In My Mind...

Have you ever had a myriad of contradistinctive emotions flooding your mind? I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I asked God today, "why me?" I know that, in a way, this could've been avoided had I just stayed put. But even still, dang. I'm so tired of this. How do I get through one battle just to go right into another one?

Here are the emotions that I went through on this Sunday:

Remember Kelis' first single, "Caught Out There"? If not, let me refresh your memory: "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! AHHHHH! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!" (Side note, I love her hair and can't wait for mine to get that long =p )

I'm a Christian, but I'm also human, made of flesh. This means that I have to FIGHT to do what is right. My flesh wants to be angry. My flesh wants to floor her upon first sight. My flesh wants to curse him out and throw things. However, my spirit knows that these things are wrong. No good can come from it and I will only be condemning myself. So, when these feelings rise up, I cry out to God like Kevin Levar:

"I want a heart that forgives 

A heart full of love 
One with compassion just like Yours above 
One that overcomes evil with goodness and love 
Like it never happened, never holding a grudge 
I want a heart that forgives that lives and lets live 
One that keeps loving over and over again 
One that men can’t offend 
Because Your Word is within 
One that loves without price, like You Lord Jesus Christ 
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies 
I want to love like You, be like You, just like You did 
I want a heart that forgives"

Then, the raw emotion of genuine hurt sets in. I want to believe in you. But I've been here with you before. I wish I could find the scene in Baby Boy where Jody goes to Yvette's house. However, she wont let him in. He then begins to pound on the locked door, shouting that he is going to do right by her. Then, you see Yvette's hand slowly move towards the door knob, ready to unlock it and let him back in. But then she remembers that he ALWAYS says the same stuff and nothing has changed. That about sums it up for me.




This morning, I talked to God and asked Him to help me forgive. He promptly responded and told  me that I can't hold onto it. I can't judge and I can't condemn. :( But it's so hard. I have so much going on. I know that forgiveness is more of an act of obedience than a feeling. I've made a conscious decision to forgive. However, the pain is still there. What happened is still there. 


A part of me believes him and I do believe that this is the one event that has finally knocked him on his behind. However, when is enough enough? The comment form to this particular post is closed on purpose.


Be blessed.