In My Mind...

Have you ever had a myriad of contradistinctive emotions flooding your mind? I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I asked God today, "why me?" I know that, in a way, this could've been avoided had I just stayed put. But even still, dang. I'm so tired of this. How do I get through one battle just to go right into another one?

Here are the emotions that I went through on this Sunday:

Remember Kelis' first single, "Caught Out There"? If not, let me refresh your memory: "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! AHHHHH! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!" (Side note, I love her hair and can't wait for mine to get that long =p )

I'm a Christian, but I'm also human, made of flesh. This means that I have to FIGHT to do what is right. My flesh wants to be angry. My flesh wants to floor her upon first sight. My flesh wants to curse him out and throw things. However, my spirit knows that these things are wrong. No good can come from it and I will only be condemning myself. So, when these feelings rise up, I cry out to God like Kevin Levar:

"I want a heart that forgives 

A heart full of love 
One with compassion just like Yours above 
One that overcomes evil with goodness and love 
Like it never happened, never holding a grudge 
I want a heart that forgives that lives and lets live 
One that keeps loving over and over again 
One that men can’t offend 
Because Your Word is within 
One that loves without price, like You Lord Jesus Christ 
I want a heart that loves everybody....even my enemies 
I want to love like You, be like You, just like You did 
I want a heart that forgives"

Then, the raw emotion of genuine hurt sets in. I want to believe in you. But I've been here with you before. I wish I could find the scene in Baby Boy where Jody goes to Yvette's house. However, she wont let him in. He then begins to pound on the locked door, shouting that he is going to do right by her. Then, you see Yvette's hand slowly move towards the door knob, ready to unlock it and let him back in. But then she remembers that he ALWAYS says the same stuff and nothing has changed. That about sums it up for me.




This morning, I talked to God and asked Him to help me forgive. He promptly responded and told  me that I can't hold onto it. I can't judge and I can't condemn. :( But it's so hard. I have so much going on. I know that forgiveness is more of an act of obedience than a feeling. I've made a conscious decision to forgive. However, the pain is still there. What happened is still there. 


A part of me believes him and I do believe that this is the one event that has finally knocked him on his behind. However, when is enough enough? The comment form to this particular post is closed on purpose.


Be blessed.

Forgiving You

*Flips on switch and looks around. Is anybody here?*

As is the case with me, when I'm going through something, I retreat. I have to get my thoughts together and process the situation that is going on in my life. I'm usually an extremely reactive, impulsive person. So, if I were to write in the climax of crap, I would not only embarrass myself, but those involved.

Alas, I finally humbled myself and prayed. Let me tell you, it was the best thing that I could have done for myself. I'm not over the situation completely, but I am a lot better. I have more peace now. Before submitting to God and praying, I was a mess.

Thankful Friday: From St. Michaels

Today's Thankful Friday is coming to you from out of town! =) I'm on a much needed vacation. 

What am I thankful for this week?

1.Vacation. I am having an awesome time: relaxing and not worrying about a thing! We are far away from the world and it feels great. I feel like I'm in the movie, "Why Did I Get Married" minus the husband and the drama. It's just us ladies in a beautiful house with a gorgeous landscape.

2.Memories. I grabbed my camera to download my pics from my media card to my laptop and saw all kinds of things. There were videos on there, pictures of me and friends from 2 years ago, pictures of family.... It was nice to look back and see how far I've come and to think about the things that God has brought me through. It was bitter sweet.

3.Blessings.  I'm thankful that God gives us blessings freely, regardless of if we deserve them or not. We can not work to receive His grace, blessings, forgiveness, or mercy. It's all a gift. We don't deserve it, but our Father graciously blesses us everyday. 

4.Good People. I'm smiling right now, listening to the wonderful women around me tell stories and laugh. It's refreshing. The women here range in age from 50 down to 27. It's nice to sit back and listen to stories and experiences of everyone. We learn from listening to others. Sometimes its nice to sit back and just listen.

All in all, I've had a really good day. :)  Now tell me, what are you thankful for?

Thankful Friday

I'm Walking

On Saturday, I got in my car to run some errands. I turned on 104.1 and got a nice dose of good music. The beat was hot. The melody was catching. The vocals were on point. And to add the cherry on top of the icing on the cake, the message had substance.

Mary Mary has a new single out. It's called, "Walking." This is my song! It's my theme for the last stretch of this year! It sounds like CeCe Peniston meets 2010. I know that's a weird combination, but you have to hear it. Their album is set to drop February 2011. Ahhhh! Why can't it come sooner?

