In My Mind...

Have you ever had a myriad of contradistinctive emotions flooding your mind? I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I asked God today, "why me?" I know that, in a way, this could've been avoided had I just stayed put. But even still, dang. I'm so tired of this. How do I get through one battle just to go right into another one?

Here are the emotions that I went through on this Sunday:

Remember Kelis' first single, "Caught Out There"? If not, let me refresh your memory: "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! AHHHHH! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!" (Side note, I love her hair and can't wait for mine to get that long =p )

I'm a Christian, but I'm also human, made of flesh. This means that I have to FIGHT to do what is right. My flesh wants to be angry. My flesh wants to floor her upon first sight. My flesh wants to curse him out and throw things. However, my spirit knows that these things are wrong. No good can come from it and I will only be condemning myself. So, when these feelings rise up, I cry out to God like Kevin Levar:

"I want a heart that forgives 

A heart full of love 
One with compassion just like Yours above 
One that overcomes evil with goodness and love 
Like it never happened, never holding a grudge 
I want a heart that forgives that lives and lets live 
One that keeps loving over and over again 
One that men can’t offend 
Because Your Word is within 
One that loves without price, like You Lord Jesus Christ 
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies 
I want to love like You, be like You, just like You did 
I want a heart that forgives"

Then, the raw emotion of genuine hurt sets in. I want to believe in you. But I've been here with you before. I wish I could find the scene in Baby Boy where Jody goes to Yvette's house. However, she wont let him in. He then begins to pound on the locked door, shouting that he is going to do right by her. Then, you see Yvette's hand slowly move towards the door knob, ready to unlock it and let him back in. But then she remembers that he ALWAYS says the same stuff and nothing has changed. That about sums it up for me.




This morning, I talked to God and asked Him to help me forgive. He promptly responded and told  me that I can't hold onto it. I can't judge and I can't condemn. :( But it's so hard. I have so much going on. I know that forgiveness is more of an act of obedience than a feeling. I've made a conscious decision to forgive. However, the pain is still there. What happened is still there. 


A part of me believes him and I do believe that this is the one event that has finally knocked him on his behind. However, when is enough enough? The comment form to this particular post is closed on purpose.


Be blessed.

Forgiving You

*Flips on switch and looks around. Is anybody here?*

As is the case with me, when I'm going through something, I retreat. I have to get my thoughts together and process the situation that is going on in my life. I'm usually an extremely reactive, impulsive person. So, if I were to write in the climax of crap, I would not only embarrass myself, but those involved.

Alas, I finally humbled myself and prayed. Let me tell you, it was the best thing that I could have done for myself. I'm not over the situation completely, but I am a lot better. I have more peace now. Before submitting to God and praying, I was a mess.

Thankful Friday: From St. Michaels

Today's Thankful Friday is coming to you from out of town! =) I'm on a much needed vacation. 

What am I thankful for this week?

1.Vacation. I am having an awesome time: relaxing and not worrying about a thing! We are far away from the world and it feels great. I feel like I'm in the movie, "Why Did I Get Married" minus the husband and the drama. It's just us ladies in a beautiful house with a gorgeous landscape.

2.Memories. I grabbed my camera to download my pics from my media card to my laptop and saw all kinds of things. There were videos on there, pictures of me and friends from 2 years ago, pictures of family.... It was nice to look back and see how far I've come and to think about the things that God has brought me through. It was bitter sweet.

3.Blessings.  I'm thankful that God gives us blessings freely, regardless of if we deserve them or not. We can not work to receive His grace, blessings, forgiveness, or mercy. It's all a gift. We don't deserve it, but our Father graciously blesses us everyday. 

4.Good People. I'm smiling right now, listening to the wonderful women around me tell stories and laugh. It's refreshing. The women here range in age from 50 down to 27. It's nice to sit back and listen to stories and experiences of everyone. We learn from listening to others. Sometimes its nice to sit back and just listen.

All in all, I've had a really good day. :)  Now tell me, what are you thankful for?

Thankful Friday

I'm Walking

On Saturday, I got in my car to run some errands. I turned on 104.1 and got a nice dose of good music. The beat was hot. The melody was catching. The vocals were on point. And to add the cherry on top of the icing on the cake, the message had substance.

Mary Mary has a new single out. It's called, "Walking." This is my song! It's my theme for the last stretch of this year! It sounds like CeCe Peniston meets 2010. I know that's a weird combination, but you have to hear it. Their album is set to drop February 2011. Ahhhh! Why can't it come sooner?

