All I ask

Last night as I was laying in bed, I had an epiphany. Or maybe it was this morning… I realized that I have an issue with not being first. I don’t mean, “first” as in winning or being the best dressed or being the top performer. I mean being first in the lives of people that I put first.

I think back to the major issues that I have had in past relationships and the bottom line in all of them was that I was never put first. I’ve always played second fiddle to someone or something. The only time that I felt like I was number one in my significant other’s life was in high school. Crazy, huh? He and I were each other’s best friends. It was literally just me and him. Yes, he had child hood friends. He had female friends and male friends that he had for nearly 10 years. But when him and I got together, it was him and I.

I miss that.

Let me break it down a little further. When it came down to spending time with me or spending time with the frat, the frat was always chosen. When it came down to hurting the feelings of the random chick that liked my man or hurting my feelings, my feelings were hurt. And then, after he was caught, he wanted to care about me. When it came down to my man expressing himself and being vulnerable with me versus being vulnerable with his ex, he chose her. What about me? Who are you in the relationship with?

I had a conversation with my ex, and he stated that he felt like I always compared him to my friend’s relationship. They are the light in one another’s eyes. Their relationship is all about the other person. She doesn’t have to worry about ex’s. She doesn’t have to worry about random female friends calling the phone. She doesn’t have to worry about him having a hard time letting go of the past. He has never given her a reason to worry or doubt. She has always been number one in his eyes. When they became serious, he didn’t see anyone but her.

No, I’m not in their relationship. No, I don’t know him the way that my friend knows him. But from just being around him, I can see that she is his everything. He isn’t concerned about the crowd. He isn’t concerned about pleasing the masses. He could care less. It’s just him and his woman.

I want that.

And it’s not that I was comparing our relationship to theirs or measuring my ex up to my friend’s fiancé. It was me seeing something that I want. It’s me seeing something that I’ve had. We all are entitled to our feelings. And we all have a right to expect certain things in a relationship. And that is something that I want and expect.

Why would I want to marry someone who is much more concerned with people who are not in our relationship? And why would I want to give you my all if you can’t even see past all of that?

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to be locked away from the rest of the world. I have a life. I have friends that I love. I have a family that I love. But the bond that I want to share with my significant other will be one that is undeniable to myself and anyone who encounters us. There will be a respect that he has for me. He will know and understand boundaries. He will care about my feelings in all situations. He will know how to be my man.

Am I asking for too much?

photo op!

random... i just like this pic...

stay tuned...

word vomit coming really soon....

" sometimes the words run out of my mouth before I get a chance to catch them"

Just Get Back Up When it Knocks You Down

"Giants do die. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Giants they Die. Just walk around the Jericho wall. Now I come in Your name and I stand on Your Word. What is loosed in the Heavens will be loosed on earth. Let God arise, giants fall."

SO.... I'm so digging (yes, I used that word) the Lord right now. It's crazy. I had some darts thrown at me this weekend. These were huge, cannon ball sized darts. I was knocked down. But I didn't stay down. And I thank God because my weekend could've easily gone a different route.

Yes, I cried. Yep, I even let out a scream. And at church on Sunday, I couldn't stop crying. Rivers flowed from my eyes. At our 9am service, the scripture for the sermon was barely read all the way through before tears started streaming down my face. I really think my spirit was weeping. Is that possible?

Sometimes I wonder about myself. There are times when I worship the Lord and I feel absolutely nothing; there are no tears, no emotional outbursts. And then there are times when I just cry. But I know for a fact that my worship on Sunday was more of, "I don't understand. This hurts like crazy. But I'll trust you." I think that's why I cried the way I did.

I was knocked down hard on Saturday. But I'm up again. The fight continues on. To God be ALL of the glory.

I Need More/ The Shack

I'm reading "The Shack". If you haven't heard about it, either you're living under a rock or maybe you just don't care for books, especially ones about God. This book has completely and utterly given me a new view on my God. The book is a page turner. I can't put it down! It knocks all of the religious stereotypes right out the window. But at the same time, it makes you want more. I'm so thirsty for a real relationship with the Lord. It's unreal.

That's my focus right now. The way one goes about spending time with their significant other is what I'm doing with God. It's harder though because I can't see Him or touch Him.

What God wants is relationship. That's why Jesus died. Not only did He pay the ultimate price for our sins, but through his death and resurrection, we were reconnected to God again. God loves us very much and He wants the best for us. The only way that we can truly know and understand His will for our lives is via relationship.

What does a relationship entail?
Communication- We need to pray. Talk to God. It's realy simple. You don't have to pray like the senior deacons in your church. Just talk to Him.
Understanding- We have to read the Word in order to really get to know Him and understand him.
Time- How can we cultivate a relationship without investing time? Make time out for God, just like you do in your natural relationships.
Trust- As you grow and learn more about Him, you will begin to trust Him more. Trust and believe the promises that He has for your life.
Reciprocity- We want God to shower us with all of these gifts and blessings. But what do you give Him? Praise Him! Worship Him! When praises go up, blessings come down. ;)

"It's a new season, it's a new day. A fresh anointing is coming my way. It's a season of power and prosperity. It's a new season, coming to me."

Grab a hold of my coat tail! Because I'm going all the way! =)

Round 3

I've been fighting many a battle. This is really probably more like round 345. But for the sake of simplicity, and my blog, we're gonna call it round 3. (Round 2)

Ephesians 6: 12
"for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places"

Jeremiah 29:11
"for I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope"

I'm stronger. I'm wiser. I'm better. Yeah, Marvin Sapp was pretty much on point when he said that. He obviously went through something. And he realized those things. And now, so have I.

I'm on a higher ground. I have the mind of Christ. And old things have passed away. And I have FAITH enough and sense enough to know what the Lord has for me.

So, bring it on!

I'm ready.

Still Here

Wow. I've become a stranger to my own blog. I think it's time to start writing again...... Geez- it's going on two months!