The Real Thing: Track 14.

He adores everything about me
From the naps on my head to the lisp in my talk
From the mole above my ear to the chipped polish on my toes
He adores me
I am his queen
He whispers in my ear how beautiful I am to him
And how he wants no one else
He holds me close
So close that our hearts beat in time
I look up at him
And without hesitancy, without any expectations
I tell him I love him
He smiles
And holds me even closer

I adore everything about him
From the gap in his teeth to the freckles on his face
From the way that he walks to the pucker of that top lip
I adore him
He is my king
I walk up behind him and embrace his strong back
I squeeze him tight and he squeezes me back
I tell him how I’m so blessed to have him in my life
And that I’ll love him even through the strife
He turns around and kisses me
A kiss that isn’t about sex
A kiss that isn’t about lust
A kiss full of emotion
Love

Tears fall from my eyes
I look up at him

And then…..

I wake up.

Speak Life

I just wrote two whole blog posts and did not publish them because they were full of complaints and things that I don't understand. But that's what I do! I write about the complexities of my life. But God has been pushing me to speak life into my situations. So, in this post, I'm going to speak life into all of the areas that have me feeling a bit dejected.

I will get a job that is fulfilling to me. I will look forward to going to work. I will learn and excel. I will make enough money to pay all of my bills (on time) and still have more than enough left over to do simple things like: eat, fill my car up, get oil changes, give abundantly to the church, buy those cute shoes that I've had my eye on, and pick up nice things for my boyfriend.

I will be a wonderful girlfriend and he will be a loving boyfriend. We will learn one another's quirks and learn to agree to disagree. He will not be churlish when we have arguments and I will watch the words that come out of my mouth. Our relationship won't feel rushed. We will take this thing day by day and not expect us to be something that we're not. We are us. And us is what makes this thing unique. He will love me for me and not expect me to be what I'm not. And I will do the same in return.

My relationship with the Lord will grow. I will talk to Him and because of my faithfulness and obedience to Him, he will speak so clearly to me that my ears will hear Him every single time. I will go to Him with everything. My life will be a worship to Him. And He in turn will be pleased with me and eager to fill all of the longing within me.

I will figure out what it is that I want to do and I will act on it. I will not continue to follow all of these dreams only to have the door slammed in my face. And if it is, I will have the wisdom to know which ones to walk away from and which to climb through the window for.

I will express myself. Every single message and feeling that I want to convey will flow out of me like rain from the heavens. I won't stumble for the right words to say. I won't be ashamed or scared of what he/she may think. I will get me back. I will be "confident, I don't give a darn" me again.

Get Down Girl, Gone 'head!

I've been taking these long pauses in between posts. I was in a funk. I don't want to dwell on it because I am out of it now. I've been delivered! The hard part is staying that way. It's so easy for us to walk back into something after God has redirected our paths and moved the junk. It's like we're attracted to the madness. God knows what's best and says, "No." But we say, "please! yes!" We're like toddlers. You can tell them to stop touching something until you're blue in the face. They will continue to go after what they want until it hurts them or you hurt them first. So, I'm not going to go back. And I know it's not going to be a piece of cake. I have to continually- like every morning- renew my mind. Pray without ceasing, even when I don't feel like it.

I have some awesome news!! Mystery has named me an "Honest Blogger"!! Whoo hoo! Thanks love!!! That really touches me because I really do put myself out on a limb in this here cyber space. If you were to ever take a gander at my posts from the past, you will see all of the ups and downs, heartaches, joy, and pains that I've gone through. And I'm so glad that my pain can be used to help someone else. So thank you, Mystery.

I'm supposed to nominate 7 other blogs that I think are worthy of this award. Click the link to check them out:

Muze:: I love this girl. I promise you, it's like I know her. She is transparent when she writes. Everything about her is beautiful.
Myowne:: She is as honest as it gets. The way she expresses herself, so clearly and effortlessly, draws me in every time. I love her spirit, the fact that she is a woman of God, trying to live this life the right way.
Talulazoeapple:: She always has interesting posts about everything from movies to men to politics to God. And she gives some good advice. =)
Coffee Rhetoric:: She is real and isn't afraid to say what the deal is. I love reading her posts. They're engaging and funny too.
Mystery:: She is very inspirational. And I can feel what she's going through. When she writes about love and being... well, go read it for yourself. ;)
Don:: This guy is something talented. His poetry is awesome. And his posts are always thought provoking. I miss you Don. Where the heck are you?!?
UrbanCurlz:: I read her daily. She is my hair/fashion/everything else dose for the day! I love reading it!!! My roomie and I come home and share tips that we learned only to find out that we both got them from UrbanCurlz. =)
Eb the Celeb:: OK. So this makes 8. Well, I love her too. She says all the things that I want to say. =)

Ok, next I must list (if I can and or dare) at least ten honest things about myself. Soooo here they are:

1. I LOVE kit kat bars. And I like them to be nice and melted so that the chocolate just rolls off of the scrumptious wafer. So, I'll stick it in my back pocket or sit on it before I eat it. ;)
2. I hate failure, which causes hindrances in other areas of my life.
3. I'm self-conscious and conceited all at the same time. lol! What a combination...
4. I'm no where near where I want to be in my relationship with God. But I'm so glad that He hasn't given up on me. Everyday He lets me know that He loves me.
5. I secretly want to get off of one my ministries at church. I know. I know.....
6. I'm defiant when it comes to dealing with authority that isn't job related or family. You do the math....
7. I love my hair! =)

Tomorrow or Yesterday?

If you had to choose between yesterday and tomorrow, which would you pick and why?

Me being the curious person that I am, I would choose tomorrow. I know what happened yesterday. I understand the ins and outs of the events that happened yesterday. And I have no regrets about yesterday. So, because the Lord has so graciously allowed me to see today, I choose to live this day and wake up to tomorrow. I want to know what tomorrow holds. What is in store for me tomorrow? What will I learn tomorrow? What blessings will I see tomorrow? What tests will I pass, or even fail, on tomorrow

Tomorrow represents new. “His mercies are new every day.” Tomorrow I will see new blessings. I will learn new things. I will encounter more obstacles. I will love better. I will be loved better. I will sleep in. =) Tomorrow will be wonderful. Tomorrow is another chance to get it right.

So, if I had to choose, tomorrow is where it’s at.

Which would you pick?

Give Me a Good Laugh

I LOVE to laugh.... this one had me cracking up for about 7 minutes straight....





Watch/LISTEN to dude's reaction... LMBO!!!!