I am a lover of music. When I became serious about the Lord, I wondered how I was going to ever give up my beloved Jay-Z, Three Six Mafia, Beyonce, and the rest. (Yes, I said Three Six Mafia. I'm from Alabama..... Don't ask questions.) But as time went by, my desire to listen to those things quickly dwindled. I do still listen to some secular music. It is not ALL bad. I still think that Jay-Z is #1 in his game. I still adore Beyonce's vocals. And at times, if I catch my little sisters playing some Be, I will stop and do a dance with them, all in fun. However, my world doesn't revolve around that music anymore.

I'm Walking

On Saturday, I got in my car to run some errands. I turned on 104.1 and got a nice dose of good music. The beat was hot. The melody was catching. The vocals were on point. And to add the cherry on top of the icing on the cake, the message had substance.

Mary Mary has a new single out. It's called, "Walking." This is my song! It's my theme for the last stretch of this year! It sounds like CeCe Peniston meets 2010. I know that's a weird combination, but you have to hear it. Their album is set to drop February 2011. Ahhhh! Why can't it come sooner?

I am a lover of music. When I became serious about the Lord, I wondered how I was going to ever give up my beloved Jay-Z, Three Six Mafia, Beyonce, and the rest. (Yes, I said Three Six Mafia. I'm from Alabama..... Don't ask questions.) But as time went by, my desire to listen to those things quickly dwindled. I do still listen to some secular music. It is not ALL bad. I still think that Jay-Z is #1 in his game. I still adore Beyonce's vocals. And at times, if I catch my little sisters playing some Be, I will stop and do a dance with them, all in fun. However, my world doesn't revolve around that music anymore.

In Between the Promise and the Blessing

I don't know where to begin! It's been a couple of days since I posted something meaningful on here. The past few weeks have been hard for me. I'm growing more and more in the Lord. And with that comes pain. Growing pains are no joke. Who ever coined the phrase, "no pain, no gain" knew what they were talking about.

The latest principle that God is teaching me is the element of waiting. Remember how it felt when you asked your parents for something and their response was, "just wait"? Last Wednesday, I had a temper tantrum. I briefly touched on this in my "Thankful Friday."

Thankful Friday

This "Thankful Friday" is late. (Thanks Don for the reminder) I didn't have a dull moment at work today. I really didn't have a dull moment this week. This week I stepped in the ring and fought a round or two. Ugh..... You know the drill: post to follow. But for now, I'll focus on the blessings in my life.

1. Hebrews 13:5 God said that he will never leave me nor forsake me. I had a pretty rough night on Wednesday. An event occurred that had a snowball domino effect on me. As one door of emotions opened, the others followed. I was a hot mess. I won't get into the details right now, but just know that I was one unhappy camper. Well, after I finished unloading my burdens and frustration at the altar (of my heart- this happened in private), God stepped in to let me know that he knows and that he is here. He never ceases to blow my mind. So, I'm so glad that God knows all, sees all, understands us, and will never leave.

2. A shoulder to cry on I didn't literally cry on anyone's shoulder, but I did have encouraging words from people who care about me. Thanks Jen, @mindinae, @minusthebars, @boldintercessor, and @talulazoeapple for your words of encouragement. Every message and email is appreciated. Love you guys!

3. Life We should thank God for waking us up every morning! Did you know that almost two people die each second? Those are some crazy statistics. God carried you throughout your day. There are dangers seen and unseen that he has protected you from. Psalm 91:11 says, for he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. You are one of the fortunate ones to make it through. That alone is enough to offer up a genuine praise.

4. Music I love music. I don't agree with those who say that music is of the Devil. That's foolishness. Music is beautiful and is a gift from God. We are surrounded by talented individuals who have the ability to compose wonderful music. It's when the lyrics get crazy and we start talking about things that don't glorify Jesus that get us into trouble. I won't go into a sermon on this topic because its touchy, I listen to a lot of different types of music, and I just really don't feel like it. haha! But I will say that music has the ability to soothe, break yokes, and minister. 

My thank you's were short and sweet. However, my life would be a hot mess without all of them. Now tell me, what are you thankful for?


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Sleepy.Writer's Itch

I have a free day today!!!

Well, actually, I have a free evening. I don't have to be at church tonight and I have no errands to run. So, hopefully I can get all of this stuff in my mind down on paper; or on the internet in my case. Sunday night as I was driving home from church, God dropped something in my spirit that I need to get out.

Free days are prized treasures for me because they happen so infrequently. When I have a moment, I have to strategically plan out what task I want to accomplish. I need to do my hair also. :(

Let's just hope that sleep doesn't trump all of the above. I'm so tired. I have gotten a total of 9 hours of sleep over the past 48 hours. On top of that, I've been running off of Twix, Snickers, Skittles, and Sweet&Salty Almond Bars from Wal-Mart (those things are FIYA and only $2.00 for a box!) So, my body is mad at me. I just need a good night of sleep.

