Sweet Memory. To Every Season.

I go through these cycles where I am fine with the way things are. And then I go through these cycles where I constantly think about things from the past. I guess I'm reminiscing. Well, its not actually that. Because I also dream about stuff. My mind is still detoxing. I thought it was over. But I guess not. It's like a drug addict. You think you're over the addiction and then it resurfaces and hits you dead in the face. This time wasn't that bad though. I think a series of events with this guy (presently) and some other stuff prompted the dream.

I was riding in the car with one of my exes. (I only have three.) And he was driving and I was sitting in the passenger's seat, looking out the window, as he explained to me why he didn't want to be with me. It started off as, "Yes, you're beautiful but there are just some things that you do....." In the dream, I guess I heard what he was saying, but to me, it just all started to be a mess of sounds and I remember looking just looking out the window and feeling awful. And as I began to open my mouth to reject or possibly defend why I did the things that I did, I was all of a sudden in front of this other guy. He was standing there in front of me. He was unusually shorter than me, his face really sad and solemn, his head hung low. And all I could do was say, "I'm sorry." I hugged him. And that was the dream.

I know exactly what this dream means. Its so scary. I try to keep a feeling repressed, but my dreams ALWAYS tell on me.

So, I was driving this morning and listening to my music. My guilty pleasure, Three Six Mafia, came on and I rocked out hard! That took my mind back to my sophomore year of college and this boyfriend that I had who LOVED Three Six. Then Common came on. That transported me back to the summer of 2005. Yuk. And then "Sweet Memory" by Vivian Green came on. It was all over! I feel the same as her. Sometimes I just want to know how he's doing. That's all. But of course my anger and frustrations and hot headed-ness as usual put an end to all communicative ties with him. Life does go on though. And in the future if it is meant for us to see each other again or become friends, we will. I know it.

It seems that 2007 is gonna be the year for me to clean out my closet and get rid of anything that is bad in my life. It's ONLY January and I have lost 3 people who were dear to me. Not physically- like death. But I have made a conscience decision to let them go. (LOL! If I could have done that with fat boy, I would have saved myself TWO years of heart ache....) But seriously. Not everyone is your friend. And not everyone is meant to be in your life. We all go through seasons. It's sad, but true. To every season there is a reason. That is in one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE songs by The Byrds. You might not know them. But look it up. They always play that song in was scenes in movies about Vietnam.

But the song uses a Bible verse from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

The song is really beautiful. But its all true. Some people are not meant to travel the road of life with you till the end. Some were put in your life to get you through something, to help you learn something, and vice versa.

I'll stop rambling now. I just pray that the friends I have now, my girls, my sisters, are not meant merely for a season in my life. I love those girls and couldn't imagine the next 50 years without them.

Jinxed. Lame-o's.

I'm sick. I jinxed myself actually. I was thinking to myself about how I've gone so long without getting sick. And now look. I have a sore throat that is making my whole respiratory system feel like crap. Blah. I went to work yesterday, but there is no way I'm going to walk around for 8 hours straight, smile, and be polite to random rude women who come in the store looking for dumb stuff like ice picks.... Plus, I can't start my new job sick. So, I have to stay at home and recuperate for my first day next week.

Now. I may be a bit partial to this feeling because I dated one. But what is the deal with men who pledge Alpha? I get these friend requests on Myspace from these "Super Alphas". Every picture that they have up is of them throwing up the phi. It's quite annoying. And every captions is like, "Never leave home without Alpha" or "Alpha goes everywhere I go". WTF?!? Yes, I am very PROUD to be a Sigma Gamma Rho. Yes, I have quite a few picks of myself holding up my sign. But dang. It's one thing to repRHOsent. <----- like I just did. But its another thing to be totally and utterly consumed by it to the point that you come off as being boring and lame. And let's not forget the fact that some of these men are in their thirties!! But that's my opinion on the matter. And I only use Alpha because it seems as if those are the only ones who send me stuff. Yuk. That has to be in my TOP FIVE Pet Peeves. Get a life outside of your org....