I am a lover of music. When I became serious about the Lord, I wondered how I was going to ever give up my beloved Jay-Z, Three Six Mafia, Beyonce, and the rest. (Yes, I said Three Six Mafia. I'm from Alabama..... Don't ask questions.) But as time went by, my desire to listen to those things quickly dwindled. I do still listen to some secular music. It is not ALL bad. I still think that Jay-Z is #1 in his game. I still adore Beyonce's vocals. And at times, if I catch my little sisters playing some Be, I will stop and do a dance with them, all in fun. However, my world doesn't revolve around that music anymore.

I'm Walking

On Saturday, I got in my car to run some errands. I turned on 104.1 and got a nice dose of good music. The beat was hot. The melody was catching. The vocals were on point. And to add the cherry on top of the icing on the cake, the message had substance.

Mary Mary has a new single out. It's called, "Walking." This is my song! It's my theme for the last stretch of this year! It sounds like CeCe Peniston meets 2010. I know that's a weird combination, but you have to hear it. Their album is set to drop February 2011. Ahhhh! Why can't it come sooner?

I am a lover of music. When I became serious about the Lord, I wondered how I was going to ever give up my beloved Jay-Z, Three Six Mafia, Beyonce, and the rest. (Yes, I said Three Six Mafia. I'm from Alabama..... Don't ask questions.) But as time went by, my desire to listen to those things quickly dwindled. I do still listen to some secular music. It is not ALL bad. I still think that Jay-Z is #1 in his game. I still adore Beyonce's vocals. And at times, if I catch my little sisters playing some Be, I will stop and do a dance with them, all in fun. However, my world doesn't revolve around that music anymore.

In Between the Promise and the Blessing

I don't know where to begin! It's been a couple of days since I posted something meaningful on here. The past few weeks have been hard for me. I'm growing more and more in the Lord. And with that comes pain. Growing pains are no joke. Who ever coined the phrase, "no pain, no gain" knew what they were talking about.

The latest principle that God is teaching me is the element of waiting. Remember how it felt when you asked your parents for something and their response was, "just wait"? Last Wednesday, I had a temper tantrum. I briefly touched on this in my "Thankful Friday."

Thankful Friday

This "Thankful Friday" is late. (Thanks Don for the reminder) I didn't have a dull moment at work today. I really didn't have a dull moment this week. This week I stepped in the ring and fought a round or two. Ugh..... You know the drill: post to follow. But for now, I'll focus on the blessings in my life.

1. Hebrews 13:5 God said that he will never leave me nor forsake me. I had a pretty rough night on Wednesday. An event occurred that had a snowball domino effect on me. As one door of emotions opened, the others followed. I was a hot mess. I won't get into the details right now, but just know that I was one unhappy camper. Well, after I finished unloading my burdens and frustration at the altar (of my heart- this happened in private), God stepped in to let me know that he knows and that he is here. He never ceases to blow my mind. So, I'm so glad that God knows all, sees all, understands us, and will never leave.

2. A shoulder to cry on I didn't literally cry on anyone's shoulder, but I did have encouraging words from people who care about me. Thanks Jen, @mindinae, @minusthebars, @boldintercessor, and @talulazoeapple for your words of encouragement. Every message and email is appreciated. Love you guys!

3. Life We should thank God for waking us up every morning! Did you know that almost two people die each second? Those are some crazy statistics. God carried you throughout your day. There are dangers seen and unseen that he has protected you from. Psalm 91:11 says, for he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. You are one of the fortunate ones to make it through. That alone is enough to offer up a genuine praise.

4. Music I love music. I don't agree with those who say that music is of the Devil. That's foolishness. Music is beautiful and is a gift from God. We are surrounded by talented individuals who have the ability to compose wonderful music. It's when the lyrics get crazy and we start talking about things that don't glorify Jesus that get us into trouble. I won't go into a sermon on this topic because its touchy, I listen to a lot of different types of music, and I just really don't feel like it. haha! But I will say that music has the ability to soothe, break yokes, and minister. 

My thank you's were short and sweet. However, my life would be a hot mess without all of them. Now tell me, what are you thankful for?


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Sleepy.Writer's Itch

I have a free day today!!!

Well, actually, I have a free evening. I don't have to be at church tonight and I have no errands to run. So, hopefully I can get all of this stuff in my mind down on paper; or on the internet in my case. Sunday night as I was driving home from church, God dropped something in my spirit that I need to get out.

Free days are prized treasures for me because they happen so infrequently. When I have a moment, I have to strategically plan out what task I want to accomplish. I need to do my hair also. :(

Let's just hope that sleep doesn't trump all of the above. I'm so tired. I have gotten a total of 9 hours of sleep over the past 48 hours. On top of that, I've been running off of Twix, Snickers, Skittles, and Sweet&Salty Almond Bars from Wal-Mart (those things are FIYA and only $2.00 for a box!) So, my body is mad at me. I just need a good night of sleep.

After I write, if I write, I'm going to turn off my phone, put the ear plugs in, and go straight to bed!

I'm done rambling for now. Be blessed.

Writer's Itch