1 Peter 5:5

So, I was doing what I do best, blog surfing when I came across Search Me Lord. I understand that if I want to obtain and maintain a relationship with God, that I must seek Him constantly and include Him in my life. That can be as simple as talking to Him. Lately, I've been a little secretive, even with God. (That's an oxymoron because we can't hide anything from God!) But you get my drift. I find myself on websites like Bossip and YBF. There is nothing wrong with these blogs. They crack me up! And I get cute ideas for fits. But, that time could be spent in the Word and meditating on things of God. So, when I came across Search Me Lord, it was like a breath of fresh air.

It's so crazy. When you get in Christ and have been touched by God, it's so hard to go back. Even when my crazy self tries to entertain doing things that I know are wrong, something keeps me from doing it. When I'm on the edge, God pulls me back. (Shout out to Bishop Dukes!)

Anywho... I came across his blog and this scripture was posted:

Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older. All of
you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
"God opposes the proud but
gives grace to the humble"

And then it simply stated that "to be a reconciler, one must be willing to re-think his perspective- to become a learner- maybe even place himself in the shoes of others."

What this says to me is to simply not be proud. Now, I'm speaking from my own situation- which was a disagreement that a friend and I had. When you're proud, you don't want to nor care to hear their perspective. All you care to see is how you would handle the situation and how you see the situation. But God wired us differently. We're not going to agree on everything. We're not going to operate the same way in situations. But in order to maintain a healthy relationship, we have to be willing to drop that pride and humble ourselves enough to step outside of our own box. Try to see it from the other's point of view. It could save you from pointless arguments, headaches, and sleepless nights.

Commencement

I hold on tight with all my might
My heart is in my hand
So hard to let go

I kick, fight, and scream to hold on to this piece of me
The inner parts, the secret places
I'm reluctant to let you to see

This fear that I have stems from deep inside
Insecurities and experiences mixed with pride
I've gone on this long, just getting by
At the end of failed relationships
I sit and cry

I ask God to help me
Show me my self
Get rid of the junk
Clean off the shelf

My first love will be You
No one will block my view
Seeking your face
I know there is a place
Where all that I've ever imagined
will be added unto me
My life a living testimony for this world to see

You want me healthy and happy
I can't be that way without You

So continue to work on me
I'm checking in for surgery

Show me my wrongs
Cleanse my soul
Give me a new life
I want to reach that goal

Our foundation must be You
Plant our feet on solid ground
On Your solid rock I'll stand
Because all other ground is
sinking sand

And from this firm foundation
Our lives will blossom
We'll be pleasant in Your site
Oh how awesome!

As I let down my guard to give my heart away
Even more of me will be given to You
This I do pray

You are the fount of my existence
The source of my life
The peace in my storm
The victory in strife

I love you Lord because you first loved me
I will make you proud
This you'll see

It's Just....

One of those days.

I wanna cry.

But I can't.

Loving Me for Me

BOOO!!!! I couldn't get through the book! lol! I am the worst! Me and my roomie began reading the book at the same time and both gave up after chapter 2! Sigh... I will try to push my way through it. But the way T.D. Jakes writes annoys me. Just cut to the chase! Leave all of the metaphors and round-abouts out! Anywho... I was feeling my hair this morning and decided to give myself a photo shoot on the way to work and in the office. LOL! I love me:

Yes, We Will

So, I know I said I was done with blogging for a minute. But I had to post this. Love it. Her outfit that is.

On Hiatus

I'm taking a break.

I just bought T.D. Jakes "Before You Do". Any and all free time will be spent on that. I may do a write up on different chapters, maybe a reflection. But that's about it. I need a break.

But don't forget about me!! I shall return! lol....

It's The God in Me

You think I'm so fresh. You think I'm so clean. You think I'm so sweet. What is
it you think you see? It's the God in me.

Sometimes I do want to cuss you out. Sometimes I want to run you off the road. But what you get is a beautiful young woman who is going through the same trials and tribulations as you. However, I'm learning everyday with a smile on my face. You think you see me, but trust, it's the God in me.

This is my JAM!!!! OMG! Oh yeah, the song is called, "God in Me" by Mary Mary.

If I Were A Boy

If the tables were turned, how would you feel if I popped up with gifts, your favorite dish, kisses and hugs? How would you feel if I held you tight, talked with you all night? How would you feel if I asked you out on a date, made dinner, sat with you and ate? How would you feel if after all that I tell you that you're nothing more than a friend, who I happen to do other things with? That things could never go back to where they were. So, what in the world was all of that for?

The Craziest Night!

You will not believe the weekend I had! Ok, actually, the Sunday night that I had. I wish I had my usb cord for my camera. (Of course I have pics).