Randomness

• This guy in my office. He is a nice guy. Has a good heart (as far as I know). But when he gets frustrated, he says things that urk me. "Jesus Christ" is his fav. Really dude? One day you gonna call Him and He may just answer you. And he uses the term "b*tch" so loosely. There is a woman in our office who is, well, she's a little different. Nothing wrong with that. But if she makes a mistake, he calls her a "stupid b*tch." It's really quite annoying.

• My love for Christmas has nothing to do with gifts or Jesus. Don't get me wrong. I know that Jesus is the REAL reason for the season. But I thank God almost everyday (it would be a lie to say everyday) for Jesus. So, I don't need a Holiday to do it. But my love for the Christmas season stems from my grandmother. She loves it. She goes buck wild with decorations, inside the house mind you, and its filled with the sounds of family and Motown Christmas songs. Nothing better.

• I had a semi-break down earlier this week and my roomie was so there for me. I love her. Thank you so much for EVERYTHING!!!

• At my church, we have what is called "Leadership". Basically, you're on trial to become a deacon or deaconess. There is this selection process that you must go through. And I made it. EEk!! Scary and exciting all at once. Am I ready to be called "Deaconess FullComplexity"?

• Why does black equal ignorant and rude? On the radio this morning, I heard something that sounded like a chipmunk. It was the "black Alvin the Chipmunk". He was telling the listeners to listen to the Russ Par Morning show because Russ is giving away money. He was cursing and sounded a total mess. That disturbed me. Why can't the "black Alvin the Chipmunk" formulate a declarative sentence without the use of derogatory language???

• Does Chris Brown have a Christmas album? If not, I think he should record one. I love his voice. With his little fine goofy self.

Count Your Blessings

I hope you all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Eat a lot! Laugh a lot! Love a lot!! And please remember to stop and count your blessings. I don't realize how blessed I truly am until something tragic happens to someone close to me. A co-workers son died yesterday. That is so horrible. And it was totally unexpected. I can't imagine what she is going through right now. So, when you feel like life is at its worst, remember- it could be even more worse.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

God Bless.

Have You Seen Me?

Somewhere along the way I lost myself

I'm not sure how and I can't tell you when

But somewhere along the way

I lost myself

$80 jeans, stiletto pumps, a bag to match each fit

That was never me

I was cute in my overalls, flip flops, and a baby Tee

Worrying about my hair, eyeshadow on my lids?

A ponytail and some chapstick was all that I'd give

And with this simplicity I was confident and care free

You get what you got, love me or hate me

But somewhere along the way

I lost myself

BCBG, Nine West, Baker's, Steve Madden

Where did all of this come from?

Louis Vitton, Coach, Prada

MAC eyeshadow and lipgloss

Just a whole lot of

junk

Junk that was suffocating me

Junk that was blinding me

Junk that was turning me into

someone else

Somewhere along the way

I lost myself

Chemical fire cream every 12 weeks

Roller wraps, flat irons

hair so sleek

I did all of this

just for you

to not even acknowledge

the pain that I went through

to become someone else

to become her

just to have you love me less

deeper and deeper

i was drowning

in this sea

suicide

slowly murdering the real me

I'm not sure how i survived

don't know who came to my rescue

but I'm glad i was revived

my life brand new

Somewhere along the way I lost myself
I remember now and can tell you when

But I'm happy to say

that it'll never happen again

You Think You Know

I love the internet. My love of the internet has been fueled by my love for computers. My parents always thought I was going to end up doing something with computers. I just never had the drive. Now I regret it. But back to the internet... The internet is similar to my world. My world, known to me and those around me as "(my name) land" is where my thoughts are free to roam wild. There are no inhibitions. No chains. No judgement. No turning up of noses. No "gasps" made in shock. I can think about anything and everything.

I love "(my name) land". The internet is the same. I can get on and read about anything and everything. I get to become lost in the blogs of those that share the same sentiments as me. When I'm feeling funky, sad, spiritual, goofy, sexy... there is something for it all.

At times, I wish I had kept this blog private. I'm limited.

Don't front.

We all have different sides to us. You will never get to see every side of a person. The you that others know is what you allow them to know. And the me that the blog world knows is only what I've allowed you to read.

There are topics that I would love to write about. There are issues that I want to put in words. But that would be too much. So, I'll continue to live vicariously through others; commenting on experiences that I can relate to; laughing at things that I've been through; and crying with those who are in pain also.

It's not me being fake. It's me protecting those who think they know me.

Maybe one day, I'll unleash another part of me. Maybe I'll just start another blog and post anonymously. Or maybe I'll keep it to myself and my FBD: the only person that I can talk to who doesn't judge me.

We'll see.

FullComplexity

Can I be candid? Can I be honest? Can I be real?
---Of course I can. This is my blog.

I love rainy days
I love watching clouds float by in the sky
I love music that doesn't quite fit in a box
jilly jill
dwele
ms. badu
miles
kelis
coltrane
N.E.R.D.
I see colors when I listen to music
I want my house to reflect my musical tastes
My favorite's always bring to mind deep earth tones
browns
reds
black
oranges
purples
I love to touch
I can lay with you all day long
and not say a single word
Just being near you
hearing you breathe
listening to your heartbeat
is enough for me
I want a house with lots of trees
I love trees
I love nature
I love the fall
I love your lips
I love the way you look at me
I love my complexity

But with that brings intricacy, confusion, and rage
I'm a ball of love, compassion, tears, passion, fears, worship, anger, and happiness
I'm constantly thinking
constantly analyzing
constantly amazed at myself
I fight internal battles that only God knows about
But the aftermath resonates

I believe you pick up on it
I believe you know
I believe you would never do anything to
intentionally hurt me
I believe you would never do anything to
perpetuate this battle

I need you to be understanding
I need you to be here for me
I need you to be
even when you don't feel like it

Selfish
Add that to my repertoire too

I'm trying to understand myself
my motives
my wants
my desires
my heartache
my worship

Where is all of this going?

Could you really be made just for me
I stopped believing
stopped trying
stopped caring

This urgency pulls from inside of me
It causes me to completely loose focus
change courses
and retreat
How can I get past this
Why hasn't it gone away
Women's intuition
The Devil in me
God trying to tell me something
My own evil mind

I'm trying to find
But to ease it all
I'll just think about the fall
the trees
the music
your lips
watch the clouds
paint colors
and cry

this sounds sad, but i'm actually extremely happy. just wanted to add that. =)

And It's Funny You Should Call Today

My roomie emailed me and asked me if everything was ok because I haven't posted anything in a while. Ha! For some reason, I haven't been inspired to write or share. This is bad though because I know for a fact that we learn from one another and we can also overcome from other's testimonies.