After I write, if I write, I'm going to turn off my phone, put the ear plugs in, and go straight to bed!

I'm done rambling for now. Be blessed.

Writer's Itch

The journey has been long. It's had its ups and downs, good days and bad days. The good days outweight the bad, however. Sometimes I wake up feeling so down. The longer I lay there, the more the feeling deposits itself into my being. Misery loves company. So I search violently for the CDs and songs that I buried away; the songs that remind me of love, the songs that remind me of what I'm waiting on the Lord for.

Some people ask for money. Others ask for fame. Some people pray for material possessions. My top desire is to have the love of my life. This love

Thankful Friday

It's Friday. Thank God! This week has been a good week: no emotional melt downs (lol), no issues. It's been a week of confirmation, affirmation, and knowing. So, what am I thankful for this week?

1. My Job. All blessings come from the Lord. My job is truly a blessing. God has placed me in an environment in which I am able to learn and grow. In addition, the promotion potential is like none other! :) I know that God placed me here for spiritual reasons as well as natural reasons. In the natural, I have provision for bills, food, etc. But spiritually, I've been put there on assignment. I'm an example to those who don't know Christ. He has also blessed me with a wonderful friend. God plucked me out of Alexandria and placed me in D.C. to work. I happen to work with a woman who is around the same age as me, in love with the lord, and lives FIVE minutes from me. The way that we met was just too perfect for it to not be God. So, thank you lord for this job.

I Have to Check You

Okay. I feel the need to clarify some things, especially since my blog is now linked to my facebook profile. I'm not sure if that was such a smart idea because I am friends with a lot of people on there whom I'd rather not know ANYTHING about my life. But at the same time, I can't hide out and neglect the gift that God has given me. I'm a writer. I write. I'm transparent. My transparency helps others. This isn't something that I made up. This is evidenced from comments on my blog, messages I receive, and even people walking up to me. Not only that, I KNOW that what I do on here every day is a part of where God is leading me. And I will leave it at that.

I shouldn't have to explain myself, but I will.

The last post was not about me venting. It wasn't about me being upset. It wasn't about a girl crying over a lost relationship. The previous post was about the power of God. He cares so much for me and you too. He cared enough to talk to me. He cared enough to respond to something that was going on in my life. I've said it time and time again and I will say it again: God cares about the intricacies of our lives. He isn't a mean ogre living up in the clouds. He is love and he only wants the best for us. He is gracious. He is faithful. He is merciful. He is forgiving. He is my peace, my joy, my strength, my everything.

So, the next time I decide to be as transparent as I was yesterday, remember that it's never about me. It's about what the LORD IS DOING through it.

All things work together for the good of them who love the Lord.... (Romans 8:28). Get your weight up.

Be blessed.
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It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad.... I thought we'd get to see forever, but forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don't know where this road is going to lead. All I know is where we've been and what we've been through.

If we get to see tomorrow I hope it's worth all the wait.
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Thankful Friday

Happy Friday!

It has been a long, heavy week. I rode the emotional rollercoaster this week for sure! One day I was happy and bright eyed. The next I was upset, holding on to the past. I can honestly say that there is only ONE constant in my life. Now, on to what I'm thankful for:

My Health, Short and Sweet

The topic at hand: my health. I meant to write about this, but I never got around to it. I figured that the contents of this particular post may have been TMI (too much information) for my readers. But here is the short abridged version: I got a colonoscopy done.

Thankful Friday

It's Friday!!!!

Today, instead of writing about the lows of my life, I'll talk about the highs. God is not only with me in my valley, but he is with me when I'm on the mountain top as well.

I have so much to be thankful for. I need to incorporate this into my blog. I need to have a "thankful" day; a day in which I only focus on the goodness of the Lord: blessings, grace, mercy, faithfulness, forgiveness, longsuffering....

So, today, I dub Friday, "Thankful Friday". What do I have to be thankful for?

Quickie



pic from Kirk Franklin's album

I realize that my posts have been a bit heavy lately. However, I write from my own experiences. Right now, things have been that way. It's not a bad heavy; more like growing pains.

I'm learning to trust the Lord. When Paul told us in 1 Timothy 6:12 to "fight the good fight of faith," he wasn't talking about fighting others. He was talking about fighting ourselves. We determine whether we want to have faith or not.

Everyday, I have to make a choice. I can choose to believe what the Lord has spoken to me concerning my situation; or I can choose to ignore him and do my own thing.

Maturity comes when we choose to believe. Believing is having faith.

It's a FIGHT because it is unnatural to believe in what we can not see. If the bank called you up right now and told you to come down because you've somehow inherited $5,000 you would probably leave work to claim that money.

