothing soul in my life. Its imperative and way overdue....

I know how to stress. If you have any questions about stress, I'm your girl. When I went to orientation for college, I was so nervouse about getting on the plane, going to AL, and going to college that I broke out in hives. Well, I've done it yet another time. But this time its in the form of psoriasis. Its an extremely MILD case. It's nothing like the disgusting pictures that I saw on the internet. Ohmygoodness!!!! Those things were scary. I broke out when I was in High School. My poor boyfriend at the time. LOL! He didn't know what was going on. But he loved me anyway.... I have to learn to handle my stress better. This is getting out of hand.

I hate my job.
Thats my randomness for today.

What is going on?

They (whoever they are) were so right when they said that you can't run from your problems. They will eventually catch up with you or continue to haunt you. Well, I ran the hell away from one state after I graduated. It may not have seemed this way on the outside, but to me and the people in my circle, they knew that the place was slowly and surely killing me. I graduated and was on my way to a different state in less than 24 hours. No jokes! I really thought that if I removed myself from the situation, that I could get over everything. And I'm so tired of going over what everything is, so I'll pretend that you know.

Well, the current situation doesn't even have to do with why I ran away. But of course, it stems from Alabama. Me and him got extremely close over the summer. Like, talking everyday close. Planning trips to see one another close. Feeling weird if I didn't talk to him close. I went down there to see him. The problems that I ran away from showed their faces and we both let it interfere with "our" trip. We fell out. I left. I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks. I finally called him about two days ago. Everything was going well. We're both on the Lamebook and he left this off the wall funny message on my wall. So I responded back on his and told him "this means war!" You know, just playing around.

Well, I get online this morning and I have this message from him talking about how he wasn't happy to hear from me and how he was going to end it now before he starts leaving really mean vicious comments. He also said that some comments that I made didn't sit with him well.
It was OUT THE BLUE!!!!

I'm through. It's too much. I feel that this is turning into another cycle. I did this cycle thing for two years with someone. I'm not falling into it again.......

Dreams. WaWa

I dream a lot. If something is going on in my life, I will more than likely dream about it. I went through a phase where I dreamed about this one person EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! They were literally hunting me in my dreams. It was crazy. And I swear that every single dream meant something. Well, you know how women PMS? I think I have an emotional cycle also. Every month my emotions go haywire. And its not connected to my cycle. Anywho.. I think I'm going through my emotional cycle right now. Last night I dreamed about water. And this isn't the first time that I did it. Each time that I dreamed about water, I was going through something. So, last night I dreamed that something was over flowing and the water was just flowing through the house. So, today I went and looked up the meaning of water in dreams. It means that you are going through something emotional or sexually. Well, it aint the latter! lol!!!!! Isn't it crazy how whats going on in your everyday life can come out in your dreams like that? I have such an over active mind.......

I am obsessed with Wawa!!! If you don't know, Wawa is a gas station. But its like the Wal-Mart of gas stations!! It has this cool sandwich shop in there with touch screen computers. You use these to make your order! And they have the best Cappuccino! I go there almost EVERY DAY! I have to have a French Vanilla Cappuccino every day. I like it more than Starbucks. And its cheaper too!

Completely RANDOM!

I like Rhianna. She's a cool chick..... What is the plural form of penis? ...... I'm back to having weird dreams again. I promise I think I need to go talk to a psychologist. Or maybe a psychiatrist. I'm sure either would do. I have a very over- active mind. I'm constantly thinking about things. This has its ups and downs. Especially when something is bothering me......

Ok. So if you delete someone as your friend on something, let's say, the LameBook for instance. That means you don't want to be their friend, right? Thought so. Let's see how long it takes for him to ask me for the THIRD time! Get a clue sweety.

I was talking to my worker buddies at work today and we got on the subject of hysterectomies. She said that you loose all "feeling" down there after you have one. I don't think that's true. That can't be true! There would be a whole lot of unhappy women walking around if that were the case......

Yall gotta hit up mediatakeout.com. That website is the funniest thing ever. All it is is a celebrity gossip site. Well, for the most part, its true. They just put it all out there for you. Please check it out. I promise you will get a good laugh.....

I'm through being random. I thought a lighter, happier blog was well over due.

Annoyed.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not a bitter person. I just choose to write when something is bothering me. I had to give that disclaimer before I went on my tangent about certain people. Now that we have that all cleared up.....

Why do people insist on keeping in contact with one another when all they do is piss each other off. Well, in my case, I continue to call and answer phone calls from a certain someone in my past. And EVERYTIME I talk to him, he pisses me off! It's like I am allergic to him or something. Sometimes I try so hard to have a nice pleasant conversation with him. But he always says some stupid outlandish shyt and its over from there. I think I'm a pretty patient person. And I have a great sense of humor. But this one person just pushes my buttons.

And lets not get on his lies! This boy can lie his tail off. That was one of the biggest problems when we were together. Of course, that was a long time ago. So, I figured that maybe he had grown up by now. My mistake. They don't grow out of the lies. The lies just grow with them. I just don't have the patience. I deleted his number out of my phone for like the 18th time. I don't know it by heart. So he shouldn't expect to hear from me at all. And I'm sure his nosey tail is gonna read this. And you'll know I'm talking to you. Yes, I'm serious. I'ma do you like I did 'Fat Fuck'. Stop CALLING ME!