Let's start from the very beginning, a very good place to start. (tid bit of the day: that's from The Sound of Music)

OK. Flash back about two weeks ago. Let's call him John. John comes back into my life. I'm happy that John is back. John and I had a talk and I told him that I wanted us to focus on being cool and just enjoying one another. I said that I just wanted things to flow with us without any pressure. When I said that, I didn't mean I wanted us to be just friends. I explained that to him. I meant that I didn't want us to worry about unforseen things or problems that may arise until the problem actually happens.

So, that's what we do. We see each other throughout the week, hugs, kisses, emails, texts..... Last Wednesday I decided to join leadership at my church. It's this huge process and there is this booklet of questions that you have to answer.

One of the questions asked: "Are you dating anyone in the church, and if so, who?"

OK. I've been seeing John. Now, we haven't been hanging out on some, "this is my boy" level. It's one on one time.

At work the next day, we're emailing one another. And I ask John if he had a problem with me putting his name down. John tells me that had it been a few months ago, it wouldn't have been a problem. But now, since we're just cool and have no title, he minds.

??????????

OK. So, before I got into my feelings, I tried to see it from his point of view. But I'm thinking, we kissinig, holding one another, spening time together, and all you see me as is cool!? OK then. We're JUST "cool". If we are just "cool", I don't want you kissing me, don't buy me things, don't be up under me. I don't do that with men I'm just "cool" with.

Yesterday, I went to his house because I told him that we needed to talk. I admit, I shouldn't have done it that way because "we need to talk" sounds like doom. But I assured him that it wasn't bad. It wasn't supposed to be.

I just wanted to know why he was being affectionate towards me, why we were doing what we were doing, but yet and still just "cool." Regardless of whether we say we are "dating", we are still spending one on one time together- doing things that friends don't do. So, why can't I put your name on the sheet?

Are you trying to hide the fact that we are seeing one another again? Are you "cool" with someone else in the church? What is it?

WELL... this turned into an all out argument. We started going back and forth about stuff I don't even remember. Blew my mind! Dude! All I wanted to know was why you considered us just "cool" because OBVIOUSLY I feel stronger than that for you.

But me being who I am, instead of just coming out and saying, "John, I really care about you and I don't want to be just cool," I had to see where his head was at first. And this caused all hell to break loose.

So after going back and forth, we sit there in silence. I'm not mad and I don't want us to be mad at one another. So, not knowing how to go about "moving right along" to something else, I just stared at him. I know it sounds silly. But I just stared. Maybe he'll turn and look. Maybe he'll acknowledge me. NOTHING. He sits there staring at the TV, flipping channels. I ask him what his plans were for his day off. Simple short answer.

So, I bring this to his attention and it causes ANOTHER argument. He didn't understand why I didn't like the fact that we are just sitting there in silence after an argument.

Finally, I ended up leaving. My friend, TJ, was at our friend TT's house. She had my wallet and I had to go and get it from her. So, he walks me out and I leave.

But the story doesn't end there!!!

I get to my friends house. All of my other girls are there. But I'm just not in the mood to hang out. And I really don't feel like explaining why I'm in such a bad mood. So, I say to everyone, "I'm about to go." I then tell TJ to give me my wallet. My wallet is in her car, which is parked on the street in visitor parking. So, she gets in the car with me and we ride to her car. Shortly after that, everyone else leaves.

TJ can see that something is bothering me. "What's wrong?"

I look at TJ and just spill all the beans. I turn my car off, turn on the hazards, but neglect to turn off the lights. So, after about 30-45 minutes of talking, the lights on the inside of my car start flashing. I try to turn the car on and all I hear is,

"click click click"

You've got to be kidding me.

The freaking battery died! I immediately pull out my phone and call TT. TT isn't answering her phone. So, we get out of my car and walk back to TT's house in the dark. Her lights are on. Why isn't she answering? I try to get in the house, the door is locked. So, I'm banging on TT's door, screaming her name at her balcony. Nothing. So, me and TJ reluctantly walk back to my car that is sitting in the middle of the road, dead.

I called G. No answer. I call my friend Kyle. No answer. I didn't want to call John because of the argument we had. I just wasn't feeling that. So, after about an hour, G finally calls back. While G is on her way to bring the jumper cables, TT calls me.

"TT! Why aren't you answering my phone calls!! My car died!!" Turns out, TT got locked out of her house and was next door at her neighbors. So, TT, comes. Now, we have myself, TJ, TT, and G standing in the middle of the road.

Suddenly, this guy drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette walks by and says, "You guys need a jump?" He steps right in and handles the situation. So, he is trying to teach me how to jump my car. Mind you, he wreaks of alcohol and smoke. So, in the back of my head, I'm praying that he doesn't blow us all up. He jumps my car. Yeah!

So, I go in my car and pull out a "Come Visit the Harvest" card. That's my church. He looks at it and immediately knows my church and my pastors. He's been there before. Turns out this dude once studied to be a minister. Go figure. So, we talk to him for a while and encourage him to come out to Harvest on Sunday.