Growing in Faith

When God speaks, there is no comma or question mark at the end of the sentence. It is declarative and ends with a period. Often times, we add question marks, semicolons, and comas to the end of what God says because we are trusting in our own understanding. God will tell us to go left; but because we don't want to, because it doesn't make sense, because it doesn't fit into the happy ending that we've concocted, we begin to question it.

Creepy

I'm afraid I have a blog stalker... from Texas.... it's starting to freak me out.

Surgery (Repost)

I open my eyes and I'm laying on an operating table. The bright white from the lamp blinds me as I try to look around to see where I am. I look to my right and see a man standing in full scrub gear with knife in hand, ready to cut on me.

I immediately tense up and try to run. But something is holding me down.

Let Me Explain

I just like this pic...

My open letter to my ex was out of the blue. I rarely openly talk about him on here. If I do talk about our relationship, it's in code, wrapped up in the things that God is doing and showing me in the process.

I must say that I was completely caught off guard by his unexpected appearance in my life.

I see the ex at least twice a week. We belong to the same church. However, there are no words spoken between us. We pass one another without uttering a single word. He is invisible to me and I to him. Well, it was that way until last Tuesday.

The Point of It All....

Dear B,

Responding to the letter that you left me, along with the photos that we took in Williamsburg is pretty much pointless because you have made your decision. However, I have so much to say; there are so many feelings inside of me right now. In the letter, you wrote me to scribble out all of the ways that you showed me that you loved me. Guess what? I was aware of all of that. I am not blind nor am I oblivious to you. I know you pretty well. In the end, the point of it all is that you left me. In a relationship, there are ups and downs. There are points when things are on top of the world, and points where it feels like you're at the bottom of the valley. In our 2 years, those valleys were pretty deep. You felt like I was unhappy with you because I never told you how much I appreciated you. But I did. I told you every single day. However, these ways weren't conveyed in a language that you understood and vice versa. Neither one of us took the time to try to understand the other person's language. And it has resulted in this.

Dear God...

Dear God, 

You are my best friend, my daddy - so I feel that I can be open and honest with you about everything. With that being said, you know the desires of my heart. You said so in your word. You know more about me than I know. You know that I desire a man that is affectionate, open, honest, knows how to show emotion, a ONE WOMAN man, God-fearing and seeking Your face more than me, a man TRULY after your heart, a man who understands me and makes room for me to grow - not one who badgers me and makes me feel horrible about my faults. A man who is secure. A man who isn't ashamed of me, but who realizes the jewel that he has and wants the whole world to know! 

And if he looked like this, it would be even better:

LOL! I'm just saying!

I Worship You

Friday was another confirmation of the work of God in my life.  I'm normally very high-strung, attitudinal, and frustrated when I'm being pulled in 10 different directions; literally! But on this day, I felt a calmness in me.  There was an unusual peace. I know that it was God.

Every since "me and mine" broke up, there has been an almost eerie peace around me. Even on the morning after the break-up happened, I felt a sense of calm. I didn't cry until I got to work and was re-telling the story to a close friend.  Those tears were natural tears felt from the pain of my flesh losing something that has been a part of it for so long.  But deep down inside, there has been a refreshing sense of stillness.

Trust

I'm not really motivated to write at the moment. I have A LOT to say, I however am not sure how I want to go about presenting the information that is in this brain of mine.

I'm going through a test... process... life!

I do know that if I go through it correctly this time, it will stop coming around. I'm ready for the next phase in my life. I'm tired guys.

Trust. Trust. Trust. That 5 letter word has never been more real or true to me than now.

So, I shall leave you with a Bible verse that is getting me through and words from one of my favorite songs:

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3: 5-6

"Just knowing Jesus is worth it all. To rest on His promises is worth it all. I will go where He leads - trust Him and obey. Just to know Jesus is worth it all."

Obedience is Better

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

 

I'm not going to bore you with drawn out details. But I will say this, when God speaks, listen to Him and TRUST Him. A lot of times, the command that God gives you doesn't make since. In my situation, it made no sense. I listened to God the first time. Then, the second time, I gave in and went with what I wanted. I was warned numerous times, but chose to ignore it. But you know what? Because I've decided to trust Him, I have a peace that really surpasses understanding. It's crazy. And I'm so thankful because He could've easily chosen not to be here with me through this situation. I thank God that He is faithful and not like man. I clearly didn't listen to him when He told me through my spiritual leaders and His own Word to keep moving. Even still, after dismissing Him and choosing to go with my "feelings", He has shown me that He is in control and that He is involved. He is even involved in the INTRICATE details of the matter. That blows my mind.

 

How can someone be so loving and faithful? :) It makes me smile.