Not much has been happening in my life. I'm happy to say that we finally got it together. :) And I really can't imagine it being any other way. It's like all of the madness stopped as soon as we decided that we were just going to be together. Maybe that was the problem the entire time....

My high school sweetheart called me today on my lunch break. He has cancer. I was fine until I typed that last sentence. He has cancer. When he told me, I was flabbergasted and confused. And as he talked, it was amazing to me that the thing that was bothering him the most was an argument that he had with his girlfriend. He said that he was in extreme pain on Sunday and wanted to go to the doctor. But, she insisted that he just go to church. "Maybe you'll feel better," she told him. However, he was fixed on going to the doctor. This prompted a huge argument.

He wanted to know if she was wrong. Geez. These types of subjects are touchy. I told him that she was wrong for trying to force it down his throat. Not even God forces us to worship Him. In Deuteronomy 30:19, God tells us that He has set before us life and death, blessings and cursing. He then told us which one to choose. He simply said, "choose life." So, the option is there. You just have to do it.

I do agree with her that He needs to start attending church regularly. We all need a relationship with God. We have to have it. It's imperative. And there is no way that one can cultivate a healthy relationship without church. I don't care what you believe, what your momma did, or what you heard on the radio. In Ephesians 4:11, it says that He "gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up." How can one hear without a preacher? Romans 10:14.

Ultimately, I told him that his girlfriend is just extremely worried and doesn't know how else to convey that she wants him to put his trust in the fact that God can heal. I told him not to be mad. But I also told him that he needs to pray. He feels wrong because he doesn't have a relationship with God. He feels like he has no right to ask for healing. He asked, "why should God help me when I haven't done anything for Him?" And I told him, "God is not like man." That is the beauty of God. God is love. He is perfect. And He already helped us- when we were far, far, far away from Him, separated by stinky sin, He died on the cross for us. It's already been done. What we have to do is accept the gift. Just receive it and believe.

Once you make up your mind that you want God to take control of your life, let Him in. He will knock. You just have to make the choice.

I then gave him some scriptures and told him to pray. I honestly believe that everything is going to be OK. You wait and see.

My Wish List

I l-o-v-e music. Secular and Gospel. This ruffles the feathers of some. And I don't think that we should listen to any old thing. Some stuff is absolutely ridiculous and I don't want that nonsense in my head. But I know that I will never give up ALL secular music. Not going to happen. And if you have a problem, then click that button at the top right of the window with the "X" on it. =)

Q-Tip's new album: The Renaissance:: I've always loved his music, solo and with A Tribe Called Quest. "Let's Ride" was my fav. Yall remember that? His sound is always so refreshing! His latest single, "Getting Up" is my jam. I love the piano on the track. Not to mention that he is talking about loving his woman.

Feelings that should never end And you respect me like a friend But love me like your man No other could contend

I like to watch everybody gravitate towards you Your magnetic presences make them come thru The same way you got them you got me too

The Foreign Exchange:: I've NEVER heard of them before. But I am so glad I stumbled across them. And they've been out for a minute too. They have a song out called "Daykeeper." I like. Very mellow. Melodic. Vocals are tight. His voice!!!! The album is called, "Leave It All Behind". It's reminiscent of Dwele and Raheem. More Dwele though. I LOVE IT!

Why dont you stay here with me I pray that our morning won't leave Let me keep you Then youll see Dont hide the truth from yourself Its you that i'll love and protect Let me keep you here with me

Ahh, Musiq:: His new album is entitled, "On My Radio." Honestly, I'm not feeling the first single. I don't get it. Who is he trying to appeal to? It's so left field for him. I mean, change is good. It worked for Mr. Legend on "Green Light." But I'm not feeling "Radio" at all. It sounds like he tried too hard. Booo. BUT, "So Beautiful," which is the song that you hear playing right now is MY JAM! AAHH! I love it! Now, this is what I call good Musiq. I'm iffy about his entire album, but I will definitely dish out .99 cents to get that one track off of Itunes.

The music comes in all soft and seductive. And then he croons:

You're my baby, my lover, my lady All night you make me want you It drives me crazy i feel like you were made just for me babe Tell me if you feel the same way cuz it just feels so right I dont wanna waste no time If i had to choose I know im gone always choose to be with you

Girl dont you know you're so beautiful I wanna give all my love to you girl Not
just tonight but the rest of your life I wanna be always here by your side

I see a trend. All of these songs are about a man loving his woman and wanting to be with his woman. No games. No foolishness. No other woman. It's just you and me baby. That's how its supposed to be. =)

New America

pic by Patrick Moberg

On my way to work this morning, I listened to people discuss ignorant comments that have been made to them and their children. It's only been 2 days! My goodness. After discussing the results of the election with her class, one teacher stood up and politely informed her class that, "Barack is more white than black." Huh?? Another woman called into the show and recounted about how a co-worker came up to her and asked, "Are you happy now?"

Are you serious? People are hilarious. If you encounter any ignorance, simply ignore it. Don't snap back. Don't add fuel to the fire. Just smile and walk away. Let them say whatever. It's not going to change a thing. He's in baby! For the next 4 years!

And this brings me to my next mind spill:

How can anyone NOT see the hand of God in all of this?

Look at his background. He was a little black boy who came from a single family home. They weren't rich at all. His grandparents raised him. Statistically, well, you know what statistics say. He shouldn't be where he is. Yet, he managed to come out on top. This guy attended and completed Occidental College, Columbia University, and Harvard Law School. It's like his entire life has been covered up until and for this time.

This man had the WORLD rallying behind him. Who does that? Who has that kind of power? That kind of swagger? That kind of ability to ignite hope in nations near and far? France, Italy, Japan, Africa, Israel.... You'd think that Mr. Barack Obama was running for President of the world! That is nothing but God.

And I say its nothing but God because we don't have the power or ability to accomplish anything on our own. It is in Him that we have our being. Whether you realize it or not. Whether you believe it or not. And if you didn't know, now you know.

I'm excited to see what's in store. I'm excited about change. I'm excited about my generation becoming involved in this America. It's ours also. We should care. We should know what's going on. We need to be a part of every aspect because this is our Nation. This is our America.

As a black woman, I'm excited that we have such a positive, influential black man leading our country. He loves his wife. He takes care of his family. He is educated. He is articulate. He wears a belt! He defied the odds and did something with his life. This makes me so happy because my siblings have the example right there in their faces. There are no excuses. You can succeed. You are someone. You do matter.

Ok. I think I'm done with my Mr. President posts.... for now.