And it may just be me. Maybe I'm just a mean person. I dunno. But there are some people who just shouldn't be friends. It just doesn't work. And you and me don't work.

Man. I'm gonna look around one day and not have a friend left in the world! ha! Sike!

You Blowin it B!

OK. I love B. Who doesn't? Well, I just love the fact that she is trying to break out of that goody-goody image. The songs on her album talk about things that you wouldn't expect to hear come from her. She went from catering to him to throwing the 'kitty kat' around like its a piece of candy.

However, is she taking a bit too far? Now, I am a firm believer in living your life to the fullest without giving a damn about what everyone else thinks of you. HOWEVER, her career is built around her image and of what we see of her. She is making comments about how she makes black music and sings how she talks. What does that mean? Hopefully someone miscontstrued her words. Because quietly, I don't want to be thought of like that when one of her records is played. Some of that stuff sounds plain stupid to be honest. Not all black people WANT to be hood. And not all black people go around talking about their sex lives and how he don't want it no more or how he can't put it down. So please, don't refer to your music as 'black' music. PLEASE!!!!

And yes! The drunk pictures. Lawd Have Mercy.... LOL! I laughed so HARD when I saw them. I think I laughed so hard because they reminded me of my friends. We know how to party and there have plenty of times when we've left the house leaning. HOWEVER, we are not STARS! And our careers don't depend on what statement was made, what dress we wore, or how drunk we got at a party. Wow B. You slipping.....

THE. FAT FUCK. FOR REAL

SO. The way I feel right now is a bit indescribable. A varied series of events have occurred in the past week. They've left my heart so heavy that I haven't been able to write at all. Usually, when something happens, I'm quick to vent. I haven't written in my journal or blogged about anything. That is highly unlike me. I finally feel a bit lighter. Not much though. I'm a big bag of mixed of emotions right now. So bare with me as I try to sort them out....

I went to AL. Blah. I can't get into all of it. I want to. But it’s SO MUCH! I did enjoy myself. Visiting Alabama left me feeling all mixed up. I want more, I'm confused, I'm scared. Surprisingly though, I'm not angry. I used to try to keep people anonymous for the sake of their privacy. And I was also a bit ashamed to let the world know that I was still dealing with some 'issues'. But screw that. This issue brought himself into the picture. So, I shall vent about it.

The last real thing that he said to me was, "I don't give a damn about you or what you do." Cool. You don't care? Then you don't care. Don't bother to contact me again. Don't bother thinking about even FORMING your lips to say my name again. A couple of days later, I find out he has a girlfriend. Mind you, I was in his bed two weeks prior. But that’s a WHOLE other story that’s not important. See, my issue with him is not the fact that he was obviously lying to me and obviously her for a long ass time. I'm over that. Shit happens. My issue is the fact that after he said those hateful words to me, he still tried to contact me. The nigga called three times after I moved to VA. He then trusts to send me a message on the Lamebook. (facebook). Why? Don't you remember? You don't give a damn about me. Well, this is where (as Toni likes to refer to him) Fat Fuck reappears in my life:

I went to Alabama to see someone. He flew me down there. We had a party and of course he finds out. And of course he makes his way to the venue. He then tries to TALK TO ME!!!! WTF?!? He calls my name. Wait, he yells my name. I look at him and keep walking. You don't want to talk to me. Remember? The nigga STILL tries to talk. "Oh you can't speak? I thought we were adults." Fuck that. I am an adult. I don't have to like you. And I don't HAVE TO SPEAK TO YOU. I gave in. And I gave him dry yes/no responses to his questions. I finally got aggravated and exploded. I told him to "muthafuckin leave me alone". And I meant it. You don't tell someone that you don't give a damn about them. Especially when you know how much they care (cared) about you and expect everything to be ok when you feel like talking. I swear he has some control issues........... That’s my vent on that.

Now... Onto the real thing that’s been bothering me. The. We go way back. We go back further than any of your brothers. We go back further than any boyfriend that I've had. I know that you care about me. And I care about you. You know that the situation with 'Fat Fuck' has left me a bit 'dry'. I don't want to feel again. I guess I'm scared too. And that is no excuse. (Just like there are no excuses for what happened last Saturday) When I first saw you at the airport, the feeling that I got STARTLED me. And when you hugged me, (I don't know if you noticed or not) I pulled away because I didn't understand what I was feeling. When we were on your couch watching TV on Friday- the little break we took before we went to the mall- and I had my legs on your lap and you were kinda holding them.... I was uncomfortable because I felt so comfortable. It's almost like I was fighting it. I'm scared to feel again. I'm afraid to fall for you in any shape, form, or fashion because I don't want to go through it again. At least not now. I'm not mentally ready for that. I don't think I can handle it. There are so many things going on in my head right now. You think you know, but you have no idea. My days used to be filled with thoughts of him here and there. Now I find myself thinking about you and what you're doing. I don't know what it means. And please don't take it for more than it is- or less. I probably shouldn't be saying this because I KNOW how you feel about me and all this is going to do is confuse you. But its how I feel.

I may lose something good because of my own insecurities, resentment, and fear. But I CAN'T give you what you want from me. I just can't do it. And it’s not fair to you for me to not respond to you when you open up. It's not fair for you to allow your feelings to grow while I fight mine. You're gonna get a girl and I'm gonna kick myself and probably be real upset. But that’s life, right? Whatever is meant to be, in fact, will be.