My Thoughts

It's been one week since I felt like grabbing a chair and throwing it through the window. Tomorrow will be one week since I, for the first time in my life, decided to walk away from confusion. That decision was so out of character for me because I am a fighter to the end. But God is not the author of confusion. I want what is best for me and him. (believe it or not) It is hard though. I'm not going to lie. You put yourself in a position that allows your mind to believe that, hey- this could be it. And when it doesn't go as planned, it's hard to accept. Who wants things to not work out? Who wants to argue? Who wants to feel emotionally drained? I've never experienced anything like that. Even in my three year relationship, the madness that I felt in that one week of our couple months of dating was never felt.

But I have learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself. I know where I am mentally and spiritually. I see my flaws and I know the things that I need to work on to make whatever relationship comes my way work. I see where I stand as far as my relationship with God is concerned. That needs work also. I don't know what God has in store for me. But I do know that He wants his people to be blessed and full of joy. He wants our relationships to work out. He doesn't want confusion and anger. That is what the enemy wants for us.

I have, however, made a deeper bond with someone whom I only said hi and bye to. It's funny how God works. We ended up going out to eat after church on Sunday and we really bonded. She helped me and I in turn helped her. She is a beautiful person and she made me see things from a different point of view. My soul sister. =) And I hope that our relationship continues to grow.

As for me and him, we're still friends. I do miss being around him. It's crazy how we can email one another all day and then cut it off at 4pm. But if that's how we want our friendship to be, then that's how it will be.

I have no clue what the point of this post is. Why am I going back and forth? Why am I feeling like a 5 year relationship ended??? And I know you are going to read this. I guess I just need to write. Writing and crying out to God keeps me sane.

My biggest thing was, "what if I made a mistake?!?!?" But I can't dwell on that. It was literally driving me crazy. So I would dwell on it and dwell on it to the point where it was starting to become a stronghold. I've laid the situation at the altar. I've given it over to God (many times..lol!) and that is where it has to stay. I can't keep questioning myself. I can't keep going back and forth.

I know what I want and what I don't want in a relationship. Arguing and bickering is something I DO NOT want. We couldn't stop doing that. And there is nothing wrong with walking away from situations that are more than you can handle.

Now, lemme say this. I will fight for my man!!! But I've learned that the only man that I need to fight that hard over is my husband. Once those vows are made before God, that covenant is not to be broken. And I will fight to make it work. But see, when you're dating, you can't stress yourself out over someone who isn't even your husband/wife. Think about all of the people you stressed yourself out over. All of that stressing didn't make things work.

I'm just talking to myself- writing out all of my thoughts and the things that I've learned.

My grandmother told me to let nothing steal my joy. And it made me think about the fact that the devil knows no new tricks. So, I looked back at all of the times that I was stressed out, confused, depressed, and hurt. They all involved a man.

It's not about him (the guy I was dating). The Bible (Ephesians 6:12) says,

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against
powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual
wickedness in high places.

I'm going to cut this short because I'm about to go into another realm that a lot of people don't understand. And I don't feel like explaining.

I just know that God has me where He wants me. He has my life. His will is going to be done. I can't make a man want me. I can't make myself want a man. I'm going to continue to seek God, live my life for Him, and let Him bless me. No more trying to strategically work things out so that my will is done. I've done that all my life and its caused me nothing but hell.

Sorry this post was so long..... Just my thoughts though.