(pics courtesy of The Huffington Post, Nov 4, 2008)

America

Yes, we did.

The significance of what occurred last night is so great that I still can't quite put my psyche around it. We, America, voted a black man into office. We did it. We actually came together and made a change. Obama represents change. He has inspired so many people. He has given hope to those who never thought that their vote counted. They didn't think that they mattered. But last night, all of that changed.


I had a get together at my house. When the announcement was made, we were happy. We were half asleep though, so the joy didn't quite come out. But we understood the significance. I didn't cry. I didn't leap for joy. I sat there in utter awe.


This morning I picked up the phone and called my grandparents. My grandmother's words will always stick with me. She told me that she literally fell to her knees. Can you imagine how big this is for her? My grandmother was born in 1939 in Montgomery, AL. You do the math. She grew up in one of the most raw, racist, and rural states during that time. She lived through it all. She watched Dr. King march through Alabama. She stood by and watched as her brothers and sisters were abused, oppressed and murdered. She knows what it feels like to go to the back of the bus. She knows how it feels to have to use filthy bathrooms that aren't fit for any human being- simply because of the color of her skin. She cleaned up after people, took care of their children. My grandmother lived through it all and I'm so happy that she is alive today to see Barack Obama become our next President.


But you know something? This isn't about black or white. It's not about rich or poor. It's not about Republican or Democrat. And it's not about Obama or McCain. This is about God. And all glory must go to Him. He is the one who appointed Barack for such a time as this. He is the one that opened those doors. He is the one who is going to deliver us from not only the past 8 years, but from years of oppression and captivity of even our minds. We must remain humble and realize who really did this. We don't want to stay in this wilderness.


Aiight. That's my two cents. =)

A change has come.

November 4, 2008

The day is finally here!!

Today marks the end of 8 years. This is the year of new beginnings. And America's new beginning has come. I really feel that God is doing something huge. I'm not worried. We are a chosen people. And God is going to take care of His chosen people, no matter who is elected.

Be anxious for nothing.

1 Peter 5:5

So, I was doing what I do best, blog surfing when I came across Search Me Lord. I understand that if I want to obtain and maintain a relationship with God, that I must seek Him constantly and include Him in my life. That can be as simple as talking to Him. Lately, I've been a little secretive, even with God. (That's an oxymoron because we can't hide anything from God!) But you get my drift. I find myself on websites like Bossip and YBF. There is nothing wrong with these blogs. They crack me up! And I get cute ideas for fits. But, that time could be spent in the Word and meditating on things of God. So, when I came across Search Me Lord, it was like a breath of fresh air.

It's so crazy. When you get in Christ and have been touched by God, it's so hard to go back. Even when my crazy self tries to entertain doing things that I know are wrong, something keeps me from doing it. When I'm on the edge, God pulls me back. (Shout out to Bishop Dukes!)

Anywho... I came across his blog and this scripture was posted:

Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of
you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
"God opposes the proud but
gives grace to the humble"

And then it simply stated that "to be a reconciler, one must be willing to re-think his perspective- to become a learner- maybe even place himself in the shoes of others."

What this says to me is to simply not be proud. Now, I'm speaking from my own situation- which was a disagreement that a friend and I had. When you're proud, you don't want to nor care to hear their perspective. All you care to see is how you would handle the situation and how you see the situation. But God wired us differently. We're not going to agree on everything. We're not going to operate the same way in situations. But in order to maintain a healthy relationship, we have to be willing to drop that pride and humble ourselves enough to step outside of our own box. Try to see it from the other's point of view. It could save you from pointless arguments, headaches, and sleepless nights.

Commencement

I hold on tight with all my might
My heart is in my hand
So hard to let go

I kick, fight, and scream to hold on to this piece of me
The inner parts, the secret places
I'm reluctant to let you to see

This fear that I have stems from deep inside
Insecurities and experiences mixed with pride
I've gone on this long, just getting by
At the end of failed relationships
I sit and cry

I ask God to help me
Show me my self
Get rid of the junk
Clean off the shelf

My first love will be You
No one will block my view
Seeking your face
I know there is a place
Where all that I've ever imagined
will be added unto me
My life a living testimony for this world to see

You want me healthy and happy
I can't be that way without You

So continue to work on me
I'm checking in for surgery

Show me my wrongs
Cleanse my soul
Give me a new life
I want to reach that goal

Our foundation must be You
Plant our feet on solid ground
On Your solid rock I'll stand
Because all other ground is
sinking sand

And from this firm foundation
Our lives will blossom
We'll be pleasant in Your site
Oh how awesome!

As I let down my guard to give my heart away
Even more of me will be given to You
This I do pray

You are the fount of my existence
The source of my life
The peace in my storm
The victory in strife

I love you Lord because you first loved me
I will make you proud
This you'll see

It's Just....

One of those days.

I wanna cry.

But I can't.

Loving Me for Me

BOOO!!!! I couldn't get through the book! lol! I am the worst! Me and my roomie began reading the book at the same time and both gave up after chapter 2! Sigh... I will try to push my way through it. But the way T.D. Jakes writes annoys me. Just cut to the chase! Leave all of the metaphors and round-abouts out! Anywho... I was feeling my hair this morning and decided to give myself a photo shoot on the way to work and in the office. LOL! I love me:

Yes, We Will

So, I know I said I was done with blogging for a minute. But I had to post this. Love it. Her outfit that is.

On Hiatus

I'm taking a break.

I just bought T.D. Jakes "Before You Do". Any and all free time will be spent on that. I may do a write up on different chapters, maybe a reflection. But that's about it. I need a break.

But don't forget about me!! I shall return! lol....

It's The God in Me

You think I'm so fresh. You think I'm so clean. You think I'm so sweet. What is
it you think you see? It's the God in me.

Sometimes I do want to cuss you out. Sometimes I want to run you off the road. But what you get is a beautiful young woman who is going through the same trials and tribulations as you. However, I'm learning everyday with a smile on my face. You think you see me, but trust, it's the God in me.

This is my JAM!!!! OMG! Oh yeah, the song is called, "God in Me" by Mary Mary.

If I Were A Boy

If the tables were turned, how would you feel if I popped up with gifts, your favorite dish, kisses and hugs? How would you feel if I held you tight, talked with you all night? How would you feel if I asked you out on a date, made dinner, sat with you and ate? How would you feel if after all that I tell you that you're nothing more than a friend, who I happen to do other things with? That things could never go back to where they were. So, what in the world was all of that for?

The Craziest Night!

You will not believe the weekend I had! Ok, actually, the Sunday night that I had. I wish I had my usb cord for my camera. (Of course I have pics).