But! For the record!! I know some WONDERFUL men who are Alphas. I love them to death.

And that's my rant for today.

Almost Doesn't Count

Shrimp. I absolutely love shrimp! The reason that I say this is because I am eating some Chinese food that I got the other day. Chinese food always tastes better reheated. So does Thanksgiving day dinner... But anywho....

I wasn't gonna say anything or touch on this subject. But I want to. I have nothing better to do. A friend of mine who decided to fall out with me on his own wrote some disturbing things about me and my friends in his blog. It's one thing to write about me. But when you involve my friends, you're playing with fire. The things he said were SO off the mark. And they verify the things that people have said about him that I always denied. People always called him cocky and self absorbed. But I never saw that. Well, the truth showed its ugly face. I went home for my b-day and of course, him being cocky and living in his own little world in his head, thought that I was mad at him and thought that I was bad mouthing him. He went on to say in his blog how me and my friends sat up and talked about him ALL weekend and called him all kinds of names and did this to help us sleep better. It's funny. But it angers me because I can't believe how stuck on himself he is. If he only knew that I didn't think twice about him. If he only knew that my heart wouldn't have skipped a beat if he never came over. If he only knew that the only time his name was mentioned was when HE texted me....

And a part of me thinks that he WANTS me to hate him. He WANTS me to be mad. Because that's what I do. When I care a lot about you and I let you in my corner, if you hurt me, I WILL talk about you and I WILL bad mouth you to my friends. But that's only because I allowed you to get to a spot that only one or two have truly gotten to.

Well, I love you. I care about you deeply. I'm not and was never mad at you. I never "fell out" with you. I guess you did with me. I have no hard feelings. But as far as getting in my corner, you never made it that far. And looking back on your actions, you never will.

Nothing for real....

What's new with me?

I went to AL to celebrate my 24th. I had an absolute BLAST!!!! I honestly thought that I would be ok going down there. But I teased myself. When I came back, I was a complete mess. I was Alabama sick all over again. I feel so WHOLE when I'm with my girls. They are my sisters. They are closer to me than ANYONE is. It just feels so right when we are all together. I don't know whats going to happen in the future. But we have to be near one another. It's imperative.

So, we're chilling, doing what we do. We're dancing around to Beyonce and wanted to hear number 10. Well, if you have B's album, then you know that there is an extended version that plays after "Resentment" and "Listen". So, we decided to listen to the two and just let the CD play until the extended version came on. Me, being me, decided to perform "Resentment". I was in my own little world. And as I'm singing, it became real. I was crying- in tears!- by the end of the song. When the song was over, I opened my eyes and my friends were looking at me like, "what the hell???" And then, I notice that my other friend was taping the whole thing. It's interesting. Either I know how to feel songs really well or I have some issues that aren't really solved. Well, not issues. But feelings that are repressed. Who knows.

I might just post the video.....

Lessons Learned

I'm off work today. I get to be lazy and lay around in my sweats and hair scarf all day. Its great. I got a job. I'm super excited. I was so ready to leave my current employer. That place is hell. Seriously. And its more the management than anything. But as the saying goes, you go through everything for a reason. Man, those were some rough 7 months. I can't believe I stayed there that long. But you know what, I've made some friends that I adore. And I have learned some lessons. Some were lessons that were already learned, but perhaps reiterated. I really think I've met some people who are going to be a part of my life for a very long time. They're already like a second family to me. I love them. And one is about to bring a new life into this world and I'm so excited for her. It's such a blessing......

