What's Your Source?

I keep going through tests and trials. I'm convinced. I know that without a shadow of a doubt that what happened to me yesterday was a test that I failed.

I take the VRE (Virginia Railway Express) to work. Yesterday, I missed the 5:45am train. So, I caught the 6:15am train. I was extremely sleepy and a little loopy because I couldn't seem to go to sleep the night before. The train pulls up to my stop, and I clumsily stumble off the train. I took about ten steps and then realized that I had left my government I.D., my monthly VRE pass, and my metro card on the train. I need my I.D. to gain access to the building in which I work. I need my monthly $234.20 pass to get to and from work. I need my metro card to catch the metro train. So, I'm sure you understand my frustration when I realized I had left it. I turned to get back on the train. The door politely closed in my face. I then spotted one of the conductors getting on the train. I tried to reach her, but those doors closed and it pulled off before I could even let out a yell.

Standing amidst the crowd of employees rushing to make it to work, I stood there dumbfounded. I immediately began to cry. I managed to pull together enough sense to call the VRE office. I reported my items. I then sat on the steps and cried.... and cried... and cried. I tried calling my boyfriend. He couldn't answer because he was on the metrotrain with no service. So, I sat there and cried some more. By the time I got up, I was frustrated, confused, and pissed! This was the icing on top of a cake that's been baking the entire month of August.

Little things like,

"Baby, what's wrong?" or "Is everything ok?" or "You don't sound like yourself..."

are what make a difference.

It's Just One of Them Months....

August has been the roughest month for me this year. 2010 started off exciting for me. My Bishop declared it to be "The Year to Become". In this year, we are expecting to be made into what we are to be from here on out. I interpreted that to becoming what God has called me to be in His kingdom.

I know that seldom anything occurs over night, especially when you're dealing with God's process. He makes sure that you are fully equipped and ready to operate in the capacity in which He has called you. I also know that this requires trials, tests, faith, wisdom, strength, and a good dose of Holy Spirit.

I'm not sure what this month has been about. I don't know if I'm in some type of test. I don't know if this is something that I've brought on myself. But I feel spiritually void. Something is lacking. The more I fight it, the more it fights back. I don't know what "it" is. I'm battling myself.

At the start of this year, I was on a spiritual high. I was constantly in my Word. God was talking to me.... and I was fully aware of it. I could feel myself becoming stronger. But, something happened.

Something shifted and now I'm trying desperately to get back. I'll have a good day: praying, singing, reading my Bible and then literally the next day it seems as though something crazy happens.

I just don't know. I honestly have no clue. I've run out of words to say. Now, my prayer is, "search me, oh Lord." Because I just don't know.