Let's start from the very beginning, a very good place to start. (tid bit of the day: that's from The Sound of Music)

OK. Flash back about two weeks ago. Let's call him John. John comes back into my life. I'm happy that John is back. John and I had a talk and I told him that I wanted us to focus on being cool and just enjoying one another. I said that I just wanted things to flow with us without any pressure. When I said that, I didn't mean I wanted us to be just friends. I explained that to him. I meant that I didn't want us to worry about unforseen things or problems that may arise until the problem actually happens.

So, that's what we do. We see each other throughout the week, hugs, kisses, emails, texts..... Last Wednesday I decided to join leadership at my church. It's this huge process and there is this booklet of questions that you have to answer.

One of the questions asked: "Are you dating anyone in the church, and if so, who?"

OK. I've been seeing John. Now, we haven't been hanging out on some, "this is my boy" level. It's one on one time.

At work the next day, we're emailing one another. And I ask John if he had a problem with me putting his name down. John tells me that had it been a few months ago, it wouldn't have been a problem. But now, since we're just cool and have no title, he minds.

??????????

OK. So, before I got into my feelings, I tried to see it from his point of view. But I'm thinking, we kissinig, holding one another, spening time together, and all you see me as is cool!? OK then. We're JUST "cool". If we are just "cool", I don't want you kissing me, don't buy me things, don't be up under me. I don't do that with men I'm just "cool" with.

Yesterday, I went to his house because I told him that we needed to talk. I admit, I shouldn't have done it that way because "we need to talk" sounds like doom. But I assured him that it wasn't bad. It wasn't supposed to be.

I just wanted to know why he was being affectionate towards me, why we were doing what we were doing, but yet and still just "cool." Regardless of whether we say we are "dating", we are still spending one on one time together- doing things that friends don't do. So, why can't I put your name on the sheet?

Are you trying to hide the fact that we are seeing one another again? Are you "cool" with someone else in the church? What is it?

WELL... this turned into an all out argument. We started going back and forth about stuff I don't even remember. Blew my mind! Dude! All I wanted to know was why you considered us just "cool" because OBVIOUSLY I feel stronger than that for you.

But me being who I am, instead of just coming out and saying, "John, I really care about you and I don't want to be just cool," I had to see where his head was at first. And this caused all hell to break loose.

So after going back and forth, we sit there in silence. I'm not mad and I don't want us to be mad at one another. So, not knowing how to go about "moving right along" to something else, I just stared at him. I know it sounds silly. But I just stared. Maybe he'll turn and look. Maybe he'll acknowledge me. NOTHING. He sits there staring at the TV, flipping channels. I ask him what his plans were for his day off. Simple short answer.

So, I bring this to his attention and it causes ANOTHER argument. He didn't understand why I didn't like the fact that we are just sitting there in silence after an argument.

Finally, I ended up leaving. My friend, TJ, was at our friend TT's house. She had my wallet and I had to go and get it from her. So, he walks me out and I leave.

But the story doesn't end there!!!

I get to my friends house. All of my other girls are there. But I'm just not in the mood to hang out. And I really don't feel like explaining why I'm in such a bad mood. So, I say to everyone, "I'm about to go." I then tell TJ to give me my wallet. My wallet is in her car, which is parked on the street in visitor parking. So, she gets in the car with me and we ride to her car. Shortly after that, everyone else leaves.

TJ can see that something is bothering me. "What's wrong?"

I look at TJ and just spill all the beans. I turn my car off, turn on the hazards, but neglect to turn off the lights. So, after about 30-45 minutes of talking, the lights on the inside of my car start flashing. I try to turn the car on and all I hear is,

"click click click"

You've got to be kidding me.

The freaking battery died! I immediately pull out my phone and call TT. TT isn't answering her phone. So, we get out of my car and walk back to TT's house in the dark. Her lights are on. Why isn't she answering? I try to get in the house, the door is locked. So, I'm banging on TT's door, screaming her name at her balcony. Nothing. So, me and TJ reluctantly walk back to my car that is sitting in the middle of the road, dead.

I called G. No answer. I call my friend Kyle. No answer. I didn't want to call John because of the argument we had. I just wasn't feeling that. So, after about an hour, G finally calls back. While G is on her way to bring the jumper cables, TT calls me.

"TT! Why aren't you answering my phone calls!! My car died!!" Turns out, TT got locked out of her house and was next door at her neighbors. So, TT, comes. Now, we have myself, TJ, TT, and G standing in the middle of the road.

Suddenly, this guy drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette walks by and says, "You guys need a jump?" He steps right in and handles the situation. So, he is trying to teach me how to jump my car. Mind you, he wreaks of alcohol and smoke. So, in the back of my head, I'm praying that he doesn't blow us all up. He jumps my car. Yeah!

So, I go in my car and pull out a "Come Visit the Harvest" card. That's my church. He looks at it and immediately knows my church and my pastors. He's been there before. Turns out this dude once studied to be a minister. Go figure. So, we talk to him for a while and encourage him to come out to Harvest on Sunday.

WOW. It hits me that God used my situation to minister to this guy. Had I not got into the argument with John, I wouldn't have not wanted to stay at TT's, causing me to take TJ to her car, causing us to sit in my car and talk forever with the lights on, causing my battery to go dead, causing him to stop and help. See how God works? Awesome, huh?

And I praise Him for that.

When I got home at almost 1 in the morning, I sent John a text because I didn't want to call and wake him. I don't want things to end. However, if he does, at least I apologized. At least I tried. I apologize for not listening to him. He isn't to blame. And neither am I. It's not about blaming one another. We just have to learn how to diagree. If someone gets angry, that doesn't mean that its the end. So, I send the text. No response. No nothing. OK. Maybe he'll respond in the morning.

I'm done writing about it. This is stupid. We had an argument. People argue. We should be able to move on after it- not ignore one another.

I'm going to enjoy my half day. Good day people.

Spill the Beans? Nah!!!!

It's Friday! And so many things are on my mind. It doesn't help that it is slow as all get out at the office! So I have nothing but time to sit and think. A co-worker treated me to lunch, such a sweety. That's nothing but God. I'm telling you, He really will supply. He can use people to bless you. Once, this same guy surprised me with Olive Garden. I was having a TERRIBLE day, and when I came back to the office, I had Olive Garden waiting for me. But back to my Friday...

I've written numerous poems. They will all remain drafts for now. I guess sometime down the line, when I feel like sharing, I'll click "publish post." It's one of those things where I feel if I share them, it could open up a can of worms.