 

Trust God today with WHATEVER it is that you are going through. He will NEVER steer you wrong. Keep your eyes on Him. Keep your focus on Him.

 

The enemy is crafty and will do what he can to lure you away from the command and the promise that God has given to you. This is why you must remain in prayer and remain connected to God.

 

The energy that you put into being in-tune with that person that you are in love with is the same way that we need to strive to remain connected to God. This world is against us. Every minute, there are visual baits that lure and tempt us. If you're not connected spiritually, you'll fall into the temptation to negate what the Lord has shown you. Before you know it, you've gone left field, your spiritual life is a mess, and you're wondering what went wrong.

 

Obedience. It's better than sacrifice. I did my own thing, and in it I was unhappy and spiritually drowning.

 

I've tried and tested the scripture, 1 Samuel 15:22. Now, I can truly and honestly say that God is faithful. His ways are not are ways. His thoughts are higher than ours.

 

Trust Him. =)

Ponder On this....

What sense does it make to trade in everything you want for someone who gives you nothing that you want?

#fail

Realization #2

"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."

Proverbs 16:18

A Prophet's Profit

"He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet's reward; and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man's reward." 

Matt 10:41

My Sunday started off horribly. I woke up upset because my friend and I had a horrible argument. I made him feel a certain way, and instead of apologizing for making him feel that way, I tried to get him to understand that I didn't mean to make him feel that way. That turned into all out war. We got off of the phone frustrated, mad, and just plain spent. On top of that, I had just gotten a flat tire- with no spare. Which means that I have to come out of pocket. 

What's Your Source?

I keep going through tests and trials. I'm convinced. I know that without a shadow of a doubt that what happened to me yesterday was a test that I failed.

I take the VRE (Virginia Railway Express) to work. Yesterday, I missed the 5:45am train. So, I caught the 6:15am train. I was extremely sleepy and a little loopy because I couldn't seem to go to sleep the night before. The train pulls up to my stop, and I clumsily stumble off the train. I took about ten steps and then realized that I had left my government I.D., my monthly VRE pass, and my metro card on the train. I need my I.D. to gain access to the building in which I work. I need my monthly $234.20 pass to get to and from work. I need my metro card to catch the metro train. So, I'm sure you understand my frustration when I realized I had left it. I turned to get back on the train. The door politely closed in my face. I then spotted one of the conductors getting on the train. I tried to reach her, but those doors closed and it pulled off before I could even let out a yell.

Standing amidst the crowd of employees rushing to make it to work, I stood there dumbfounded. I immediately began to cry. I managed to pull together enough sense to call the VRE office. I reported my items. I then sat on the steps and cried.... and cried... and cried. I tried calling my boyfriend. He couldn't answer because he was on the metrotrain with no service. So, I sat there and cried some more. By the time I got up, I was frustrated, confused, and pissed! This was the icing on top of a cake that's been baking the entire month of August.

Little things like,

"Baby, what's wrong?" or "Is everything ok?" or "You don't sound like yourself..."

are what make a difference.

It's Just One of Them Months....

August has been the roughest month for me this year. 2010 started off exciting for me. My Bishop declared it to be "The Year to Become". In this year, we are expecting to be made into what we are to be from here on out. I interpreted that to becoming what God has called me to be in His kingdom.

I know that seldom anything occurs over night, especially when you're dealing with God's process. He makes sure that you are fully equipped and ready to operate in the capacity in which He has called you. I also know that this requires trials, tests, faith, wisdom, strength, and a good dose of Holy Spirit.

I'm not sure what this month has been about. I don't know if I'm in some type of test. I don't know if this is something that I've brought on myself. But I feel spiritually void. Something is lacking. The more I fight it, the more it fights back. I don't know what "it" is. I'm battling myself.

At the start of this year, I was on a spiritual high. I was constantly in my Word. God was talking to me.... and I was fully aware of it. I could feel myself becoming stronger. But, something happened.

Something shifted and now I'm trying desperately to get back. I'll have a good day: praying, singing, reading my Bible and then literally the next day it seems as though something crazy happens.

I just don't know. I honestly have no clue. I've run out of words to say. Now, my prayer is, "search me, oh Lord." Because I just don't know.

sex.... [gasps] yeah, i said it

When spoken, this three letter word evokes all types of emotions. Some people blush at the word. Others raise their eyebrows in excitement. Some become fidgety and nervous. For me, it evokes curiosity. 
Now, seeing as though I am a Christian who is not ashamed of the Gospel; one who isn't afraid to profess her love for Jesus Christ; one who has written about her faith all throughout her blog, to some of you, this may throw you for a loop. Rightfully so. It would throw me for one too. Regardless, if you choose not to read about my inner thoughts on the three letter word, then kindly hit the back button and go back to where you came from. =)

Learning. Becoming

We had a snow storm here in northern Virginia. I've been stuck in the house since Friday. Church was cancelled today and there is no work for me tomorrow. And get this, the weather man says that more snow is headed our way on Tuesday. Oh joy! (complete sarcasm)

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that mean?

