Just a Thought

I've always been a daydreamer. I've always been nostalgic. I've always been one to dwell in the past. I would never truly move on with my life. Part of me tries to move forward while the other half is stuck in the dealings of times past. I'd finally come to a place in my life where I truly let go of the past. I let go of all the mistakes that were made. I forgave myself for the dumb stuff that I did. I forgave those that hurt me. I was done.

So, why is my mind slowly drifting to things of the past? And not surprisingly, I think one of my close friends is also dealing with this. I was trying to be quiet about it. But maybe if I write about it, I can deal...

I dreamed about my ex the other night. Why???? I think subconsciously it bothered me that he acted like he didn't know who I was when a mutual friend told him that I said hi. I know. It's so petty. But I really think that bothered me. I'm really trying to figure out why he is harboring ill feelings towards me. If anything, I should be the one angry. But I'm not. I've moved on with my life. I wish him the best in everything. And I find myself wanting to dial those 10 digits that I still know by heart just to hear his voice and say hi. I know nothing will come from it. I don't want him. But it would be nice to see how he is doing. Funny thing is, however, is that when he tried to do the same to me, I cussed him to the high heavens and told him to stay out of my life. Hm... Maybe that's why he's bitter? But that was over a year ago. You ended up with the woman you wanted. You made your choice. Why be angry?

And then, there is Seemie. Sometimes I find myself wanting to see him. But I know that he is not what I need. I know that he doesn't have half of the qualities that I want in a man. In actuality, he is the reason why I have such high standards. Isn't that something? But I do care for him. And I worry about him. But is this me being the caring person that I am? Or am I suppressing some feelings for him that I thought were gone?

And as I type this, I am reminded of a conversation that I had with my friend. The things that I told her are the same things that I'm wondering about myself.

I KNOW that I don't want my ex. I really think that the re-introduction of him into my psyche: hearing his voice, him acting like he didn't know me, bothered me. So, that's why he is on my mind.

But Seem? That one is questionable.