Jealousy. Anger. Bitterness. Bondage. Insecurity. Depression. Spiritual lockdown. Stagnation. Judegmentalness.
The words above are just a few results of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness is the root of many issues that we have. Unforgiveness holds us in bondage. As we hold on to that situation or person that has hurt us, we also hold on to the pain. By not releasing them, we allow ourselves to remain stuck. We become stagnant. We think that we are doing ourselves good by not forgiving. We are mean, hateful, and constantly judging the ones that hurt us. But all we're really doing is blocking our own flow and building our own mental jail cell.
I can write about this because I have been holding onto the same hurt for years. I didn't realize just how bad it was until this week.
If you read back through my blog, you will find that I had a turbulent relationship. I was involved with a man whom I loved, but the relationship was toxic. It was a never ending cycle. The same thing kept happening over and over again. For some reason, however, I couldn't stay away.
He hurt me so much. He caused so much pain. He doesn't realize what he did to me. I became insecure. I became bitter. A part of me hated him. But I didn't realize this until last week.
The last straw came in November. He confessed to me that he began a quasi relationship with a member of our church, who also was in our circle of friends. We would all go to her boyfriend's house for cook outs and hang out together. She knew full well about me and him just as we knew full well about her and her ex. As soon as me and him broke up, he began dealing with her.
He tells me about it. (The Lord had already revealed it to me though.) I become upset. I had JUST gotten over dealing with him doing this (repeatedly) with another female in the church. It took me two years to get through that. And then he hits me with this.... We tried to work it out. We cried together. We talked about things. We confessed things. He told me that he didn't pursue her in that way. She was just someone to fill the empty space. I believed him. He told me that he understood what he had done and the pain he caused.
Fast forward to last week.
Last Sunday, my Bishop announces that this Sunday would be the day of release. It was a time for us to truly forgive and let go of all of the people who had done us wrong. Cool. I'm ready to let go; so I thought. On Wednesday, my pastor preached about forgiving and letting go. I go to the altar, I "release" and sit back down. When I get to my seat, I read a text message from a friend. She tells me that the chick that he had a quasi relationship with was at his house at a surprise party that he threw.
Are you serious!? Not to mention that he was just texting me the day before. I was PISSED. He came up to hug me after church that night and I could've spit in his face.
That sparked a week of anger, bitterness, tears, and pure hate. It was bad. The mix of emotions was so intense that my legs burned! I'm not exaggerating.
Isn't it funny that all of this pops up right before the day of release?
I called my best friend Thursday morning and went off! I sat down in the metro and cried. In between sobs, I cried and told her how I felt like he (the ex) was getting away with all of the crap that he has put me through. I was angry because here I am, striving to live right; striving to live a life pleasing to the Lord: praying and reading my word and I am still stuck! I cried because I felt like God was watching me go through and wasn't doing anything about it. I wanted to know where He was!!
In continuing with our week of release, Friday night was our Women's Bible Study. Pastor Deborah began to speak and she went to Psalms 73. In it, David was crying out to the Lord. He was saying the EXACT same thing that I was saying to my friend Thursday morning. David felt like his enemies were triumphing over him. He felt like they were getting away with their dirt. He didn't understand why this was happening. Where was God? David said, "For I was envious at the foolish, when I saw the prosperity of the wicked." I knew it was God speaking directly to me. Later on in the Psalm he says, "Until I went into the sanctuary of God; then understood I their end.....How they are brought into desolation, as in a moment! They are utterly consumed with terrors."
I understood that my perception of the situation was off. God showed me that evil doers WILL not prosper and that I had to let go and forgive because I was blocking my own blessing.
In Proverbs 24: 17-18, God says, "Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth: Lest the Lord see it and it displease him, and he turn away his wrath from him."
If we meddle in the situation and try to get revenge on our own, God will take his hands off of it. In Romans 12:19, God says, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay."
Letting go of deep rooted pain isn't easy. God has all power and can completely deliver us with the blink of an eye. I've cried and asked God to take it away. But I realize that this is something that I'm going to have to work through.
God causes ALL things to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. That means me. :)
Through this situation, I have come to terms with the fact that I have no one else to lean on but Him. No one else can help me. I am clinging to Him like I've never clung to Him before.
Today, I did release. I let go of him, I let go of her, and a few other people that I was holding hostage. That, however, is the easy part. The hard part is walking in it. When I see him, I have to fight those emotions that come over me. When I see her, I have to fight the urge to judge her. When thoughts come up in my mind, I have to cast them down. The Bible says that we are to, "cast down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God."
I can't live another day of my life in this prison that I've built for myself. I can no longer walk around with this heavy burden on me. I refuse to go another day living in chains. I forgive, I let go, I release. I release myself into my destiny. I release myself into the future that God has for me. I release myself into real freedom.
Because I have released, the Lord has released me.
"Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage." Galatians 5:1
For whom the Son sets free, is free indeed. John 8:36
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1 comment:
Amazing and Just on time!
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