Just got through shoveling my car out of 50 feet of snow!! by myself!!!


rest and then back to blog designing....

Make Over

I'm in the process of re-doing the look of my blog. Please be patient!!!

Leprechaun in Alabama

Got this from my brother this morning. Thanks MK for the laugh of my life!!! This is what the email said:

"T, We are all praying for your people."

LOL! (I'm from Alabama.) Please watch the video. 

Snow..... Snow... Snow....

 

What is wrong with this picture?

72 degrees?

I'm obviously living in the WRONG state!!!!

It's Just Emotions Taking Me Over

emotions are bad because they will have you thinking you want something that you know isn't good for you-
or have you wanting something that has walked away from you-
or have you wanting something that isn't yours


eek.... hormones and emotions.... gotta get a handle on them....

Photo Op!

Look what I found! Oldies but goodies...
My hair has grown SOOO much!!!

What You See.... ISN'T What You Get

"If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

God is such a good God. Yesterday, I was praying before Bible teaching. And I just flat out told the Lord that I wasn't sure if he would make a way for me. I know that I could be further along. I know that certain situations are the way that they are because of me. Why ask for help? I was feeling bogged down. 


I made it to Bible teaching and God did what He does best. He answered me. He spoke directly through my Bishop to me. 2010 is the year to become. To become what? It's the year to become ALL that God said I would be. It marks the year and decade that God proves Himself in me and through me. 


Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Bishop broke that down for us last night. Of course, the devil doesn't want us to have faith. We know that, "without faith it is impossible to please Him." God works via faith. So, if the enemy can kill that, then we're doomed. How does the enemy kill faith? By killing our hope. Faith is the substance of things HOPED for.
The enemy doesn't want us to have faith or hope. When we hope for a new day, hope for better living, hope for help for Haiti, hope for salvation, we are saying that we want these things. We can't see them, but we want them. Faith says that we are believing God for those things which we can not see.

But if we allow the enemy to kill our hope, there will be nothing to have faith for.

Yesterday when I went into prayer before Bible teaching, I was feeling that way. I was losing hope that the Lord could truly help me. I was losing hope that he would turn things around for me. I was listening to the enemy tell me, "Why are you praying? Why are you asking God for help? You've screwed things up! So just don't even bother to pray about it."

But thank God that He is who He is!! God immediately brought that prayer to my mind and all I could do was shout Hallelujah because in that moment I knew that this is still my year. In the natural, things are looking kinda shady. I see relationship issues. I see financial strains. I see bruised hearts. I see almost impossible goals. But spiritually, I know that my faith will take me to the place that God has already set up for me.

I will continue to pray. I will continue to have hope. I will have faith! I will work and watch God meet me. Devil you are a liar. Seriously. You are a pesky, insignificant, defeated liar.

You even threw a dart at me this morning! But its cool. I've got the victory. Guess what? I know who I am.

Walk in victory. Walk in faith. Don't live life according to what you see. Live life according to what God says. =)


Be blessed.

Just a Thought: Misery to Ministry

You know what I've noticed? You are never alone. There is always someone who is going through the same thing, if not worse. There is always someone who can relate to you. It helps to tell your testimony. Turn your trials and test into a testimony! Let your misery become your ministry.


There is a reason why we go through the things that we do. God makes it all out for your good. And when that happens, use that testimony to not only glorify God, but to help bring someone else out too. 


Be blessed.

Photo Op!!!

Triple Threat: Single, Sexy, Saved!!!!

• I have fallen in love with the Lord all over again. And it feels so good!!! "For some reason, I woke up on the right side of the bed. And You were the first thing in my head. I can't complain but I praise You instead, cuz its my day." =)

• It is 60 degrees outside. Absolutely beautiful. Thank You for this wonderful day. 

• I've got a feeling, everything is gonna be alright. ;-)
  

Crazy Weekend!

I have been looking forward to this moment for a week: Sunday evening. :-)

This week has been the busiest week ever! Actually, 2010 has been nonstop. When the clock struck 12 am on January 1st, my feet hit the ground running and I haven't looked back. I have been so busy doing ministry! I told myself last year that I was going to slow down and not do so much. I told myself that I wasn't going to run myself ragged. For the past two weeks, I have spent almost every single night at my church. No lie. I've never been this involved in ministry. It's all behind the scenes. God is doing big things for my church and He has blessed me with the opportunity to work closely with the initiative. I can honestly say that I am enjoying what I'm doing. I just finished a 12 hour day at church. Seriously. I have to be in church at 6:55 in the morning. Church was over with around 1:30. Then, I ran to McDonald's (yuck) for myself and the people that I worked with and we locked ourselves up and got busy. I didn't leave the church until 8pm.