Having a blog is like a catch 22. It's great because I love to express myself through writing. It's my release. I also love to share my stories in hopes that they will help others. But the down side to that is that sometimes, the person or situation that I want to write about can check my blog whenever he/she wants. But then again, hehe, folks like to pretend they don't check it when I know darn well that they do everyday.

So, for now, I guess I will have to keep these thoughts to myself. But if you start to see poems popping up on the blog, then you'll know that I've spilled the beans. Don, I'm not ready to spill them just yet!!! =)

Anywho, have a wonderful weekend!

I'ma Stay Saved

The hardest thing for young Christians to do is live a Holy life. In other words, it's hard for us Christians to be Christians! There are so many temptations, distractions, and illusions that we have to fight on the daily. I know for myself, all of the above ring true.

When I started my walk with God, for real for real, I was still dealing with situations from my past. Instead of just walking away, I would find myself trying to carry the past into my present. That never works, especially when your past is anything but Holy. Doing that resulted in a lot of crying and repenting at the altar. But because God is so merciful, I'm still here today. And I can say that I have truly grown.

Now a days, I find that it's the little things that are hard for me to be obedient about.

Respect your mother, regardless of how you think she did you. *sigh* That one is hard. Sometimes she just gets on my nerves!!!

Watch that temper. *sigh* But when I feel like you're not listening and just waiting for me to finish just to disprove my point, I wanna CUSS YOU OUT!!! (whew, I think I need to go pray about that one right now....)

Get off the internet at work. *sigh* But this job is the worst and they don't pay me well anyway!

Don't get angry and pop off at the mouth. *sigh* I know he saw me trying to get over! And why would you pull out in front of me going 35 when clearly I'm doing 65?!?!?

See, those things God wants to take away. We are supposed to be filled with the fruits of the spirit. If we were, we would bear good fruit like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Not jealousy, anger, resentment, vindictiveness, or hatred.

Canton Jones has a song out called, "Stay Saved". I love that song! He said, lol:

I'ma stay saved
When I'm driving on 285 and somebody cut me off and flip me the bird
Im'a stay saved
When I'm playin ball and they foulin ya'll and I hit the floor get up dont
say a word
I'm a stay saved
When I'm walkin through the mall with my wife and somebody still attemptin
to catch her eye
I'ma stay saved
When I go to the refrigerator and somebody done ate my sweet potatoe pie!

I'm a stay saved
aint goin start fussin
I'm a stay saved
aint goin start cussin
I'm a stay saved
Even though I'm hot as fire, I'm gonnna love you anyhow

Anywho.... Pray and ask God to fill you with His love and joy. Ask Him to reveal to you those areas that you need work on. That way, you see the junk that's on the inside. Give it over to God and watch the change. Pretty soon, you'll bear nothing but those fruits. =)

The Dow Sinks... Who Cares?

I don't watch the news. I can't. It's full of depressing stories. The most news I get is from listening to co-workers talk about the Dow crashing.... the price of gas barrels.... etc. I ask questions every now and then to get some clarification when I happen to tune into what they're chatting about. But other than that, I'm out of it.

Today, I decided to join in on the fun. I went to CNN.com to see what all the madness was about. Reading that stuff was like an instant attack to my sanity. I can see why folks are freaking out.

This was a quick conversation that we had about the stock market:

me: "I thought they fixed it."

co-worker: "They thought they did too."

me: "What happened to all that money they gave?"

co-worker: "They lost that too."

me: **hysterical laughter**

co-worker: "It's not funny."

me: "Yes, it is."

co-worker: "No it's not. If it gets too bad, it's going to affect jobs."

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that thousands of people losing their jobs, not being able to pay bills, and struggling to feed their families isn't a laughing matter. What's funny to me is that they are so dependent on this thing. They are fixated with watching the market. Every 10 minutes I hear, "it dropped down to 789!" and then "oh, its back up to 780!"

See, I don't depend on the stock market. I don't depend on the Dow. I don't depend on what Congress says. I don't worry about any of that. I depend on a God who is bigger than any of that. He is alpha and omega. He is the beginning and the end. I have faith in Him. I know that no matter what happens and no matter how bleak things may look to my natural eyes, He is in control. He has me. It's called faith. However, if you're not a Christian, if you have no relationship with Him, that is a hard pill to swallow.

You Did

It's this one thing thats got me tripping.
(Do I keep it to myself?)
It's this one thing, don't want to admit it, you did.
(But it makes sense in my head.)
This one thing that's got me tripping.
(You can't be that stupid.)
It's this one thing you did.
(Can I trust you?)
Oh oh oh.....

Round 1

You know what I've noticed?

The harder I pray and make a connection with God,

the harder the enemy tries to make me a liar.

I will tell God one thing.

And no lie,

less than 24 hours,
something happens that challenges it.

At first I was frustrated.

I had a temper tantrum in the car,

complete with huge tears and ugly sobs.

I wanted to pick up the phone and call grandma.

Pray for me! Tell me what to do!

But no, my child.

Talk to me. Trust me.

So, I picked up my prayer book (yes, as I was driving)

and in between tears and sobs,

I confessed His Word out of my mouth. And I talked to Him.

Satan, you are the worst!!!

But guess what?

You are already defeated.

God will get the glory.

Take that.

Go Through...Fall

We all go through.

We all have situations that hit us and knock us completely off track. Sometimes these problems arrive out of the blue. Sometimes we create the situation. I'm in a situation. I'm in a season. I get frustrated. I feel hopeless at times. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I feel alone. But every time I try to complain or cry, I'm reminded to look up.

Today is October 1st.

This year is just about over with. Where did it go??? 2008 was declared "The Year of New Beginnings". Last New Year's Eve, my Pastor talked about all of the wonderful things that would happen in 2008 and how we were going to step into a new beginning. I just knew my new beginning was going to be a husband, maybe a new job, and some money!

Lol! But 2008 didn't quite go that way.

Instead, I found myself becoming more and more involved in God's Kingdom. I've never gone to church this much in my life! Between Sunday school, church services and ministry, all of my free time is spent at my church. I've even moved closer to the church and further away from my job. That sounds backwards, huh?

But you know what? It makes perfect sense. My life, my entire being is in the Lord. I am nothing without Christ. He is the reason that I have a job. He is the reason that I have a car. He is the reason that I'm able to formulate these thoughts and share them with you. Jesus is the reason. And the least I could do is worship Him and help grow His Kingdom.

I'm single. I don't have a family to tend to. My focus and yours as well should be God's work. Right now, Jesus is my boo. Lol! And when He sees fit to join me with my hubby, He'll do it.