WOW. It hits me that God used my situation to minister to this guy. Had I not got into the argument with John, I wouldn't have not wanted to stay at TT's, causing me to take TJ to her car, causing us to sit in my car and talk forever with the lights on, causing my battery to go dead, causing him to stop and help. See how God works? Awesome, huh?

And I praise Him for that.

When I got home at almost 1 in the morning, I sent John a text because I didn't want to call and wake him. I don't want things to end. However, if he does, at least I apologized. At least I tried. I apologize for not listening to him. He isn't to blame. And neither am I. It's not about blaming one another. We just have to learn how to diagree. If someone gets angry, that doesn't mean that its the end. So, I send the text. No response. No nothing. OK. Maybe he'll respond in the morning.

I'm done writing about it. This is stupid. We had an argument. People argue. We should be able to move on after it- not ignore one another.

I'm going to enjoy my half day. Good day people.

Spill the Beans? Nah!!!!

It's Friday! And so many things are on my mind. It doesn't help that it is slow as all get out at the office! So I have nothing but time to sit and think. A co-worker treated me to lunch, such a sweety. That's nothing but God. I'm telling you, He really will supply. He can use people to bless you. Once, this same guy surprised me with Olive Garden. I was having a TERRIBLE day, and when I came back to the office, I had Olive Garden waiting for me. But back to my Friday...

I've written numerous poems. They will all remain drafts for now. I guess sometime down the line, when I feel like sharing, I'll click "publish post." It's one of those things where I feel if I share them, it could open up a can of worms.

Having a blog is like a catch 22. It's great because I love to express myself through writing. It's my release. I also love to share my stories in hopes that they will help others. But the down side to that is that sometimes, the person or situation that I want to write about can check my blog whenever he/she wants. But then again, hehe, folks like to pretend they don't check it when I know darn well that they do everyday.

So, for now, I guess I will have to keep these thoughts to myself. But if you start to see poems popping up on the blog, then you'll know that I've spilled the beans. Don, I'm not ready to spill them just yet!!! =)

Anywho, have a wonderful weekend!

I'ma Stay Saved

The hardest thing for young Christians to do is live a Holy life. In other words, it's hard for us Christians to be Christians! There are so many temptations, distractions, and illusions that we have to fight on the daily. I know for myself, all of the above ring true.

When I started my walk with God, for real for real, I was still dealing with situations from my past. Instead of just walking away, I would find myself trying to carry the past into my present. That never works, especially when your past is anything but Holy. Doing that resulted in a lot of crying and repenting at the altar. But because God is so merciful, I'm still here today. And I can say that I have truly grown.

Now a days, I find that it's the little things that are hard for me to be obedient about.

Respect your mother, regardless of how you think she did you. *sigh* That one is hard. Sometimes she just gets on my nerves!!!

Watch that temper. *sigh* But when I feel like you're not listening and just waiting for me to finish just to disprove my point, I wanna CUSS YOU OUT!!! (whew, I think I need to go pray about that one right now....)

Get off the internet at work. *sigh* But this job is the worst and they don't pay me well anyway!

Don't get angry and pop off at the mouth. *sigh* I know he saw me trying to get over! And why would you pull out in front of me going 35 when clearly I'm doing 65?!?!?

See, those things God wants to take away. We are supposed to be filled with the fruits of the spirit. If we were, we would bear good fruit like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Not jealousy, anger, resentment, vindictiveness, or hatred.

Canton Jones has a song out called, "Stay Saved". I love that song! He said, lol:

I'ma stay saved
When I'm driving on 285 and somebody cut me off and flip me the bird
Im'a stay saved
When I'm playin ball and they foulin ya'll and I hit the floor get up dont
say a word
I'm a stay saved
When I'm walkin through the mall with my wife and somebody still attemptin
to catch her eye
I'ma stay saved
When I go to the refrigerator and somebody done ate my sweet potatoe pie!

I'm a stay saved
aint goin start fussin
I'm a stay saved
aint goin start cussin
I'm a stay saved
Even though I'm hot as fire, I'm gonnna love you anyhow

Anywho.... Pray and ask God to fill you with His love and joy. Ask Him to reveal to you those areas that you need work on. That way, you see the junk that's on the inside. Give it over to God and watch the change. Pretty soon, you'll bear nothing but those fruits. =)

The Dow Sinks... Who Cares?

I don't watch the news. I can't. It's full of depressing stories. The most news I get is from listening to co-workers talk about the Dow crashing.... the price of gas barrels.... etc. I ask questions every now and then to get some clarification when I happen to tune into what they're chatting about. But other than that, I'm out of it.

Today, I decided to join in on the fun. I went to CNN.com to see what all the madness was about. Reading that stuff was like an instant attack to my sanity. I can see why folks are freaking out.