I love it though. Working for the Lord is amazing. You lose yourself in His work. I am a firm believer in the Word," He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." I most definitely want to find it. I want the blessings that have been stored up for me. =)

Now! My crazy weekend..... I have been so delivered from the club and partying. So, I thought. Friday night I went out for my girl's birthday. To make a long story short, we ended up at this restaurant that turns into an all out club at night. We didn't realize it at the time though. Oh my goodness.... I did a little two step here and there, but I knew I wasn't supposed to be up in there. So, the night ends and we go home. Fast forward to Saturday night. I went to an office party with another one of my friends from church. I went and got me a super cute dress. My hair was on point. Feet were on point. Make-up on point. I was fly! lol...

So, we get to the hotel and it is 5-star. The place was absolutely amazing. And the view was breathtaking. It overlooked the Lincoln Memorial and all that stuff. We ate, listened to the nice jazz band cover some songs. And then, DJ Cool gets on the 1s and 2s. It was over!!! We danced. Danced. Danced. I haven't danced like that since- well- my birthday. lol! But that was in the comfort of my own home.  But, to be out and having a good time? I haven't done that in years. We had such a good time!!! When, "It's time for the perculator..." started playing, I turned to my friend and said, "get me out of here!!!"

I can dance ALL night long. I just love music and I love to move. :( Too bad it's seen as wrong from a Christian standpoint.

So, I get back to the crib and I'm chilling trying to get some work done before church in the morning. I'm typing away on my laptop and I hear this scream. It sounded like something out of a horror movie. I turned and looked towards the window. But I figured I was hearing things, so I kept it moving. About 5 minutes later, my friend comes running in my room. She's like, "did you hear that?!?!?" Then, the lady screamed again!

It sounded like someone was being murdered and was crying out for anyone to help. It scared the heeby-jeezy out of us. So, we grabbed the phone and called 911. We describe the horrific screaming that we heard to her and tell her where we live.

In less than 10 minutes, the cops arrive. About three cop cars surrounded the neighborhood. They then set out on foot to see what they could find.

Some time passes and we hear the doorbell. It's the cops! So, we scramble to put on clothes and make ourselves look decent because its 2am. We open the door to two police offers with smirks on their faces.

"Exactly what noise did you hear?"
"We heard a woman screaming at the top of her lungs."
"Were there any audible words? Was it just screaming?"
"No, there were no words. She was just screaming. Just crying out like she needed help."

The police offers look at both of us and then he says,

"We've gotten phone calls like this before. They're actually foxes."
We look at each other perplexed.
"Foxes?"
"Yes, they make high pitched screaming noises when they are mating."

So, we try to explain to them that we clearly heard a woman screaming at the top of her lungs.

The police officers assure us that it's only foxes. They then laugh at us and leave.

So, I decided to go on youtube and check it out. I typed in "foxes screaming." It sounded exactly like what we heard. Wow.

Things like this only happen to me and my friends.

Go on youtube and google it. It's crazy! I wonder why they scream like that.....

Anywho.... I don't feel like sharing anything else. I'm tired.

Be blessed!

Random Wednesday

---This morning on the way to work, I was flipping channels and stopped when I heard, "If I Was Your Girl" by Janet. You remember that song? In the video they did that dance with the arms and the funky foot work? Well, I used to run around my grandmother's house with ponytails swinging in the air singing that song. And I had no clue she was saying, "I'll make you call out my name. I'll ask who it belongs to." I used to just hum the last sentence. Hmmm.... who would've thought???

Forgive

"You know I know this man put a hurtin' on you baby, but you've got to forgive him. No matter what he done, you've got to forgive him - not for him, but for you."

"Forgive him for me? "

"When some body hurts you they take power over you, if you don't forgive them then they keep the power. Forgive him baby and after you forgive him, forgive yourself."

To Do List

It's saturday!!! WAIT! LOL! It's Monday!!!! HA!!!!

1. playing music and cleaning..... relaxing and productive =)
2. have something i need to get off my chest- blog coming today
3. pampering myself!!!!!

Be back soon!

Happy Birthday!

Thank You for another day, another year. This is a new year, a new me, a new season!

Happy Birthday to me!

Okay.. now that I've gotten that out the way....