I was becoming weary of the whole "New Beginning". Lord, when I am going to get mine? But you see, I have it. I've become closer to God than I've ever been. I'm still not where He wants me to be. But I'm no where near where I used to be. My life is in God and I finally realize it. Through my situation, I am learning to depend on Him more than I depended on my own parents. My faith is growing. My praise and worship is becoming real. I'm becoming stronger in Him.

Yes, I complain sometimes. At times I feel tired. But this is all for Him. And I know that I will be blessed because of it. God has me. Blessed assurance.

In high school, we did this exercise that was supposed to build our trust in one another. There would be two people. One person was to turn his back to his partner. He was then supposed to cross his hands over his chest, close his eyes, and fall. This was the hardest thing for us to do. Even though we knew our partner was back there waiting to catch us, we were still hesitant to just let go and fall.

That's how we are with God. God has the whole world in His hands. If His eye is on a tiny sparrow, you can be sure that His eye is on you. All we have to do is let it all go, trust God, and fall. But we're afraid. We doubt. Well, what if I let go and this happens? What about my bills? What about rent? How will I eat? But I don't know how to....

NO!

Fall. Let it all go and fall. God's cushion of love, grace, and mercy will catch you and hold you so tight. You'll wonder why it took you so long to trust Him.

Today I declare that I'm walking running deeper into this new beginning. I'm going to run until I run smack into God. I will close my eyes, turn my back to this world and fall.

"The Sound"

Yall!! (Yes, I meant yall. That's the AL coming out. *smiles*) I listened to Mary Mary's new Cd, "The Sound" on Rhapsody. OMG! Mary Mary made their mark as being a Gospel duo with a more secular sound. They incorporated R&B, Jazz, Hip Hop, and even swing into their music.

This latest album continues in that tradition. The album has a sound all its own. The sound ranges from 50s r&b to present day Hip Hop. They even got David Banner on "Superfriend." One standout track is "God in Me" featuring Kierra "Kiki" Sheard. Wow. The flow on the verses sounds extremely similar to The Dream's flow on "I Love Your Girl". They even have the Zapp/T-pain voice thingy going on. You know I liked that... hehe...

Then you have tracks like "Dirt" with an extremely smooth, serene sound reminiscent of smooth soul from the 70s. "It Will All Be Worth It" is the last track on the album and brings everything back home. This track sounds more traditional than the rest of the songs on the album; they belt out and testify that its all worth it and that everything will be all right. And I promise I heard Rance Allen on there. You know him! The guy from the song, "Something about the name Jesus" with Kirk Franklin...

All in all, if you're looking for Gospel music with the classic mass choir singing in the background, this album is NOT for you. If you are progressive, love a good beat, and like to move all the while praising our Lord, then this is definitely the album for you.

Meditate On It

Let your praise outweigh your asking.

This was the topic of my Devotional this morning. Yes, we are to go to God in prayer. Yes, we have not because we ask not. But let your praise OUTWEIGH your asking. If you are constantly asking God to do things for you, chances are you aren't giving Him praise that lets Him know that you trust that He will indeed do it. So, praise God because you know without a doubt that He can and will answer your prayers.

He will supply.

Romans 4:20 - "He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God;"

Friday Ramblings

• I found out last night that it takes money to make money.


• The enemy isn't playing games. He is on his grind. I confessed some things to God. And no lie, two days later, I was a hot mess. The exact opposite was happening.


• Solve this equation: "I like you" + "You like me"= ?
  a. we like one another so are willing to work through anything
  b. we should just be stubborn and prideful and not open up
  c. let's just do the dang thing and be together
  d. yeah, I like you, but it's just not enough


• I'm so feeling my hair right about now. It is just growing and the curls are just popping


• Why do people feel like they have to prove their level of spirituality? I don't have to quote Bible versus or speak in church vernacular to prove myself to anyone. The way I live my life speaks volumes. That urks me. It makes me want to end the conversation when people do that. Anyone can quote the Bible or a gospel song. Even Satan knows the Word. Come on now....


• Why do we delete numbers from our phones knowing that we're gonna find a way to get that number again and text/call the person?


• Why did I talk to my ex for a good minute yesterday.... but not about us! He has become like a big brother/best friend to me. That's crazy, huh?


• I see that you take my kindness for a weakness, my compassion for meekness, and my quietness for naiveness.


• If you want me to open up, attacking me isn't the way to do it. You have to give a little to get a little.


• On the way to work this morning I heard Make Me A Believer by Luther and Fortunate by Maxwell. Man... Those two songs make me......But the video to Fortunate! lol! It still creeps me out. I don't get it... And why at the end do we only see that woman's feet in the bathroom? It's just creepy....

My Refuge

Art by Fred Matthews

Today is one of those days when I wish I had a man. I'm feeling extremely emotional, tired, frustrated, and vulnerable. All I want to do is crawl in my imaginary boyfriend's arms, cry, and feel all of the craziness lift away. He would hug me tightly and let me know that everything is going to be OK. He would kiss my forehead and then each tear that fell from my eye. He would tell me how beautiful I am to him and how much he loves me. I would look up at him and tell him that I love him too. Then we'd both smile, knowing that no matter how hectic the world got, we could find refuge in one another's arms.

But that is a dream. And as I type this, I hear the Lord saying that He wants to be my refuge. He wants to take away the pain.

But I ain't gonna lie.

It's hard.

Quotes of the Day

To get something you never had, you have to do
something you never did.

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not
punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this sentence: The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

Photo Op!

I moved into my apartment on Saturday!! WOO HOO!!! It is an absolutely beautiful place. The whole thing is awesome- full fledged gym, movie theatre, business center, in-door basketball court, swimming pool & jacuzzi..... That place is bad! But I miss home! :( And I really feel like this is taking my faith and trust in God to a whole other level. I've never had to lean on Him the way I do now. So, we shall see....

Two guys from church and another one of my guy friends helped me moved in. They got to my place by 9 and had everything out the door by 10:30. We were finished with everything around 1. Not bad, huh? Anywho...

This picture was taken Sunday night. My Joi Joi and I were supposed to be brainstorming ideas for a production that we're working on, but we decided to take pics instead. That's me sitting on our bump-out in the living room.

That's me and my roomie. We look a hot mess.. so disregard our appearance. But we're still ALL THAT! So don't hate! hehe...Kim was unpacking and I was making fried tortillas and tomato soup. Yum! Isn't my Kimmie beautiful?? =)

This is me and JM "working" on the production ideas that were supposed to be submitted 7 hours earlier. Oops! Isn't my JM beautiful?? =)

Meet Louise and Lupe. I've had Louise since I was three. And yes, they moved in with me. I'm never giving them away!! LOL! I love Cabbage Patch Kids.