This was a quick conversation that we had about the stock market:

me: "I thought they fixed it."

co-worker: "They thought they did too."

me: "What happened to all that money they gave?"

co-worker: "They lost that too."

me: **hysterical laughter**

co-worker: "It's not funny."

me: "Yes, it is."

co-worker: "No it's not. If it gets too bad, it's going to affect jobs."

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that thousands of people losing their jobs, not being able to pay bills, and struggling to feed their families isn't a laughing matter. What's funny to me is that they are so dependent on this thing. They are fixated with watching the market. Every 10 minutes I hear, "it dropped down to 789!" and then "oh, its back up to 780!"

See, I don't depend on the stock market. I don't depend on the Dow. I don't depend on what Congress says. I don't worry about any of that. I depend on a God who is bigger than any of that. He is alpha and omega. He is the beginning and the end. I have faith in Him. I know that no matter what happens and no matter how bleak things may look to my natural eyes, He is in control. He has me. It's called faith. However, if you're not a Christian, if you have no relationship with Him, that is a hard pill to swallow.

You Did

It's this one thing thats got me tripping.
(Do I keep it to myself?)
It's this one thing, don't want to admit it, you did.
(But it makes sense in my head.)
This one thing that's got me tripping.
(You can't be that stupid.)
It's this one thing you did.
(Can I trust you?)
Oh oh oh.....

Round 1

You know what I've noticed?

The harder I pray and make a connection with God,

the harder the enemy tries to make me a liar.

I will tell God one thing.

And no lie,

less than 24 hours,
something happens that challenges it.

At first I was frustrated.

I had a temper tantrum in the car,

complete with huge tears and ugly sobs.

I wanted to pick up the phone and call grandma.

Pray for me! Tell me what to do!

But no, my child.

Talk to me. Trust me.

So, I picked up my prayer book (yes, as I was driving)

and in between tears and sobs,

I confessed His Word out of my mouth. And I talked to Him.

Satan, you are the worst!!!

But guess what?

You are already defeated.

God will get the glory.

Take that.

Go Through...Fall

We all go through.

We all have situations that hit us and knock us completely off track. Sometimes these problems arrive out of the blue. Sometimes we create the situation. I'm in a situation. I'm in a season. I get frustrated. I feel hopeless at times. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I feel alone. But every time I try to complain or cry, I'm reminded to look up.

Today is October 1st.

This year is just about over with. Where did it go??? 2008 was declared "The Year of New Beginnings". Last New Year's Eve, my Pastor talked about all of the wonderful things that would happen in 2008 and how we were going to step into a new beginning. I just knew my new beginning was going to be a husband, maybe a new job, and some money!

Lol! But 2008 didn't quite go that way.

Instead, I found myself becoming more and more involved in God's Kingdom. I've never gone to church this much in my life! Between Sunday school, church services and ministry, all of my free time is spent at my church. I've even moved closer to the church and further away from my job. That sounds backwards, huh?

But you know what? It makes perfect sense. My life, my entire being is in the Lord. I am nothing without Christ. He is the reason that I have a job. He is the reason that I have a car. He is the reason that I'm able to formulate these thoughts and share them with you. Jesus is the reason. And the least I could do is worship Him and help grow His Kingdom.

I'm single. I don't have a family to tend to. My focus and yours as well should be God's work. Right now, Jesus is my boo. Lol! And when He sees fit to join me with my hubby, He'll do it.

I was becoming weary of the whole "New Beginning". Lord, when I am going to get mine? But you see, I have it. I've become closer to God than I've ever been. I'm still not where He wants me to be. But I'm no where near where I used to be. My life is in God and I finally realize it. Through my situation, I am learning to depend on Him more than I depended on my own parents. My faith is growing. My praise and worship is becoming real. I'm becoming stronger in Him.

Yes, I complain sometimes. At times I feel tired. But this is all for Him. And I know that I will be blessed because of it. God has me. Blessed assurance.

In high school, we did this exercise that was supposed to build our trust in one another. There would be two people. One person was to turn his back to his partner. He was then supposed to cross his hands over his chest, close his eyes, and fall. This was the hardest thing for us to do. Even though we knew our partner was back there waiting to catch us, we were still hesitant to just let go and fall.

That's how we are with God. God has the whole world in His hands. If His eye is on a tiny sparrow, you can be sure that His eye is on you. All we have to do is let it all go, trust God, and fall. But we're afraid. We doubt. Well, what if I let go and this happens? What about my bills? What about rent? How will I eat? But I don't know how to....

NO!

Fall. Let it all go and fall. God's cushion of love, grace, and mercy will catch you and hold you so tight. You'll wonder why it took you so long to trust Him.

Today I declare that I'm walking running deeper into this new beginning. I'm going to run until I run smack into God. I will close my eyes, turn my back to this world and fall.