Men. Ha ha! Another lesson learned. So, yeah, I kinda entertained this guy that I used to work with. And when I say entertained, I mean just talking on the phone, texting, movies, stuff like that. And as picky and stubborn as I am when it comes to men, I started to like him. But of course if I like you, there is something terribly wrong with you. He didn't want a girlfriend. And I didn't want a boyfriend, so it was cool. But of course he wanted to sleep with me. That's always the story though. And he's not to blame for that. But I'm not gonna air my dirty laundry on here for everyone to read. What it came down to though was the fact that I was the one making the most effort. To even just chill. It was weird. No woman should have to chase behind a man, not for a relationship or friendship! So, I stopped calling. I stopped texting. And of course that was the last I heard of him. I think I was supposed to learn that I don't have to chase after anyone. If a man wants to be a part of your life, he'll do just that. He will make every effort to be a part of your life. And I call this a reiteration because my butt got over 2 years of that crap. You would think I'd take a clue....

Keeping on with the subject of men, I learned another lesson while being up here. Yes. There was someone who made it clear to me everyday that he WANTED to be a part of my life. And I knew that. But I shouldn't of had to make myself see things his way. I shouldn't have had to question anything. I shouldn't have had to set aside my feelings about situations that were still plaguing me just because he was ready to love me. OK, maybe not love me. But you get the picture. I've learned to follow MY heart and MY intuition about things. I don't have to make myself want anything. I don't have to MAKE myself get over anything. And I don't OWE anyone anything. That's not how it works. You like me, yes. You chose to put effort into me. You chose to put yourself out there. I never once asked you to do that and you CAN'T hold that against me. And I'm not saying that I didn't like you or that I didn't care about you. But you can't just force your feelings on someone and expect them to respond when and how you want them to.

Another lesson learned is to hold on. God will take care of you. And I almost feel bad for writing this and feel like I don't deserve to because I was ANGRY at Him. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be working at the place I was working. I felt like I was being punished. I was jealous of my friends who are all together down there. I was jealous of the people who found great jobs right out of college. I was miserable. But apparently God knows exactly what He is doing. And He is showing that to me.

I've learned that you can't judge people and you can't treat people the way that they treat you. Some really awful things have happened at my current employer. And I fed into the madness. I have been disrespectful to my boss. I've been short. I've had an attitude. And its not right. But shoot! You try going through the things that I went through. I'm just thankful its over.

Hm. Apparently the growing pains don't end as you get older. You continue to learn more. And that's a good thing. I'm a lot wiser.

2007. Self Love. I Love It.

It's been a hot minute since I've updated this here thingy. I've been so busy. I finally have a second to sit and write. And its literally a second. I have to be in DC by 6:30 and its 4:56.
It's 2007! Woo yeah! Thank you Jesus! I made it through 2006. I usually go through this whole thing where I look back on the past year and reflect on the craziness. But I'm not doing that this year. 2006 is over. The past is the past and I've finally learned to leave it there. I think 2006 was my year to grow. (look, I'm doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do....) But seriously. I have done a lot of growing up. And I know that 2007 is the year for me to shine, as adult Tasha. I'm getting my life together so that I can do me and only depend on God and myself. I don't have any resolutions, but I want to have my own everything by the fall of this year.

I'm so happy with myself right now. I don't mean physically or anything superficial like that. I mean within myself. I'm at a place where I am enjoying me. I haven't done that in forever. I don't think I've ever done that. I've always crowded my mind with men and the needs of others. I'm so happy being Natasha. I'm happy that I can wake up without heart ache. I'm happy that I can go to sleep at night without thinking about if someone else was thinking of me, or what they are doing and who they're with. I'm so happy with not worrying about anyone else's feelings but mine. Vivian Green said it best-"You may think I'm selfish, sorry but I can't help it. Gotta do this for me. Please don't beg and plead." And its the truth. I've never tried being selfish, but I think I like it. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just loving living my life for me and only me. I gotta get myself together and that is what this year is all about. Then, maybe, I'll find time for the "one". (laughs out loud at the notion of "the one")...

Well, I guess I'll cut this short. I gotta run.