- Ever seen Diary of a Mad Black Woman? I remember watching that with a friend about two years ago and I turned to him and said, "Why is Tyler Perry getting our hopes up? Things like this only happen in movies!!!" I was really upset because I felt like he was sewing false dreams and hopes. Well, guess what guys... I used to sing that song by Ashanti, "I wanna be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so in love it makes him drop to his knees" And now I don't know how to handle it....

- This is the weirdest feeling. So many emotions. What do you do when the door behind you has closed, the door in front of you has opened, and you're afraid to walk through it? I feel like I'm in limbo. My feet are planted. My body is facing towards 2010. My head still looks back at 2009. My hand is reaching for the open door in front of me. What an image, huh? That's the best way I know to describe how I'm feeling right now.
I just pray and ask God what's going on. What's the catch? And why this way?

-Rest in peace Teddy P!!! Your music will always be one of my favs! It's so good loving somebody when somebody loves you back!!! yeah!!!

-I want to dye my hair back brown. Is my hair gonna break off?

-I'm 27.

-I need to go and see my family. Haven't seen them in two weeks!

-My heart and prayers go out to Haiti and all those who have been affected by it. You're not alone. We support you!

Emotions

I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to scream.
I have so many emotions going through me at the moment.
Some of them are self-inflicted. Others are natural, I guess.
It's okay to feel. It's okay to cry. It's okay to laugh.
It's okay to go on.

What makes a person think that they can treat you any kind of way and then expect a certain reaction from you? My aunt told me, "if a person has your best interests at heart, they will come correct."

ROLL TIDE

Hey Texas!!


We just beat the heck out of you. Rammer Jammer, Yellow Hammer, Give 'em heck, Alabama! 


ROLL TIDE ROLL!!!

So Many Looks Through the Years

I like this one best:

Surgery

I open my eyes and I'm laying on an operating table. The bright white from the lamp blinds me as I try to look around to see where I am. I look to my right and see a man standing in full scrub gear with knife in hand, ready to cut on me.


I immediately tense up and try to run. But something is holding me down.


"This is what you wanted, isn't it?"


Yeah, it's what I wanted. But no one told me it would hurt like this.


"I tried to protect you. I offered you plenty of anesthesia. But every time the opportunity to take it was given, you ignored it. You chose pain instead."


Tears begin to run down my face. I lay there in my puddle of tears realizing that there is no other way to go through this. I've been given plenty of chances. Now, I just have to trust.


"You're going to have pain. But the sufferings that you feel now will not be comparable to the joy that you will have when I'm done with you."


I cry even more. I cry at the fact that my purpose of rejecting the anesthesia was to keep me from this inevitable pain that I'm still going to end up experiencing. There is no need to think back. There is no sense of dwelling. What is done is done.


"Look at Me. Look forward and focus on Me......."


I look up. But things begin to become unclear.... I can't control it. The tears continue to flow. Just before I loose consciousness, I hear the words again,


"Look forward and focus on Me...."


to be continued.......

It's My Time, It's My Turn

I know its so cliche to say that God is up to something.

But seriously. He is up to something.

My Bishop has declared 2010 "The Year to Become". He has spoken some very prophetic words over us. Its up to the people to accept it and receive it. I've done all of the above and then some. It's crazy because well before the new year, I could tell that God was shifting things around. I was slowly starting to lose control.

I didn't realize how much of a control freak I am until about a year and a half ago. I like to be in control of my life. Sure, I'm easy going. I don't plan my days out. I rarely use my daily planner. But when it comes to matters of the heart or things dealing with my emotions, I like to be in control.

When I feel ANY inkling of that control being lost, I freak out. What's funny is that I want God to take over. "Take control of my life!" "Take over, Lord" "Your will be done!" But God can't have His way unless we allow Him to take control.

I have been driving this car for almost 27 years. It's hard handing over the keys, especially when you see a route that you want to take. I saw a journey that I wanted to go on. But instead of allowing God to take the wheel, I have gone around in circles- over and over again. And I'm not just talking about one area. It's been in my finances, career choices, relationships, and my spiritual life.

Deuteronomy 2:2-3: Then we turned and took our journey into the wilderness by the way of the Red sea, as the LORD spake unto me: and we compassed mount Seir many days.

And the LORD spake unto me, saying,

Ye have compassed this mountain long enough: turn you northward

I have been driving around in circles far too long. The journey to no where stops here. The never ending cycle of unhealthy relationships stops here. The halted dreams stop here. This is my year to become ALL that He has called me to be.

I mean, He said it himself:

Philippians 1:6: he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.

I have a purpose. I have destiny. I have a calling. God did not save me from destructive relationships and a lifestyle that was spiraling out of control just to leave me. He began a good work. And like it or not, believe it or not, its going to come to fruition. This is my time. =)