And that's it! Randomness at its finest.

Ne-Yo....Pleasantly Surprised

Oh, Ne-Yo. I admit that I was going to sleep on your album. I wasn't even going to give it a second look. But today, I took a chance and listened. And I am highly pleased. It sounds like nothing that is out right now, which is a good thing. It's not typical R&B. It's got a European, Michael Jackson circa Off the Wall, classic, Ne-Yo sound. I like it. Ne-Yoism. Yeah, that's what I'll call it. I get tired of hearing the same ol' stuff. But this is refreshing.

Closer sounds like something that you hear when you walk in Express. They always have that euro-beat music playing all loud, drowning out any and all thoughts.

I have to listen to it again to get a real feel for it. But upon first listen of the album, it's something that I can listen to all the way through. Way to go Ne-Yo!!!

"So You Can Cry" is one of my off the top favorites. He said, "I'll ask the sun to shine away from you today so you can cry." Ne-Yo!!!! That is hot right there. His voice was so beautiful on that track. He made my face squinch up like something smelled bad. lol! That's my, "Um! That sounds good" face.

Ok. That's my 1.5 cents. Going back to work now...

OK... I had to come back and add this: I'll be your boyfriend till this song goes off??? Really??? What foolery is that? *shakes head* I still like the album though.

But I Can't Hear You

I walk into work today and immediately smell syrup. So, I ask two of my co-worker buddies if they smell syrup. They both reply that its the coffee that I smell. Ok. So, i sit at my desk and began my morning ritual. But I still smell syrup!!! So I ask again if anyone had some pancakes, some waffles, some something??? The smell was making me hungry. So, I got up and went to McDonald's and got me some hotcakes. Not bad for 2 dollars. I thought maybe the smell would go away if I actually succumbed to the craving. Nope, I still smell it.

Anywho... on my way to McDonald's I catch Yolanda Adam's Points of Power. They were talking about being in fellowship with God and trusting in Him. I promise you that if you ask God for something, He will give it to you or show you what you need to do in order to get it.

I know that God is real. I know that He is with me. But sometimes, I feel alone. I don't hear Him like I should. I don't trust Him like I should. If I did, I wouldn't get into these situations where I worry and doubt. Think about it. If you had 100% ultimate trust and faith in knowing that your Father is almighty and all powerful and that He has promised to never leave you, you would never worry about a thing.

So, as they were talking, it dawned on me that in order to have complete trust, you have to know the Word of God. How can you trust Him when you know none of His promises? How can you trust someone that you know nothing about? That is an area that I lack in. Yes, I'm doing better now. That's because I realized that in those moments of worry, fear, or doubt that I must confess the word out loud. Yolanda Adams said that sometimes you have to just say the Word over and over again. Life and death lies in the power of the tongue.

God reveals himself to you through His word. It's right there. We all have the power to tap into His promises. We all have the power to have a wonderful relationship with Him- one in which He talks to us and guides us. But that can't happen without some work on our part.

I've been praying for a better relationship. I've been asking God to teach me how to listen to Him. Teach me how to hear You and without a shadow of a doubt know that it is You. Since I've prayed that prayer, God has shown me that I have to read His Word. I have to set out time for Him. I need to confess it and believe it. I need to pray to Him and also simply talk to Him. I also have to praise Him, not just at church. But at home, in my car, even at my desk.

Bottom line: Ask and you definitely will receive. Read the word. Get to know God for yourself.

No Looking Back

Philippians 3:13-14

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do,
forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things
which are before,
I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling
of God in Christ Jesus.

What's your stronghold? What thing has you in bondage? It may not be every day of your life. But what situation, addiction, thought, mentality, or person causes you to struggle? What in your life can't you seem to get over or let go of? What is holding you back from being who God has called you to be? These are all strongholds.

In the dictionary, a stronghold is defined as, "a fortified place or a fortress". In the old testament, a stronghold was a fortified place used as a means of protection. In the new testament, a stronghold is defined as, "arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Satan starts working on building strongholds early on in our lives. He is a crafty little pesk. He also takes his time. Think about the strongholds in your life. Chances are, the root of the problem began years ago. You may not be able to trust because of something someone did to you 10 years ago. You may be addicted to something because of one encounter that you had years ago. Your way of thinking, your thought process, may be a little off because of something that happened in your childhood or simply because of the way you were brought up.

These things take root in our lives and prevent us from moving forward. God can't use us the way He wants to if we have junk blocking our flow.

My stronghold was my mind. There are things that happened to me and situations that I went through that had completely altered the way I thought about myself and my world. I was seeing the world through false lenses. And because I saw the world the way that I wanted to see the world, because I saw myself the way I wanted to see myself, it kept me from realizing who I truly am.

I would find myself in situations that weren't right. And instead of just dealing with it the right way and going to God, I would break my neck trying to make it go my way- because that's the way I saw things. I would worry myself to death! God was telling me, "my child, let go." But I would hang on to the situation with all my might- kicking, screaming, crying- continuing to dig myself into a deeper mental hole. My mind was always all over the place. I let people easily get to me. I didn't have a sense of who I was. And the devil played off of that- for years.

I tried to do the unspeakable a few years back. And its because I didn't know who I was. My mind was messed up. Satan had it out for me. And lately, I found myself back in the same situations, having the same thoughts, feeling the same way.

But let me tell you, because my God is an awesome God, He heard my cry. He saw me when I got down on my knees in full submission to Him. He felt me lay all of my issues out in front of Him. And He gently lifted me up and renewed my mind. God took situations that were meant for my bad, even those that I meant for evil, and worked it out for my good.

You have to recognize the strongholds in your life, present them to God, tell Him that you are a mess and you don't want to be this way. And I guarantee that He will make a way. He will pull you out of whatever it is that is holding you in bondage. You just have to believe.

And once he does it, you CAN'T LOOK BACK. There is no looking back.

Damita Haddon has a song out called, "No Looking Back." She says:

I am leaving this place now
Letting go of all my fears
Saying goodbye to the memories I hold dear
I can finally breathe again
It's a new day, farewell past
As I close this chapter
I say free at last

I made up my mind, there's no turning back
The past is behind me, there's no looking back
I'm looking forward, not behind
I made a decision to give You my life
And there's no looking back.....

That's real right there. Recognize the crap in your life- the things that you know aren't right, the things that are grieving your spirit, the things that you can't shake- and ask God to release you. Ask God to examine you and wash you anew. He can and He will. He did it for me.