So, Saturday morning we had Young Adult choir rehearsal because the next day was going to be Young Adult Sunday. So, I get to church and I see his (the ex's) car. I immediately felt my stomach turn. Like, I pray for him and am so glad that he is pushing to be involved. But, at the same time, my flesh rises up and I just want him to go far, far away. So, we have practice. I have other things to do at the church. So I don't get out of there until almost 4. I get home and a few hours later, I'm praying and crying about my situation.
No one really understands just what I'm going through. No one seems to understand what it's like to be bound by your own mind. What it's like to have to fight thoughts and fight to not have those thoughts consume you. No one knows what it's like to fight to pray. No one knows what it's like to struggle and cry out and ask God to fill this void and take away the desire for that physical comfort- knowing that God can give me all of that and more just by having an intimate relationship with Him. And this is the real struggle. There is more, but that's putting way too much out there. I don't even want to go there because I don't know who is reading this.
But anywho, I'm crying and praying and as soon as I finished, I thought about my friend who goes to my church. I thought, "how is she going to get to church in the morning?" This was crazy to me because how in the world do I go from crying about him to thinking about the fact that she doesn't have her car? She has plenty of other friends at the church. They can take her.
So, I text her anyways:
Me: "I just thought about something. How you gonna get to church in the morning? Isn't your car in Jersey?"
Soul Sista: "LOL yup. Jesus gotta make a wayyyyy. lol. Is he puttin it on ur heart lol"
Me: " I see! I was praying and crying about my situation and AS SOON as I was done, I thought about you! Lol! You want me to get you?"
Soul Sista: "Hallelujah! Amen God bless my chile. hehe ru ok"
Me: "Yeah, I'm okay. I was just tired of holding everything. And even though I know Jesus already knows, just spilling it all out to Him seemed like the right thing to do."
Soul Sista: "Yeah, he loves when we tlk 2him :) "
And from there, me and my roomie ended up spending the night. And I tossed and turned and didn't fall asleep until 4:45. Mind you, we have to be at church at 6:55. Needless to say, I was exhausted yesterday. I went to bed early, woke up, went back to sleep. I woke up today around 10. Got out of the bed at 12, made breakfast, ate REAL GOOD, went back to sleep. I woke up at 4. I feel a little better now.
I don't know what the point of this post was. Oh yeah! Today was a hard day. I just couldn't stop thinking about the situation. There is more to it- this is where the thoughts that I won't share come into play. It bothered me all day. Ugh. But I'm better now. I'm always better after I write.
I know we go through things for a reason. And this too shall pass. Jesus, I can't wait for it to pass. If there is a test that I keep failing, please let the test come around again so that I can ace it and move on!!!
Be blessed!
6 comments:
I think its important to realize that you are not alone, you are not the only person who has fekt this way and God is a deliverer.
It takes time but through prayer and fasting you can and will be delivered.
It is not by our own might or will but by His spirit.
It's okay to cry and get it out but the best remedy is to get in His word, his will, and work. That's why you felt better when you began to think of the needs of someone else.
God will look after your needs just put his work first.
Be Blessed.
Hello there!
There are many women who have come to me to say that they have racing thoughts and fragmented thoughts and I believe that it is a WARNING SIGN that the mind needs to be protected.
I wrote a post about "The Mind: Weapon of Mass Destruction".
http://blackwomenblowthetrumpet.
blogspot.com/2008/11/mind-weapon-of-mass-desttruction.html
Many black women watch too darn much television and put too much ungodly images into their systems and then they want to worship and they wonder WHY their spirit is soiled.
My suggestions to them are:
Turn off the television for an ENTIRE MONTH...come home and play worship music every single day...be in silence in your own home...stop allowing everyone to call you all night long and all in the middle of the night...enforce barriers of silence in your day...buy a scripture CD and put in the CD of the Book of Psalms and let those scriptures play softly in the background as you sleep. I believe that whatever noise is occurring in our background as we sleep goes into our subconscious and that is why we should NEVER go to sleep with the radio or television on.
You will see a HUGE change and a huge improvement in your thought life. I know it! {hugs}
Peace, blessings and godliness,
Lisa
Yes, you are not alone. Remember there is nothing new under the sun.
What I feel helps me is I look for the lesson in every struggle and ask for guidance.
God be with you, you will get thru it!!!
God has a way of answering our prayers without us realizing it. HE will remind us like He did you that even in the midst of mental battles and even concerns of the flesh, there is always a deeper plan. There are always people in our worlds that need us. You are needed by your friends and there are people in your world that God is using you to touch beyond your pain and situations. You are right on target. Like I told a teacher at the school where I work when she was having a really bad day: if there is resistance and struggle, you know you are in the right place. In the place of struggle and resistance God is shaping you into the woman He truly wants you to be and the type of woman this world needs. Keep pressing on!
Honey,
I understand what you are feeling, as I have gone through something similar. Well, I'm still going through it, and God is giving me the grace to make it everyday. When my boyfriend and I broke up after dating for almost two years, he disappeared from church and then showed up later with a new girlfriend! Believe me, it has not exactly been fun times.
But God is your sustainer and the lifter of your head. He is your vindicator (if you need vindicating). He is your deliverer. He will do it in His time.
I have finally come to realize that there must be a reason why God has allowed my ex to continue at our same church while flaunting a new girl in my face, so to speak. It's very uncomfortable to me, but I am learning how to give the situation over to the Lord. And He has elevated me and set my feet on a rock, even during this time.
I know He will do the same for you.
Many blessings to you!
Just echoing and agreeing with my sisters in Christ, that it will come to pass... Some of my experiences have shown me that it hurts most when we resist and struggle, because God always has something much better and greater. But oftentimes we're focused on our situation, our presumed unmet need...when we're still part of God's ongoing Grand Master Plan. So for you my passionate, amazing, exquisite sista keep your focus up and watch how Jesus manifests himself all around and in you. Your heart is precious to Him, he holds tenderly each tear that falls, and knows your aching heart needs healing. But till what He is birthing out of you comes to fruition, yes it'll still hurt, but I encourage you to hold on...for in due season your heart will match His. Love that cherishes because it know disappointment and heartache, love that forgives, is patient, giving, and always trusts the Father.
One luv
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